King Ralph Quotes
As the only relative to take over the Royal throne, a down on his luck American slob must learn the ways of the English.
Hale: [Ralph has referred to Princess Anna as a 'fox'] I'm glad you find her so. Best wishes in your fox hunting.
King Gustav: Fox hunting? You like fox hunting, yes.
Ralph Jones: Well, I don't get out much lately. But I used to go out almost every evening. One club or another.
King Gustav: Really? That often? You must have collected several tails.
Ralph Jones: [shocked] Well, I admit I slept with a few. But I'm not like that anymore. Nowadays you can't be too careful. You don't know who they've been with.
King Gustav: No, I suppose not.
Ralph Jones: Yeah, once I got a steady girl, that put an end to it.
King Gustav: She did not like fox hunting?
Ralph Jones: Of course not! Anna's not into it, is she?
King Gustav: Oh, yes! She loves it! Most royals do.
King Gustav: Fox hunting? You like fox hunting, yes.
Ralph Jones: Well, I don't get out much lately. But I used to go out almost every evening. One club or another.
King Gustav: Really? That often? You must have collected several tails.
Ralph Jones: [shocked] Well, I admit I slept with a few. But I'm not like that anymore. Nowadays you can't be too careful. You don't know who they've been with.
King Gustav: No, I suppose not.
Ralph Jones: Yeah, once I got a steady girl, that put an end to it.
King Gustav: She did not like fox hunting?
Ralph Jones: Of course not! Anna's not into it, is she?
King Gustav: Oh, yes! She loves it! Most royals do.
Sir Cedric Willingham: Your majesty, may I present the Sovereign King Mulamboa of Zambezi.
Ralph Jones: [seeing that the king is black, using a Eubonics dialect] Hey, homes! Whas happenin'! Gimme quintet, brother!
King Mulamboa: I do not comprehend, Your Majesty!
Ralph Jones: Uh, welcome, Your Majesty. On behalf of the people of the United Kingdom...
[uncomfortable silence]
Ralph Jones: Uh, do you wanna go get a beer?
Ralph Jones: [seeing that the king is black, using a Eubonics dialect] Hey, homes! Whas happenin'! Gimme quintet, brother!
King Mulamboa: I do not comprehend, Your Majesty!
Ralph Jones: Uh, welcome, Your Majesty. On behalf of the people of the United Kingdom...
[uncomfortable silence]
Ralph Jones: Uh, do you wanna go get a beer?
[reciting some rules of etiquette to Ralph on videotape]
Phipps: When in public, a royal personage must refrain from chewing gum, using profanity, picking his nose, scratching his p... p... p... p... private parts and staring down the bust lines of visiting female dignitaries.
Ralph Jones: What the hell! That's everything!
Phipps: When in public, a royal personage must refrain from chewing gum, using profanity, picking his nose, scratching his p... p... p... p... private parts and staring down the bust lines of visiting female dignitaries.
Ralph Jones: What the hell! That's everything!
Lord Percival Graves: [after Ralph accuses Graves of undermining him] This is an OUTRAGE! A VILE piece of slander! I demand to know the source of these allegations!
Ralph Jones: We have the signed confession of a royal page, Gordon Halliwell, who worked with Lord Graves.
Lord Percival Graves: I know NO SUCH MAN!
Ralph Jones: And several cheques made out to the photographers who took the pictures, signed by Lord Graves. Whose fingerprints were also on the photographs.
Lord Percival Graves: So! I saw them at the ball!
Ralph Jones: And Scotland Yard found the negatives at his house this morning.
Lord Percival Graves: [realizes he's been caught] By what right can you order my arrest!
Ralph Jones: By the Treason Act of 1702 forbidding interference in the proper succesion of a monarch. Enacted by...
[pause, as he recites the Order of the Kings poem to himself]
Ralph Jones: William III!
various Members of Parliament: [staggered throughout Parliament as Lord Graves is escorted out by Scotland Yard] SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!
Dysentery: [watching on TV] That's right! String him up! Wanker!
Ralph Jones: We have the signed confession of a royal page, Gordon Halliwell, who worked with Lord Graves.
Lord Percival Graves: I know NO SUCH MAN!
Ralph Jones: And several cheques made out to the photographers who took the pictures, signed by Lord Graves. Whose fingerprints were also on the photographs.
Lord Percival Graves: So! I saw them at the ball!
Ralph Jones: And Scotland Yard found the negatives at his house this morning.
Lord Percival Graves: [realizes he's been caught] By what right can you order my arrest!
Ralph Jones: By the Treason Act of 1702 forbidding interference in the proper succesion of a monarch. Enacted by...
[pause, as he recites the Order of the Kings poem to himself]
Ralph Jones: William III!
various Members of Parliament: [staggered throughout Parliament as Lord Graves is escorted out by Scotland Yard] SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!
Dysentery: [watching on TV] That's right! String him up! Wanker!
Phipps: Sir Cedric! Sir Cedric! Good news. We've finally found an heir!
Sir Cedric Willingham: That's wonderful, Duncan. Who is he?
Phipps: His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.
Sir Cedric Willingham: Is he everything we've hoped for?
Phipps: [embarrassed] Well. He has his strengths and his weaknesses. You see, he's
[uncomfortable pause]
Phipps: American.
Sir Cedric Willingham: Quickly, Duncan! The strengths!
Sir Cedric Willingham: That's wonderful, Duncan. Who is he?
Phipps: His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.
Sir Cedric Willingham: Is he everything we've hoped for?
Phipps: [embarrassed] Well. He has his strengths and his weaknesses. You see, he's
[uncomfortable pause]
Phipps: American.
Sir Cedric Willingham: Quickly, Duncan! The strengths!
Ralph Jones: Do you feel that being the king of a major nation is tougher than you thought?
King Mulamboa: Yes, it is difficult sometimes, what with the ceremonial duties and official obligations. But I'm quite pleased with the economic progress my country has made. We are hoping to be the first in Africa to market an automobile!
Ralph Jones: Oh really? I might be in the market myself soon. The Rolls just doesn't have that much "poop". This car gonna have fuel injection?
King Mulamboa: Oh yes, everything. Five-speed transmission, rack-and-pin steering...
Ralph Jones: Reclining buckets? Rear spoiler?
King Mulamboa: No, but it will get excellent gas mileage.
Ralph Jones: Gas mileage is fine, but keep in mind - the first question every car buyer asks themselves is 'Will this car get me laid?'
Sir Cedric Willingham: [whispers to Phipps] Beautifully stated...
King Mulamboa: Yes, it is difficult sometimes, what with the ceremonial duties and official obligations. But I'm quite pleased with the economic progress my country has made. We are hoping to be the first in Africa to market an automobile!
Ralph Jones: Oh really? I might be in the market myself soon. The Rolls just doesn't have that much "poop". This car gonna have fuel injection?
King Mulamboa: Oh yes, everything. Five-speed transmission, rack-and-pin steering...
Ralph Jones: Reclining buckets? Rear spoiler?
King Mulamboa: No, but it will get excellent gas mileage.
Ralph Jones: Gas mileage is fine, but keep in mind - the first question every car buyer asks themselves is 'Will this car get me laid?'
Sir Cedric Willingham: [whispers to Phipps] Beautifully stated...
Phipps: [after Ralph's odd meeting with King Mulamboa] I think he did pretty well, considering. It could have been much worse!
Sir Cedric Willingham: Yes, he could have exposed himself, I suppose...
Phipps: [phone rings, he picks it up] Yes?
[to Cedric]
Phipps: The Prime Minister for you, sir.
Sir Cedric Willingham: [picks up other phone] Good afternoon, Prime Minister. Yes... Oh really? Well it's a strange world we live in, sir. Yes, thank you. Good bye.
[hangs up, to Phipps]
Sir Cedric Willingham: The Prime Minister just spoke to King Mulamboa. The King said he couldn't remember when he'd had so much *fun*...
Phipps: [jumps up, overjoyed]
Sir Cedric Willingham: [almost hugs Phipps, then stops] Um, sherry?
Phipps: Yes, please...
Sir Cedric Willingham: Yes, he could have exposed himself, I suppose...
Phipps: [phone rings, he picks it up] Yes?
[to Cedric]
Phipps: The Prime Minister for you, sir.
Sir Cedric Willingham: [picks up other phone] Good afternoon, Prime Minister. Yes... Oh really? Well it's a strange world we live in, sir. Yes, thank you. Good bye.
[hangs up, to Phipps]
Sir Cedric Willingham: The Prime Minister just spoke to King Mulamboa. The King said he couldn't remember when he'd had so much *fun*...
Phipps: [jumps up, overjoyed]
Sir Cedric Willingham: [almost hugs Phipps, then stops] Um, sherry?
Phipps: Yes, please...
