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A misogynistic and snobbish phonetics professor agrees to a wager that he can take a flower girl and make her presentable in high society.
Eliza Doolittle: The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated.
Professor Henry Higgins: There even are places where English completely disappears; in America they haven't used it for years.
Professor Henry Higgins: She's so deliciously low. So horribly dirty.
Eliza Doolittle: [singing] Lots of chocolate for me to eat! / Lots of coal makin' lots of heat / Warm face, warm hands, warm feet / Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?
Professor Henry Higgins: Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Professor Henry Higgins: The French don't care what they do actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.
Eliza Doolittle: I ain't dirty! I washed my face and hands before I come, I did.
[last lines] Professor Henry Higgins: Eliza? Where the devil are my slippers?
Eliza Doolittle: Come on, Dover! Come on, Dover! Move your bloomin' arse!
Mrs. Higgins: How ever did you learn good manners with my son around? Eliza Doolittle: It was very difficult. I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen really behaved, if it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering. He always showed what he thought and felt about me as if I were something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a common flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me like a common flower girl, and always will. But I know that I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering, because he always treats me like a lady, and always will.
Mrs. Eynsford-Hill: I do hope we won't have any unseasonable cold spells; they bring on so much influenza. And the whole of our family is susceptible to it. Eliza Doolittle: My aunt died of influenza, or so they said. But it's my belief they done the old woman in. Mrs. Higgins: Done her in? Eliza Doolittle: Yes, Lord love you. Why should she die of influenza, when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it she was. They all thought she was dead. But my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat. Then she come to so sudden she bit the bowl right off the spoon. Mrs. Eynsford-Hill: Dear me! Eliza Doolittle: Now, what call would a woman with that strength in her have to die of influenza? And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? [pause] Eliza Doolittle: Somebody pinched it. And what I say is: them as pinched it, done her in. Lord Boxington: Done her in? Done her in, did you say? Lady Boxington: What ever does it mean? Mrs. Higgins: It's the new slang, meaning someone has killed her. Mrs. Eynsford-Hill: Surely you don't think someone killed her? Eliza Doolittle: Do I not? Them she lived with would have killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat. Mrs. Eynsford-Hill: But it can't have been right for your father to be pouring spirits down her throat like that, it could have killed her. Eliza Doolittle: Not her, gin was mother's milk to her. Besides he poured so much down his own throat, he knew the good of it. Lord Boxington: Do you mean he drank? Eliza Doolittle: Drank? My word, something chronic. [responding to freddy's laughter] Eliza Doolittle: Here! What are you sniggering at? Freddy Eynsford-Hill: The new small talk, you do it so awfully well. Eliza Doolittle: Well, if I was doing it proper, what was you sniggering at? Have I said anything I oughtn't? Mrs. Higgins: No, my dear. Eliza Doolittle: Well, that's a mercy, anyhow...
Professor Henry Higgins: Mother! Mrs. Higgins: What is it, Henry? What's happened? Professor Henry Higgins: [quietly, bewildered] She's gone. Mrs. Higgins: Well, of course, dear, what did you expect? Professor Henry Higgins: What... what am I to do? Mrs. Higgins: Do without, I suppose. [pause] Professor Henry Higgins: And so I shall! If the Higgins oxygen burns up her little lungs, let her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine. Very well, let her go, I can do without her. I can do without anyone. I have my own soul! My own spark of divine fire! [storms outs] Mrs. Higgins: Bravo, Eliza.
Eliza Doolittle: [singing] I shall not feel alone without you, I can stand on my own without you. So go back in your shell, I can do bloody well without... Professor Henry Higgins: [singing] By George, I really did it, I did it, I did it! I said I'd make a woman and indeed, I did. I knew that I could do it, I knew it, I knew it! I said I'd make a woman and succeed, I did! [speaking] Professor Henry Higgins: Eliza, you're magnificent. Five minutes ago, you were a millstone around my neck, and now you're a tower of strength, a consort battleship. I like you this way. [pause] Eliza Doolittle: Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You shall not be seeing me again.
Professor Henry Higgins: How poignant it will be on that inevitable night, when she shows up on my door in tears and rags! Miserable and lonely, repentant and contrite! Shall I take her in, or hurl her to the wolves? Give her kindness, or the treatment she deserves? Will I take her back, or THROW THE BAGGAGE OUT? Well, I'm a most forgiving man. The sort who never could, ever would, take a position and staunchly never budge. A *most* forgiving man... But, I shall NEVER take her back! If she were crawling on her KNEES! Let her promise to atone, let her shiver, let her moan, I'll slam the door and let the hellcat FREEZE! Marry Freddy! HA! [turns to unlock the door, but stops in despair] Professor Henry Higgins: But I'm so used to hear her say, "Good morning" every day... Her joys, her woes, her highs, her lows, are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in... I'm very grateful she's a woman, and so easy to forget! Rather like a habit one can always break... And yet... I've grown accustomed to the trace... of something in the air... Accustomed... to her... face.
Freddy Eynsford-Hill: It's the new small talk. You do it so awfully well.
Professor Henry Higgins: By George, she's got it! By George she's got it! Now once again, where does it rain? Eliza Doolittle: [sings] On the plain, on the plain. Professor Henry Higgins: And where's that soggy plain? Eliza Doolittle: [sings] In Spain, in Spain!
Mrs. Higgins: Henry! What a disagreeable surprise.
Professor Henry Higgins: All right, Eliza, say it again. Eliza Doolittle: The rine in spine sties minely in the pline. Professor Henry Higgins: [sighs] The *rain* in *Spain* stays *mainly* in the *plain*. Eliza Doolittle: Didn't ah sy that? Professor Henry Higgins: No, Eliza, you didn't "sy" that, you didn't even "say" that. Now every night before you get into bed, where you used to say your prayers, I want you to say "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain" fifty times. You'll get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend His ears.
Professor Henry Higgins: Eliza, you are to stay here for the next six months learning to speak beautifully, like a lady in a florist's shop. If you work hard and do as you're told, you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, have lots to eat, and money to buy chocolates and go for rides in taxis. But if you are naughty and idle, you shall sleep in the back kitchen amongst the black beetles, and be wolloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months you will be taken to Buckingham Palace, in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the king finds out you are not a lady, you will be taken to the Tower of London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other presumptuous flower girls! But if you are not found out, you shall have a present... of, ah... seven and six to start life with as a lady in a shop. If you refuse this offer, you will be the most ungrateful, wicked girl, and the angels will weep for you.
Professor Henry Higgins: You see, the great secret, Eliza, is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better. Eliza Doolittle: I don't care how you treat me. I don't mind your swearing at me. I shouldn't mind a black eye; I've had one before this. But I won't be passed over! Professor Henry Higgins: Well then, get out of my way, for I won't stop for you. You talk about me as though I were a motor bus. Eliza Doolittle: So you are a motor bus! All bounce and go, and no consideration for anybody. But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't! Professor Henry Higgins: I know you can. I told you you could. [pause] Professor Henry Higgins: [quietly] You've never wondered, I suppose, whether... whether I could get along without you. Eliza Doolittle: Well, you have my voice on your phonograph. When you feel lonesome without me you can turn it on. It has no feelings to hurt. Professor Henry Higgins: I... I can't turn your soul on. Eliza Doolittle: Ooh, you are a *devil*. You can twist the heart in a girl the same way some fellows twist her arms to hurt her!
Alfred P. Doolittle: The old bloke died and left me four thousand pounds a year in his bloomin' will. Who asked him to make a gentleman out of me? I was happy. I was free. I touched pretty nigh everyone for money when I wanted it, same as I touched him. Now, I'm tied neck and heels, and everybody touches me. A year ago, I hadn't a relation in the world except one or two who wouldn't speak to me. Now, I've fifty, and not a decent week's wages amongst the lot of 'em. Oh, I have to live for others now, not for myself. Middle-class morality.
Professor Henry Higgins: Damn, damn, damn, DAMN! [astonished] Professor Henry Higgins: I've grown accustomed to her face! She almost makes the day begin! I've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon. Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs, are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in... I was serenely independent and content before we met! Surely I could always be that way again... And yet... I've grown accustomed to her looks, accustomed to her voice, accustomed... to her... face.
Professor Henry Higgins: Marry Freddy! What an infantile idea, what a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do. She'll regret it. She'll regret it! It's doomed before they even take the vow. [sings] Professor Henry Higgins: I can see her now, "Mrs. Freddy Einsford-Hill," in a wretched little flat above a store. I can see her now! Not a penny in the till, and a bill-collector beating at the door! She'll try to teach the things *I* taught her... and end up selling flowers instead! Begging for her bread and water! While her husband has his breakfast in bed! In a year or so, when she's prematurely gray, and the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk, she'll come home, and lo! He'll have upped and run away with a social climbing heiress from New York! Poor Eliza! How simply frightful! How humiliating! How *delightful*!
Eliza Doolittle: I ain't done nothin' wrong by speaking to the gentleman. I've a right to sell flowers if I keep off the kerb. I'm a respectable girl: so help me, I never spoke to him 'cept so far as to buy a flower off me.
Professor Henry Higgins: She's an owl, sickened by a few days of *my* sunshine.
Professor Henry Higgins: You impudent hussy!
Colonel Hugh Pickering: [on telephone to Scotland Yard] No, she's no relation, no. What? Well, just let's call her a "good friend", shall we? I beg your pardon! Listen to me, my man, I don't like the tenor of that question - what we do with her is our affair - your affair is bringing her back so we can continue doing it!
Eliza Doolittle: I sold flowers; I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a lady of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else.
Colonel Hugh Pickering: Higgins, at a time like this, it's positively indecent that you don't need a glass of port.
Landlady: ...and what things does she want? Her bird cage and her Chinese fan. But she says, never mind about sending any clothes.
Professor Henry Higgins: The question is not whether I've treated you rudely but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.
Colonel Hugh Pickering: I'll have you know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins' intentions are entirely honorable! Alfred P. Doolittle: Oh, 'course they are, guv'nor. If I thought they wasn't, I'd ask fifty. Professor Henry Higgins: [shocked] You mean to say you'd sell your daughter for fifty pounds? Colonel Hugh Pickering: Have you NO morals, man? Alfred P. Doolittle: Nah. Nah, can't afford 'em, guv'nor. Neither could you, if you was as poor as me.
Eliza Doolittle: There can't be any feeling between the likes of me and the likes of you.
Professor Henry Higgins: *You* won my bet? You presumptuous insect, *I* won it.
Professor Henry Higgins: Damn Mrs. Pearce; damn the coffee; and damn you!
Lady at Ball: That young woman with Colonel Pickering, find out who she is. Zoltan Karpathy: With pleasure!
Alfred P. Doolittle: What am I? I ask you, what am I? I'm one of the underserving poor, that's what I am. Now, think what that means to a man. It means he's up against middle-class morality for all the time. If there's anything going, and I puts in for a bit of it, it's always the same story: you're undeserving, so you can't have it. But, my needs is as great as the most deserving widows that ever got money out of six different charities in one week for the death of the same husband. Heh, I don't need LESS than a deserving man, I need MORE. I don't eat less hearty than he does, and I drink... oh, a lot more. I'm playing straight with you. I ain't pretending to be deserving... no... I'm undeserving, and I mean to go on being undeserving. I like it, and that's the truth. But, will you take advantage of a man's nature to do him out of the price of his own daughter, what he's brought up, fed and clothed by the sweat of his brow till she's growed big enough to be... interesting to you two gentlemen? Well, is five pounds unreasonable? I put it to you... and I leave it to you.
Professor Henry Higgins: I know your head aches; I know you're tired; I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window. But think what you're trying to accomplish. Think what you're dealing with. The majesty and grandeur of the English language, it's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative, and musical mixtures of sounds. And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer Eliza. And conquer it you will.
Professor Henry Higgins: Oh, Pickering, for God's sake stop being dashed and do something!
Alfred P. Doolittle: I knew she had a career in front of 'er!
Eliza Doolittle: *Here* are your slippers! *There*... [throws a slipper at Higgins] Eliza Doolittle: And *there*! [throws the other one] Eliza Doolittle: *Take* your slippers, and may you NEVER have a day's luck with them!
Professor Henry Higgins: Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Professor Henry Higgins: By George, Eliza, the streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves for your sake before I'm done with you.
[first lines] [sounds from crowd, occasionally a word or phrase, indistinct and mostly not associated with a character] Mrs. Eynsford-Hill: Don't just stand there, Freddy, go and find a cab. Freddy Eynsford-Hill: All right, I'll get it, I'll get it.
Eliza Doolittle: I could have danced all night.
Cockney: We've got a bloomin' heiress in our midst. Will you be needing a butler, Eliza? Eliza Doolittle: Well you won't do.
Professor Henry Higgins: Shall we ask this baggage to sit down or shall we just throw her out of the window?
[repeated line] Eliza Doolittle: I'm a good girl, I am!
Professor Henry Higgins: May I ask, do you complain of your treatment here? Eliza Doolittle: No. Professor Henry Higgins: Has anyone behaved badly? Colonel Pickering, Mrs. Pearce? Eliza Doolittle: No. Professor Henry Higgins: You certainly don't pretend that I have treated you badly? Eliza Doolittle: No.
Professor Henry Higgins: Damn, damn, damn, damn!
Mrs. Pearce: Here's the mail, sir. Professor Henry Higgins: Well pay the bills, and say "No" to the invitations.
Professor Henry Higgins: By George, she's got it! BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT!
Professor Henry Higgins: I paid five pounds for her. She's mine!
Professor Henry Higgins: [singing] Women are irrational, that's all there is to that! Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags. They're nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!
Eliza Doolittle: You oughta be stuffed with nails, you ought!
Freddy Eynsford-Hill: [singing] I have often walked down this street before; but the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before. All at once am I several stories high, knowing I'm on the street where you live... Are there lilac trees in the heart of town? Can you hear a lark in any other part of town? Does enchantment pour out of ev'ry door? No, it's just on the street where you live. And oh, the towering feeling, just to know somehow you are near... The overpowering feeling, that any second you may suddenly appear! People stop and stare; they don't bother me. For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be! Let the time go by, I won't care if I can be here on the street where you live!
Colonel Hugh Pickering: Are you a man of good character where women are concerned? Professor Henry Higgins: Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? Colonel Hugh Pickering: Yes, very frequently. Professor Henry Higgins: Well, I haven't. I find that the moment a woman makes friends with me she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance. And I find that the moment I make friends with a woman I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor and likely to remain so.
Professor Henry Higgins: You might marry, you know. You see, Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like myself and the Colonel. Most men are the marrying sort, poor devils. And you're not bad-looking; you're really quite a pleasure to look at sometimes. Not now, of course, when you've been crying, you look like the very devil; but when you're all right, and quite yourself, you're what I would call... attractive.
Eliza Doolittle: [crying] What's to become of me, what's to become of me? Professor Henry Higgins: You know Eliza, you might marry. Not all men are confirmed old bachelors like me and the colonel, most are the marrying sort. And you're not bad looking, you might even be what I call *atractive*. But not now. You've been crying at look like the very Devil himself.
Freddy Eynsford-Hill: Darling! Eliza Doolittle: Freddy, what ever are you doing here? Freddy Eynsford-Hill: Nothing. I spend most of my nights here. It's the only place where I'm happy. [Freddy steps forward] Freddy Eynsford-Hill: Don't laugh at me, Miss Doolittle. Eliza Doolittle: Don't you call me 'Miss Doolittle', do ya hear? Eliza's good enough for me. [Eliza starts to leave, then turns to Freddy, who is eagerly following] Eliza Doolittle: Oh, Freddy, *you* don't think I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you? Freddy Eynsford-Hill: Darling, how could you imagine such a thing? You know how I feel. I've written two and three times a day telling you. Sheets and sheets!
Professor Henry Higgins: I've learned something from your idiotic notions, I confess that; humbly and gratefully.
Mrs. Higgins: Where's the girl now? Professor Henry Higgins: She's being pinned. Some of the clothes we bought her didn't quite fit. I told Pickering we should have taken her with us.
Professor Henry Higgins: Have some chocolates, Eliza. Eliza Doolittle: [halting, tempted] 'Ow do I know what might be in 'em? I've 'eard o' girls bein' drugged by the likes o' you. Professor Henry Higgins: [Takes a chocolate and breaks it in half] Pledge of good faith. I'll take one half... [puts one half into his mouth and bolts it; then pops the other half into Eliza's mouth] Professor Henry Higgins: And you take the other. You'll have boxes of them, barrels of them. You'll live on them, eh? Eliza Doolittle: [Eliza chews hesitatingly] I wouldn't've et it, only I'm too ladylike to take it out o' me mouth. Professor Henry Higgins: Think of it, Eliza. Think of chocolates. And taxis...! And gold! And diamonds! Eliza Doolittle: Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo! I don't want no gold and no diamonds! I'm a good girl, I am!
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