The U.S. government recruits Machete to battle his way through Mexico in order to take down an arms dealer who looks to launch a weapon into space.

Machete: Machete don't tweet.
Voz: I never saw this.
Machete: Machete happens.
La Camaleón: ¡Hola, motherfucker!
Machete: I'm not interested.
Mr. President: Motherfucker, I'm not asking if you're interested. I'm the President of the United fucking States, man.
Machete: Machete don't fail!
Machete: Machete don't joke!
Luz: I thought Machete don't text.
Machete: Machete loves everybody.
Machete: Machete don't smoke!
Voz: I just gotta say that you are one genuine article, Genghis Khan, high-caliber, fucker-people-upper.
Miss San Antonio: Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hairspray. That's part of my cover.
Luz: Takes a bitch to make a bitch. And I smell fish taco.
Machete: [Looking to a wall of weapons] What happen to the world peace?
Miss San Antonio: Fuck world peace.
Grasa: Easy, hombre. You wouldn't shoot a man in a wheelchair, would you?
Machete: No.
[Machete shoots at an air tank, sending Grasa and the wheelchair rolling into enemy gunfire]
Mr. President: You know Mexico. Hell, you are Mexico.
Luz: I knew I smelt bitch in the air tonight!
Miss San Antonio: Payback's the only bitch you need to worry about! This dress costs more than your FUCKING LIFE!
Luz: Didn't anybody ever tell you not to wear a dress to a gunfight?
Miss San Antonio: Oh, baby, I always dress to the nines.
Luz: I dress to kill.
Machete: [Answering the phone] This is Machete!
Miss San Antonio: Watch it now Pussycat. That's not a very ladylike kinda thing to say.
Luz: I don't do ladylike.
Miss San Antonio: So what then, you're just a regular old cranky bitch? Or is it PMS?
Luz: If it were PMS, you'd be dead already.
Machete: Good luck on that pageant.
Miss San Antonio: I'm gonna need a lot more than luck! Did you see the ass of Miss Corpus Christi?
Desdemona: Pucker up, lover boy. Suck on this!
[fires her boob guns]
Title Card: [mock movie trailer] In a land beyond space and time...
Trailer Voice Guy: A new world enslaved. This is a land in need of a hero.
[Trejo removes his space helmet]
Trailer Voice Guy: They call him... MACHETE.
Trailer Voice Guy: Machete Machete.
Trailer Voice Guy: He knows the score.
Space Babe: We need a leader. We need a revolution. We need you, Machete.
Trailer Voice Guy: He gets the space babes.
[deep kiss]
Luz: The people needs us, Machete. This is a new network. It's all... galactic and shit.
Machete: He thinks he's God in heaven. So heaven must fall.
Trailer Voice Guy: And he kills the bad guys. Starring Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez...
Luz: Eat photons, bitches!
Trailer Voice Guy: ...Alexa Vega. With Justin Beaver, as Bleep. And Lady Gaga, as
[provoctive music]
Trailer Voice Guy: whoever she wants to be. With special guest star Leonardo DiCaprio, as the Man in the Silver Mask.
[in a lower voice]
Trailer Voice Guy: Actor subject to change.
Trailer Voice Guy: Machete Kills Again... in Space.
[lower voice again]
Trailer Voice Guy: Rated X for cigarette use, prolonged sexual content, pervasive language, and space violence.
Sheriff Doakes: Well, I'll be goddamned.
Clebourne: They say he doesn't die, sir. Been shot, stabbed. Doesn't ever die.
Sheriff Doakes: Bull-fucking-shit. This Pedro has just got a thick neck is all.
Miss San Antonio: Really? You're gonna make me kill a blind chick? I'm pretty sure they're gonna take my crown for that.
Luz: That's all right. They'll just give it to the next bimbo who spreads like butter.
Desdemona: Ladies, give them hell. Save lover boy for mama. I have a special package for him. Killjoy! Give me my strap-on!
Machete: You're crazy.
Mendez: With a capital C, muchacho.
Police Captain: Why help the U.S.?
Machete: 'Cause I'm the only that can.
Police Captain: You're always the sensitive one, Machete.
Miss San Antonio: So now what happens?
Luz: Ask the last guy who shot my eye out.
Mendez: Special Agent Mendez.
Machete: How many of you are there?
Mendez: Sorry, that's classified.
Miss San Antonio: The M4 carbine long-range. It's got reflex sights, micro-polymer grip, a customized trigger. Fast enough to nip a jackrabbit on roller skates. That is, of course, you happen to come across a jackrabbit on roller skates.
Elon Musk: Good luck, Mr. Machete. Get the bastard.
Mendez: Vengeance never dies, it only changes targets.
Voz: My molecule blaster doesn't quite work yet - keeps turning shit inside out.
El Camaleón 2: Your sense of direction doesn't inspire confidence, señor. Allow me to translate.
[shoots him]
Voz: When you gotta go, go inside out.
Mr. President: Machete, what's this I hear about you having Mendez in custody?
Machete: Things got complicated.
Mr. President: No shit! You were supposed to take him out, not give him a joyride on the Good Ship Lollypop! Damn it, I didn't recruit you for your sense of compassion. Machete kills. That's what he does! He doesn't save the bad guys! Now shoot that motherfucker!
Machete: If he dies, you die. The missile is wired to his heart.
Mr. President: Come again?
Miss San Antonio: Machete, can it be disarmed?
Machete: Only where it was made. VozTech.
Mr. President: VozTech is the biggest weapons supplier to our military! You want to bring him all the way back to the fucking manufacturer?
Machete: I need your help getting him across the border. This is a part of something big. I can feel it.
Mr. President: Last time I sent a black op team into Mexico, they got dead and I got the Oval ass-fuck.
Luz: One minute they're tearin' ass for the border, the next they're vanished. Disappeared without a trace. It's like aliens abducted by goddamn aliens.
Miss San Antonio: [to Machete] Look at you, smarter than the average Mexican.
Luz: I can't see, but I can still kick your ass.
Voz: That's why I'm taking you with me.
[last lines]
Mr. President: I'm President Rathcock, and I approve this message.
Voz: Get that Bastard! Try not to get too many of yourselves killed in the process!
Miss San Antonio: For crying out loud, will one of you well-paid, well-trained gentlemen please shoot that motherfucker!
El Cameleón 1: You wouldn't happen to have a Popsicle I could stick up my ass, would you?
Mendez: I got news for you, cabrón. Killing me ain't in the cards. 'Cause I'm the ticking, ticking, wrath of Mexico, motherfucker.
Mendez: Machete, this man is a dirty cop.
Police Captain: Shut your fucking mouth! Shut up, loco!
Mendez: You shouldn't have said that, amigo. Because if you call me loco, then I'm afraid loco is what you get!
Lieutenant Brass: Immigration? What the fuck is this?
Sartana: What the fuck does it look like? Get your ass on the ground.
Lieutenant Brass: Sweetheart, I'd lose whatever strapdick you rode in on...
[shoots Lt. Brass in his leg]
Sartana: Don't call me sweetheart.
[first lines]
Lieutenant Brass: Where the fuck are they?
Freedom Force Leader: Drop it! Reach for the sky before I put that illegal face in a tussle.
El Camaleón 4: You have it all wrong. This is all a big mistake.
Freedom Force Leader: Only mistake you made was dancin' across that border, muchacho.
El Camaleón 4: No, no, you don't understand. I am not Mexican.
Freedom Force Leader: Don't move your hands, amigo!
El Camaleón 4: Sir. really, listen to my voice. Do I sound Mexican? I am from Ontario, for fuck's sake!
Freedom Force Leader: Canadian and Mexican. Double-whammy. Smoke this fool!
[the Freedom Force members gun down El Camaleón 4]
Voz: Mendez wasn't my only boogeyman. North Korea, Russia, I have a Mendez everywhere. And in a matter of hours, they'll launch on one another, throwing the world into gargantuan, unrecoverable anarchy. Too many syllables? The world is fucked.
Machete: Why?
Voz: This world must end in order for a more perfect one to emerge. And like it or not, Mr. Machete, you're coming with me.

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