An alien civilization is invaded by Astronaut Chuck Baker, who believes that the planet was uninhabited. Wanted by the military, Baker must get back to his ship before it goes into orbit without him.

Skiff: [looks at Chuck who is naked] That's a funny place for his antenna.
Lem: You were just talking alien.
Captain Charles T. Baker: Hey, I'm not the alien here. You are.
Lem: Me? You are.
Captain Charles T. Baker: No, you are.
Lem: You are. You... You came to my planet.
Captain Charles T. Baker: An alien planet. Hello.
Lem: A cork?
Skiff: It's your best defense against the aliens' favorite form of research. The probe. You put it...
[points at his butt]
Lem: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I get it.
Skiff: Oh, wait. This is yours. I already used that one.
Lem: What do you want?
Captain Charles T. Baker: Thanks for asking. Coffee, light, two sugars. Do you have any Frappucino up here? Any puff pastry, too. Thanks.
Lem: No, I mean are you here to take over our world and, like, eat our brains?
Captain Charles T. Baker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. What kind of sick planet is this? First of all, it's supposed to be uninhabited, okay? Nut full of sea monkeys dancing to the oldies. My mission was to plant Old Glory, whack a few golf balls and head back to the Kids Choice Awards. I'm getting slimed.
General Grawl: [to Chuck] Tell us your invasion plans! And don't bother taking over my mind. If you do, Captain Kisno has orders to shoot me. If you take over Captain Kisno's mind, Lieutenant Groit has orders to shoot him. If you take over Lieutenant Groit's mind, Sergeant York will shoot Captain Kisno, Lieutenant Groit and myself along with these three soldiers. Each man has a designated target in the squad. Should you succeed in taking over all of our minds, Corporal Hisk has orders to electrocute everyone. If this fails, the entire base is rigged to blow at the touch of a button.
Soldier #1: Uh, General, sir? Am I to shoot Hecknavar or Kolski?
Soldier #2: I shoot Kolski.
General Grawl: No. You shoot Meckavoy.
Soldier #2: Then who shoots Kolski?
Soldier #3: I can shoot myself.
General Grawl: That won't be necessary. Hecknavar, you shoot Kolski, Captain Kisno and and graze Corporal Hisk.
Eckle: That's our planet after the attack of the Humaniacs. They're gonna eat our brains for dinner!
Lem: Everybody, please, that's ridiculous.
Skiff: Totally ridiculous! Brains for dinner? Come on! Brains are breakfast with cereal and milk. Dinner is organs and eyeballs.
Skiff: [looking up at movie poster sign] There it is. Just two more days.
Eckle: Wow. Humaniacs III: The Final Battle for Our World.
Skiff, Eckle: Victory or extinction!
Lem: If you guys go in costume, I'm pretending we never met.
Eckle: Did you just say what I think you just said?
Lem: I'm a planetarium professional now. I don't have time for kids' movies anymore.
Skiff: [gasps] Kids' movies? I suppose next you'll say aliens don't exist!
Lem: Duh!
Skiff: Ha! Just as I thought! You're not Lem. You're an alien zombie, like in Humaniacs II.
Lem: Skiff, I'm not a zombie.
Skiff: Yeah, that's what you zombies are programmed to say. Tell me something the real Lem would know.
Lem: Well, I know Skiff is the only nutcase who thinks the government is hiding all alien evidence in Base 9. And you give candy to your puppy so he'll poop jelly beans.
Eckle: [exclaims in disgust]
Skiff: It was just an experiment.
Captain Charles T. Baker: You'd destroy the whole base just to get me?
Neera: That is sick!
Captain Charles T. Baker: Actually I'm kinda flattered.
Captain Charles T. Baker: I'm on Facebook!
Lem: [to weird bubbly fish-like pets] I don't want to hear a single bubble!
Lem: Especially you, Bubbles.
[first lines]
girl: I've never gone parking before. I'm really not that kind of a girl.
boy: Well, I'm not the kind of a guy who would go with *that* kind of girl.
girl: Why that's so sweet - I think.
boy: There's nothing to be scared of.
[as alien craft rears up in front of them]
Lem: Lem. Lem.
Captain Charles T. Baker: Either your name is Lem, or you want to mate with me. Houston, we have a little problem.
Lem: What are we supposed to do?
Captain Charles T. Baker: Give them their daily minimum dose of Chuck.
Captain Charles T. Baker: [holds up a Twix bar] Eat this. You become invincible.
Lem: Oh good, then you do it.
General Grawl: Look at it, Professor. It's hideous. And that smell...
Captain Charles T. Baker: Hey, you try wearing the same suit for three weeks.
Skiff: [to Captain Baker] If you have to do a number 1, use these papers. If you have to do a number 2, go outside. And, if it's number 3, I can't help you.
Skiff: I love fake-alien-poop day.
Captain Charles T. Baker: Oh, just great! Perfect! John Glenn goes around the world, he's a senator for life. I went across the fricking universe! I should be governor, minimum! But, no, I'm marooned here on this stupid rock!
Glar: The times... they are a different.
[last lines]
Captain Charles T. Baker: You're a great planet, and your 50's are fine, but give me a call when get to the 60's, 'cause that's gonna be fun.

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