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Four teens are tricked by their professor into visiting a haunted house for a school project.
Father McFeely: How is she? Mrs. Voorhees: It's gotten worse Father. She won't eat. She won't talk. The child won't let me touch her. Father McFeely: Yes, sometimes you have to give them candy.
Dwight Hartman: Okay, thanks, "Handyman". Hanson: I'm actually the caretaker. Oh, aren't those cool new skates? Now you be careful with those, you don't want to fall and break something. Dwight Hartman: Oh, that's funny, that's real funny. Um, let me give you a "hand." [starts clapping] Hanson: Why, that's awful kind of you. Why don't you give me a "standing ovation?" Dwight Hartman: Why don't you "lift me up?" Hanson: Ha, ok, I see where you're going with this one. You look familiar to me. Were you in "STOMP"? Dwight Hartman: Hey you can kiss my grits! Hanson: I think I'll be the bigger man, now, and walk away. "Walk" away.
[as Megan's head spins around] Father McFeely: [turns to leave] Fuck this!
Ray Wilkins: Let's do something freaky... Brenda Meeks: Like what, Ray? Ray Wilkins: I don't know... why don't you talk dirty to me? Brenda Meeks: I don't know what to say, Ray. Ray Wilkins: C'mon, just make something up. Brenda Meeks: Oh Ray, why do you make me so bad? Ray Wilkins: C'mon, 'cause you a bad girl. Brenda Meeks: Okay... I'ma work this. I'ma make this mine! Ray Wilkins: Yeah, work it. Ooh, it's all yours. Brenda Meeks: I'ma piss on your face... and I'ma fart in your mouth, [shouting] Brenda Meeks: I'ma shit on these walls, Ray! [Ray looks disgusted] Brenda Meeks: ...too dirty?
Dwight Hartman: Let's split up. Brenda Meeks: Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh UH! Now wait a minute, hold up! How come when anytime this scary shit happens, and we should stick together, you white people always say "let's split up"? Theo: She's right, we should stick together. Dwight Hartman: She's right. Okay. [pointing to the white people in the group] Dwight Hartman: You three, follow me! [the three black people are left alone] Shorty Meeks: Ain't that a bitch. [the three of them begin to cry] Brenda Meeks: We gonna die, y'all.
Cindy Campbell: Brenda! The monster is gonna kill us! Brenda Meeks: IT WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN YOU IF YOU HAD JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Father McFeely: Let's pray. Father Harris: Our father... Megan Voorhees: Hahahhaahaha! Father Harris: Shhhh... Stop it! Megan Voorhees: Your mother sucks cocks in hell! Father Harris: Oh shit... Father McFeely: [Pulls out a gun] Suck on this. Megan Voorhees: Oh-oh. [He shoots her]
[while exorcising Megan] Father Harris: Holy Lord, Almighty Father, everlasting God and Father of our lord Jesus Christ, and the virgin Mary's baby daddy, holy Lord, Almighty Father, everlasting God, who once concerned that fallen tyrant to the flames of hell, who sent your only son in the world to crush that roaring tiger, and who got that unholy bitch Jerri kicked off of Survivor!
Hanson: [laughs] My germs.
Ray Wilkins: [doing push-ups] 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... Brandon. 10... 9... Brandon. 10... 11... Brandon. Come on, count with me. Clown Voice: [whispering] Hey, you. Come here. Heheheheh... [Ray looks under the bed] Clown Voice: Gotcha! [the Clown doll pulls Ray in] Clown Voice: Come on! Let's play! [there is a struggle and then a pause] Clown Voice: Hey, what are you doing? Ray Wilkins: [voice] Uncle Ray's got a game for you! Clown Voice: Hey, get your finger out of there! Ray Wilkins: Tickle, Tickle. Tickle. [the Clown tries to run] Ray Wilkins: You're running from Uncle Ray! Here's a balloon animal. Dada... dada... dada. Clown Voice: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Brenda Meeks: Cindy, this is a skeleton, this is bones! Would you run from Callista Flockheart?
Ghost Voice: Cindy! I want you to know to what happened to me... Look in the music room! Check the music room! Cindy Campbell: Where are you? Ghost Voice: Check the fucking music room!
Exorcist Party Go-ers: [singing] Shake ya ass! Watch ya step! Shake ya ass! Show me what you working with! Mrs. Voorhees: [singing] Attention, all you young players and pimps. Right now is the place to be. Father Harris: [singing] I thought I told y'all niggas before, y'all niggas don't fuck with me.
Dwight Hartman: Heh-hey! Hey there little guy, how are you doing? Little Bird: Fuck off, four eyes. Dwight Hartman: H... h... I beg your pardon? Little Bird: I said: "Fuck off... four eyes" Dwight Hartman: You know, I oughta kick your ass! Shorty Meeks: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Relax, son, it's just a bird. Hi little birdy... Polly want a cracker? Little Bird: Polly want your momma's sweet ass. Shorty Meeks: ...what did Polly say to me? Little Bird: I said: "Polly wants your momma's... sweet ass". Shorty Meeks: You don't be talking 'bout my momma son, you don't know my momma son! Little Bird: Yeah, I know your momma, I fucked her last night. Shorty Meeks: You want beef? I'll fuck you up! Little Bird: Ooooh! I'm shaking, I'm shaking. Shorty Meeks: Aw no fuck this, I'm handling this shit like a gentleman, ya'll. Hold my tooth son. Little Bird: Yeah come on bitch, you and that Kotter's hairstyle wanna piece of me? Come on, bring it on! Shorty Meeks: What you hardcore? Gimme somethin'! Little Bird: Lemme outta here, come on pussy. Lemme outta here, I'll fuck you up!
Cindy Campbell: Moo motherfucker, moo!
Cindy Campbell: You know, you really are my best friend, Cindy. Cindy Campbell: Thanks, Brenda. Buddy: Hey are you guys okay? Brenda Meeks: Hell, yeah. It's gonna take more than a bag of bones to scare me. Hell House Ghost: Wedgie! Cindy Campbell: Oh my God! Brenda, do something! Brenda Meeks: Okay! Hell House Ghost: [Brenda runs away] Cindy Campbell: I thought I was your best friend? Brenda Meeks: Was. I'ma miss you, girl!
Buddy: Are you okay, Dwight? Dwight Hartman: I can't... I can't feel my legs... [pause] Dwight Hartman: Aaahahaha! I can't feel my legs! Ray Wilkins: You never could. Dwight Hartman: Hey... you stay out of this, all right?
Hanson: Ah, it's Cindy. Say "Helloo" to Cindy, Shorty. Shorty Meeks: Helloo... Cindy. [Cindy looks at the bottles on the table] Cindy Campbell: Oh, God. Morphine, chloroform, horse tranquilizers! You drugged him! Hanson: I did not! That's all his stuff!
Alex: Why won't you talk to me? Hell House Ghost: Because you gave me crabs!
Cindy Campbell: [Sees the parrot] Hi little guy, look at you! Little Bird: Little? I'm not little, I'm hung like a bull lady! Check it out, you ever seen a bird get this big? Too much for ya, huh baby? Cindy Campbell: Yeah... Little Bird: Alright well step off then sweet cheeks! Come back when you want some real love! Cindy Campbell: K... [Walks away] Little Bird: Fuckin tease.
Shorty Meeks: Woooooh! Cindy Campbell: Oh, Shorty! Shorty Meeks: Cindy! Cindy Campbell: There's a monster chasing me, what are we gonna do? Shorty Meeks: Eeeh, eeh... I got it! [Shoves Cindy out of the room and locks the door]
Ray Wilkins: What do you think, tucked in, or out? [reveals he's talking about his penis, which is tucked between his legs] Buddy, Tommy: OH! OUT!
Father McFeely: [On the toilet] Lord, help me release this demon! [farts] Father McFeely: [relieved] Oh, thank you, Lord. Oh... wait. Father McFeely: [farts again] Ahhh, ha-ha! Oh, those enchiladas!
Hanson: [while reaching out to Dwight who is hanging from the third floor window] Here! Take my hand! Dwight Hartman: NO! GET IT AWAY FROM ME! Give me your OTHER hand!
Cindy Campbell: [while fighting the possessed cat] Help! My pussy's gone crazy!
Father McFeely: Hi, I'm Father McFeely. Mrs. Voorhees: I'm so glad you're here. Father McFeely: I came as fast as I could. But you know at my age the little soldier needs a lot more thumpin' before it starts pumpin'. I do find though, that if I tickle my asshole just before I unleash the dog of war...
Cindy Campbell: [singing terribly along with the radio to Vitamin C and swerving all over the road] As we go on! We remember! All the time we! Spent To-geee-therrr! And as the time goes... [suddenly the music comes to an abrupt stop] Colleen Fitzpatrick: [voice] Hey! Will you shut the fuck up and let me sing?
Hanson: All right, who's ready for a wing? Dwight Hartman: Yours or the turkeys?
[backing into the room Cindy has just walked into] Hanson: Ahh, watch, my fanny's coming through... watch it, make room for fanny...
Shorty Meeks: Yeah. Shorty Meeks: [Rips out a page from his history book] Shorty Meeks: Free papers. Shorty Meeks: [laughs loudly and irritatingly and rolls a joint with the page]
Buddy: I heard Dwight tell the professor that there could be a poltergeist in the house and that we could all be in danger! Shorty Meeks: Aww, naaaaw son! NOT A POLTERGEIST! What's a poltergeist?
Cindy Campbell: [after she punched Buddy] You gotta be quicker than that, pencil dick.
Little Bird: [to the dead Alex] You are the weakest link! Goodbye.
Shorty Meeks: Toke! Toke! Take it to the head! Take it to the head!
Shorty Meeks: No. I need a place to stay. Momma Dukes kicked me out.
Alex: Why won't you talk to me? Hell House Ghost: Because you gave me crabs.
Dwight Hartman: How about I take these two legs... and shove them right up your ass - all the way to the knee.
Dwight Hartman: I know what you thinking. That I fire three shots or a hundred and seventeen? Well, do you feel lucky, [pause] Dwight Hartman: punk? Do you [pause] Dwight Hartman: feel lucky? [says faster] Dwight Hartman: Do you feel lucky, punk? Hell House Ghost: Shoot me, motherfucker.
Alex: [while having sex on the ceiling] Bring it on! Kinky's my middle name, bitch!
Cindy Campbell: We're all gonna die! Little Bird: Oh no, the rocket scientist! You're fucked!
Buddy: Hey, Cind. Cindy Campbell: Hey, Buddy. Buddy: [punches her in the boob] Open chest! Oh, come on. You gotta be quicker than that A cup. [Cindy crawls up] Theo: Hey, guys. [all the guys say hello and look at her sexually] Theo: Well, are you boys gonna sit there with your mouths open or is someone gonna offer me a seat? [everyone pushes their chairs towards her] Dwight Hartman: [Dwight pushes wheelchair towards her and sits on Ray's leg] I warmed it up for you. It's the best seat in the house. Ray Wilkins: Second best. [Ray touches Dwight's hair]
Shorty Meeks: [while being rolled up like a joint by a weed tree] I'll NEVER smoke you again.
Shorty Meeks: Aww, we dealing wit a poltergeist!
Professor: Whoa whoa whoa WHOA Dwight.
Ray Wilkins: Uncle Ray Ray's got a game!
[deleted scene] Alex: God is good. God is great. But not all the time, sometimes he could be a real asshole. Praying for 24 years, not one goddamn message on my answering machine. If you're listening and I know you're up there, thanks for all this food, since it's the least you could do. Amen. Let's eat.
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