A knight and his valet are plagued by a witch, and to repair the damage they make use of the services of a wizard. However, something goes wrong and they are transported from the 12th ... See full summary »

[after eating dog food]
André le Pate: I am eating this very good meats and vegetables in a very fine sauce... I will shit easy tomorrow.
André le Pate: Master! You're worried. What is wrong?
Count Thibault: The wizard - - he exploded.
Hunter: Do you realize the bath you just took cost over two thousand dollars? That's American dollars!
Count Thibault: Is that a lot?
Hunter: Yes, yes it is.
Count Thibault: Then I will repay you with one of my swans.
Julia: But Hunter doesn't have a sister.
Count Thibault: Excuse me, I will kill him for you.
Hunter: [to the Count and Andre as they are in the bathroom] Don't be bashful with the soap.
Count Thibault: I am already wealthy. I own hundreds of horses and bags of pepper, four hundred backs of wool, and fifty barrels of Spanish olives.
Andre: And you own me, Sire.
Count Thibault: Yes. But you have no value.
Andre: [pause] That is true.
Maitre D': [he is brandishing a raw chicken which Andre has stolen from the kitchens, skewered with an umbrella and tried to roast in the fireplace] I'm afraid I'm going to have add an order of "Chicken à la Umbrella" to your bill.
Count Thibault: He belongs to me. I decide his fate.
André le Pate: No master! I mean, no way Jose!
[Telephone conversation]
Amber: Who is this?
Andre: I am Andre le Pate. I have big balls! And my ass breathes fire!
Hunter: [indicating the Wizard experimenting in their kitchen] What's this?
Julia: A twelfth-century English wizard.
[the Wizard bows to Hunter]
André le Pate: [as they are dining, he whispers] Sire?
Count Thibault: What?
André le Pate: [whispers] I have to make pee-pee.
Count Thibault: [aloud] Ah, you have to pee! *Outside*!
André le Pate: But sire... the wolves! I could be eaten!
Count Thibault: Find a torch! Idiot.
Julia: [her family motto] Courage is my creed.
Hunter: Your French relatives are bathing in the toilet.
Narrator: You could tell from the petulant arch on his furrowed brow that he was not in route to a good deed.
Julia: Honey, did you know that the women of my lineage are all lionhearted?
Count Thibault: Run behind the chariot, peasant!
Hunter: Yes, master!
André le Pate: He can't run behind the car!
Count Thibault: He cannot ride with us; he is not noble.
Julia: Yes, but he has to ride in the car.
Count Thibault: He is very fast!
Hunter: We-we're taking the freeway; you can run seventy miles an hour, can you?
André le Pate: I have good boots!
André le Pate: [as the Count is bathing, Andre takes a bottle of Chanel and drinks some, handing it to the count] Ah! Very good flavour!
Count Thibault: [he drinks some, then promptly spits it out] Blah! This is not wine, ignorant peasant! It is oil for the bath!
Count Thibault: You are more than a rose. You are love's own flower.
Maitre D': [at a fancy restaurant, Thibault throws bones from his plate to Andre, who is eating from the floor] Excuse me, but the gentleman can't eat off the floor.
Count Thibault: He's not a gentleman! He is my servant
[throws another bone]
Count Thibault: and he is not worthy of our company.
Count Thibault: You are lionhearted, Julia, like the women of your lineage. You have courage.
Hunter: [he notices André's table manners] Actually, the floor wasn't such a bad place for him. Easier to hose down.
Count Thibault: [explaining his perplexion with the light-switch] I do not have this invention in my castle.
Julia: You don't have power?
Count Thibault: I have the power to judge and condemn to death any villain on my land.
Julia: [nonplussed] Oh, really? Hunter will be so jealous.
Andre: You want some dog?
Julia: I am strong, and I am smart, and I don't need you to take care of me.
Hunter: Oh really?
Julia: [grabs Thibault's sword and thrusts it toward Hunter] Courage is my creed.
[after the wizard's apartment explodes]
Count Thibault: Damn English Wizards. Can't do anything right.

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