Two childhood friends, a New York hairstylist and a would-be musician, get caught up with the mob and are forced to deliver $50,000 to Australia, but things go haywire when the money is lost to a wild kangaroo.

Louis: The kangaroo got the money!
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Louis: I put the money in the jacket, and the jacket on the kangaroo, and now he's hopping away!
Louis: Don't worry, Charlie. We'll get the money back, all right? He can't go far.
Charlie: It's a continent, Louis. He can go *very* far.
Louis: I know it's a continent. I read the book.
Charlie: Did you happen to read the chapter on not putting your jacket on a wild animal?
Louis: No, but I did read the chapter on how an aborigine can kill a white man with a twig. Do you want to see that one?
Mr. Smith: Have you ever held a gun before, Charlie?
Louis: Don't answer that!
Charlie: No...
Mr. Smith: Ever killed a man, Charlie?
Louis: Don't answer that!
Charlie: No.
Mr. Smith: What do you do for a livin' that makes you so brave, Charlie?
Louis: *Really* don't answer that!
Charlie: [cocks the gun] I'm a hairdresser!
Charlie: I never saw it. Such a beautiful animal. It's the national symbol of Australia. And I killed it.
Charlie: [sipping a rock he thinks is a slurpee] Brain freeze!
Charlie: ...if Smith thinks we stole his money then by now Sal thinks we stole his money!
Louis: Hey man, Sal's not gonna hurt us. He's married to your mother.
Charlie: [incredulously] If Sal Maggio thinks we stole his money, he'll kill us *in front* of my mother and then make *her* clean it up!
Charlie: I'm sorry for feeling your boobs I didn't think they were real.
[Louis keeps driving into termite mounds]
Charlie: Be careful Louis! You almost missed one!
Charlie: [after kissing Jessie under the waterfall] Okay, I'll admit it. This is the most romantic moment of my entire life.
[Does a cannonball into the water]
Charlie: And now it's over.
Frankie Lombardo: [Cocks gun; points it at Charlie] This is from Sal Maggio.
Charlie: Frankie! We got the money. We got it back!
[picks up the package]
Charlie: We got it!
Frankie Lombardo: You don't get it, do ya, Charlie? Sal not dissapointed because he cares about the money. He's disappointed because you two aren't dead! What do think he was paying Smith fifty grand for?
Louis: You mean to tell me that traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution?
Frankie Lombardo: Yeah. You two were the bag men for your own hit. Pretty clever, eh?
Charlie: Not on our part.
Frankie Lombardo: Say, "Good Night."
Charlie: I just got my ass kicked by a marsupial.
[trying to convince Charlie to find the kangaroo before Smith finds and kills then]
Louis: Charlie! It's better than being cut up into little bitty pieces man!
Charlie: [looks back at Louis with an evil grin] Not if you go first and I get to watch!
Charlie: My name is Carbone, which means skinny white boy with a gun
Charlie: On that fateful day twenty years ago, Louis Booker saved my life and I never forgot it. He wouldn't let me.
Kangaroo Jack: [singing from "Rapper's Delight"] /... see I am Jackie Legs and I like to say, "Hello" / To the black to the white...
Charlie: Jackie? Mr. Legs, if you would find your way clear to give me back my money?
Kangaroo Jack: Money? Oh, you mean that money
[a pack of kangaroo are messing around with the money]
Charlie: Stop that. Stop that! Hey! Stop that, please! If Sal finds out...
Sal Maggio: [as a kangaroo] If I find out what, Charlie? That you lost my money?
Charlie: Sal?
Sal Maggio: I've asked you to do something. This is not that!
Charlie: [Inappropriately touching Jessie's boobs] Louis, they feel so real.
[Charlie chuckles]
Louis: Mm-hmm
[Charlie turns around; Jessie knocks him out with a canteen]
Charlie: It's you.
Kangaroo Jack: Yeah, it's me. Love the jacket, Charlie. It's hard to get something that fits my shoulders. Nice! How did you know Red was my favorite color?
Charlie: [surprised] You can talk!
Kangaroo Jack: And I can sing.
[sings "Rapper's Delight"]
Charlie: This is great.
Charlie: Look at her. She thinks she's so much smarter than us.
Louis: I'm pretty sure she is, Charlie.
Charlie: I am Bolo Man.
Louis: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Jessie: So it's safe to assume your not on vacation.
Louis: No. Charlie's stepfather is a mobster back in New York, and he had us sent out here to deliver a package.
Jessie: Oh! And you got me in the middle of this?
Charlie: I am so sorry, Jessie. I never thought this would happen.
Jessie: And you lied to me.
[they are running away from the cops]
Louis: They're scaring Waffles!
Charlie: Well, maybe you should have thought about that before taking your dog on a crime spree!
Jessie: What's going on?
Charlie: We're in a little bit of trouble.
Jessie: A little?
Mr. Smith: I've been following camel tracks all bloody morning, so lets make short work of this. Where's me moolah?
Jessie: For god sakes! All this over $4,000?
[Charlie chuckles nervously]
Jessie: It's more, isn't it? How much more?
Charlie: Forty-six thousand more.
Mr. Smith: And every cent of it is mine. Now there are only two ways we can do this, and one of them's a lot less painful than the other. Whare's the money?
Blue: G'day. The name's Blue.
Charlie: Charlie.
Blue: Heh heh. Nice to meet ya, Chezzar.
Charlie: Charlie.
Blue: That's what I said: Chezzar.
Louis: Sal won't kill you. He's married to your mother.
Charlie: If Sal Maggio thinks I stole his money, he'll kill me in front of my mother and then make her clean it up.
Louis: [as a kangaroo] You know what, Sal? You were right about him. Chicken blood!
Sal Maggio: Smell it on his father. Smell it on him. Chicken blood.
Kangaroo Jack: Oy! Chicken blood!
Louis, Sal Maggio, Kangaroo Jack: Chicken blood! Chicken blood! Chicken blood!
Kangaroo Jack: I can sing, I can dance, I can even do impersonations.
[imitating Dr. Evil]
Kangaroo Jack: Throw me a friggin' bone, here! I have a son! I shall call him... Mini Roo!
Charlie: I think I just sweated out a bottle of Yoo-hoo I drank in the eighth grade.
Charlie: Uh-oh. Dingos.
Charlie: Hey that one kinda looks like Waffles.
Louis: Yeah if Waffles had a crazed look in her eyes and her face caked in blood.
Louis: See, what happened was we put the money in the jacket and then the jacket on the...
Mr. Smith: Wrong answer! Your friend told us the yarn about the kangaroo. Mate, I've hope for your sake you were stupid enough to hide that money in them saddle bags.
Charlie: You gotta believe us!
Mr. Smith: [Sticks a knife at Charlie's throat] No, you gotta believe me. If it ain't there, I'm gonna carve you up piece by piece.
[Sal watched his factory of stolen merchandise become raided by the NYPD on the news]
Sal Maggio: [disappointed] Louis Booker, you degenerate moron. Were these Medieval Times and you, a knight in shining armor, you would have, I have no doubt, slayed the maiden and saved the dragon.
[Waffles, Louis' puppy growls]
Louis: Shh! Waffles!
Charlie: Sal, we can explain...
Sal Maggio: [cuts Charlie off] As for you, Charlie. After the tragic death of your father, I married your mother promising her I would raise you as my own. *You* chose not to take the Maggio name. I did not complain. And when you wanted to go to Beauty School, as boys who lose their fathers early in life often do, I did not snivel at interventions, did I?
Charlie: No, Salvatore, you didn't. In fact...
Sal Maggio: In fact, I happened to bought a beauty parlor so you could sit on you lazy butt all day long. $4.5 million you cost me. Were you anybody else, you be dead by now.
Charlie: Look, Sal, we know that your upset.
Sal Maggio: It's not your fault.
Charlie: What?
Sal Maggio: A lion can raise a mouse, but the mouse is still a mouse. And you, Charlie, are that mouse. Look at this. He takes it. Chicken blood.
Louis: [hugging Charlie] We're having a very intimate, non-gay moment.
Louis: [Louis and Charlie are in an airplane restroom together and find out that the envelope is full of money] Check this out!
Charlie: Hey, you're not supposed to open this.
Louis: Hey, man, that's like fifty grand in there.
Charlie: Oh my god! Something doesn't smell right here. Look at it!
Louis: I know! I'm looking! I've never seen so much green in one little brown package.
Charlie: And now it's in my hands. Aw, it slipped out!
Louis: Ohhh!
Charlie: Here, help me scoop it up.
Louis: Oh, this is one big load.
Charlie: What a mess!
Louis: Just want to roll around in it!
Charlie: Hand me the rest of the pile.
Louis: Can I hold it?
Charlie: No! Dump it in the envelope!
Louis: Maybe we should just flush it.
Charlie: We're not gonna flush it. I'm gonna put it in my pocket, leave this room, and take it to Australia.
Louis: If you're gonna do that, give it here! Let me kiss it for good luck.
Charlie: You're not gonna kiss it. It's bad enough you touched it!
Louis: Charlie, before you put it away, can I at least smell it?
Charlie: Maybe later.

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