Last Action Hero Quotes
With the help of a magic ticket, a young film fan is transported into the fictional world of his favorite action film character.
[after seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone]
Danny Madigan: No. It's not possible!
Jack Slater: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!
Danny Madigan: But... that was you! YOU were in that movie!
[a girl close-by hears them]
Girl: [to Jack] You were in a movie?
Jack Slater: Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.
Danny Madigan: No. It's not possible!
Jack Slater: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!
Danny Madigan: But... that was you! YOU were in that movie!
[a girl close-by hears them]
Girl: [to Jack] You were in a movie?
Jack Slater: Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.
[Jack Slater is Hamlet]
Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair?
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be.
Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair?
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be.
Benedict: Gentlemen. Since you are about to die anyway, I may as well tell you the entire plot. Think of villains Jack. You want Dracula? Dra-cool-la? Hang on
[takes out the ticket]
Benedict: , I'll fetch him. Dracula? Huh. I can get King Kong! We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger, have a surprize party for Adolf Hitler, Hannibal Lecter can do the catering, and then we'll have christening for Rosemary's Baby! All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here. They're lining up to get here, and do you know why Jack? Should I tell you why? Hmm? Because here, in this world, the bad guys can win!
[takes out the ticket]
Benedict: , I'll fetch him. Dracula? Huh. I can get King Kong! We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger, have a surprize party for Adolf Hitler, Hannibal Lecter can do the catering, and then we'll have christening for Rosemary's Baby! All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here. They're lining up to get here, and do you know why Jack? Should I tell you why? Hmm? Because here, in this world, the bad guys can win!
Ripper: Hey, Jack. What kept you?
Jack Slater: Are you alright, Danny?
Danny Madigan: Yes, sir.
Ripper: You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me to do. You know, but I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece.
[throws gun off the roof]
Jack Slater: There, it's now it's between you and me. Now let the boy go.
Ripper: Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next. You t - you throw the gun away. Right... we did that part.
[mock laughter, puts down axe]
Ripper: Then, you tell me to let the kid go. Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end?
[throws Danny over the ledge]
Jack Slater: Are you alright, Danny?
Danny Madigan: Yes, sir.
Ripper: You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me to do. You know, but I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece.
[throws gun off the roof]
Jack Slater: There, it's now it's between you and me. Now let the boy go.
Ripper: Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next. You t - you throw the gun away. Right... we did that part.
[mock laughter, puts down axe]
Ripper: Then, you tell me to let the kid go. Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end?
[throws Danny over the ledge]
Benedict: I understand you are interested in drug dealers.
Danny Madigan: [whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.
Jack Slater: Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?
Jack Slater: Yeah, take off your sunglasses.
Benedict: Who's asking?
Jack Slater: [flashes Police badge] The tin man.
Benedict: Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.
Jack Slater: No, they're the wrong color.
Benedict: Are they? Oh dear. Let's change them. Would arterial red suit you?
[points to guard dogs]
Benedict: Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained.
[snaps fingers, dogs form pyramid]
Benedict: I snap my fingers again and some time tomorrow, you emerge from several canine rector. Or you and Toto can return to the land of Oz. Questions?
Jack Slater: Yeah, two of them. Why am I wasting my time with silly putz like you when I could be doing something more dangerous - like rearranging my sock drawer? Two, how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?
[pause, Benedict reveals smiley-face eye]
Benedict: Have a nice day!
[closing the door, he overhears Danny]
Danny Madigan: He had one with a bulls-eye when he was with your second cousin. He hates his boss, he calls him a "Sicilian schmuck."
Danny Madigan: [whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.
Jack Slater: Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?
Jack Slater: Yeah, take off your sunglasses.
Benedict: Who's asking?
Jack Slater: [flashes Police badge] The tin man.
Benedict: Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.
Jack Slater: No, they're the wrong color.
Benedict: Are they? Oh dear. Let's change them. Would arterial red suit you?
[points to guard dogs]
Benedict: Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained.
[snaps fingers, dogs form pyramid]
Benedict: I snap my fingers again and some time tomorrow, you emerge from several canine rector. Or you and Toto can return to the land of Oz. Questions?
Jack Slater: Yeah, two of them. Why am I wasting my time with silly putz like you when I could be doing something more dangerous - like rearranging my sock drawer? Two, how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?
[pause, Benedict reveals smiley-face eye]
Benedict: Have a nice day!
[closing the door, he overhears Danny]
Danny Madigan: He had one with a bulls-eye when he was with your second cousin. He hates his boss, he calls him a "Sicilian schmuck."
Benedict: I wonder if you'd help me test a theory?
Mechanic: Sure, what can I do for ya?
Benedict: Well...
[Benedict shoots him. He listens for a while, looks at his wristwatch, then shouts]
Benedict: Hello? I've just shot somebody, I did it on purpose!
[listens some more, still nothing]
Benedict: I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess!
[listens some more, someone tells him, "Hey, shut up, down there!". He looks pleased]
Mechanic: Sure, what can I do for ya?
Benedict: Well...
[Benedict shoots him. He listens for a while, looks at his wristwatch, then shouts]
Benedict: Hello? I've just shot somebody, I did it on purpose!
[listens some more, still nothing]
Benedict: I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess!
[listens some more, someone tells him, "Hey, shut up, down there!". He looks pleased]
Skeezy: Umm, sir, the guy with the missing eye, I got his License Plate number.
Jack Slater: Good for you.
[thinks for a second]
Jack Slater: ...you mean the guy with the glass eye?
Skeezy: No sir, when I saw him, it was missing.
Cop at Ex-Wife's House: [finds Benedicts glass eye with a message] Vengeance... is...
[lines up the words]
Cop at Ex-Wife's House: ...mine?
Jack Slater: [the glass eye starts beeping] No don't touch...
[a dome shaped explosion surrounds the whole house causing all the house, and car alarms to go off]
Jack Slater: Good for you.
[thinks for a second]
Jack Slater: ...you mean the guy with the glass eye?
Skeezy: No sir, when I saw him, it was missing.
Cop at Ex-Wife's House: [finds Benedicts glass eye with a message] Vengeance... is...
[lines up the words]
Cop at Ex-Wife's House: ...mine?
Jack Slater: [the glass eye starts beeping] No don't touch...
[a dome shaped explosion surrounds the whole house causing all the house, and car alarms to go off]
[When danny comes home with Jack at 4 a.m]
Danny's mom: Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there.
Danny Madigan: Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh.
Danny's mom: " Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?" Will you get in here?
Danny Madigan: Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well.
Jack Slater: Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger.
Danny's mom: Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there.
Danny Madigan: Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh.
Danny's mom: " Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?" Will you get in here?
Danny Madigan: Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well.
Jack Slater: Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger.
Danny Madigan: Benedict! If you harm a hair on her head...
Benedict: Stop!
[Pulls one strand of Whitney's hair, presents it to Danny, and snaps it in two]
Benedict: You were saying?
[Pulls up a chair]
Benedict: Now, I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said, "If you eliminate all logical solutions to a problem - all illogical solutions, however unlikely, become inevitably true." See, I know that your name is Daniel Madigan. What I don't know is how you know mine?
Danny Madigan: Slater showed me some mugshots. We made your face easy.
Benedict: Daniel Madigan from New York. A long way from home, aren't you. When did you get here?
Danny Madigan: Just.
Benedict: And how do you know what I said on Vivaldi's terrace?
Danny Madigan: I heard it in a recording.
Benedict: Microphones in the statues, are there?
Danny Madigan: You wouldn't believe how many.
Benedict: And the eye I was wearing?
Danny Madigan: I saw it. I saw it in a movie. There were micro-cameras in the statues.
Benedict: I should tell you, that I have killed people smarter and younger than you.
Benedict: Stop!
[Pulls one strand of Whitney's hair, presents it to Danny, and snaps it in two]
Benedict: You were saying?
[Pulls up a chair]
Benedict: Now, I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said, "If you eliminate all logical solutions to a problem - all illogical solutions, however unlikely, become inevitably true." See, I know that your name is Daniel Madigan. What I don't know is how you know mine?
Danny Madigan: Slater showed me some mugshots. We made your face easy.
Benedict: Daniel Madigan from New York. A long way from home, aren't you. When did you get here?
Danny Madigan: Just.
Benedict: And how do you know what I said on Vivaldi's terrace?
Danny Madigan: I heard it in a recording.
Benedict: Microphones in the statues, are there?
Danny Madigan: You wouldn't believe how many.
Benedict: And the eye I was wearing?
Danny Madigan: I saw it. I saw it in a movie. There were micro-cameras in the statues.
Benedict: I should tell you, that I have killed people smarter and younger than you.
Ripper: Jack, what kept you? Andy here's been getting nervous. I promised him you'd come. Gave him my word of honor he could watch you die. Lose the cannon.
Jack Slater: Has he hurt you Andrew?
Ripper: Hurt, Jack? You say hurt? What do you know about hurt, Jack? You put me in a cage for ten years.
Jack Slater: You should've gotten the death penalty.
Ripper: Yeah, shoulda, woulda, coulda, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Things crawling around on your head. Sitting on my chest when I wake up. You know what that's like, Jack? It was your illegal search, that rendered the bloody axe admissible. Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun.
[Jack puts his gun on the ground]
Jack Slater: Alright, I'm unarmed.
Ripper: Just one gun, Jack? You gotta be kidding.
[Jack removes nearly a dozen guns]
Ripper: That all, sport?
Jack Slater: Yup, that about does it.
[pulls out grenade]
Jack Slater: Oh, unless you consider this a weapon.
[throws grenade at Ripper's feet]
Ripper: Brilliant, brilliant, Jack. I surrender.
Jack Slater: It's a live grenade.
Ripper: Yeah right, Jack, right right right. You're gonna sacrifice your own child to get to me. I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it. Andy, pick up the grenade.
[Andy slowly picks up the grenade]
Ripper: Come on. Show it to me. That's good. Jack, that toy, can't hurt the boy.
[flashes Axe]
Ripper: But this one can.
Jack Slater: Has he hurt you Andrew?
Ripper: Hurt, Jack? You say hurt? What do you know about hurt, Jack? You put me in a cage for ten years.
Jack Slater: You should've gotten the death penalty.
Ripper: Yeah, shoulda, woulda, coulda, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Things crawling around on your head. Sitting on my chest when I wake up. You know what that's like, Jack? It was your illegal search, that rendered the bloody axe admissible. Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun.
[Jack puts his gun on the ground]
Jack Slater: Alright, I'm unarmed.
Ripper: Just one gun, Jack? You gotta be kidding.
[Jack removes nearly a dozen guns]
Ripper: That all, sport?
Jack Slater: Yup, that about does it.
[pulls out grenade]
Jack Slater: Oh, unless you consider this a weapon.
[throws grenade at Ripper's feet]
Ripper: Brilliant, brilliant, Jack. I surrender.
Jack Slater: It's a live grenade.
Ripper: Yeah right, Jack, right right right. You're gonna sacrifice your own child to get to me. I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it. Andy, pick up the grenade.
[Andy slowly picks up the grenade]
Ripper: Come on. Show it to me. That's good. Jack, that toy, can't hurt the boy.
[flashes Axe]
Ripper: But this one can.
Danny Madigan: Wait a second. Where you going?
Jack Slater: I'll be back!
[pause]
Jack Slater: Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
Danny Madigan: That's what you always say?
Jack Slater: I do?
[sigh]
Danny Madigan: Everyone keeps keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kind of like your calling card.
Jack Slater: I'll be back!
[pause]
Jack Slater: Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
Danny Madigan: That's what you always say?
Jack Slater: I do?
[sigh]
Danny Madigan: Everyone keeps keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kind of like your calling card.
Dekker: And you promised me you wouldn't tell!
Jack Slater: I didn't.
Dekker: Well, then how did he know?
Danny Madigan: "Jack Slater I".
Dekker: What's winning got to do with this?
Danny Madigan: No. The very first "Jack Slater".
Dekker: [to Jack] You told your dad?
Jack Slater: I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid!
Dekker: Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us.
Jack Slater: I didn't.
Dekker: Well, then how did he know?
Danny Madigan: "Jack Slater I".
Dekker: What's winning got to do with this?
Danny Madigan: No. The very first "Jack Slater".
Dekker: [to Jack] You told your dad?
Jack Slater: I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid!
Dekker: Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us.
Dekker: You suck the blood outta cottonpickin' toes I can take from you! I got the California Raisins cast is doing an all-male version of The Diary of Anne Frank doing the all-male version in my frizza sibba! Tiny Tim has stepped onto a totem, so what? You ball peen jackameenis, I'll slap the mouth-outtall the cocksuckin' tales I can take from you! Fridda feen? You know, you take the mayor in the library bush; you're never gonna azizza bazizzes down at the beach; go down to the beaches, y'know? You take the chicken out the bag and stick it UP!
Jack Slater: Look, you're very clever and the only reason I'm not roaring with laughter is cause someone killed my favorite second cousin and that's a bi...
Danny Madigan: Big mistake.
[Jack looks surprised]
Danny Madigan: That is what you were gonna say, right? Gee, how would I know that?
Jack Slater: No one likes a smart ass.
Danny Madigan: Alright, then shoot me. That's right, take out your gun and shoot me. You're not gonna do it, are you? And do you know why? Because people like you don't shoot kids in movies. Because, believe it or not, Jack, you're the good guy!
Jack Slater: You really believe that you're inside a movie, don't you?
Danny Madigan: Yes!
Jack Slater: Alright, I give you ten minutes to prove it. Then, I shoot you.
Danny Madigan: Big mistake.
[Jack looks surprised]
Danny Madigan: That is what you were gonna say, right? Gee, how would I know that?
Jack Slater: No one likes a smart ass.
Danny Madigan: Alright, then shoot me. That's right, take out your gun and shoot me. You're not gonna do it, are you? And do you know why? Because people like you don't shoot kids in movies. Because, believe it or not, Jack, you're the good guy!
Jack Slater: You really believe that you're inside a movie, don't you?
Danny Madigan: Yes!
Jack Slater: Alright, I give you ten minutes to prove it. Then, I shoot you.
Nick: Could I have the ticket back, please?
Danny Madigan: Well, um, we've got this one little... um, hiccup.
Nick: What do you mean "hiccup?"
Danny Madigan: Benedict's here too and he's got the ticket.
Nick: That madman with the glass eye?
[turns to Jack]
Nick: How the hell are you gonna get back?
Jack Slater: That's a good question. But wouldn't want to "nitpick." Right, Danny?
Danny Madigan: Well, um, we've got this one little... um, hiccup.
Nick: What do you mean "hiccup?"
Danny Madigan: Benedict's here too and he's got the ticket.
Nick: That madman with the glass eye?
[turns to Jack]
Nick: How the hell are you gonna get back?
Jack Slater: That's a good question. But wouldn't want to "nitpick." Right, Danny?
Jack Slater: [sees the portal to the real world] I'm not worried that you're crazy anymore. I'm worried that you're right. But if I go, how do I get back?
Danny Madigan: You can't go through life nitpicking every little thing. Now come on!
[hands him his gun]
Jack Slater: [smiles and agrees] The hell with it.
Danny Madigan: You can't go through life nitpicking every little thing. Now come on!
[hands him his gun]
Jack Slater: [smiles and agrees] The hell with it.
