Meet the Fockers Quotes
All hell breaks loose when the Byrnes family meets the Focker family for the first time.
Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?
Roz Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?
Bernie Focker: You people?
Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker: Mom.
Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?
Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet]
Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?
Roz Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?
Bernie Focker: You people?
Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker: Mom.
Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?
Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet]
Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
Jack Byrnes: Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truely important. Do you know what that is?
Greg Focker: Love... friendship... enjoying the moment... living... just love.
Jack Byrnes: His legacy.
Greg Focker: That, too. Right, yeah. Sure.
Jack Byrnes: Let me put it very simply. If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.
Greg Focker: Love... friendship... enjoying the moment... living... just love.
Jack Byrnes: His legacy.
Greg Focker: That, too. Right, yeah. Sure.
Jack Byrnes: Let me put it very simply. If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.
Roz Focker: [about Greg's circumcision ceremony] See that's Greg getting circumcised.
Bernie Focker: We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it.
Roz Focker: The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell.
Greg Focker: You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle.
Bernie Focker: We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it.
Roz Focker: The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell.
Greg Focker: You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle.
Roz Focker: How's your sex life?
Dina Byrnes: I can't tell you that!
Roz Focker: I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.
Dina Byrnes: I knew those weren't yoga mats!
Roz Focker: No.
Dina Byrnes: Well, we're not twenty five... anymore.
Roz Focker: But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy...
Dina Byrnes: I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary.
Roz Focker: Oy, neesh geete!
Dina Byrnes: What?
Roz Focker: Not good!
Dina Byrnes: I can't tell you that!
Roz Focker: I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.
Dina Byrnes: I knew those weren't yoga mats!
Roz Focker: No.
Dina Byrnes: Well, we're not twenty five... anymore.
Roz Focker: But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy...
Dina Byrnes: I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary.
Roz Focker: Oy, neesh geete!
Dina Byrnes: What?
Roz Focker: Not good!
Roz Focker: [giving Jack a Hawaiian massage] You are a caged lion! But lions can't be captive their entire lives. They have to be free to roam the bush. Free and wild! Your wife is a hot sexy tigress and she's waiting for you to pounce on her! Let me hear you roar, baby, roar! Your body is talking to me. It's hungry for action! I can feel it. Unleash the beast inside you, Jack!
Roz Focker: How are things with you and Pam?
Greg Focker: They're great.
Roz Focker: They're great? Because after two years you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly?
Greg Focker: Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, okay?
Roz Focker: Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
Greg Focker: They're great.
Roz Focker: They're great? Because after two years you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly?
Greg Focker: Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, okay?
Roz Focker: Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
Greg Focker: It's great to be here with all of you as I am about to set sail in my ship of life with my first mate, the beautiful, young blonde lass over there. Hey baby.
[blows her a kiss]
Greg Focker: I still masturbate to Pam.
Pam Byrnes: Greg.
Greg Focker: What? It's true. Honey, what? C'mon, you're hot. Look at her! Look at those boobs. Man! I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and just
[shakes head making motorboat noise]
Greg Focker: . Man, I just want to nestle in there and take a little vacation in there.
Pam Byrnes: Honey.
Greg Focker: Honey, what? I'm sorry. Okay, excuse me for you being perfect! Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there, my future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes! Dina Dina Bo-Bina Banana Fana Fo Fina. I love D-D-Dina Byrnes! You know they say if you really want to know what a woman's going to look like when she gets older, you should look at her mother. Well I'm lookin' and I'm likin'! Woo, look at her! Sweetness!
[chuckles]
Greg Focker: Good genes. Byrnes gene pool.
[Spies Jorge]
Greg Focker: Hey, hey you! Hold on. Pam, I gotta tell you something about this little dude right here. In my first really passionate sexual awakening, I did, in fact lose my virginity to our beautiful housekeeper Isabel.
Pam Byrnes: Greg, honey, that was in the past so why don't you just come sit down?
Greg Focker: No, no, no, no, honey. 'Cause I have to get this off my chest. Really. We concieved a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. Come up here. Let's lift the veil of mystery. The fruit of my loins is right here! Everybody take a look. See his face. He is mine. Search your feelings Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa.
[hugs him]
Greg Focker: It's okay. I know. Lot of information. You let it settle. Who'da thunk it, huh? Come on, give that kid a hand. Oh, and Jack? Pam's pregnant. Focker out.
[passes out]
[blows her a kiss]
Greg Focker: I still masturbate to Pam.
Pam Byrnes: Greg.
Greg Focker: What? It's true. Honey, what? C'mon, you're hot. Look at her! Look at those boobs. Man! I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and just
[shakes head making motorboat noise]
Greg Focker: . Man, I just want to nestle in there and take a little vacation in there.
Pam Byrnes: Honey.
Greg Focker: Honey, what? I'm sorry. Okay, excuse me for you being perfect! Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there, my future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes! Dina Dina Bo-Bina Banana Fana Fo Fina. I love D-D-Dina Byrnes! You know they say if you really want to know what a woman's going to look like when she gets older, you should look at her mother. Well I'm lookin' and I'm likin'! Woo, look at her! Sweetness!
[chuckles]
Greg Focker: Good genes. Byrnes gene pool.
[Spies Jorge]
Greg Focker: Hey, hey you! Hold on. Pam, I gotta tell you something about this little dude right here. In my first really passionate sexual awakening, I did, in fact lose my virginity to our beautiful housekeeper Isabel.
Pam Byrnes: Greg, honey, that was in the past so why don't you just come sit down?
Greg Focker: No, no, no, no, honey. 'Cause I have to get this off my chest. Really. We concieved a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. Come up here. Let's lift the veil of mystery. The fruit of my loins is right here! Everybody take a look. See his face. He is mine. Search your feelings Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa.
[hugs him]
Greg Focker: It's okay. I know. Lot of information. You let it settle. Who'da thunk it, huh? Come on, give that kid a hand. Oh, and Jack? Pam's pregnant. Focker out.
[passes out]
Dina Byrnes: [after Bernie has destroyed Jack's toilet to save Moses] Jack, he was just trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it had been Jinx who fell in the toilet?
Jack Byrnes: [matter-of-factly] Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to have done in a submergion.
Jack Byrnes: [matter-of-factly] Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to have done in a submergion.
Bernie Focker: It's not about winning or losing. It's about passion. We just wanted him to love what he's doing. Know what I mean, Jack?
Jack Byrnes: Not really, Bernard. I think a competitive drive is the essential key that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today.
Bernie Focker: Well, whatever works.
Jack Byrnes: Not really, Bernard. I think a competitive drive is the essential key that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today.
Bernie Focker: Well, whatever works.
Greg Focker: And do you talk yet, Mr. Munchkinhead?
[makes baby noises at Little Jack]
Jack Byrnes: Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize him. Talk to him like an adult.
Dina Byrnes: Muskrat.
Jack Byrnes: Huh?
Dina Byrnes: Muskrat, Jack.
Jack Byrnes: Oh right.
[to Greg]
Jack Byrnes: Just try to understand, he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands.
[makes baby noises at Little Jack]
Jack Byrnes: Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize him. Talk to him like an adult.
Dina Byrnes: Muskrat.
Jack Byrnes: Huh?
Dina Byrnes: Muskrat, Jack.
Jack Byrnes: Oh right.
[to Greg]
Jack Byrnes: Just try to understand, he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands.
Bernie Focker: At least I'm comfortable enough in my skin to cook for my family. Tell me when was the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed? When was the last time you gave her anything in bed?
Jack Byrnes: Now you're outta line Focker.
Bernie Focker: No man you are outta line. You hurt my feelings there. There's no reason to hurt my feelings.
[looks at Greg and points to Jack]
Bernie Focker: He insulted me.
Jack Byrnes: Now you're outta line Focker.
Bernie Focker: No man you are outta line. You hurt my feelings there. There's no reason to hurt my feelings.
[looks at Greg and points to Jack]
Bernie Focker: He insulted me.
Greg Focker: [to Little Jack] What? You don't like me. I don't like your little red outfit. It makes you look like a little demon baby. Maybe I'll get you a little pitchfork for Christmas, so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham. I'm sorry I can't make little poop sounds and I can't make little things that tell people when I want to do things. But I have a sign for you.
[sticks up middle finger]
Greg Focker: How's that for a sign?
[sticks up middle finger]
Greg Focker: How's that for a sign?
Greg Focker: [singing] And if that mockingbird don't sing, then... Greg is gonna buy you a... diamond ring. And if that diamond ring gets sold, then... Greg is gonna feel like a... big asshole.
Little Jack: ...Asshole!
Greg Focker: [surprised] !... No... oh, no, you don't wanna say that word, cause that's a bad word!
Little Jack: Asshole!
Little Jack: ...Asshole!
Greg Focker: [surprised] !... No... oh, no, you don't wanna say that word, cause that's a bad word!
Little Jack: Asshole!
Greg Focker: This isn't about you, alright? It's not about either of you. It's about me and Pam. We're getting married. That's it. We're starting our own circle of trust. And guess what.
[points to both of them]
Greg Focker: You're not in it.
Jack Byrnes: You can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.
Greg Focker: You know what, you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack. And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.
Jack Byrnes: That is untrue! I say who's in or out of the circle!
Bernie Focker: Well I'm confused. Who's circle am I in?
Greg Focker, Jack Byrnes: Nobody's.
[points to both of them]
Greg Focker: You're not in it.
Jack Byrnes: You can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.
Greg Focker: You know what, you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack. And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.
Jack Byrnes: That is untrue! I say who's in or out of the circle!
Bernie Focker: Well I'm confused. Who's circle am I in?
Greg Focker, Jack Byrnes: Nobody's.
Jack Byrnes: You knew she was pregnant?
Dina Byrnes: We all did, Jack.
Pam Byrnes: Daddy, I was going to tell you after the wedding, I swear.
Jack Byrnes: This is the reason I created the circle of trust so we could discuss these things.
Pam Byrnes: But the circle isn't going to work if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.
Dina Byrnes: We all did, Jack.
Pam Byrnes: Daddy, I was going to tell you after the wedding, I swear.
Jack Byrnes: This is the reason I created the circle of trust so we could discuss these things.
Pam Byrnes: But the circle isn't going to work if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.
Bernie Focker: Is this not the most handsome young man you've ever seen in your life? Used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando. Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle? No really, it's true. I only have one because the other one never dropped. It's called an undescending testicle. It's uh, not uncommon. But look at him! Imagine what he would've looked like if I had two!
Dina Byrnes: Oh, Jack, isn't it wonderful? The kids are *finally* getting married?
Jack Byrnes: [about Little Jack] Wait a second; I think he spoke!
[pushes Dina aside]
Jack Byrnes: Little Jack! Were you about to speak?
[Little Jack passes gas]
Jack Byrnes: It's nothing, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, Dina?
Jack Byrnes: [about Little Jack] Wait a second; I think he spoke!
[pushes Dina aside]
Jack Byrnes: Little Jack! Were you about to speak?
[Little Jack passes gas]
Jack Byrnes: It's nothing, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, Dina?
[the Fockers' outgoing message]
Bernie Focker: Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?
Roz Focker: I have no idea. Just press a button.
Bernie Focker: All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
Roz Focker: I thought they give you gas.
Bernie Focker: A little bit, but it's worth it.
Roz Focker: Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes.
Bernie Focker: Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!
Roz Focker: So make a chimichang...
[beep]
Bernie Focker: Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?
Roz Focker: I have no idea. Just press a button.
Bernie Focker: All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
Roz Focker: I thought they give you gas.
Bernie Focker: A little bit, but it's worth it.
Roz Focker: Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes.
Bernie Focker: Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!
Roz Focker: So make a chimichang...
[beep]
[Jack just finished taking a shower and opens the curtain to find Bernie sitting on the toilet]
Bernie Focker: Morning, partner!
Jack Byrnes: Morning.
Bernie Focker: Sleep okay?
Jack Byrnes: I slept alright, thank you.
Bernie Focker: [long pause as Bernie and the dog stare at Jack] It's nice all of us being here together, don't you think?
Jack Byrnes: Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy?
Bernie Focker: Almost done.
Bernie Focker: Morning, partner!
Jack Byrnes: Morning.
Bernie Focker: Sleep okay?
Jack Byrnes: I slept alright, thank you.
Bernie Focker: [long pause as Bernie and the dog stare at Jack] It's nice all of us being here together, don't you think?
Jack Byrnes: Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy?
Bernie Focker: Almost done.
