A wayward daughter invites her dying mother and the rest of her estranged family to her apartment for Thanksgiving dinner.

April Burns: I'm the first pancake.
Evette: What do you mean?
Eugene: She's the one you're supposed to throw out.
Man in Mohair Sweater: You know it's funny; my mother was a mean woman, too. Nasty. There wasn't a nice bone in her body. She smoked non-stop, cheated at cards and she complained every day of her life. And you know what? There's nothing I wouldn't do for a chance to spend more time with her.
Jim Burns: I can think of one memory. She was wearing a pink nightgown...
Timmy Burns: That was ME!
April Burns: Once, there was this day... this one day when... everyone realized they needed each other.
Joy Burns: I only have one *nice* April memory. only one. She was about three or four. And she was sitting at the window. An she turned to me and said "oh mother don't you just love every day?"
Grandma Dottie: Did someone say, "April?"
Beth Burns: Yes, Grandma, she's your other granddaughter.
Grandma Dottie: I know, I thought she was dead.
[Joy has just rudely requested that Beth stop singing]
Joy Burns: I'm sorry, I'm terrible.
Grandma Dottie: [pause] Who are you?
Joy Burns: Don't start with that, you know who I am.
Grandma Dottie: I know who you say you are, but my daugther is kind, and sweet, and soft-spoken.
Joy Burns: Not anymore.
Grandma Dottie: Then I don't know you.
Joy Burns: I don't know why I'm so hard on you Beth, when you've always been the daughter of my dreams. We're almost the same person, except I don't have your weight problems and you're making the same mistakes I did and I wish you would make your own.
April Burns: Please give me my stupid fucking turkey!
Bobby: You didn't even know my mother and I pity you for that.
Eugene: You made boxed stuffing?
April Burns: Yeah. What's wrong with boxed stuffing?
Evette: Nothing! I'm sure it's a fine brand.
Bobby: She had this moment of unbelievable strength 'cause she had love.
Latrell: [picks a piece of lint off of the shoulder of Bobby's suit]
Bobby: Yeah. That's what love does.
Joy Burns: I'm giving you a choice. You can either let me study the map, or you can rely on my uncanny sense of direction. Which will it be?
Timmy Burns: Uncanny sense of direction!
Joy Burns: Okay.
[silence]
Joy Burns: Where are we?
Joy Burns: This way, instead of April showing up with some new piercing or some ugly new tattoo and, God forbid, staying overnight, this way, we get to show up, experience the disaster that is her life, smile through it, and before you know it, we're on our way back home.
Evette: I'm 42.
Eugene: No, you 45.
Jim Burns: Just remember everybody. April is cooking.
Joy Burns: We'll need an extra dozen glazed.
Joy Burns: I keep waiting for a good time to tell you, but there's really no good time. I need everyone to listen.
[pause]
Joy Burns: I don't know how to say this.
[pause]
Joy Burns: We need to discuss how each of you, Oh God...
Jim Burns: It's OK, sweetie.
[everyone assumes that Joy is trying to discuss her imminent death from cancer]
Joy Burns: How each of you is going to handle
[pause]
Joy Burns: discarding food without letting our hostess know.
[starts laughing]
April Burns: [discussing old-fashioned turkey shaped salt and pepper shakers that Bobby bought] We had these when I was a kid.
[pause]
April Burns: The one time Joy let me hold them she said, "Be careful, they're worth more than you are."
Bobby: Well, that's terrible.
April Burns: Next year they were gone.
Bobby: So, what happened?
April Burns: A hammer I was holding fell on them.
April Burns: Are you Wayne...? Wayne with the new stove...?
Joy Burns: [Joy is smoking marijuana in a convenience store bathroom] Honey, roll it tighter next time.
Timmy Burns: Sorry, mom.
[Beth has just finished singing]
Jim Burns: Bravo! Encore, encore!
Beth Burns: Any requests?
Joy Burns: That you stop.
April Burns: Well, the cranberries were easy. I just had to open the can.
Eugene: [needing support from his wife] Evette?
April Burns: [sensing Eugene's outrage] What? Oh, come on. Everyone likes it from the can.
Eugene: No one likes it from the can.

If you find QuotesGram website useful to you, please donate $10 to support the ongoing development work.