My Blue Heaven

My Blue Heaven Quotes

An all too uptight FBI agent must protect a larger than life mobster with a heart of gold, currently under witness protection in the suburbs.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.
[Barney tells a joke. Everyone laughs, except Hannah]
Hannah Stubbs: I see that it's funny. I have a sense of humor.
Barney: Of course you have a sense of humor. Everyone thinks they do, even people who don't.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Are you trying to say capeesh?
Barney: Yeah.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Well don't do it, cause it hurts my ears when you do it
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Richie loved to use 22s because the bullets are small and they don't come out the other end like a 45, see, a 45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head and there's a lot of dry cleaning involved, but a 22 will just rattle around like Pac-Man until you're dead.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: The shoes, right? The shoes are tragic.
[Vinnie palms off a $100 bill to Barney]
Barney Coopersmith: You don't tip FBI men!
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Sure you do!
[Pickup line]
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.
Shaldeen: Why is that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Because you could melt all this stuff.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You dirty rat!
Billy Sparrow: Snitch!
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Stool pigeon!
Billy Sparrow: Informer!
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Squealer!
Billy Sparrow: You dirty rat!
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I already said you dirty rat!
Billy Sparrow: Yeah, but I say it better.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: 5 o'clock Christmas morning, I run downstairs and look under the tree and what do I find? Uncle Alfresco, dead on the floor, shot through the back of the head. Plus no bicycle. It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: [trying to blackmail Hannah] How's the turtle Mrs. Stubbs? Did your kids ever figure out you switched turtles on them because I know it would be a major disappointment for the to find out.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Ehh, she's not my type. I like 'em... I dunno, kinda dirty or something.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Arugula. I haven't had arugula in six weeks.
Supermarket Manager: What's that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: It's a vegetable.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Two double scotches please.
Stewardess #1: I'm sorry we can only serve two drinks at a time. Two double scotches would be four drinks.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: OK how about this? You sell me my double scotch, and you sell my friend his double scotch, but instead of putting his double scotch on his tray, you put it on mine and I'll pay you for both. By the way have I told you that you look lovely in red and blue... Pam.
Stewardess #1: Ok, fine. Here you go.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Keep the change.
Stewardess #1: Oh, we're not allowed to accept tips.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: [Turns to Barney] Not allowed to accept tips.
Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: Barney, look at the way you eat pancakes!
Wally Bunting: How does he eat pancakes?
Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: He has a system for eating pancakes.
Barney Coopersmith: So the bottom pancake gets the same amount of syrup as the first.
Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: He has a system for *everything*!
[Vincent Antonelli is questioned about the stolen goods in the trunk of the car he stole]
Hannah Stubbs: The books...
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You have something against books?
Hannah Stubbs: I have nothing about books! I am curious about the books in your trunk.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You see, I was thinking of writing my story, so I bought this one on how to do it.
Hannah Stubbs: Why do you need 25 copies of it?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: In case I want to read it more than once...
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I am the worst case scenario of Thomas Jefferson's dream.
Hannah Stubbs: Your honor, are we to believe that this man is in danger? That some cartoon character men in black suits with white on white ties armed with guns are going to walk through that door as we...
Crystal: [two men enter the court, in black suits with white on white ties pulling out guns] DUCK!
Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: I'm sorry Barney but it's just not fun here. You're no fun!
Barney: No fun?
Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: You get the oil changed every second Tuesday, you get the car washed every fourth Thursday, you get your hair cut on the eleventh of every month. You never, ever get a different haircut!
Supermarket Employee: Have a nice day.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Fuck you!
Linda: [into telephone] Yes, I'd like a cab please at, ah...
[to Vinnie]
Linda: What the frig is the address here?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: How should I know? Number One, Happy Street!
Clerk at Supermarket: Hello sir, would you like to try a vanilla-bran oat crunchy?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: What do you think?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: What a day for a mow eh?
Barney: The Padres play the Mets every so often, though you folks would probably be Yankees fans. It's been my experience that most organized crime people are.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I love the Yankees, Linda loves the Yankees, so does Terry.
Linda: Who's Terry?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You are.
Hannah Stubbs: And where did you learn to jump start a car?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I learned it in the army.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: When did your wife leave?
Barney: October.
Vince: That's when my wife left! What is it about the month of October?
Barney: I dunno. The pressure of Halloween? You never know what to go as!
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I thought you were dead.
Billy Sparrow: That was the general idea.
[last lines]
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You know, sometimes I even amaze myself.
Barney: Would you care to bet on that?
Hannah Stubbs: I never bet when I'm sure and right.
Barney: Presumably you haven't done a lot of betting considering you've only been wrong once in your life.
Hannah Stubbs: [glaring at Barney] Twice.
Barney: It's gonna be a lot easier if you two start calling each other Terry and Todd.
Linda: It's a nice house, Terry, okay?
Barney: No, you're Terry, he's Todd.
[Supervising his Mafia friends laying down sod for a baseball field]
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Green side up, fellas! Green side up!

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