Three friends discover their new flatmate dead but loaded with cash.

Alex Law: [to the Goth girl] When you get up in the morning, how do you decide what shade of black to wear?
David Stephens: I am not ashamed. I have known love. I have known rejection. I am not ashamed to declare my feelings; take trust for instance, or friendship. These are the important things in life. These are the things that matter, that help you on your way. If you can't trust your friends, well, what then... What then?... Oh, yes. I believe in friends. I believe we need them. But if one day you can't trust them any more, well, what then... What then?
David Stephens: Normally I don't usually meet people, unless I already know them.
David Stephens: Victory is the same as defeat. It's giving in to destructive competitive urges.
Alex Law: And if you see I'm dying up there you'll call the police and tell them everything, right?
Juliet Miller: Everything.
Alex Law: Except that maybe it was his idea in the first place. Now that's important to me. I need to die misunderstood.
David Stephens: I've never seen a dead body before. I saw my grandmother of course, but I don't think that counts. I mean, she was alive at the time.
Alex Law: So tell me, Cameron, just tell me because I'd like to know, what on earth could make you think that we would want to share a flat like this with someone like you? I mean, my first impression, and they're rarely wrong, is that you have none of the qualities that we normally seek in a prospective flatmate. I'm talking here about things like presence, charisma, style and charm, and I don't think we're asking too much, I don't think we're being unreasonable. Take David here, for instance: a chartered accountant he may be, but at least he tries hard. The point is I don't think you're trying.
Master of Ceremonies: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. First of all may I thank you all for coming along tonight and supporting our appeal to raise funds for the sick children's unit.
Alex Law: You didn't tell me that this was for children. I hate children. I'd raise money to have the little fuckers put down. I want me money back!
David Stephens: And how would you react, then, if I told you I was the Antichrist?
Nation MacKinley: This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.
Juliet Miller: You're frightened.
Alex Law: I'm not frightened. I'm a little terrified, maybe.
[Juliet, Alex and David are about to dispose of Hugo's body by rendering it unidentifiable]
Juliet Miller: I can't do it.
Alex Law: But Juliet, you're a doctor. You kill people every day.
Alex Law: Look over there! It's Cameron!
Juliet Miller: Who?
Alex Law: Cameron. You remember Cameron.
Juliet Miller: No, I don't.
Alex Law: What's he doing here?
Juliet Miller: That's not him.
Alex Law: It is. Cameron! Cameron! Come on over here! Come on!
Cameron: What?
Alex Law: Nothing. We thought you were someone else. Good luck. (Cameron leaves.) I love that guy, but why does he have to follow us around?
Alex Law: God, you two are sensitive! All I'm doing is implying some kind of ugly sordid sexual liaison. I'd be proud of that sort of thing.
Detective-Inspector McCall: Only three people here? You're sure?
David Stephens: Yes, absolutely. Who said there were four?
Detective-Inspector McCall: Make a note of that, Mitchell. Only three, rather than four. Write it down. You can use numbers or words. I have no preference. Which are you using?
Detective-Constable Mitchell: Both, sir.
Detective-Inspector McCall: Excellent.
Detective-Inspector McCall: And the other three people living in the flat?
David Stephens: There are only two other people living in the flat.
Alex Law: [to Hugo] Hey Hugo, can you open your door?
[Alex is watching TV]
Juliet Miller: Have you seen Hugo?
Alex Law: No. Any idea which channel he's on?
David Stephens: Well, Brian McKinley, if you want to talk to my girlfriend you talk to me first. If you want to dance with her, then you apply in writing three weeks in advance or you're going to end up inside a fucking bin-bag. You didn't apply so you don't dance.
Juliet Miller: Do you think you could try to be a little more forceful next time?
Alex Law: When was the last time you heard these exact words: "You are the sunshine of my life"?
Hugo: So I can have the room?
Juliet Miller: Yes, you can have the room.
Alex Law: To love and to happiness forever.
David Stephens: I can't do it.
David Stephens: You paid 500 pounds for this?
Juliet Miller: That's what it cost, David.
David Stephens: No, no, that's what you paid for it. 500 pounds is what you paid for it. We don't know how much it cost us yet. For you two to have a good time, we don't know the cost of that yet.
Alex Law: I'm so happy I could DIE!
[Alex is complaining about hiding the money in the attic]
Alex Law: I don't know why we couldn't just stuff it in a mattress, or under the floorboards like any other human being!
Juliet Miller: Stop nagging, Alex.
Alex Law: We coulda hid it in the fridge.
Juliet Miller: We're going to dance?
Alex Law: Well, it's physical contact, isn't it?
Juliet Miller: Why do you want a room here?
David Stephens: Do you smoke?
Detective-Inspector McCall: In your work you must meet lots of different people every day. New people, new faces, no?
Juliet Miller: Yes.
Detective-Inspector McCall: What do you recognize most, names or faces?
Juliet Miller: Diseases.
Detective-Inspector McCall: Like recognizing criminals by their crimes.
Juliet Miller: [to Hugo] You must be Hugo.
Juliet Miller: Alex, what are you doing?
Alex Law: I'm just looking.
Juliet Miller: Don't.
Alex Law: Don't look?
Juliet Miller: No.
Alex Law: Cameron, what a surprise!
Alex Law: Are you comfortable Cameron?
Cameron: Yes, thanks.
Alex Law: They went up there alive and came back down dead! Did you notice that? The difference, I mean: alive, dead, dead, alive, that sort of thing? It wasn't difficult to spot. He killed them both.
David Stephens: They know.
Alex Law: So they know.
Juliet Miller: He's right Alex, they know.
Lumsden: Chartered accounting. It's often sneered at. Were you aware of that?
David Stephens: Not any real sneering as such, no.
Lumsden: There's a whole wide world out there, and it all needs to be accounted for, does it not?
David Stephens: Well, I...
Lumsden: But they sneer, do they not?
David Stephens: I'm not sure.
Lumsden: Oh, it's unfashionable, I know, but yes, we're methodical, yes, we're diligent, yes, we're serious, and where's the crime in that? Why not shout it from the rooftops? Yes, maybe sometimes we're a wee bit boring, but by God we get the job done.
David Stephens: Yes, sir.
Lumsden: And that's why I think you fit in here.
David Stephens: I'm boring?
Lumsden: You get the job done.
David Stephens: Oh, I see. I thought you meant...
[During the interviews for flat mates]
Juliet Miller: So this affair you're not having - is it not with a man, or not with a woman?
David Stephens: It's a sick idea Alex. It's sick.
Alex Law: Go ahead then, telephone. Telephone the police. Tell them it's a suitcase full of money and you don't want it.
Alex Law: I'd like to ask you about your hobbies... Now when you sacrifice a goat and you rip its heart out with your bare hands, do you then summon hellfire? Or do you just send out for a pizza?
Juliet Miller: It's about me and David.
Alex Law: Oh, the perfect couple, I should say.
Juliet Miller: You mustn't take it so badly.
Alex Law: Oh, don't worry. I'd do exactly the same thing, only I don't think I'm his type.
David Stephens: Are you looking for me?
Alex Law: Good, let's talk about disposal. Now we have to make that body unidentifiable and burning, dumping at sea and straight forward burial are all flawed, either by fingerprints or more commonly by dental records, this I have learned. Now what I suggest is we bury him out in the forest, but first or all we remove his hands and his feet, which we incinerate, and his teeth... which we just remove. It's as simple as that. David -
[sticks tool at Davids neck, laughs]
Alex Law: . I've always wondered what these were for. Now... oh...
[picks up saw]
Alex Law: This is what we need. And, em...
[picks up hammer]
Alex Law: this. Now, what else?
David Stephens: I don't know.
Alex Law: A spade, we need a spade - David, I wish you'd concentrate, we need a spade if we're gonna dig a pit.
David Stephens: So who's gonna do it?
Alex Law: Dig the pit? I don't know...
David Stephens: No, not that.
Alex Law: The what? Who's gonna do what?
David Stephens: You know what I'm talking about - who's gonna do it?
Alex Law: Do I? What? What are you talking about?
David Stephens: You know what. Who's gonna do it?
Alex Law: We all are David. We are all gonna do it. Each of us, you, me and Juliet will do his or her bit, okay? Fair enough?
David Stephens: I can't do it.
Alex Law: I don't hear this...
David Stephens: I won't be able to do it.
Alex Law: Are you telling me you want out already? Are you telling me you don't want the money? Hugo is going off, he smells-
[David hushes him]
Alex Law: The flat smells. We can't wait any longer.
David Stephens: I'm just telling you I won't be able to cut him up.
Alex Law: Family? Family? Friends? Drugged-up wandering suicidal search of the self fuck-ups don't have families.
Alex Law: It's not every day I find a story in my own flat.
Juliet Miller: It's not a story, Alex. It's a corpse.
Alex Law: It's been a struggle but now our days of worry are over.
Alex Law: [reading Juliet's mail] He even signs them, in his own name can you believe it? I'd sign someone else's name... I'd sign his name!... If I wrote them that is, which I don't.

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