A tough Russian policeman is forced to partner up with a cocky Chicago police detective when he is sent to Chicago to apprehend a Georgian drug lord who killed his partner and fled the country.

Commander Lou Donnelly CPD: Since I figure cops are cops the world over, how do you Soviets deal with all the tension and stress?
Ivan Danko: Vodka.
Art Ridzik: Captain Danko, congratulations. You are now the proud owner of the most powerful handgun in the world.
Ivan Danko: Soviet Patparine, nine-point-two milimeter, is world's most powerful handgun.
Art Ridzik: Oh, come on, everybody knows the .44 Magnum is the big boy on the block. Why do you think Dirty Harry uses it?
Ivan Danko: Who is Dirty Harry?
Hooligan: Hey, asshole! You can't park here, this is my spot! I live right up there. So move your piece-of-shit car or give me fifty bucks.
Ivan Danko: I do not understand.
Hooligan: Let me make it real simple, moron. You move your ass or give me fifty, or I take my Pete Rose here and fucking mutilate your car.
Ivan Danko: Do you know Miranda?
Hooligan: Never heard of the bitch.
[Danko punches him unconscious]
Ivan Danko: [in Russian] Hooligani.
[Ridzik comes back]
Art Ridzik: Everything okay?
Ivan Danko: Yes, fine. No problems.
Art Ridzik: What about that sack of shit lying on the sidewalk?
Ivan Danko: He lives here.
Art Ridzik: About this pile-of-shit pimp in here. In this country, we try to protect the rights of individuals. It's called the Miranda Act, and it says that you can't even touch his ass.
Ivan Danko: I do not want to touch his ass. I want to make him talk!
[Watching a porno scene on the TV]
Ivan Danko: Capitalism!
Abdul Elijah: Revolutionary political leaders like myself are incarcerated to keep us quiet.
Ivan Danko: What is your political crime?
Abdul Elijah: I robbed a bank.
Ivan Danko: I have car under control.
Art Ridzik: Yeah, I'm sure they taught you all about cars and the price of insurance at your famous Russian school in Kiev!
Ivan Danko: In socialist countries, insurance not necessary. State pays for everything.
Art Ridzik: Yeah? Well, tell me something, Captain. If you've got such a fucking paradise over there, how come you're up the same creek as we are with heroin and cocaine?
Ivan Danko: Chinese find way. Right after revolution, they round up all drug dealers, all drug addicts, take them to public square, and shoot them in back of head.
Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd never work here. Fucking politicians wouldn't go for it.
Ivan Danko: Shoot them first.
Cat Manzetti: Fuck you.
Art Ridzik: No, I think I have a headache and good taste.
[Danko's watch alarm goes off]
Art Ridzik: What's that?
Ivan Danko: My watch. It's on Moscow time.
Art Ridzik: Time to pick up Pokey?
Ivan Danko: Time to feed parakeet.
Art Ridzik: What's that, Russian for "jerking off"?
Art Ridzik: You were talking to that jazzball so long I thought about having my head shaved.
Ivan Danko: It could be a good idea.
[Danko changes his militia uniform for a suit]
Art Ridzik: What, you retire your uniform?
Ivan Danko: I now work undercover.
Art Ridzik: Undercover? You look like Gumby.
[to a waitress about to freshen his coffee]
Art Ridzik: Look, lady. I just got my coffee the perfect color. It's the only thing I've got going for me tonight.
Commander Lou Donnelly CPD: Your gun Danko, now! Don't fuck with me!
Art Ritzik: Freeze motherfucker!
Ivan Danko: Tea, please.
Art Ridzik: In a glass, with lemon, right?
Ivan Danko: [surprised] Yes.
Art Ridzik: Yeah. I saw Dr. Zhivago.
Viktor Rostavili: We both have our codes, Vanya. Yours, one of the State. Mine, one of thieves.
Ivan Danko: I do not understand this sport.
Art Ridzik: You're not supposed to, it's completely American.
Ivan Danko: We play baseball now in Soviet Union.
Art Ridzik: Are you kidding me? This is our national pastime!
Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd be a hell of a world series though, wouldn't it?
Ivan Danko: We will win.
Ivan Danko: [speaking in Russian] Let's go. All of you
Viktor Rostavili: [speaking in Russian] Why do you always pick on us Georgians? We are just simple people. Maybe that is why we are such easy prey.
Vagran Rostavili: [speaking in Russian] What's this country coming to?! This is like the old days! We are not guilty of anything!
Sacha: [speaking in Russian] Where is your evidence?
Ivan Danko: [grabs Sacha and throws him to the ground, then grabs Sacha's prosthetic leg and pulls it, turns it over and a white powder comes out and speaking in Russian] Cocaine.
Cat Manzetti: You leave your guns with those guys over there.
Art Ridzik: No way. A Chicago cop never relinquishes his weapon.
[the gang all point their guns at him]
Art Ridzik: Here you go.
Art Ritzik: Yeah, and about the chess game, you were right, I was dead in two.
Ivan Danko: [with scorn and moving away] It was obvious.
Ivan Danko: [commenting on Chicago, USA] Very strange city. The crime is organized; the police is not.
Art Ritzik: I'm gonna get us something from all four food groups: hamburgers, french fries, coffee and doughnuts.
Viktor Rostavili: I thought you might be more reasonable. Money has a way of doing that to a man. But no, I don't think so. Not with you. You are one of those types of Soviets who only looks forward to death. I know you well, Vanya. Without me, you don't even exist.
Abdul Elijah: You want to know what my crime is? My crime was being born. I'm thirty-eight years old, and I've been locked up twenty-six of those. I educated myself in here, and I've come to understand that this country was built on exploiting the black man. Of course, I don't hear anything about brothers in your country. But your country exploits its own people just the same, so I guess that makes me the only Marxist around here, right, comrade? You see, boy, this ain't just no drug deal! This is politics, baby, this is economics, this is spiritual! I plan to sell drugs to every white man in the world... and his sister!
Ivan Danko: [in Russian] What's this key for?
Viktor Rostavili: [in Russian] Kiss my ass.
Ivan Danko: [to Ridzik, in English] You know what this key open?
Art Ridzik: Looks like a key to a locker to me. Why don't you ask your bud?
Ivan Danko: [hauls Viktor around to face Ridzik] You try.
Art Ridzik: Where-is-the-lock-er-that-this-key-opens?
Viktor Rostavili: [mutters something in Russian]
Art Ridzik: What did he say?
Ivan Danko: He say, "Go and kiss your mother's behind."
[Gallagher laughs. Ridzik stares at Viktor for a moment, then lunges at him]
Art Ridzik: Oh, great. We got a pro basketball team coming toward us - with guns!
[Ridzik and Danko go to speak with Abdul Elijah in prison]
Art Ridzik: Hey, you, come here. This is Captain Danko. He's come all the way from Russia to speak with your scoutmaster.
Prison Cleanhead: Well, that's nice, but who the fuck are you?
Ivan Danko: These men have no respect of our authority as police officers.
Art Ridzik: No shit.
Art Ridzik: I'm gonna bust that bitch so hard she bounces.
[after torturing a witness into talking]
Ivan Danko: Soviet method is more economical.
Viktor Rostavili: The people have many needs. One is law and order. Other? Entertainment.
Art Ridzik: I give up. This whole thing's very Russian.
Art Ridzik: You know this game? It's called chicken, except you're not supposed to play it with buses.
Viktor Rostavili: Any country that can survive Stalin can certainly handle a little dope.

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