Men in Black Quotes
A police officer joins a secret organization that polices and monitors extra terrestrial interactions on planet earth.
Edwards: Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Edwards: What's the catch?
Kay: The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
[starts walking away]
Edwards: [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?
Kay: Oh yeah, it's worth it...
[starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
Kay: ... if you're strong enough!
Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Edwards: What's the catch?
Kay: The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
[starts walking away]
Edwards: [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?
Kay: Oh yeah, it's worth it...
[starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
Kay: ... if you're strong enough!
[In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
Zed: May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
[pause]
James Edwards: Or do I owe her an apology?
[pause]
James Edwards: That's a good shot though...
Zed: May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
[pause]
James Edwards: Or do I owe her an apology?
[pause]
James Edwards: That's a good shot though...
Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.
Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you-you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I-I get a little - little midgy cricket?
Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! kid...
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.
Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you-you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I-I get a little - little midgy cricket?
Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! kid...
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!
[K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
Kay: You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
Kay: That's better.
[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
Jay: Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
Kay: You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
Kay: That's better.
[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
Jay: Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
Kay: Do you remember the little red button?
Jay: [warily] Yeah...
Kay: Push the little red button.
[Jay pushes it]
Kay: And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
Jay: Kay! Kayyyyy!
Jay: [warily] Yeah...
Kay: Push the little red button.
[Jay pushes it]
Kay: And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
Jay: Kay! Kayyyyy!
Jay: All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
Kay: Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
Kay: Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
Kay: All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
Jay: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
Kay: A standard issue neuralyzer.
Jay: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Kay: On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
Jay: Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.
Jay: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
Kay: A standard issue neuralyzer.
Jay: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Kay: On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
Jay: Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.
Zed: You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.
Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It IS poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!
[Just then, a flying saucer smashes his truck, and Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
Edgar: Figures.
[Just then, a flying saucer smashes his truck, and Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
Edgar: Figures.
Kay: [looking skywards] They're beautiful, aren't they?
Jay: What?
Kay: The stars.
Jay: K, you're frightening your partner...
Kay: I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.
Jay: K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?
Dr. Weaver: Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...
Kay: I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
Jay: What?
Kay: The stars.
Jay: K, you're frightening your partner...
Kay: I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.
Jay: K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?
Dr. Weaver: Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...
Kay: I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
James Edwards: Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?
Zed: [noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son?
Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!
Zed: [throws Edwards a contemptible glance as Edwards laughs] What's so funny, Edwards?
James Edwards: Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
Zed: [noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son?
Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!
Zed: [throws Edwards a contemptible glance as Edwards laughs] What's so funny, Edwards?
James Edwards: Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay: One hour.
Jay: One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay: One hour.
Jay: One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
Jay: All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.
Kay: Two minutes.
Kay: Two minutes.
[the Edgar-Bug has just captured the deputy medical examiner Laurel Weaver and is holding her at ray-gunpoint]
Kay: Let her go, shit eater.
Bug: Oh, listen, monkey boy. Compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all right?
Kay: You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills.
Bug: You ever pull the wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?
Kay: Let her go, shit eater.
Bug: Oh, listen, monkey boy. Compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all right?
Kay: You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills.
Bug: You ever pull the wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?
[Dr. Weaver is trying to stall Edgar so she can escape]
Dr. Weaver: You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even. There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to impress you, I'm just warning you it could start a war.
Edgar: War? Good. That means more food for my family. All 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Highness.
Dr. Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying HERE!
[escapes]
Dr. Weaver: You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even. There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to impress you, I'm just warning you it could start a war.
Edgar: War? Good. That means more food for my family. All 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Highness.
Dr. Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying HERE!
[escapes]
Kay: This is gonna replace CD's soon; guess I'll have to buy the White Album again... Ah...
[diverting attention elsewhere]
Kay: That is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why... Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? huh?
[diverting attention elsewhere]
Kay: That is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why... Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? huh?
INS Agent Janus: Who are you, really?
Kay: Really?
[puts on a pair of sunglasses]
Kay: I am just a figment of your imagination.
[flashes neuralyzer]
Kay: Damn, what a gullible breed... I'm serious, fellas, you're lucky to be alive after a blast like that.
INS Agent Janus: What blast?
Kay: Underground gas main, genius! You fellas need to exercise a lot more caution before discharging your firearms, I'll tell you that much right now. Especially you.
[points at Janus]
Kay: Now have yourselves checked out with EMS on the other side of the hill before you leave.
Kay: Really?
[puts on a pair of sunglasses]
Kay: I am just a figment of your imagination.
[flashes neuralyzer]
Kay: Damn, what a gullible breed... I'm serious, fellas, you're lucky to be alive after a blast like that.
INS Agent Janus: What blast?
Kay: Underground gas main, genius! You fellas need to exercise a lot more caution before discharging your firearms, I'll tell you that much right now. Especially you.
[points at Janus]
Kay: Now have yourselves checked out with EMS on the other side of the hill before you leave.
[the alien perp is on top of a building running away from Jay. He opens up a door and sees Jay pointing his gun at him]
Jay: What's up?
Perp: He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me, too.
Jay: Yeah, well you just pissing everybody off today, huh?
Perp: You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.
[He blinks with his eyeballs]
Jay: What the hell are you?
[the perp is on the edge of the building]
Jay: Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Let me talk to you. Hey, hey!
[the perp raises his arms, falls off the building and lands on the sidewalk]
Jay: What's up?
Perp: He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me, too.
Jay: Yeah, well you just pissing everybody off today, huh?
Perp: You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.
[He blinks with his eyeballs]
Jay: What the hell are you?
[the perp is on the edge of the building]
Jay: Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Let me talk to you. Hey, hey!
[the perp raises his arms, falls off the building and lands on the sidewalk]
[J crushes cockroaches, which enrages Edgar]
Jay: Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!
[Laurel Weaver looks at the two, amazed as Edgar leans close to Jay]
Jay: You better ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.
[Kay cocks his gun while inside Edgar's stomach]
Jay: Too late.
[He gets blasted into two from inside, Kay falls down next to Jay as they both are covered in slime]
Jay: Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!
[Laurel Weaver looks at the two, amazed as Edgar leans close to Jay]
Jay: You better ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.
[Kay cocks his gun while inside Edgar's stomach]
Jay: Too late.
[He gets blasted into two from inside, Kay falls down next to Jay as they both are covered in slime]
Edgar/Bug: Y'know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.
Zap-Em Man: Well, yeah. Uh... don't you want to get rid of 'em?
Edgar/Bug: Ah... in the worst way.
Zap-Em Man: Well, yeah. Uh... don't you want to get rid of 'em?
Edgar/Bug: Ah... in the worst way.
Kay: Z, get a containment unit to come down to the city morgue...
Zed: Containment will be of little point, old friend. Most of the aliens and ships are gone already. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets the cheque...
[sees the worms are leaving]
Zed: You miserable little ingrates!
Zed: Containment will be of little point, old friend. Most of the aliens and ships are gone already. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets the cheque...
[sees the worms are leaving]
Zed: You miserable little ingrates!
