Loaded Weapon 1 Quotes
An LA detective is murdered because she has microfilm with the recipe to make cocaine cookies. A "Lethal Weapon" style cop team tries to find and stop the fiends before they can dope the ... See full summary »
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: [after shooting up a trailer home which then blows up, a man then rises from the flaming wreckage waving a make-shift white flag] What the hell are you doin?
Man in helicopter: Uh. Is this 1014 Pacific coast Highway?
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: HUH?
Man in helicopter: 1014 Pacific coast Highway?
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: NO! THIS IS 814 PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY! 1014 IS TWO BLOCKS UP THAT WAY!
[Points to his right]
Man in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: [sarcastically] YEAH! NO PROBLEM! NO PROBLEM!
Man in helicopter: Uh. Is this 1014 Pacific coast Highway?
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: HUH?
Man in helicopter: 1014 Pacific coast Highway?
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: NO! THIS IS 814 PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY! 1014 IS TWO BLOCKS UP THAT WAY!
[Points to his right]
Man in helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: [sarcastically] YEAH! NO PROBLEM! NO PROBLEM!
Colt: So what are you doing here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Waiting for you.
Colt: I mean, what brought you here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: A taxi.
Colt: Yeah, but why?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: My car's in the shop.
Colt: I mean... Why the hell did you come here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: The police station would have made me nervous.
Colt: You better go.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Waiting for you.
Colt: I mean, what brought you here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: A taxi.
Colt: Yeah, but why?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: My car's in the shop.
Colt: I mean... Why the hell did you come here?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: The police station would have made me nervous.
Colt: You better go.
Gen. Morters: Where's the microfilm, Mike?
Mike McCracken: I don't know, I gave it to York. I thought she was one of your men.
Gen. Morters: Act in haste, repent in leisure.
Mike McCracken: But he who hesitates is lost.
Gen. Morters: Never judge a book by its cover.
Mike McCracken: What you see is what you get.
Gen. Morters: Loose lips, sink ships...
Mike McCracken: Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing or fighting, my friend.
[Gen. Morters, cornered, looks to Mr. Jigsaw]
Mike McCracken: [Mr. Jigsaw consults Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, shakes his head]
Gen. Morters: Sorry Mike, no good.
Mike McCracken: I don't know, I gave it to York. I thought she was one of your men.
Gen. Morters: Act in haste, repent in leisure.
Mike McCracken: But he who hesitates is lost.
Gen. Morters: Never judge a book by its cover.
Mike McCracken: What you see is what you get.
Gen. Morters: Loose lips, sink ships...
Mike McCracken: Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing or fighting, my friend.
[Gen. Morters, cornered, looks to Mr. Jigsaw]
Mike McCracken: [Mr. Jigsaw consults Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, shakes his head]
Gen. Morters: Sorry Mike, no good.
Colt: Nice weather? You think we're having... nice weather? I guess you didn't lose the only one that meant anything in your life. I guess you don't feel burned out by the human misery and despair perpetrated by the criminal vermin that infest every pore of this decaying city, forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheaper whiskey to dull the pain that shatters your heart, rips at your soul, and keeps your days forever gray. What flavor Icee you got today?
Captain Doyle: Don't be so fast to thank me on this, Luger, because you're going to be naked on this one. It's on the line for you. People are going to be watching. Now you blow it, you're going down. You screw up, you're going to be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you're going to be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants will be dancing with figs. Is that clear?
Wes Luger: Everything but the pants fig thing.
Wes Luger: Everything but the pants fig thing.
Wes Luger: What's going on in here?
Mr. Jigsaw: Drop your gun Mr. Luger!
Wes Luger: I don't have one...
Mr. Jigsaw: [confused] You are not carrying a weapon?
Wes Luger: Don't believe in them.
Mr. Jigsaw: [slides a gun over] Pick up the gun.
Wes Luger: [picks up the gun]
Mr. Jigsaw: *Drop* the gun Mr. Luger!
Mr. Jigsaw: Drop your gun Mr. Luger!
Wes Luger: I don't have one...
Mr. Jigsaw: [confused] You are not carrying a weapon?
Wes Luger: Don't believe in them.
Mr. Jigsaw: [slides a gun over] Pick up the gun.
Wes Luger: [picks up the gun]
Mr. Jigsaw: *Drop* the gun Mr. Luger!
Wes Luger: Bust at a cookie factory? I don't know. Can you trust her
[Destiny]
Wes Luger: ?
Jack Colt: Yeah.
Wes Luger: How do you know? You kissed her?
Jack Colt: Well, sort of.
Wes Luger: French?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: Give her a hickey?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: Shaved her back?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: Handled her hooters?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: You parked the pink Cadillac?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: Well what could you possibly know about her?
Jack Colt: I know we both wear the same size Pumps.
Wes Luger: Are you one of those macho guys who just hates women, Colt?
Jack Colt: If I tell you something, do you promise it'll just stay between us?
Wes Luger: Your secret's safe with me, Colt. Whatever you tell me doesn't leave this car. You have my word.
[both are unaware the cop radio is active]
Jack Colt: All right.
[cut to police headquarters, where Colt is heard over the police radio]
Jack Colt: My mother never breast-fed me. She'd... tease me with it, then give me the bottle. It went on for years.
[cut to an airport, where Colt is heard over the loudspeaker]
Jack Colt: By the time I hit thirteen, I developed a love-hate thing with breasts, and a distrust of all women.
Wes Luger: [cut to Earth orbit, where Luger is heard by a space crew] Hell, I breast-fed 'til I was sixteen, and I still don't understand women.
[space crew laughs]
[Destiny]
Wes Luger: ?
Jack Colt: Yeah.
Wes Luger: How do you know? You kissed her?
Jack Colt: Well, sort of.
Wes Luger: French?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: Give her a hickey?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: Shaved her back?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: Handled her hooters?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: You parked the pink Cadillac?
[Colt shakes head]
Wes Luger: Well what could you possibly know about her?
Jack Colt: I know we both wear the same size Pumps.
Wes Luger: Are you one of those macho guys who just hates women, Colt?
Jack Colt: If I tell you something, do you promise it'll just stay between us?
Wes Luger: Your secret's safe with me, Colt. Whatever you tell me doesn't leave this car. You have my word.
[both are unaware the cop radio is active]
Jack Colt: All right.
[cut to police headquarters, where Colt is heard over the police radio]
Jack Colt: My mother never breast-fed me. She'd... tease me with it, then give me the bottle. It went on for years.
[cut to an airport, where Colt is heard over the loudspeaker]
Jack Colt: By the time I hit thirteen, I developed a love-hate thing with breasts, and a distrust of all women.
Wes Luger: [cut to Earth orbit, where Luger is heard by a space crew] Hell, I breast-fed 'til I was sixteen, and I still don't understand women.
[space crew laughs]
Sgt. Billy York: [after being questioned about the microfilm] McCracken!
Mr. Jigsaw: Thank you, Ms York!
[shoots York]
Mr. Jigsaw: [turns around, confused] Is that Dan McCracken, or Mike McCracken?
Sgt. Billy York: Mike...
[Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again]
Mr. Jigsaw: [turns around again] Is he on Alpine or Oak?
Sgt. Billy York: [thinking] Alpine...
Mr. Jigsaw: [shoots York again]
Sgt. Billy York: Psst... Park on Third- you'll never find a spot on Alpine.
Mr. Jigsaw: [smiling] Thank you! You have been most co-operative!
Sgt. Billy York: [in pain] Don't mention it.
Mr. Jigsaw: [shoots York again]
Mr. Jigsaw: Thank you, Ms York!
[shoots York]
Mr. Jigsaw: [turns around, confused] Is that Dan McCracken, or Mike McCracken?
Sgt. Billy York: Mike...
[Mr. Jigsaw shoots York again]
Mr. Jigsaw: [turns around again] Is he on Alpine or Oak?
Sgt. Billy York: [thinking] Alpine...
Mr. Jigsaw: [shoots York again]
Sgt. Billy York: Psst... Park on Third- you'll never find a spot on Alpine.
Mr. Jigsaw: [smiling] Thank you! You have been most co-operative!
Sgt. Billy York: [in pain] Don't mention it.
Mr. Jigsaw: [shoots York again]
Jack Colt: Claire and I rode together for seven years.
Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.
Wes Luger: York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together.
Wes Luger: So what're we looking at here, Doc?
Coroner: The worst-dressed stiff I've ever seen.
Wes Luger: This "stiff" and I pounded a beat together for five years. So show some respect, Doc.
Coroner: I'm sorry, Wes. You know, I see so much of this senseless mayhem that sometimes I get a little insensitive.
Wes Luger: [nods with understanding]
Coroner: All right. This loser has taken the chicken-shit way out and punched her own ticket.
Wes Luger: Suicide, huh?
[He turns over York's body; there is an expression of surprise frozen on her face]
Wes Luger: She must have caught herself by surprise.
Coroner: The worst-dressed stiff I've ever seen.
Wes Luger: This "stiff" and I pounded a beat together for five years. So show some respect, Doc.
Coroner: I'm sorry, Wes. You know, I see so much of this senseless mayhem that sometimes I get a little insensitive.
Wes Luger: [nods with understanding]
Coroner: All right. This loser has taken the chicken-shit way out and punched her own ticket.
Wes Luger: Suicide, huh?
[He turns over York's body; there is an expression of surprise frozen on her face]
Wes Luger: She must have caught herself by surprise.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Ow.
Jack Colt: What?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Painful cuticle.
Jack Colt: You think that's painful?
[touches face]
Jack Colt: Razor burn.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: [holding stomach] Retaining water.
Jack Colt: [lifts shirt, revealing metal piece in flesh] Nickle beer night, Dodger stadium.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: [points to scars] And these? Vietnam?
Jack Colt: [shakes head] Parochial school. Grenade...
[rips left arm off]
Jack Colt: riot at a Love Connection taping.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: That's nothing.
[pulls her hair forward, revealing a metal plate]
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Plate in my head: Elective surgery. I was a fool.
Jack Colt: Try this:
[opens chest, revealing hamster riding a wheel]
Jack Colt: Low budget organ transplant.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Oh Colt... enough foreplay. We were made for each other.
Jack Colt: What?
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Painful cuticle.
Jack Colt: You think that's painful?
[touches face]
Jack Colt: Razor burn.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: [holding stomach] Retaining water.
Jack Colt: [lifts shirt, revealing metal piece in flesh] Nickle beer night, Dodger stadium.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: [points to scars] And these? Vietnam?
Jack Colt: [shakes head] Parochial school. Grenade...
[rips left arm off]
Jack Colt: riot at a Love Connection taping.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: That's nothing.
[pulls her hair forward, revealing a metal plate]
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Plate in my head: Elective surgery. I was a fool.
Jack Colt: Try this:
[opens chest, revealing hamster riding a wheel]
Jack Colt: Low budget organ transplant.
Miss Destiny Demeanor: Oh Colt... enough foreplay. We were made for each other.
