A tough cop is given his most difficult assignment ever: to masquerade as a kindergarten teacher in order to find a drug dealer.

Detective John Kimble: We're going to play a wonderful game called... "Who is my daddy and what does he do?"
Detective John Kimble: I have a headache.
Lowell: It might be a tumor.
Detective John Kimble: It's not a tumor! It's not a tumor. At all!
Detective John Kimble: SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
[John Kimble sees boy eating out of lunch boxes]
Detective John Kimble: Are these all your lunches?
[Boy shakes his head]
Detective John Kimble: You mean you eat other people's lunches?
[Boy nods]
Detective John Kimble: STOP IT!
Detective John Kimble: No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom". Nothing!
Detective John Kimble: There *is* no bathroom!
Low Life #1: So who are you, man?
[Kimble racks his shot-gun]
Low Life #1: Shit!
[he scrambles out of the way just before Kimble blasts the couch apart]
Detective John Kimble: I'm the party pooper.
Joseph: [to Phoebe] Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.
Phoebe: [to Kimble] Well, I see you've covered the basics.
Detective John Kimble: I'm a cop you idiot! I'm detective John Kimble!
Detective John Kimble: How do I look?
Phoebe O'Hara: Take off the gun.
[Kimble realizes he has strapped on his shoulder holster]
Detective John Kimble: That's a good idea.
Phoebe O'Hara: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.
Detective John Kimble: Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?
Phoebe O'Hara: On second thought, take the gun.
Rina, Tina: [in unison] Our mom says our dad is a real sex machine.
Joshua: Are you married, Mr. Kimble?
Detective John Kimble: No, I'm not.
[Joshua sticks his head into the hallway]
Joshua: [shouts] He's not married, Mom!
[after the kids start complaining about "police school"]
Detective John Kimble: Oh, come on...
Detective John Kimble: Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline.
Detective John Kimble: Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now. You belong to me.
Detective John Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet and sit down.
Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!
Detective John Kimble: Take your toy back to the carpet!
Emma: [softly] I'm not policeman, I'm a princess.
Detective John Kimble: TAKE IT BACK!
Emma: [miserable] All right.
[O'Hara rushes to the airplane's restroom]
Stewardess: Is your wife okay, sir?
Detective John Kimble: Compared to what?
Emma: [during Who is Your Daddy game] My daddy works on a computer all day, and is the head of his company and he, um, he has a moustache and a beard, and he-he doesn't have a lot of hair, and cuz-um, since his head is so big, he can't wear any hats.
[to some kids who keep bumping his airplane seat]
Detective John Kimble: Hey, come here.
[he beckons a kid with one finger, while holding a pencil in the other]
Detective John Kimble: If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you.
[he snaps the pencil in two with his thumb. The kid sits back, wide-eyed]
[Kimble knocks out two gang members with ease, then turns to two others standing by his car]
Detective John Kimble: Oh, excuse me. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble...
[racks shotgun]
Detective John Kimble: And I love my car!
Street Tough #3: Yo, man, I'm just gonna keep a eye on it for you, all right?
Street Tough #4: You got a beautiful ride.
[as soon as Kimble is out of hearing range]
Street Tough #3: Shit. Who he think he is? He's lucky I didn't kick his ass.
Joyce: You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.
Miss Schlowski: What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?
Detective John Kimble: It felt great.
Assistant to Schlowski: [as they watch a helpless Kimble trying to get control of the kids] Aren't you going to break them up?
Miss Schlowski: No, two more days of this, then he'll quit!
Phoebe: Well, what are you going to do? Handcuff her to the bumper of your car and take her for a ride?
Detective John Kimble: Let's just say I'm not going to offer to cook her dinner.
Detective John Kimble: Who is your daddy and what does he do?
Detective John Kimble: I really appreciate your honesty. You happen to know someone that is not better than me?
Dominic: I don't know that many people.
Phoebe: [advising Kimble on how to be a teacher] Look, you've got to treat this like any other police situation. You walk into it showing fear, you're dead. And those kids know you're scared.
Detective John Kimble: [looks at her a moment then nods] No fear.
Phoebe: No fear.
Zach's Father: You must be the new teacher.
[Puts out his hand to shake Kimble's hand, but Kimble pushes the guy against his car]
Detective John Kimble: You hit a kid, I hit you.
Zach's Father: You bastard.
[Kimble blocks his punch and Kimble punches the guy in the stomach, then grabs him by the shirt and about to punch the guy in the face, but looks back to the kids and the principle]
Detective John Kimble: [Lets go of the guy] You're not worth it. I'm pressing charges against you.
Joseph: Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
Detective John Kimble: Thanks for the tip!
Eleanor Crisp: [Eleanor Crisp enters locker room, where she finds and unloads Kimble's gun, and also finds her dead son's bullet-ridden body and Kimble slumped and bleeding on floor against the shower wall] Where's my grandson?
Detective John Kimble: [gasping] I don't know!
Eleanor Crisp: [Eleanor fires gun into wall, just inches above Kimble's head, hissing] Where's... my... grandson?
Detective John Kimble: [gasping continues] Go to hell!
Eleanor Crisp: That's exactly where you're going, you son of a bitch!
[moves towards Kimble and taking aim with pistol, suddenly accosted by an injured and bat-wielding Phoebe, who strikes her in the shoulder and knocks her to the floor]
Phoebe: You're not so tough without your car, are you?
[pointing his gun at schoolchildren]
Detective John Kimble: Freeze! Don't you know the building is on fire?
Detective John Kimble: [banging on fire bell] Yes, this is fire drill! Come on!
Detective John Kimble: [looks down at stopwatch] Aww! This is terrible!
Phoebe: Not so tough without your car, are yeah?
Cindy: [Being interrogated by Pheobe and looking right at the special glass] Yeah, I know you're in there and I know want you want, but you ain't getting it, no leads, no testimony. You can take your cuffs and shove'em up your ass.
Cullen Crisp: [Seeing Kimble coming in and holding Dominic at gunpoint] Kimble!
Detective John Kimble: He's not your hostage, he's your son.
Cullen Crisp: Drop it, on the floor.
Detective John Kimble: You want to do this to your own son?
Cullen Crisp: Drop it, I'm losing it. Hurry.
Detective John Kimble: [Puts his gun down] Okay. Now let him go.
Cullen Crisp: The boy, is mine. He's "my" boy, you get your own goddamn family.
[Then, Kimble's Ferret bites Cullen, who shoots Kimble in the leg, and Kimble shoots Culen dead]
Danny: Hey, I'm not stupid, Mr. Crisp.
Cullen Crisp: [shoots him] You're not?
Detective John Kimble: Just don't throw up on me.
Phoebe O'Hara: Nah, it's OK, I'm not gonna throw up on you. But I am gonna kiss you.
Detective John Kimble: As Phoebe O'Hara comes in front of the kindergartners to tell them about "strangers" Kimble looks her in the eyes and says "Show no fear!"... a reversal of her prior warning to him.
Joseph: My dad's a gynecologist. He looks at vaginas all day long.
[Crisp's mother is buying a heap of pediatric medication]
Cullen Crisp: The boy's not sick.
Eleanor Crisp: Doesn't hurt to take precautions.
Cullen Crisp: Mother, you are going to make him sick. You stuffed all this crap down my throat for years, and there was nothing wrong with me!
Eleanor Crisp: That's why there was nothing wrong with you.
Cullen Crisp: Now, how can you argue with that?
Joyce: Cullen.
Cullen Crisp: [Pointing his gun] Rachael. Good, just what I need.
Joyce: Please Cullen let him go.
Cullen Crisp: [Looking to find a way to get out of the school] How the hell you get out of here?
Joyce: Stop. You're scaring him!
Cullen Crisp: He's scared? Of course, he's scared. You told him all these lies about me, my son doesn't even know me because of you.
Joyce: Please, please, don't do this.
Cullen Crisp: I'm his father, you stole him from me.
Joyce: Please, let him go.
[Reaches for Dominic]
Cullen Crisp: Don't touch him!
[Punches Joyce in the face, and Dominic sreams and runs away]
Cullen Crisp: Dominic, I didn't want to, she made me do it. Everything's gonna be okay, Dominic. We'll start a whole new family.
Miss Schlowski: Your teacher, Miss O'Hara, had to go somewhere.
Dominic: Where'd she go?
Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter.
Lowell: Did she die?
Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell, she went to see someone.
Lowell: Did they die?
Miss Schlowski: *No*, Lowell.
Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.
kid: He's a caca-poopoo
Cullen Crisp: Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing! I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah! I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.
Detective John Kimble: You should be reading stories about bears that go shopping!
[after his first day, John comes back and collapses on his bed]
Phoebe O'Hara: How'd it go?
Detective John Kimble: Go away.
Phoebe O'Hara: That well, huh?
Detective John Kimble: You take over tomorrow.
Phoebe O'Hara: And blow our cover? Can't do it.
Detective John Kimble: They're horrible. They're like little terrorists.
Phoebe O'Hara: Tell me about it.

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