Notorious Baltimore criminal and underground figure Divine goes up against Connie & Raymond Marble, a sleazy married couple who make a passionate attempt to humiliate her and seize her tabloid-given title as "The Filthiest Person Alive".

Mr. Vader: Do you believe in God?
Divine: I AM GOD!
Babs Johnson: Kill everyone now! Condone first degree murder! Advocate cannibalism! Eat shit! Filth is my politics! Filth is my life!
Babs Johnson: Oh my God Almighty! Someone has sent me a bowel movement!
Miss Edie: Babs, where do eggs come from?
Babs Johnson: From little chickens, Mama. They lay them, and we eat them.
Miss Edie: But suppose someday there weren't any chickens. Would that mean there wouldn't be any eggs?
Babs Johnson: Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that, Mama.
Miss Edie: But... but is it true, Babs? lf there weren't any chickens, there wouldn't be any eggs? Is that true?
Babs Johnson: I suppose so, Mama... but there will always be chickens. You can be sure of that.
Miss Edie: But suppose someday it happens. Suppose someday there weren't any chickens. Oh, Babs, what could I possibly do? And then the eggman wouldn't have... he wouldn't have a job. It might happen, Babs. What could I do?
Babs Johnson: Now, Mama, that's just egg paranoia. I think you're being very silly. There will always be chickens. Why, there are so many chickens now... that we can eat some and let some of them live... in order to supply us with eggs. Chickens are plentiful, Mama. The world will never be without chickens. You can be sure of that.
Miss Edie: Oh, Babs... IT COULD HAPPEN! IT COULD HAPPEN!
Connie Marble: He's been... CASTRATED. His penis is GONE.
Crackers: Do my balls, Mama.
Nat Curzan from "The Tattler": And Cotton... I notice a smile on your lips. Does murder make you happy?
Cotton: Murder merely relieves tension, Mr. Curzan. For murder to bring happiness, one must already be happy and I am- completely at peace with myself, totally happy.
Connie Marble: Oh, I love you Raymond. I love you more than anything in this whole world. I love you more than my own filthiness, more than my own hair color. Oh God, I love you more than the sound of bones breaking, the sound of death rattle - even more than the sound of my own shit do I love you, Raymond.
Raymond Marble: And I, Connie, also love you more than anything that I could ever imagine: more than my hair color, more than the sound of babies crying, of dogs dying - even more than the thought of original sind itself. I am yours, Connie, eternally united through an invisible core of finely woven filth, that even God himself could never ever break.
Babs Johnson: Give me more questions!
Nat Curzan from "The Tattler": Divine, are you a lesbian?
Babs Johnson: Yes! I have done everything!
Divine: This is where they eat, Crackers.
Crackers: Let's sleep in gas station lavatories this time, mama. Fuck permanent residences. It'll strengthen our filthiness.
Cotton: Let's move to Boise, I always wanted to go there!
Babs Johnson: Boise, Cotton? Why, that might not be a bad place!
Crackers: Were you ever there?
Cotton: Only once, we robbed a transit bus there, remember?
Babs Johnson: I remember, the number 42!
Connie Marble: We'll see who's the filthiest person alive! We'll just see!
Divine: Connie Marble, you stand convicted of assholeism! Your proper punishment will now take place. Look pretty for the picture, Connie!
Crackers: A turd, Mama, a turd!
Cotton: Who could've sent this?
Miss Edie: Ahhh. A turd? Oh, a turd! Oh, Babs!
Babs Johnson: This is a direct attack on my divinity!
Mr. J: Even with the hectic events of the day, Raymond Marble still finds time to satisfy his perverted urges. Watch, as he not only commits another act of indecent exposure, but adds to this social horror by making his wife wait in the car. Is there no shame?
Babs Johnson: I'll have to change my appearance. I think I'll dye my hair another color and start dressing like a dyke.
Cotton: Me too! I'll get a crew cut.
Crackers: No one sends you a turd and expects to live!
Divine: Now we must outfilth the asshole or assholes that sent us this, and then they must die!
Babs Johnson: Oh my God, what a horrible photograph. My first wanted poster and I look just awful.
Miss Edie: Look, Babs. So many little eggies, and I'm still starving, and I'm going to eat them all before I go to sleepie.
Sandy Sandstone: Well why did you hold me up for so long? Why did you keep asking me to come back? I had another job I could have taken. How could I have gotten information about this Divine you talk of? I don't know her! You could have given me some lead as to how I could have gathered this data you wanted about her. You lead me to believe I had this job.
Connie Marble: Well, Miss Sandstone, Miss uh... SANDY Sandstone, you just must have been wrong in your assumptions, weren't you? I mean, surely you've heard the expression 'don't count your chickens'? Well, APPLY IT! I never gave you a final answer on this whole thing, and as far as you believing that you had the job, well I've never even considered that you would be the applicant that we would choose. You don't know enough! I mean, I wish everyone was like you and had never heard of Divine, but unfortunately it just isn't like that. Now if you wouldn't mind, I have a busy day ahead of me, there's really nothing left to discuss.
Sandy Sandstone: Well what am I supposed to do now, that's what I'd like to know.
Connie Marble: You can eat shit as far as I'm concerned, Miss Sandstone, or eat anything you like, or do anything you like, just don't assume that I want to know your troubles. Now if you wouldn't mind, I'm a busy woman with a full day's work ahead of me. Please remove yourself from my office!
Sandy Sandstone: You're a real CUNT, do you know that? A real fucking CUNT! How can you be so shitty to people? How can you STAND yourself?
Connie Marble: I guess there's just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone: MY kind of people, and assholes. It's rather obvious which category you fit into. Have a nice day.
Sandy Sandstone: [flipping her the middle finger with both hands] Eat the bird, bitch!
[last lines]
Narrator/Mr. J: "The filthiest people alive?" Well, you think you know someone filthier? Watch as Divine proves that not only is she the filthiest person in the world, she's also the filthiest actress in the world! What you are about to see is THE REAL THING!
[the family ponders who could have sent Babs an obscene parcel]
Edie, the Egg Lady: The Egg Man didn't do it, Babs! I KNOW the Egg Man didn't do it!
Babs Johnson: Oh, I don't think he did it either, mother, now shut up and let me think, WILL YOU?
Raymond Marble: [Connie falls off a couch] Connie! Connie, are you alright?
Connie Marble: What happened, Raymond? What happened?
Raymond Marble: The couch, it... it rejected you!
Connie Marble: Something's wrong, Raymond! Something's terribly wrong!
The Egg Man: I am your eggman, and there ain't a better one in town!
Babs Johnson: I'm all dressed up and ready to fall in love!
Channing: [after being caught in drag by the Marbles] It was just playing!
Cookie: [to taxi driver] You can shove two thirty, hack!
Cookie: [Crackers is thrusting live chickens at her naked body] Noooooooo!
Crackers: Hold it! Hold these goddamn chickens!
Cookie: Ugh, CHICKENS, God! Chickens, all these chickens, these fuckin' chickens hurt! These fuckin' things HURT!
Crackers: Miss Cotton, I got somethin' in mind today I never ever tried before. Somethin' very excitin' for you. My little chickens are gonna be in this show today, Cotton. Me and some nice. juicy, plump chickens!
Connie Marble: Hello, Cookie! I do hope you're hungry.
Cookie: I could go for a sandwich. Mmm, baloney!
Cookie: [referring to her sexual humiliation with a chicken] You have no idea what I had to go through to get that information!
[a dead body is in the basement where Suzie is chained]
Suzie: When are you gonna get her out of here?
Channing: Come on, Little Noodles, you just found a new home!
Suzie: Oh that's real nice! Poor fucking Alice dies giving birth, you can't even bother to move the body, and now the bitch has sold the kid! Poor baby! And YOU, you little suckling, can't even get me my tranquilizers! You shithead, where are my pills? That bitch can afford it! She's got at least another couple grand coming from THIS one, can't she at least give me my fucking pills?
Channing: I said don't talk to me when I come down here.
Suzie: I don't give a fuck what you said, you fucking pig, get this body OUT of here it's making me SICK! When will they get another one, what poor girl will they get next? I KNOW they'll get another one, just like when I came here I replaced somebody, didn't I? You fucking little dingleberry! That's what you're like, you fucking ball of shit!
Channing: SHUT UP, I said SHUT UP don't talk to me when I come down here!
Connie Marble: Nothing but these fucking jerk-off hippies on the road today. Oh, where are their little pig girlfriends! God, I just get so tired, driving around - driving around.
Channing: Here's one up ahead
Connie Marble: PULL OVER!
Raymond Marble: Ooh, yeah she looks real good
Connie Marble: and she'll do just fine
Linda: thanks
[getting in car]
Linda: Hi, wow, where'd you get this beautiful car?
Raymond Marble: At a car dealer, where did you think?
Connie Marble: Where are you going?
Linda: Oh, just downtown, anywhere near Howard Street
Connie Marble: Oh, meeting someone?
Linda: Yeah
Connie Marble: WHO?
Linda: My boyfriend and a couple of other guys, why?
Raymond Marble: Going to a gang bang or something?
Linda: What! Hey, what's with you two?
Connie Marble: We just wondered where you were planning to spread your V.D. today, that's all, hussy!
Linda: I don't think THAT'S necessary...
Connie Marble: Oh you don't, huh? Well, how'd you like to fuck my chauffer? He's got a real horse dick on him!
Channing: [offended] HEY, Connie.
Linda: Hey let me out right here, this is fine...
Raymond Marble: This isn't downtown!
Connie Marble: We're nowhere NEAR downtown, what's the matter, you afraid it ain't BIG ENOUGH for ya?
Cotton: [Babs serves her family a steak she has shoplifted from the market by concealing under her dress between her legs] Mmmm, Babs, smells delicious!
Babs Johnson: Thanks, Cotton, it should. I warmed it up downtown today, in my own little oven.
Connie Marble: Fire, fire, burn it down! Fire, fire, to the ground!
Miss Edie: [Edie wakes up in her playpen and sees Cookie for the first time] Hey, pretty little face! Pretty little face you got there.
Cookie: Hi I'm Cookie, I understand you're Edie, Crackers' grandmother?
Miss Edie: Edie Schmeedie Heedie, HA HA HA HA!
Babs Johnson: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Crackers: Sure mama, I wouldn't shit ya.

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