On a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his loyal assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a careless lie he told to his much-younger girlfriend.

Devlin Adams: So, where's Danny?
Katherine: [pause] Devlin, Danny is at his wedding.
Devlin Adams: Come again?
Katherine: I was never married to him. All a big lie I made up.
Devlin Adams: Why?
Katherine: Because I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.
Devlin Adams: Really?
Katherine: So, yeah. I'm a single mother. I have two kids I love more than anything in the world. I drive a Honda, I still have dial-up internet. I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. And while I'm at it telling the truth, I name my kids' poop after you. And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant. That's it.
Devlin Adams: Really? I would never have guessed this. I mean, you two had a real connection.
Katherine: He's great, he's the greatest guy, and I might even be in love with him, but it really doesn't matter at this moment because he is getting married to another person, right now.
Devlin Adams: [pause] Ian and I are breaking up.
Katherine: What? What happened?
Devlin Adams: Well for starters, he's gay. I mean look at him
Ian Maxtone Jones: [with a group of sailors] That's a strong muscle, right there. I'm squeezin'.
Katherine: Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, little bit of a red flag.
Devlin Adams: I've seen him do that with the soap.
Katherine: Oh! What about the iPod?
Devlin Adams: He didn't invent shit. He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.
Katherine: [laughs] Oh God! So what?
Devlin Adams: Well, this is different?
Katherine: Yeah, I mean, why didn't we try this truth telling thing before?
Devlin Adams: I don't know.
[They hug. Devlin sees Danny behind Katherine]
Danny: Aww, that's nice. It's nice to tell the truth. The truth is fun, isn't it? Like were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?
Devlin Adams: I'm gonna leave you two. Gotta go get a divorce.
Danny Maccabee: Ooh, the Mafia stare down. Very good, Michael. We're here to negotiate. Do you have anything else you might like?
Michael: I want a flying pony.
Danny Maccabee: I want a flying pony, too, but they don't exist.
Michael: Then I want a regular pony. And I want to name him Nelson.
Danny Maccabee: How about a PlayStation 3 and we name him Nelson?
Michael: Keep talking.
Danny Maccabee: We'll include 4 video games.
Michael: Five games. I want the meeting with Blondie to be at J.D. McFunnigan's?
Danny Maccabee: How about Charlie Choo-Choos because it's right down the street from me?
Michael: You mention that slop-hole again, and I walk.
Palmer: [finds wedding ring in Danny's bag] What's this?
Danny Maccabee: A circle?
Maggie: Can I do an accent?
Danny Maccabee: Give me your best shot.
Maggie: [British accent] Hello.
Danny Maccabee: No.
Danny Maccabee: I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie. If you get to him without touching the bottom, we'll give you a dolphin cookie.
Maggie: Is that what your grandpa gave you?
Danny Maccabee: No, grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.
Michael: I want one of those.
Danny Maccabee: No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.
Eddie: Yeah, they hurt less when they get thrown at your head. God, he was a sick man.
Palmer: So Bart, if you could be anyone else, who would it be?
Michael: Mr. Dechesray.
Maggie: Our mailman?
Michael: He just seems to have it all figured out.
Eddie: Katherine, I can't go. Okay?
Katherine: Why?
Eddie: Because I texted a picture of my new equipment to my ex-girlfriend.
Katherine: Oh, you're disgusting.
Eddie: And I forgot she's engaged to a UFC fighter. He wants to punch me in the face.
Katherine: I wanna punch you in the face.
Fat Kid: Mommy! That man put his pee-pee on my face!
Danny Maccabee: What? He put his face in my pee-pee!
Michael: Mom, before we go can I make a Devlin?
Palmer: So Michael, your dad tells me you like to go to the bathroom.
Michael: When I feel it, I do it.
Katherine: [about Ian] Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, a little bit of the red flag.
Devlin Adams: I've seen him do that with the soap.
Palmer: What's her name?
Danny Maccabee: Mrs. Maccabee. You mean her first name? Her first name is Devlin.
Palmer: Her first name is Devlin?
Danny Maccabee: Yeah, I know. Isn't that a shitty name?
Palmer: You have kids?
Katherine: Huh? Hmmm?
Palmer: You have children?
Danny Maccabee: We have, sort of, a little bit of children right?
Danny Maccabee: Did you make this yourself?
Mrs. Harrington: Yes, I did.
Danny Maccabee: We're going to have to donate this to the Smithsonian, good job.
Katherine: My tolerance level is here
[holds her hand at chest level]
Katherine: and if it goes up to here
[hand goes up to nose level]
Katherine: I'm taking my kids, I'm selling you out and I'm going home.
Michael: Is this where the blue Avatar people live?
Hot Bar Girl: Where's your wife tonight?
Danny Maccabee: [lying] I stopped asking that question a long time ago.
Palmer: I can't wait to Twitter this to all my friends.
Katherine: Oh, I forgot, you're 15.
[Danny accidentally kicks Palmer with the intention of kicking Katherine]
Palmer: Ouch! Did you just kick me?
Danny Maccabee: No I did not. Did you just kick her? Why did you kick her?
Eddie: What are you doing later?
Kirsten Brant: Oh, ah, I'm actually dating anybody else right now.
[Ian picks up a coconut with his butt]
Danny Maccabee: That's not fair. He can't do that.
Tanner Patrick: No, that's a clean pick-up right there.
Katherine: [Opening up a package of oddly constructed breast implants in the clinic] What are these?
Delivery Guy: "Boobie bags." The women, they stick them in the flat chesties, and... make them big.
Katherine: [Holding up one of the bags] These are not the "boobie bags" that I ordered. What is that? It's like a... like a syrup dispenser at an IHOP. I don't know what that is.
Eddie: I would create a fake family for that.
Katherine: [as they watch bikini-clad Palmer dive into the water] She really wears that bikini well.
Eddie: Yeah... you know what she'd wear well? A dental floss and a pirate hat.
Danny Maccabee: Where does the name Devlin come from?
Katherine: She was an old sorority sister from college. She was my friend, yet I hated her.
Danny Maccabee: A frenemy.
Katherine: Anyway, I got tired to them saying "I have to take a crap" and "I have to take a dump". So I told them it was called a Devlin. And they liked it. And it stuck.
Katherine: I'm just happy to hear that his thing-a-ding can still ring-a-ding.
Danny Maccabee: You dropped your purse.
Joanna Damon: Can I sit for ten seconds without getting hit on? Thank you.
Danny Maccabee: I was just letting you know you dropped your purse.
Danny: [after Michael has conned him into taking everybody to Hawaii] I can't believe I let a six year-old blackmail me.
Michael: [Nonchalantly] I saw my shot... and I took it.
[Palmer and Katherine are smiling at Danny after he has taught Michael how to swim. Devlin shows up out of nowhere]
Devlin Adams: What are we all staring at?
Bridesmaid: She looks like Karl Malden.
Maggie: [British accent] Hello, Dr. Danny. How are you today?
Danny Maccabee: What's with the accent?
Katherine: She's been working on some accents.
Maggie: I'll be taking acting classes and become the next Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am.
Danny Maccabee: How about you there, do you like Hannah Montana?
Michael: No, I'm more into Californication.
Katherine: When do you ever watch Californication?
Maggie: Rose lets us watch Showtime when she calls her boyfriend.
[first lines]
Bridesmaid: So happy you picked this dress.
Bridesmaid: So beautiful.
Bridesmaid: Isn't she...

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