Men in Black 3 Quotes
Agent J travels in time to M.I.B.'s early days in 1969 to stop an alien from assassinating his friend Agent K and changing history.
[J is held by two 1969 cops]
Agent J: Look man, I have my rights, and I demand to see a lawyer before you press the red button on that device!
[the cops neuralyze themselves]
Agent J: That was a standard grade neuralyzer, but you're not going to remember that. Keep in mind, just because you see a black man driving a car, does not mean he stole it!
[pause]
Agent J: OK, I did steal this one - but not because I'm black.
Agent J: Look man, I have my rights, and I demand to see a lawyer before you press the red button on that device!
[the cops neuralyze themselves]
Agent J: That was a standard grade neuralyzer, but you're not going to remember that. Keep in mind, just because you see a black man driving a car, does not mean he stole it!
[pause]
Agent J: OK, I did steal this one - but not because I'm black.
Agent J: Damn it! We had him!
Young Agent K: Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.
Agent J: First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not "son," it's not "slick," and it damn sure ain't "Cochise." And I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're running out of time, we're running out of clues and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognizing my "voicial" intensity. Oh, but there was one guy that could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we, that's no bueno.
Young Agent K: We need pie.
Agent J: What?
Young Agent K: My granddaddy always said: "If you got a problem you can't solve, it helps to get out of your head." Pie. It's good.
Agent J: Pie?
Young Agent K: Yeah.
Agent J: Your granddaddy, heavyset man?
Young Agent K: A little bit.
Agent J: Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. You know what? Now, I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie.
Young Agent K: Sounds good.
Young Agent K: Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.
Agent J: First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not "son," it's not "slick," and it damn sure ain't "Cochise." And I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're running out of time, we're running out of clues and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognizing my "voicial" intensity. Oh, but there was one guy that could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we, that's no bueno.
Young Agent K: We need pie.
Agent J: What?
Young Agent K: My granddaddy always said: "If you got a problem you can't solve, it helps to get out of your head." Pie. It's good.
Agent J: Pie?
Young Agent K: Yeah.
Agent J: Your granddaddy, heavyset man?
Young Agent K: A little bit.
Agent J: Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. You know what? Now, I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie.
Young Agent K: Sounds good.
[last lines]
Griffin: This is my NEW favourite moment in human history... unless this is the one where K forgets to leave a tip...
[sees a meteor about to hit the Earth in the distant future]
Agent K: Almost forgot...
[leaves a tip - a satellite appears and collides with the meteor, rendering the Earth safe]
Griffin: That was a close one!
Griffin: This is my NEW favourite moment in human history... unless this is the one where K forgets to leave a tip...
[sees a meteor about to hit the Earth in the distant future]
Agent K: Almost forgot...
[leaves a tip - a satellite appears and collides with the meteor, rendering the Earth safe]
Griffin: That was a close one!
[from trailer]
Agent J: All right, pay attention...
[neuralyzes a crowd]
Agent J: Okay. You know how you kids won the goldfish in that little baggy at the school fair, and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you flushed it down the toilet? Well, this's what happened...
[points to an alien fish towed away]
Agent J: All right, pay attention...
[neuralyzes a crowd]
Agent J: Okay. You know how you kids won the goldfish in that little baggy at the school fair, and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you flushed it down the toilet? Well, this's what happened...
[points to an alien fish towed away]
[Boris meets his younger self in 1969]
Boris The Animal: You pathetic waste of Boglodite flesh, I would kill you now if I didn't value my own life!
Boris The Animal: Who are you?
Boris The Animal: Look at you! Every mistake I ever made, just waiting to happen!
Boris The Animal: What happened to my arm?
Boris The Animal: You lose it, shot off by a human!
Boris The Animal: No human can defeat me!
Boris The Animal: You spend the next forty years in prison, chained up like an animal!
Boris The Animal: There is no prison that can hold me!
Boris The Animal: They built one specially for us, on the moon!
Boris The Animal: The humans haven't been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already!
Boris The Animal: Stop arguing! You can avoid all of that, if you just listen to me!
Boris The Animal: YOU were defeated! YOU let it get shot off! That wasn't me, that was YOU!
[Both Borises roar at each other]
Boris The Animal: You pathetic waste of Boglodite flesh, I would kill you now if I didn't value my own life!
Boris The Animal: Who are you?
Boris The Animal: Look at you! Every mistake I ever made, just waiting to happen!
Boris The Animal: What happened to my arm?
Boris The Animal: You lose it, shot off by a human!
Boris The Animal: No human can defeat me!
Boris The Animal: You spend the next forty years in prison, chained up like an animal!
Boris The Animal: There is no prison that can hold me!
Boris The Animal: They built one specially for us, on the moon!
Boris The Animal: The humans haven't been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already!
Boris The Animal: Stop arguing! You can avoid all of that, if you just listen to me!
Boris The Animal: YOU were defeated! YOU let it get shot off! That wasn't me, that was YOU!
[Both Borises roar at each other]
Young Agent K: Who are you, and what do you know?
Agent J: I'm an agent of Men in Black, but I'm from the future. We're partners, twenty-five years from now you're going to recruit me. And 14 years after, the guy you DIDN'T let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full-scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so really we need to go right now!
Young Agent K: [deadpan] All right.
Agent J: I'm an agent of Men in Black, but I'm from the future. We're partners, twenty-five years from now you're going to recruit me. And 14 years after, the guy you DIDN'T let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full-scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so really we need to go right now!
Young Agent K: [deadpan] All right.
Agent O: Wait. How long have you been craving chocolatized diary products?
Agent J: Just today.
Agent O: Are you experiencing headaches? Dizziness? Loss of balance?
Agent J: Mm-hm.
Agent O: Agitation? Depression?
Agent J: Hell, yeah.
Agent O: Ah. There are only two possibilities. One is you've been bitten by the Horvatian brain tick and could die in horrible agony at any moment.
[slaps J]
Agent O: [beat] Damn it. It's not the tick.
Agent J: "Damn it, it's not the tick"? It's something worse than the tick?
Agent J: Just today.
Agent O: Are you experiencing headaches? Dizziness? Loss of balance?
Agent J: Mm-hm.
Agent O: Agitation? Depression?
Agent J: Hell, yeah.
Agent O: Ah. There are only two possibilities. One is you've been bitten by the Horvatian brain tick and could die in horrible agony at any moment.
[slaps J]
Agent O: [beat] Damn it. It's not the tick.
Agent J: "Damn it, it's not the tick"? It's something worse than the tick?
Agent J: Hey, ain't you coming?
Griffin: [falling behind] No, I'm done here. J, as soon as K blows Boris's arm off everything will be back to the way it was, K will not remember anything that happened here.
Agent J: I got it: arm blown off, history's reset. Okay, thanks G!
[goes on ahead]
Griffin: [to himself] I can never bear to watch this part...
Griffin: [falling behind] No, I'm done here. J, as soon as K blows Boris's arm off everything will be back to the way it was, K will not remember anything that happened here.
Agent J: I got it: arm blown off, history's reset. Okay, thanks G!
[goes on ahead]
Griffin: [to himself] I can never bear to watch this part...
Boris The Animal: What's your plan?
Boris The Animal: Prevent the ArcNet from being deployed. Kill anyone who tries!
Boris The Animal: Good plan - didn't work. With my help we'll get the ArcNet, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful and we will get to keep both of our...
[sees his younger version staring at his stump]
Boris The Animal: STOP STARING AT IT! Listen...
Boris The Animal: Prevent the ArcNet from being deployed. Kill anyone who tries!
Boris The Animal: Good plan - didn't work. With my help we'll get the ArcNet, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful and we will get to keep both of our...
[sees his younger version staring at his stump]
Boris The Animal: STOP STARING AT IT! Listen...
[from trailer]
Agent J: Knuckles, you know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!
Hood: Who's Knuckles?
[a graffiti drawing comes to life in front of the hood]
Knuckles: Relax, punk. They're looking for me, not you!
Agent J: Crazy, right? Two grown men talking to the wall, wall talking back? It's a mess. Hey, don't even worry about it.
[flashes the neuralyzer]
Agent J: Knuckles, you know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!
Hood: Who's Knuckles?
[a graffiti drawing comes to life in front of the hood]
Knuckles: Relax, punk. They're looking for me, not you!
Agent J: Crazy, right? Two grown men talking to the wall, wall talking back? It's a mess. Hey, don't even worry about it.
[flashes the neuralyzer]
[J meets Griffin]
Agent J: How's it going?
Griffin: How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good. Things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.
[as he speaks, the events he narrates occur]
Griffin: ...or if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.
[J stares at Griffin]
Griffin: But that depends.
Agent J: [looks for his partner] K!
Agent J: How's it going?
Griffin: How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good. Things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.
[as he speaks, the events he narrates occur]
Griffin: ...or if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.
[J stares at Griffin]
Griffin: But that depends.
Agent J: [looks for his partner] K!
Andy Warhol: So what are you doin' on my turf, K?
Young Agent K: Tracking a killer, a Bogladyte. We have reason to believe he's gonna hit here next, Glamourian.
Andy Warhol: Glamourian?
Young Agent K: Mm-hmmm.
Andy Warhol: Right solar system, wrong planet. He's gotta be after the Arcanian.
Young Agent K: No, Arcanians are extinct...
Andy Warhol: Well, apparently they're not. One washed ashore last week. The whole Roswell circuit's all abuzz about it. Alien unicorn, last of its species. His name's Griffin, Griffin The Arcanian.
Young Agent K: Tracking a killer, a Bogladyte. We have reason to believe he's gonna hit here next, Glamourian.
Andy Warhol: Glamourian?
Young Agent K: Mm-hmmm.
Andy Warhol: Right solar system, wrong planet. He's gotta be after the Arcanian.
Young Agent K: No, Arcanians are extinct...
Andy Warhol: Well, apparently they're not. One washed ashore last week. The whole Roswell circuit's all abuzz about it. Alien unicorn, last of its species. His name's Griffin, Griffin The Arcanian.
Agent J: [about to time-jump] Hey, how come I can remember K but nobody else does?
Jeffrey Price: Whoa, that means you were there!
Agent J: I was where?
Jeffrey Price: If you survive you got to come back and tell me everything okay?
Agent J: Where was I?
Jeffrey Price: You got to go! Just go, go, go!
Jeffrey Price: Whoa, that means you were there!
Agent J: I was where?
Jeffrey Price: If you survive you got to come back and tell me everything okay?
Agent J: Where was I?
Jeffrey Price: You got to go! Just go, go, go!
Agent J: [Neuralizing another crowd of bystanders] Thank you. Okay, you know how your kid won that goldfish in that little baggie from the school fair and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house, so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flushed it down the toilet? Well, this is what happens. Okay? Y'know what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids.
Jeffrey Price: Okay. What's the plan?
Agent J: You're gonna send me back to July 15, 1969.
Jeffrey Price: No, that's a stupid plan because I sent Boris to July 16th.
Agent J: I'm not worried about that one. I'm gonna go back and kill the younger Boris before the older one even shows up.
Jeffrey Price: That way neither of them will even exist. That's why you get to wear the black suit.
[wants to fist bump]
Jeffrey Price: No? You're gonna leave me hanging. Okay. Oh, I just thought of something. You know, even way back then New York was a big-ish city. So I mean, how are you gonna really find him?
Agent J: On July 15th, Boris killed an alien, Roman the Fabulist, at Coney Island.
Jeffrey Price: You're gonna get there first and be waiting for him? Dude, they should give you like two black suits.
Agent J: My man, for real?
Agent J: You're gonna send me back to July 15, 1969.
Jeffrey Price: No, that's a stupid plan because I sent Boris to July 16th.
Agent J: I'm not worried about that one. I'm gonna go back and kill the younger Boris before the older one even shows up.
Jeffrey Price: That way neither of them will even exist. That's why you get to wear the black suit.
[wants to fist bump]
Jeffrey Price: No? You're gonna leave me hanging. Okay. Oh, I just thought of something. You know, even way back then New York was a big-ish city. So I mean, how are you gonna really find him?
Agent J: On July 15th, Boris killed an alien, Roman the Fabulist, at Coney Island.
Jeffrey Price: You're gonna get there first and be waiting for him? Dude, they should give you like two black suits.
Agent J: My man, for real?
Jeffrey Price: All right. All right. That's a real bummer about your buddy. I'm sure, he was, like, a real great guy, but in terms of the whole space-time continuum, your friend was a little blip on the historical radar!
[Him and J sees the Boglodite invasion on TV]
Jeffrey Price: Oh. That's a big blip.
[Him and J sees the Boglodite invasion on TV]
Jeffrey Price: Oh. That's a big blip.
Agent J: There's no such thing as time travel.
Agent O: Well, there is.
Agent J: No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?
Agent O: Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.
Agent J: You know what? I need a pay raise.
Agent O: Well, there is.
Agent J: No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?
Agent O: Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.
Agent J: You know what? I need a pay raise.
[Z's eulogy]
Agent K: I worked for Zed for over 40 years, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. Heve never asked to me to his house to watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life. Thank you.
Agent O: Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.
Agent J: That was your eulogy?
Agent K: He was a good man.
Agent O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms, when I told the Felucian Zyglot about Zed's passing, she said something that I'm going to repeat. And I'm paraphrasing. Ahem.
[starts screeching in an alien tongue]
Agent O: That's just so Zed.
Agent K: I worked for Zed for over 40 years, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. Heve never asked to me to his house to watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life. Thank you.
Agent O: Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.
Agent J: That was your eulogy?
Agent K: He was a good man.
Agent O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms, when I told the Felucian Zyglot about Zed's passing, she said something that I'm going to repeat. And I'm paraphrasing. Ahem.
[starts screeching in an alien tongue]
Agent O: That's just so Zed.
Agent J: [Neuralizing a crowd of bystanders] Okay, you know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off? And you're like, "I ain't turning my cell phone off. That ain't have nothing to do with no damn airplane." Well, this is what we get. That's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellite, then blam! Just turn your damn cell phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight 'cause your GPS don't work.
Agent J: Can you promise me something, if I go first, you'll do better than that at my funeral? Yeah, something like, uh: "J was a friend. Now there's a big part of me that's gone. Oh, J, all the things I should have said, except I was too old and craggy and surly and just tight. I was too tight. Now, I'm gonna just miss your caramel-brown skin."
Agent K: I'll wing something.
Agent K: I'll wing something.
Boris The Animal: Hello, K.
Agent K: Boris the Animal.
Boris The Animal: [angrily] It's just Boris.
Agent K: You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is still shot off.
Boris The Animal: Yes, my arm. We've thought about that moment every day for the last 40 years.
Agent K: Well, that's just not living a full life.
Agent K: Boris the Animal.
Boris The Animal: [angrily] It's just Boris.
Agent K: You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is still shot off.
Boris The Animal: Yes, my arm. We've thought about that moment every day for the last 40 years.
Agent K: Well, that's just not living a full life.
Young Agent K: You said we don't talk, right? Go ahead, ask me any question. Anything you want, just as long as it doesn't have to do with the case... just let her rip.
Agent J: What's up with you and O?
Young Agent K: Me and O?
Agent J: Yeah, you and O.
Young Agent K: All right, all right... all right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He was in this British group, Rolling Stones...
Agent J: Rings a bell.
Young Agent K: We believed he's on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that's when I met O. She's smart, funny... great smile and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistler's Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave...
Agent J: What the hell happened to you, man?
Young Agent K: I don't know, it hasn't happened yet? Come on, what about you slick? In the future you got yourself a girl?
Agent J: I got you!
Agent J: What's up with you and O?
Young Agent K: Me and O?
Agent J: Yeah, you and O.
Young Agent K: All right, all right... all right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He was in this British group, Rolling Stones...
Agent J: Rings a bell.
Young Agent K: We believed he's on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that's when I met O. She's smart, funny... great smile and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistler's Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave...
Agent J: What the hell happened to you, man?
Young Agent K: I don't know, it hasn't happened yet? Come on, what about you slick? In the future you got yourself a girl?
Agent J: I got you!
Agent K: There are things out there you don't need to know about.
Agent J: That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!
Agent K: I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
Agent J: [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?
Agent K: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
Agent J: That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!
Agent K: I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
Agent J: [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?
Agent K: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
