Parenthood Quotes
The Buckman family is a midwestern family all dealing with their lives: estranged relatives, raising children, pressures of the job, and learning to be a good parent and spouse.
Helen: It sounds like a boy Garry's age needs a man around the house.
Tod: Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He'd say, "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
Tod: Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He'd say, "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
Tod: Can I speak frankly, no holds barred?
[Helen nods]
Tod: That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight?
[Helen nods again]
Tod: Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first... boner. You know what that is?
Helen: If memory serves.
Tod: Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he's been... uh... slappin' the salami. No offense.
Helen: No.
Tod: Apparently, he's goin' for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that's what little dudes do - we've all done it. It made him happy.
Helen: Garry was happy?
Tod: He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!
[Helen nods]
Tod: That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight?
[Helen nods again]
Tod: Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first... boner. You know what that is?
Helen: If memory serves.
Tod: Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he's been... uh... slappin' the salami. No offense.
Helen: No.
Tod: Apparently, he's goin' for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that's what little dudes do - we've all done it. It made him happy.
Helen: Garry was happy?
Tod: He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!
Julie: [door slams as Tod leaves after having a fight with Julie] If he thinks I'm having his baby now, he's crazy!
Helen: [shocked] Baby?
George Bowman: Your daughter's having a baby?
Helen: [even more shocked] A baby?
George Bowman: You're going to be a grandma?
Helen: [laughs incredulously] No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.
[shouts]
Helen: I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
[gestures wildly]
George Bowman: I was at Woodstock.
Helen: [shouts] Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar!
Helen: [shocked] Baby?
George Bowman: Your daughter's having a baby?
Helen: [even more shocked] A baby?
George Bowman: You're going to be a grandma?
Helen: [laughs incredulously] No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.
[shouts]
Helen: I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
[gestures wildly]
George Bowman: I was at Woodstock.
Helen: [shouts] Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar!
Student 1 at College: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
Student 2 at College: What's he yelling?
Kevin Buckman Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
Gil: [Yelling through a megaphone] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
[Kevin shoots the megaphone from his hands]
Gil: Nice shot, son! It's important to be supportive. Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea..."
Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
Student 2 at College: What's he yelling?
Kevin Buckman Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
Gil: [Yelling through a megaphone] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
[Kevin shoots the megaphone from his hands]
Gil: Nice shot, son! It's important to be supportive. Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea..."
Susan Buckman Merrick: [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one - graphic sex sounds from the television as Susan and Grandma enter the room] Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked.
[sees the sex action on the television]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man... Now!
Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
[sees the sex action on the television]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man... Now!
Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
Marilyn Buckman: Cool is adorable. Adorable! Why didn't you write us when you had a son?
Larry Buckman: I didn't know myself until a couple of months ago. You see, a few years ago, I was living in Vegas with this girl. Showgirl. She was in that show 'Elvis On Ice'. Anyhow, we drifted apart, as people do in these complicated times, and then a couple of months ago, she shows up with Cool and tells me "You watch him. I shot someone. I have to leave the country."... That's a parent?
Larry Buckman: I didn't know myself until a couple of months ago. You see, a few years ago, I was living in Vegas with this girl. Showgirl. She was in that show 'Elvis On Ice'. Anyhow, we drifted apart, as people do in these complicated times, and then a couple of months ago, she shows up with Cool and tells me "You watch him. I shot someone. I have to leave the country."... That's a parent?
Helen: [whimpers as she flips through the stack of sex photos of Julie and Tod]
[Julie enters the room and Helen holds up a picture]
Helen: I... I... I think this this one is my favorite.
Julie: It was just for fun, Mom.
Helen: Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job. That's that Tod, isn't it? There's one with his face.
[as she looks closer at the photos]
Julie: Is that what bothers you? That I did those things? Or that I did those things with Tod?
Helen: Gee whiz, Julie, so many things bother me about this, I don't know where to separate them.
[holds up a different photo]
Helen: Oh! Whoo! Here's something for my wallet!
Julie: Tod is very important to me.
Helen: And we've got the photos to prove it!
[as she holds up the sex photos again]
Julie: Mom...
Helen: [looking again at the photos] This is your room. You did these things right here? In my house?
Julie: Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex. I mean with something that doesn't require batteries.
[Julie enters the room and Helen holds up a picture]
Helen: I... I... I think this this one is my favorite.
Julie: It was just for fun, Mom.
Helen: Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job. That's that Tod, isn't it? There's one with his face.
[as she looks closer at the photos]
Julie: Is that what bothers you? That I did those things? Or that I did those things with Tod?
Helen: Gee whiz, Julie, so many things bother me about this, I don't know where to separate them.
[holds up a different photo]
Helen: Oh! Whoo! Here's something for my wallet!
Julie: Tod is very important to me.
Helen: And we've got the photos to prove it!
[as she holds up the sex photos again]
Julie: Mom...
Helen: [looking again at the photos] This is your room. You did these things right here? In my house?
Julie: Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex. I mean with something that doesn't require batteries.
[In the car after the baseball game, Kevin is singing "The Diarrhea Song" while Taylor laughs]
Kevin Buckman: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're driving in your Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy, diarrhea, diarrhea.
Karen: Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?
Kevin Buckman: Last summer at camp, Mom.
Gil: Ah, that was money well spent.
Justin, Taylor, Kevin Buckman: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea.
Kevin Buckman: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're driving in your Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy, diarrhea, diarrhea.
Karen: Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?
Kevin Buckman: Last summer at camp, Mom.
Gil: Ah, that was money well spent.
Justin, Taylor, Kevin Buckman: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea.
Gil: They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...
[smiles goofily]
Gil: ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go!
[holds up jumbled of twisted balloons]
Gil: Your lower intestines.
[smiles goofily]
Gil: ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go!
[holds up jumbled of twisted balloons]
Gil: Your lower intestines.
Nathan: [after inspecting Susan's diaphragm and finding a hole] Well?
Susan Buckman Merrick: Why are you pouring water through my diaphragm?
Nathan: To check. To see if it's OK. You didn't know I did that, did you?
Susan Buckman Merrick: No.
Nathan: Obviously not or you wouldn't have tried this.
Susan Buckman Merrick: Are you accusing me of making that hole?
Nathan: No, a woodpecker came in here, went into the bathroom, opened the drawer with his little wing and pecked a couple of holes in your diaphragm!
Susan Buckman Merrick: Why are you pouring water through my diaphragm?
Nathan: To check. To see if it's OK. You didn't know I did that, did you?
Susan Buckman Merrick: No.
Nathan: Obviously not or you wouldn't have tried this.
Susan Buckman Merrick: Are you accusing me of making that hole?
Nathan: No, a woodpecker came in here, went into the bathroom, opened the drawer with his little wing and pecked a couple of holes in your diaphragm!
Stan: You don't talk like a kid.
Young Gil Buckman: Yeah, well I'm not really a kid.
Stan: You're not a duck.
Young Gil Buckman: This is a memory of when I was a kid. I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own. You don't even really exist. You're an amalgam.
Stan: A what?
Young Gil Buckman: A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years. I combined them into one memory.
Stan: Why?
Young Gil Buckman: This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you... it's why I swore things would be different with my kids. It's my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.
Stan: That's great, that's great. You know, you - you got a lovely family, and I'm a god-damn amalgam!
Young Gil Buckman: Yeah, well I'm not really a kid.
Stan: You're not a duck.
Young Gil Buckman: This is a memory of when I was a kid. I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own. You don't even really exist. You're an amalgam.
Stan: A what?
Young Gil Buckman: A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years. I combined them into one memory.
Stan: Why?
Young Gil Buckman: This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you... it's why I swore things would be different with my kids. It's my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.
Stan: That's great, that's great. You know, you - you got a lovely family, and I'm a god-damn amalgam!
Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
[Susan laughs]
Frank: [mimics Susan laughing] Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
[Susan laughs]
Frank: [mimics Susan laughing] Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
Gil: [lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a vibrator] What's this?
[switches vibrator on]
Gil: [lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room]
Taylor: Mommy, what was that?
Karen: That was... an electric ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kind of big.
Grandma: It sure was!
[switches vibrator on]
Gil: [lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room]
Taylor: Mommy, what was that?
Karen: That was... an electric ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kind of big.
Grandma: It sure was!
Frank: You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio. Did you know that?
Gil: Yeah, Mom said... something about it a couple of years ago.
Frank: Yeah, well, for a week we didn't know. I hated you for that.
[Gil looks surprised and hurt]
Frank: I did. I hated having to care, having to go through the pain, the hurt, the suffering. It's not for me.
Gil: Yeah, Mom said... something about it a couple of years ago.
Frank: Yeah, well, for a week we didn't know. I hated you for that.
[Gil looks surprised and hurt]
Frank: I did. I hated having to care, having to go through the pain, the hurt, the suffering. It's not for me.
Kevin Buckman Age 21: Thank you. When I was 9 years old, I had kind of a rough time. A lot of people thought I was pretty mixed up. But there was one person who got me through it. He did everything right. And thanks to him today, well I'm the happiest, most confident and most well-adjusted person in this world. Dad, I love you. You're the greatest!
