A case of mistaken identity lands Slevin into the middle of a war being plotted by two of the city's most rival crime bosses: The Rabbi and The Boss. Slevin is under constant surveillance by relentless Detective Brikowski as well as the infamous assassin Goodkat and finds himself having to hatch his own ingenious plot to get them before they get him.

Slevin: Listen, I've been hearing that a lot lately...
The Rabbi: [interrupting] My father used to say: "The first time someone calls you a horse you punch him on the nose, the second time someone calls you a horse you call him a jerk but the third time someone calls you a horse, well then perhaps it's time to go shopping for a saddle."
Mr. Goodkat: Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest in Monte Carlo and came in third; that's a story.
The Rabbi: The unlucky are nothing more than a frame of reference for the lucky. You are unlucky, so I may know that I am not. Unfortunately the lucky never realizes they are lucky until it's too late. Take yourself for instance; yesterday you were better off than you are off today but it took today for you to realize it. But today has arrived and it's too late. You see? People are never happy with what they have. They want what they had, or what someone else has.
Slevin: I'm sorry, who are you?
The Boss: I'm The Boss.
Slevin: I thought he was The Boss.
The Boss: Why? Do we look alike? So, Mr Fisher, you were gonna tell me something?
Slevin: I don't know, you brought me here.
The Boss: Yes I did. Back when you thought I was him.
Slevin: I didn't think you were him, I thought he was you. And I was trying to tell him - you that they picked up the wrong guy.
The Boss: The wrong guy for what?
Slevin: Whatever it is you wanna see me about.
The Boss: Do you know what I wanna see you about?
Slevin: No.
The Boss: Then how do you know I got the wrong guy?
Slevin: Because I'm not...
The Boss: Maybe I want to give you $96,000. In that case do I still have the wrong guy?
Slevin: Do you wanna give me $96,000?
The Boss: No, do you wanna give me $96,000?
Slevin: No, should I?
The Boss: I don't know, should you?
Slevin: I don't know, should I?
The Boss: [pause] Long story short.
Slevin: I think we're well past that point.
The Boss: I bet it was that mouth that got you that nose.
Slevin: Okay, I'm under the impression that you're under the impression that I owe you $96,000...?
The Boss: No, you owe Slim Hopkins $96,000. You owe Slim, Slim owes me. You owe me.
Slevin: I'm gonna say the same thing any man with two penises says when his tailor asks him if he dresses to the right or left.
Lindsey: What's that?
[cuts to Boss's penthouse]
Slevin: Yes.
Elvis: [Sloe grabs Slevin by the throat and moves him into the living room] The Boss wants to see you.
Slevin: Who?
Sloe: The Boss.
Slevin: Who's the Boss?
Sloe: The guy we work for.
Slevin: [Sloe let's go of Slevin's throat] Jesus!
Elvis: Come here and sit your punk ass down.
Slevin: [He attempts getting up but is kept down by Sloe] I'm not the guy you're looking for. I don't live here.
Sloe: Yeah, well you look like the guy who lives here.
Slevin: Then you don't know what the guy who lives here looks like.
Elvis: What he means to say is that you look like you live here.
Sloe: Yeah, that's what I mean to say.
Slevin: I have ataraxia.
Lindsey: Ataraxia?
Slevin: It's a condition characterized by freedom from worry or any other pre-occupation really.
The Boss: I bet it was that mouth that got you that nose.
Mr. Goodkat: The reason I'm in town, in case you're wondering, is because of a Kansas City Shuffle.
Nick: What's a Kansas City Shuffle?
Mr. Goodkat: A Kansas City Shuffle is when everybody looks right, you go left.
Nick: Never heard of it.
Mr. Goodkat: It's not something people hear about. Falls on deaf ears mostly. This particular one has been over twenty years in the making.
Nick: Twenty years, huh?
Mr. Goodkat: No small matter. Requires a lot of planning. Involves a lot of people. People connected only by the slightest of events. Like whispers in the night, in that place that never forgets, even when those people do. It starts with a horse.
The Rabbi: You must be Mr. Fisher.
Slevin: Must I be? Because that hasn't been working out for me lately.
The Rabbi: But I'm afraid you must.
Slevin: Well if I must.
The Boss: I hired you to do a job. It wasn't supposed to look like a job. So you take out the Israelis, bomb the damn building and now the job that was not supposed to look like a job is beginning to look very much... like a job.
The Boss: [shows Slevin the body of Slim in his freezer] Hey, Slim? Do you know this cat? Slim?
[turns to Slevin]
The Boss: No use. Ever since somebody shot him, old Slim went deaf.
Slevin: What happened to make Slim go deaf?
The Boss: Why?
Slevin: Well, because I owe you $96,000, and I might have a slight problem coming up with the money.
The Boss: Oh, okay. Well, why don't we just make it an even 90?
Slevin: I... may have exaggerated the slightness.
Slevin: How do you justify being a rabbi... and a gangster?
The Rabbi: I don't. I'm a bad man who doesn't waste time wondering what could've been when I am what could've been and what could not have been. I live on both sides of the fence. My grass is always green. Consider, Mr. Fisher... there are two men sitting here before you, and one of them you should be very afraid of. Where's my money?
[last lines]
Henry: I want to go home.
Mr. Goodkat: Neither of us is going home for a long time, kid.
[Goodkat turns on the car radio]
Mr. Goodkat: My name is Goodkat. You can call me Mr. Goodkat.
[a song called 'Kansas City Shuffle' begins to play on the radio]
Slevin: Bad dog.
Slevin: This isn't the first time this has happened, you know.
Lindsey: You mean this isn't the first time a crime lord asked you to kill the gay son of a rival gangster to pay off a debt that belongs to a friend whose place you're staying in as a result of losing your job, your apartment, and finding your girlfriend in bed with another guy?
Slevin: No, this is the first time THAT happened, but Nick has been painting me into corners since we were kids.
Lindsey: What happened to your nose?
Slevin Kelevra: I was using it to break some guy's fist.
Slevin: The two of you killed everything I ever loved.
Slevin: Fuck you both.
Slevin's Girlfriend: [after Slevin walks in on her cheating on him] This is an accident.
Slevin: What, like... He tripped, you fell?
Slevin: How did you find out about us?
Mr. Goodkat: I'm a world-class assassin, fuckhead. How do you think I found out?
Brikowski: Who are you?
Slevin: Philosophically speaking?
Brikowski: Name.
Slevin: Rank, serial number?
Dumbrowski: You should really play ball kid.
Slevin: Really? You think I'm tall enough?
Brikowski: [hits Slevin in stomach]
Brikowski: What is your name?
Slevin: [gasping for breath] Oh yeah, now I remember, Slevin Kelevra.
Slevin: Who are you?
The Boss: I'm The Boss.
Slevin: I thought he was The Boss.
The Boss: Why? Do we look alike?
The Rabbi: If there's one thing I know, is when someone is lying. A man in my position, that's all he has to go on. To know a lie when he hears it. It's the difference between life and death. Your own. Someone else's. That being said, he wasn't lying.
Slevin: [from an alternate scene on the DVD] God! This - this smarts. Remember when people used to say that - smarts? Why don't people use that word anymore? I mean, people use the word "pain" way too loosely. There are so many types of pain. I mean, a smart is a sharp, sharp pain. An ache is a dull pain.
Elvis: Hey man, do you ever shut the fuck up?
Slevin: Oh yeah, man, I can be real quiet. One time I didn't talk for three days. People kept coming up to me askin' me, 'Slevin, why aren't you saying anything?' I wouldn't even answer them. I just didn't have anything to say, you know? I can be real quiet. Real quiet.
The Rabbi: You're unlucky and nothing more than a frame of reference for the lucky Mr. Fisher. You're unlucky, so that I may know that I am not. Unfortunately, the lucky never realised they are lucky until its too late. Take yourself for instance, yesterday you were better off than you are today but it took today for you to realise it. But, today has arrived and it's too late. You see?
Lindsey: I'm short for my height.
Mr. Goodkat: [his first lines] There was a time.
Nick: [groggily looks at his watch] 4:35.
Mr. Goodkat: You misunderstood. I wasn't asking for the time, I was just saying... there was a time.
Nick: There was a time?
Mr. Goodkat: Mmm-hmm. Take Brown Sugar back there, for example. She's pretty fuckin' foxy, right?
[indicates old lady asleep in next row of seats]
Nick: [incredulous] She's 70.
Mr. Goodkat: If she's a day. But there was a time.
Lindsey: I was just thinking that if you're still alive when I get back from work tonight... maybe, I don't know, we could go out to dinner or something?
Slevin: How do you get to two men that can't be gotten to? You get them to come to you.
Slevin: Anything else you want to tell me?
The Boss: I suppose I don't need to say anything as trite and cliched as "go to the police and you're a dead man".
Slevin: I think you just did.
The Boss: I guess I did.
The Boss: [after Slevin has just told him he'll take the job killing the Rabbi's son] I knew you had sense.
Slevin: Sense is something you have when you have a choice.
The Boss: Sometimes. Sometimes it's when you know you don't.
The Boss: Yitzchok the Fairy.
Slevin: Why do they call him "the Fairy"?
The Boss: Because he's a fairy.
Slevin: What, he's got wings, he flies, he sprinkles magic dust all over the place?
The Boss: [annoyed] He's homosexual.
Mr. Goodkat: At least that's how it went with old Max, who wasn't so much old as he was tired, tired of being a dog without a day. Tired of waking up and finding his dreams were only dreams, but mostly, Max was tired of not having a front lawn.
The Rabbi: Killing you before you killed me would have been...
Slevin: Kosher?
The Rabbi: Acceptable.
The Boss: Are you familiar with the Shmoo?
Nick: [on phone] Slevin, do you know what time it is?
Slevin: Yeah, I'm at the airport. Are you sure you want me to come out?
Nick: Yeah, just think... two weeks in New York and the only Kelly you'll remember is the Kelly who gave you your first hand job on the bus on the way up to summer camp.
Slevin: Kelly Perkins. She told me that her hands were dry and that she needed...
Nick: She said that to a lot of guys. That's why we called her Jerkins Perkins. Just call me when you land, all right?
Elvis: Yo, man, I ain't askin' nobody nothin'! Nick, Slevin, Clark Kent, whatever the fuck your name is. The Virgin Mary herself could com waltzin' up in here with her fine ass, titties hangin' out and everything, and if she tells me your name is Jesus Christ, I still gotta take you to see the Boss. You know why?
Slevin Kelevra: No.
Elvis: Orders. Now you do know what orders is right?
Slevin Kelevra: I think I know... -...
Elvis: Orders is orders.
Slevin Kelevra: So, I guess no one ever taught you not to use the word your defining in the definition.
Elvis: [smirks, punches Slevin] Say something else! I will break your motherfucking nose! I ain't playing with you!
Slevin Kelevra: My nose is already broken.
[scene cuts, with audio of Slevin being punched again, to Slevin's nose broken again]
Lindsey: Thanks for the sugar, sugar.
Old Waiter: [Hearing one side of a phone conversation] Hey Max, who's your favorite uncle? Okay, your second favorite uncle? Okay never mind, just listen...
Slevin: Someone's trying to kill you.
Yitzchok: Who?
Slevin: Me.
Slevin: I'm not gay.
Brikowski: I'm a cop.
Slevin: Well, I'm not a robber if you catch my drift.
The Boss: [showing a picture] That was my son. Notice how I said was?
Slevin: Yeah.
The Boss: That's because he's dead. Murdered. Relegated to the past tense. Sent from an is to a was before he'd had his breakfast.
Slevin: Bummer.
Sloe: You got some id?
Slevin: See, the funny thing about that is I got mugged this morning...
Sloe: [interrupting] Look, look! Tell it to the one-legged man, so he can bump it off down the road.
[Slevin gives a blank stare]
[first lines]
Soldier: He's clean.
Benny Begin: So, why are you here? Hm?
Mr. Goodkat: I'm gonna kill somebody!
The Boss: You? You're the triggerman.
Slevin: Me?
The Boss: You.
Slevin: Aren't there professionals? People you can hire to do this sort of thing?
The Boss: [laughing] Of course there are. Yes. But you owe me $96,000. Why should I go out and pay someone else when I've already paid you?
Slevin: [to Mr. Goodkat] You don't wanna kill me, Goodkat.
Slevin: But I'm not Nick.
Elvis: Yeah, well, unfortunately for you, you're not the first cat to tell me you wasn't the guy I was looking for.
Slevin: You can ask Lindsey. She lives across the hall!
Elvis: Yo, man, I ain't askin' nobody nothin'! Nick, Slevin, Clark Kent, whatever the fuck your name is. The Virgin Mary herself could com waltzin' up in here with her fine ass, titties hangin' out and everything, and if she tells me your name is Jesus Christ, I STILL gotta take you to see the Boss.
Lindsey: Ironic.
Slevin Kelevra: I know, I don't even gamble.
Lindsey: No, I mean the mobster having a gay son. That's ironic.
Lindsey: Hurry back to me.
Nick: Fuck. Shit. Jesus.
Mr. Goodkat: 'Fuck, Shit, Jesus' is right.
Lindsey: We are dealing with a bona fide case of mistaken identity here.
Slevin: Yeah.
Lindsey: Things like that aren't supposed to be real. It's like amnesia.
Lindsey: Not withstanding, here you are and Nick's nowhere to be found, so... I'd say you're fucked.
Slevin: Fucked.
Lindsey: Shouldn't you be a little more worried about all this?
Slevin: I have ataraxia.
Lindsey: Ataraxia?
Slevin: It's a condition characterized by freedom from worry or any other preoccupation, really.
The Boss: Y-you? Nahh... You're dead. You're DEAD!
The Boss: That's all there is to it.
Slevin: Is that all there is to it?
Mr. Goodkat: Yup... That's all there is to it.
Slevin: You're not as tall as I thought you'd be.
Lindsey: Well, I'm short for my height.
Slevin: That makes sense because I can usually tell how tall someone is by their knock. You have a deceptively tall knock. Congratulations.
Lindsey: So it's a good thing?
Slevin: I open the door expecting you to be up here, you're down here. That combined with a low centre of gravity - forget about it.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Slevin: Am I being mugged?
Dumbrowski: Whoever he is, he's either in very deep shit or I don't know what, because he's playing in the sandbox with the Darkies, the Skullcaps and who knows who.
Slevin: Ok, I'm under the impression that you're under the impression that I owe you 96,000 dollars.
The Boss: No, you owe Slim Hopkins 96,000 dollars. You owe Slim, Slim owes me... You owe me.
The Boss: Look at me, look at me smile, your son is dead!
The Rabbi: [whispering to Slevin] Whatever they're paying you...
[smiles slyly]
Slevin: [chuckles slightly] There is no "they... " I did this to you. Me.
The Rabbi: You?
Slevin: Me.
The Boss: Who ARE you?

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