Nine Months

Nine Months Quotes

When he finds out his longtime girlfriend is pregnant, a commitment-phobe realizes he might have to change his lifestyle for better or much, much worse.

Gail Dwyer: I hate you! You did this to me you miserable piece of dick-brained, horseshit slime-sucking son of a whore bitch!
Marty: That's perfect! I got it all on film, the kids will love it!
[Samuel Faulkner sees needle and faints.]
Dr. Kosevich: See? That is why women have the babies. Men can't take the paaai...
[sees needle and faints]
Dr. Kosevich: [drunk] We'll crack open another bottle just as soon as I circumcise your son!
Dr. Kosevich: I've got it! Nurse, call the Anesthesiologist, this woman needs an enema!
Samuel, Rebecca, Nurse: An enema?
Dr. Kosevich: No, uh, she needs a pedicure!
Nurse: This ain't no goddam beauty parlor!
Dr. Kosevich: Epitath!
Samuel Faulkner: She's not dead, you moron!
Dr. Kosevich: Epidermus... Uh...
Rebecca Taylor: Epidural, asshole!
Dr. Kosevich: Okay, okay, what is wrong? OH FUCK ME! It is not working.
Arnie: Ah, ya cheap shit.
Marty: What did you say?
Arnie: Oh gee, I didn't say nothing mister, you must be hearing things. Bye bye, Arnie loves you. Ya penis-head.
Marty: Now I heard that!
Arnie: Heard what?
Marty: I heard what you said!
Arnie: I didn't say nothing... Ya fat ass pussy.
Dr. Kosevich: You have a girl. Unless I cut the wrong cord.
Dr. Kosevich: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
Samuel Faulkner: [Lost a tennis game] Fuck! Shit! Shit!
Sean: Sam...?
Samuel Faulkner: FUCK!
Sean: Okay, no more today. What happened to that British etiquette?
Gail: You keep this up and you're gonna die alone. Like a dog. Like a bum. Like Van Gogh.
Truman: Are you alright, Man?
Samuel Faulkner: Yes, I'm fine. I was just listening to what you were saying. Um, could you repeat it so I could get it down?
Truman: You're an asshole, and my dad's a bastard!
Rebecca Taylor: [after 2 months of abstinence, she finally feels good enough to make love again. But, after a mad dash to their room and settled in bed... ] I don't think we should make love until we talk to the doctor.
Samuel Faulkner: [tremendously disappointed] Please?
Rebecca Taylor: We don't know what could happen, hon.
[pause]
Rebecca Taylor: But you know what? I bet if we wait a while, we can feel the baby move again.
Samuel Faulkner: [trying hard to be brave] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That would be just as much fun.
Gail Dwyer: Who is that, honey?
Marty: It's, uh, my mother.
Gail Dwyer: I thought she was dead!
Marty: Yeah, I know, it's really weird!
Samuel Faulkner: Think, you Commie bastard!
Dr. Kosevich: Shut up, you limey prick!
Samuel Faulkner: Are you sure?
Rebecca Taylor: I'm ten days late.
Samuel Faulkner: And there's no way you could have had it and just not noticed?
Samuel Faulkner: Can't you give her something for the pain?
Dr. Kosevich: You don't want natural child birth?
Samuel Faulkner: No!
Dr. Kosevich: Okay, uh... You want Anastasia? Drugs, yes? Okay, valium.
Samuel Faulkner: Valium is no good for her.
Dr. Kosevich: No, for me.
Samuel Faulkner: NO!
Samuel Faulkner: I'm so sorry, I was a disgrace, I know now what a bastard I was, I was completely selfish and you had absolutely every right to walk out on me, but I want you to reconsider,
[shows her a ring]
Samuel Faulkner: will you marry me? Rebecca, be my wife.
Marty: I'm not gonna buy your damn video!
Arnie: But the kids will love it...
Marty: My kids will hate it because they think your show sucks!
Arnie: [after a long pause] Oh.
Samuel Faulkner: Thanks anyway.
Arnie: Oh sure, no hard feelings okay?
Marty: Alright.
[He and Samuel walk away]
Arnie: Ah ya cheap shit.
Marty: You know what? I ought to come over there and kick your bony little ass if I wasn't going to have my 5 year-old daughter do it!
Rebecca Taylor: Sam! My water broke!
Samuel Faulkner: Well, we'll get you another one!
Truman: My dad's an asshole.
Samuel Faulkner: Okay. Good. Um, is that something you can maybe elaborate on for me a little?
Truman: Okay. My dad's a giant asshole.
Arnie: I'll shove an "Arnie Loves You" lunchbox up your ass!

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