A group of good-hearted but incompetent misfits enter the police academy, but the instructors there are not going to put up with their pranks.

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney! Remember, that nobody screws with me.
Carey Mahoney: Well, maybe you'll meet the right girl and all that will change.
Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: Drop that stereo before I blow your goddamn nuts off, asshole.
Moses Hightower: I was a florist.
Carey Mahoney: A florist?
Moses Hightower: Yeah, you know, flowers and shit.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [having had his head recently removed from a horse's behind] You told, no one?
Carey Mahoney: Not a soul.
[Harris passes in front of the line of cadets, and is annoyed to see that they are all straining not to laugh at him. He becomes even more annoyed when he notices that Sgt. Callahan is also on the verge of bursting out laughing. When he passes near Jones, Jones makes sound of horse neigh, as if to make it clear that everyone heard about the embarrassing incident]
Cadet Leslie Barbara: [after Hightower has been thrown out of the Academy] Of all the guys who I thought were gonna make it, Hightower was the one. I mean, if all the cops looked like him there'd be no crime at all.
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: What's wrong with this man?
Cadet Leslie Barbara: There was gunplay, sir, and he missed it.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Son, where did you get that gun?
Cadet Eugene Tackleberry: [smiling proudly] My mum gave it to me.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: My name is Lieutenant Harris! In case you missed it. This is Sergeant Callahan! In case you missed it. We are the meanest instructors here. We've got you because you are the worst people here. You are "D" Squad; "D" for "dirtbags." When I say: "Hey, dirtbags!" that means you. You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives. I am going to make you sorry that you ever came here.
George Martin: To me, marriage is a sacred institution. So tell me, you and the wife do it doggie-style, or what?
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [On their way to a riot zone] We are being sent to a safe area away from the disturbance. Our job will be to divert traffic away from the trouble zone, and to protect public property. You will have live ammunition, but there will be no call to use it - TACKLEBERRY! Do you understand, numbnuts?
Cadet Laverne Hooks: [a thug, after being knocked down some stairs, realizes he's still got a gun in his waist. He reaches for it, and a revolver is pointed in his face] *Don't move, dirtbag!*
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You make me sick.
Carey Mahoney: Thank you, sir. I make everybody sick.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then, Mahoney, my little pissant... you are out of the Academy forever. Get your stuff, and get out. Too bad, so sad, bye-bye.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [Mahoney and Blankes are in Lt.Harris' office due to Barbara throwing the first punch at Copeland via lunch tray. Harris is cleaning his stick] Who threw the first punch? That's all I want to know.
Cadet Kyle Blankes: [before Mahoney can answer] Barbara did.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Barbara?
Cadet Kyle Blankes: That's right.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then he's out of here. Him and his queer dog.
Carey Mahoney: Thompson, Why you do want to be a cop?
Cadet Karen Thompson: I like to dress as a man
Carey Mahoney: Me too
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Hey! Why didn't you guys call me this weekend?
Cadet Kyle Blankes: Well, nothing really happened, sir.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: There was a party, wasn't there?
Cadet Kyle Blankes: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Well, what went on?
Cadet Chad Copeland: Dancing, sir. Mostly dancing.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [to himself] Dancing?
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: [Presenting a slide show just as a hooker begins to give him a blow job] Now this first SLIIIDE... shows a very, very interesting thing: our main building. On slide... TWO! We see other view... of... IT! Oh, my God, you wouldn't believe it!
Cadet Chad Copeland: Boy, there sure are a lot of spades around here.
[sees Hightower standing next to him]
Cadet Chad Copeland: [in a choked voice] Which I think is good. Very good for the Academy.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Well, well, well... I told you not to try me, boy. Stand up.
[Mahoney stands up]
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Now, I want you two squad leaders to take Mr. Mahoney here, and run him until he throws up.
Cadet Kyle Blankes, Cadet Chad Copeland: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Then, just after he throws up... run him some more.
Cadet Kyle Blankes, Cadet Chad Copeland: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You are going to learn, Mahoney, that nobody - *nobody* - screws with me.
Cadet Kyle Blankes: [Blankes smears potato salad on Mahoney's shirt] Your move... Ma-homo.
Mrs. Fackler: You move this car another inch and you're finished, mister. You hear me?
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: You know, Mahoney, I'd like to spend the next ten weeks breaking you into little pieces. But I won't. Because you're bad. You're bad for morale, Mahoney. Oh, you look like the sweet little boy from next door. But you don't fool me, oh no. You're the devil, and you're rotten to the core, and you're ruining my chance to train some people who might make pretty good cops!
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Now, I thought it would be nice if we were to close out our first afternoon together with a nice little stroll around the campus.
[shouts]
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Move out, maggots!
Carey Mahoney: [Hightower smashes into the bumper of another car] You didn't hit the brakes.
Moses Hightower: You didn't tell me to.
[Mahoney and Thompson, both in full dress uniform, are kissing passionately before the graduation ceremony]
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: You men stop that!
[Thompson turns around, removes her cap and smiles, showing her face and long hair to Lassard]
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Oh... OHHH! Well. That's more like it, Mahoney. Good man. Keep up the good work!
Carey Mahoney: Yes, sir!
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [In the TV Version edited with no swearing] What is it? What is it?
Cadet Chad Copeland: She ran over my feet!
Cadet Laverne Hooks: Oh, I'm sorry. I really am.
Cadet Chad Copeland: Sorry? You dumb, fat nincompoop!
Chief Hurnst: [Lamenting the newly relaxed admission requirements for the Academy] They all used to be the right color, the right height, the right weight. And they all had Johnsons, Lassard!
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Johnsons?
Chief Hurnst: You know...
[motions to his groin]
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Oh, yes.
Chief Hurnst: There were Johnsons as far as the eye can see.
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Yes. And what a lovely sight it was.
Carey Mahoney: Sleeping is for fags.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: What the hell are you doing here?
Cadet Laverne Hooks: I wanna be a police officer.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: What? I can't hear you-u?
Cadet Laverne Hooks: [whispering] I wanna be a police officer.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: Don't unpack.
Carey Mahoney: Sir. Look, sir, new pants.
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: [notices that Mahoney is holding the megaphone] What are you doing with that? Give me that.
[Harris grabs his megaphone from Mahoney and uses it, without noticing that Mahoney applied brown shoe polish on it]
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: All right, you scumballs. You have a 30 minutes to hit the showers and get to class. Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up, assholes!
[Harris then turns to Cmdt. Lassard, with shoe polish from his megaphone all around his lips, looking like a goatee]
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris: So far, nobody's quit, but they will.
[Cmdt. Lassard laughs at Harris. Harris, thinking that perhaps he said something funny, joins his laughter]

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