A neurotic film critic tries to get over his wife leaving him by dating again, much by the help of a married couple and his alter ego, Humphrey Bogart.

Allan: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
Museum Girl: Yes, it is.
Allan: What does it say to you?
Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum Girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
Allan: I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
Nancy: My lawyer will call your lawyer.
Allan: I don't have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor.
Nancy: You're a dreamer. You're awkward. You're clumsy. They can see how desperate you are. You know this. You said it yourself. Oh, face it, Allan. You may be very sweet but you're not sexy.
Allan: I'm so excited, I think I'll brush all my teeth today!
Allan: I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?
Allan: If that plane leaves the ground, and you're not on it with him, you'll regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
Linda: That's beautiful!
Allan: It's from Casablanca; I waited my whole life to say it.
Dick: What? You got into a fight?
Allan: Yep.
Dick: With who?
Allan: Some guys were getting tough with Julie. I had to teach them a lesson.
Dick: Are you all right?
Allan: Yeah, I'm fine. I snapped my chin down onto some guy's fist and hit another one in the knee with my nose.
Dick: Allan, you have invested your emotions in a losing stock, it was wiped out, it dropped off the board. Now what do you do Allan? You reinvest. Maybe in a more stable stock. Something with long term growth possibilities.
Allan: Who are you going to fix me up with, General Motors?
Bogart: Now move closer to her.
Allan: How close?
Bogart: The length of your lips.
Allan: That's very close.
Nancy: Don't listen to him!
Bogart: Don't listen to HER!
Allan: Fellas, we're in a supermarket.
Dick: He was always very fussy.
Allan: Yes, but look at the results.
Dick: Yes, you never went out.
Bogart: Somewheres in life you got turned around; it's HER job to smell good for YOU.
Linda: What reason did she give for wanting a divorce?
Allan: She wants a laugh; she doesn't laugh enough. Insufficient laughter; that's grounds for divorce. Oh, and skiing! She wants to go skiing. She wants to ski down a mountain laughing like an idiot.
Allan: I can't do it. How does it look? I invite her over and then come on like a sex degenerate. What am I, a rapist?
Bogart: You're getting carried away. You think too much. Just do it.
Allan: We're platonic friends. I can't spoil that by coming on. She'll slap my face.
Bogart: Oh, I've had my face slapped plenty of times.
Allan: Yeah, but your glasses don't go flying across the room.
Allan: This is a beautiful beach house.
Linda: Thank you.
Allan: Yeah, let's burn it down for the insurance money.
Linda: Maybe if you just leaned across the candlelight and kissed her.
Allan: I tried, she used to say, "Christ, not here, everybody's staring."
Allan: I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.
Dick: You know any other girls?
Linda: I don't know if any of my friends are his type. I mean, most of the girls I know are fairly normal.
Linda: I feel some sort of a mystical attraction for Van Gogh. Why is that?
Allan: I don't know. I just know he was a great painter and he cut off an ear for a girl that he loved.
Linda: That's the kind of thing you would do for a girl.
Allan: I'd really have to like her a lot.
Allan: I had to go to Washington once when I was married, and even though I was the one leaving, I got sick; and when I returned, my wife threw up.
Allan: I have met a lot of dames, but you are REALLY something special.
Linda: Really?
Allan: [to Bogart] She bought it!
Dick: Who were these guys?
Allan: Oh, they said they were hairdressers, hard to believe though.
Dick: I'll be at 362-9296 for a while; then I'll be at 648-0024 for about fifteen minutes; then I'll be at 752-0420; and then I'll be home, at 621-4598. Yeah, right George, bye-bye.
Linda: There's a phone booth on the corner. You want me to run downstairs and get the number? You'll be passing it.
Allan: You were fantastic last night in bed.
Linda: Oh, thanks.
Allan: How do you feel now?
Linda: I think the Pepto Bismol helped.
Linda: My God! Can't you cook anything but TV dinners?
Allan: Who bothers to cook them? I suck 'em frozen.
[Trying to be like Bogart]
Allan: Sorry I had to slap you around, but you got hysterical when I said, "No more."
Linda: Allan, the world is full of eligible women.
Allan: Yeah, but not like Nancy. She was a lovely thing. I used to lay in bed at night and watch her sleep. Once in a while she would wake up and catch me. She would let out a scream.
Allan: Look. Last night you felt like a woman and I felt like a man... And that's the kind of thing those people do.
[first lines]
[clip from 'Casablanca']
Airport guard: Hello, radio tower, Lisbon plane taking off in ten minutes, east runway. Thank you.
Richard 'Rick' Blaine: Louis, have your man go with Mr. Lazlo and take care of his luggage.
Captain Renault: Certainly, Rick, anything you say. Find Mr. Lazlo's luggage and put it on the plane.
Airport guard: Yes, sir. This way please.
Allan: [Preparing room for guests] Got just the thing, my hundred yard dash medal.
Linda: Oh you're joking; you're not going to leave out a track medal.
Allan: Why not? I paid twenty dollars for it.
[last lines]
Bogart: That was great. You've, uh, you've really developed yourself a little style.
Allan: Yeah, I do have a certain amount of style, don't I?
Bogart: Well, I guess you won't be needing me any more. There's nothing I can tell you now that you don't already know.
Allan: I guess that's so. I guess the secret's not being you, it's being me. True, you're - you're not too tall and kind of ugly, but - what the hell, I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Bogart: Hmmph. Here's looking at you, kid.
Allan: Here, I got you a present because it's your birthday.
Linda: How'd you know?
Allan: Well, you mentioned the date and I remembered because it's the same day my mother had her hysterectomy.
Allan: No, my parents never got divorced, although I begged them to.
[first lines]
[after the opening clips of Casablanca]
Allan: [voice-over] Who am I kidding? I'm not like that. I never was, I never will be... That's strictly the movies.
Bogart: I never saw a dame yet that didn't understand a good slap in the mouth or a slug from a .45.
Allan: Maybe you move in with me for a while. As long as we handle this in a mature way. As long as I'm mature about it, you're mature about it, Both of us are mature, we can achieve a certain maturation, that guarantees maturiosity
Linda: You're mature, Allen, and very wise
Allan: The key to wiseness is maturiositude.
Allan: You want a Fresca with a Darvon?
Linda: Unless you have apple juice.
Allan: Apple juice and Darvon is fantastic together!
Linda: Have you ever had Librium and tomato juice?
Allan: No, I haven't personally, but another neurotic tells me they're unbelievable.
Dick: Could I get a coke with nothing in it?
Allan: Yeah, I get that.
Linda: What is it, fear or anxiety?
Allan: Homosexual panic.
Linda: Would you like us to call a doctor?
Allan: No, no, I could use a 3 foot band-aid.

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