When her brother decides to ditch for a couple weeks in London, Viola heads over to his elite boarding school, disguises herself as him, and proceeds to fall for one of her soccer teammates. Little does she realize she's not the only one with romantic troubles, as she, as he, gets in the middle of a series of intermingled love affairs.

[after getting hit in the crotch with a soccer ball by Toby]
Viola: [as Sebastian] Oh. Right. OWW! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! IT BURNS!
Andrew: Well hey there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What... what are you hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just...
Monique: [mimicking] "I was just... nyuh". OK, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours
Viola: Speaking as a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter...
Viola: ...and when I close my eyes, I see you for who you truly are, which is UUUG-LAY.
Duke: It's just like what Coach says before every game: Be not afraid of greatness, some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. I think our best chance to be great here today, is to have you play.
Viola: So, what brings you here?
Duke: Well, a few days ago I kissed this girl at a kissing booth. And now, I just can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Viola: Neither can she.
Duke: Plus, I miss my roommate. I really liked him.
Viola: Well, he's right in here.
[pointing to her heart]
Viola: Listen, I know I should have told you who I was, but I was afraid. I'm sorry.
Duke: Well, you know maybe if I had known you were a girl, we wouldn't have talked like we did, and got to know each other the same way. And that would've been a shame.
Viola: Just so you know, everything you told me when I was a guy, just made me like you so much more as a girl.
Duke: Ok, but just from here on in, everything would just be alot easier if you stayed a girl.
Malcolm: I am convinced he's hiding something.
Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to runaway.
Principal Gold: Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I...
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy...
Toby: How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school.
Viola: Okay, who's your daddy?
Duke: Huh?
Viola: I got her to consider you! You're half way in man!
Duke: Um, uh, ok, so, should I ask her out?
Viola: No. You don't want to freak her out, you've got to have a casual conversation first, hello?
Viola: [after Duke looks away in frustration] Why do I get the feeling you don't do this very often?
Duke: Man, I just, I'm not really good at talking to girls.
Viola: Why? You're hot!
Duke: What?
Viola: [clears throat] Ya know, you're an appealing guy- man- guy- guy man.
Duke: Look, I don't know, I just always say the wrong- I just always say the wrong thing.
Viola: OK. Alright, come on, get up. I wanna trying something where I'm gonna act like a girl and you're gonna talk to me, ok?
Duke: Ew. Do, do I have to?
Viola: Yes. Cause, "I'm Viola. Duke, nice to meet you."
Duke: OK, that was creepy. You really just sounded like a girl just then.
Viola: I used to imitate my sister all the time. I got really good at it. Come on, get up. Ask me some questions and if the chemistry's right, things will just start flowin'.
Duke: Questions about what?
Viola: Anything. Ask me if I like... cheese.
Duke: [laughing] Um, ok. Do you... like... cheese?
Viola: [Girl's voice] Why yes I do. My favourite's gouda.
Duke: I like gouda too?
Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: Okay.
[pulls down his soccer shorts, everyone sees his privates]
Roger: [His Dad in the audience] That's my boy.
Eunice: Soccer is the world's favorite sport.
Viola: What does your heart tell you?
Duke: What?
Viola: I mean... which one would you rather see NAKED?
Duke: [Using one of Viola's tampons after getting into a fight with Justin at the carnival] Oh, yeah, I uh, borrowed one of your... yeah... and you're right, they really do work.
Viola: Oh my god you're hurt...
[clears throat]
Viola: I mean, suck it up, be a man and rub some dirt on it
Duke: Okay, I'll rub some dirt in it...
Justin: Could you be a girl for just 5 seconds
Viola: Ok... First of all it's not a stupid soccer issue and... you're a jerk. Oh look at that, times up.
[slaps him in the face]
Viola: [screaming with Duke, after seeing Malcom's spider] You kill it! Your the man! Er... The... Bigger... Man!
[Viola shows her bare boobs to prove she's a girl and earlier Sebastian showed his privates to prove he's a boy ]
Roger: Is it just me or this soccer game have more nudity than most?
Viola: What are you talking about? Why are you lying?
Justin: Viola! End of discussion.
Viola: FINE. End of relationship.
Justin: Baby, don't be like that. I just don't want to see you get hurt.
Viola: Aww. You are so full of...
Coach Pistonek: [whistle blows] Back to practice.
Toby: [talking about Eunice] She's got a little somethin' somethin'.
Andrew: Yeah... asthma and headgear.
Viola: I just can't do this.
Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. That came out wrong but you know what I mean.
Viola: [as Sebastian] Hey. HEY! What up? You must be my room-mates.
Duke: [laughs]
[Viola clears throat]
Duke: What-what's your name?
Viola: Sebastian Hastings.
Duke: Duke Orsino.
Viola: [grunts]
Duke: Um, ok, ok, ok, ok! Um, this is Andrew and Toby. They live next door.
Andrew: Yeah, freshman dorms thattaway, twiglet.
Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: I skipped a couple of grades. I'm brilliant, shh! Anyway, you know when our soccer try-outs start?
Duke: Noon. You play?
Viola: Absolutely. Centre-forward. You know it, bra. So, uh, you play the beautiful sport, bro? Brothers? Brethren?
Duke: Yeah, I'm a striker. Andrew and Toby are half-backs.
Viola: Schveet!
Duke: Ok, w-why do you have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Um, I get really bad nose bleeds?
Andrew: So you stick 'em up your nose?
Viola: Yeah! What, you've, you've never done that?
[Boys shake head]
Viola: Oh my! Beckhem does it all the time.
Duke: Serious?
Viola: Yes. Look, let me show you how to do it. Take that off and whatever that is, and, and you stick it right in. It absorbs right up!
Duke: That's disgusting!
Andrew: Oh my god! You're room-mates a freak!
Viola: [as Sebastian] I gotta be completely honest. The whole dissecting thing kinda freaks me out, so uh... I think you may have to take the reins on this one.
Olivia: Wow, most guys would have never admit that.
Viola: Oh crap! You're right.
Olivia: No, don't worry I think it's refreshing.
Viola: You do?
Malcolm: [interupts] No paper near the bunsen burner.
Viola: Wait!
Olivia: What's this? poems?
Viola: Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff.
Olivia: [reading] "Wake up I've been waiting for you".
Olivia: Those are really good. So honest.
Viola: I know. I keep telling him... me... meself... my... myself.
Malcolm: I write songs too, Olivia.
Olivia: Really? Wonderful.
Malcolm: Check it out.
Malcolm: I see you through your window, while I'm standing on a tree outside
Sebastian: [indicating Viola's false sideburns] Are those real?
Viola: Oh yeah, I'm growing sideburns now- NO!
Principal Gold: [referring to Sebastian] He's probably halfway to China by now, I mean, he showed his "willis and doodleberries"...
Sebastian: Present!
[sees Olivia switch kissing booth places with Viola]
Duke: Just my luck.
[sees look on Viola's face]
Duke: No, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean, she's... you know... Ok. Um, on the other hand you're also...
Viola: I am? Thanks, I, guess.
9 Year Old Boy: You don't have to flirt with her first, okay, genius? You're paying for it.
Duke: Haha, why don't you just - relax.
[to Viola]
Duke: Um, um, um- maybe I should kiss you now, I gave that girl my ticket and I waited in line.
Viola: Well, it's the least I can do.
Duke: Uh, ok - here I go. Um - uh...
[They kiss]
Duke: Ok, I think that was one ticket's worth.
Viola: Na-uh, you need a little bit more.
[she kisses him again]
Viola: No man... if you wanna kiss her... You go right ahead and you kiss her! I mean, knock your self out! You just take her... then kiss her. Then kiss the crap out of her!
Duke: Okay
Viola: I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower.
Malcolm: [startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself] Malcolm Festes, Dorm Director. Shower shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower... Did you not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby.
[Duke walks in and hits Malcolm behind the head with a towel. Malcolm emits a high-pitched squeal]
Viola: Sup dog?
Duke: Yeah, what's kickin', homie?
Viola: Later.
Duke: Hey, you forgot, ew...
[holding up Viola's chest bandage]
Duke: This, coolio.
Viola: Word, g-money.
Monique: Sebastian!
[Monique mistakes Viola for Sebastian]
Viola: Ow!
Monique: Eww... It's you. God you and your brother look scarily alike from the back. I think it's your total lack of curves.
Viola: Hey Monique, it's so good to see you too!
Monique: Hmm. I'm looking for Sebastian. Where is he?
Viola: I don't know.
Monique: Just remind your brother how lucky he is to be in my life. And tell him to give me a all if he wants to stay in it, okay?
Viola: Okay. Does he have your number? 1-800-BEE-OTCH?
[laughs to herself]
Monique: [mimicks Viola] Nyenyenyenyenyeh?
Viola: She will do great things.
Toby: I need your advice man. I got lady troubles.
Viola: I'm here for you bro. I got a lifetime of knowledge.
Coach Dinklage: [about to assign shirts and skins] OK, shirts and skins!
Viola: Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt.
Coach Dinklage: What?
Viola: I'm allergic to the sun.
Coach Dinklage: ...You're allergic to the sun?
Viola: Very, very, very deathly, deathly allergic.
Coach Dinklage: Well, we like to accomodate here in Illiria, so I'll follow you around with a parasol. Alright, Nancy boy?
[looks at his clipboard]
Coach Dinklage: You're a shirt.
Viola: I can do this. I am a dude. I am a hunky dude! I'm a badass hunky dude!
Cheryl: Viola, darling. Remember, chew like you have a secret...
Coach Dinklage: [after breaking up the fight on the soccer field] The rest of you! Get out there and play some real football... You bunch of girls!
Principal Gold: [trying to copy Coach Dinklage's authority and shout his speech through the megaphone] Alright the rest of you, get out there and play some real football like a bunch of girls!
Principal Gold: [interrupting the soccer game] I played soccer once... or was it chess?
Duke: I gotta go change my feet.
Olivia: [to Viola at kissing booth] Beware the old guy chewing gum... it's not gum.
Daphne: Were you just talking with your brother?
Viola: No. Yes. On the phone. He's at dad's. BYE DAD.
Duke: Why, why do you always talk about girls in such graphic terms?
Duke: I kinda got into it with your sister's ex.
Viola: Really. Why?
Duke: He kinda saw us making out at the kissing booth.
Viola: Wait... you kissed her?
Viola: [figure emerges from the fog] I didn't think you'd show up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something.
Groundskeeper: I gotta turn the sprinklers on.
Olivia: You're right.
Viola: I know.
Olivia: The next time I see Sebastian, I am gonna march right up to him...
Viola: You march.
Olivia: ...I'm gonna tell him how I feel...
Viola: You tell him.
Olivia: ...and then I'm going to kiss him so passionately...
Viola: What?
Olivia: ...that even the people he hates will feel pleasure.
Daphne: [after hearing about Viola breaking up with Justin] But why? He's so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don't you date him mom?
Daphne: [pauses to fantasize and giggles] oh no... I couldn't.
Viola: [Viola's mom shows her a dress] Echh. No. Sorry, Mom. I have a strict no-ruffles policy.
Daphne: Sometimes I just think you just might as well be your brother.
Viola: You know the percentage of bands that actually make it to the big time?
Sebastian: Probably the same as female soccer players...
Viola: Quit blushing! That's lame.
Duke: Shut up, I'm not blushing.
Viola: [as Sebastian] Eunice!
[clears throat]
Viola: Uh, Eunice! Why didn't you wake me?
Eunice: You looked so serene. I made breakfast, darling.
Duke: [after being left with Eunice in Cesario's] So, uh, do you... like cheese?
Eunice: More than almost any other animal by-product.
Coach Dinklage: [shouted] Break it up. Break it up. Okay, tough guys. You want to box, then get out of my stadium. Or otherwise, get on with the game. All right? That goes for the rest of ya. Now get on and play some real football. Like a bunch of girls.
Viola: You know what? If you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
Paul: Vi- be a good boy.
Olivia: We could double. I'm sure Eunice is available.
Eunice: I am so there, it's insane.
[to Eunice after Olivia and Sebastian/Viola leave Cesarios]
Duke: So... do you like cheese?
Daphne: Nonsense! You don't need a man to wear a beautiful dress!
Paul: But it doesn't hurt...
[Paul gets down on one knee in front of Viola]
Paul: Viola Hastings it would be my pleasure to escort you.
Sebastian: [talking about musicians] Last time I heard, they don't need to know TRIGONOMETRY.
Viola: [getting into catfight] You are messing with the wrong man.
Viola: [seating Eunice down at Cesario's] Lady Pterodactyl
Coach Dinklage: [yelling] LET'S GO! KICK! KILL!
Justin: [Justin blocks duke's shot] That's right. Didn't score on me last half won't score on this half. I'm a ninja. Ninja Goalie.
Duke: Yeah! You did it!
Duke: I'm going out with Olivia...
Viola: What the hell, I thought you like Viola now!
Duke: Dude, come on, you're a guy. What would you do?
[sings again]
Duke: If the hottest girl in school came to you and asked you on a date?
Viola: I'll be right back!
Viola: Speaking as a completely third party objective with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I'm not really sure that you and Olivia really mesh well together.
Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: Okay.
[pulls down his soccer shorts]
Duke: [at the kissing booth] What do you think its going to be like?
Toby: It's going to be really special, she's just about kissed 300 guys at his point.
Monique: [Trying to distract Paul, Kia, and Yvonne so that she can get into the Moon Bounce to talk to Viola who she thinks is Sebastian] What's that?
Kia: [Follows Monique's finger]
Paul: [Still looking at Monique] Kia, don't look.
Kia: [Looks back at Monique, looks down, disappointed]
Coach Pistonek: Hi girls, heard the bad news.
Viola: Bad? It's a disaster!
Coach Pistonek: I know. Well if there's anything I can help you with, you just say the word.
Viola: As a matter of fact, there is. We want to try out for the boy's team.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: [laughs] Uh, anything besides that.
Viola: Coach, come on! You know that we're good enough!
Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
Viola: All we're asking for is one shot.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: Girls, we have two weeks before school starts. Then we open against Illyria, a rivalry game. We have to win.
Viola: And we can help you win.
Justin: Hey, baby. What's going on coach?
Coach Pistonek: Umm, girls here want to try out for the team.
Viola: [as Sebastian] Hi, Eunice. Sorry for running out on our date.
Eunice: It's okay. My intensity scares some people.
Duke: What're you gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.
Duke: This is perfect. You spend an hour with her every other day. You can convince her to go out with me!
Viola: Dude, she's had that option for, like, three and a half years.
Coach Dinklage: At ease, Gentlemen. I've seen a lot of energy and commitment out there today. And that makes a coach proud. Now, I wanna split us up into first string and second string. You second-stringers, don't take it too hard. You're just as much part of this team as the first-stringers. Apart from, of course, playing the game part.
Viola: You know it bro'
Duke: Its not gonna be that bad, Olivia's gonna be there. the perfect opportunity for me to lay some groundwork.
Viola: Oh, Olivia's gonna be there. And my sister, and Monique, and you, and my mom. great.
Justin: [kisses Viola] Ok, you are really getting good.
Viola: Aw, you too. I mean when we first started going out, you couldn't kiss at all.
Justin: I meant at soccer.
Viola: Aw, really?
Justin: Absolutely. You're already better than half the guys on my team.
Viola: Hmm... probably more than half.
[kisses justin]
Justin: What do you mean I couldn't kiss at all?
Viola: Don't worry, I've taught you well.
Monique: Hello, Viola.
Viola: Oh, boy. This isn't good.
Monique: And hello to you little... homewrecker.
Olivia: Uh, who are you?
Monique: I am Sebastian's girlfriend.
Viola: Ex-Girl-Friend.
Monique: Okay. Everybody's gotta stop saying that.
Olivia: Oh. You were the one he dumped at the pizza parlor the other day.
Monique: Nonononononono, he did not dump me. We're just going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Olivia: Oh? I heard he dumped you. He dumped you big. It was just like a big, huge dumping.
Toby: [cough] Incoming.
Viola: Check out the booty on that blondie.
Viola: You know how it is. New school, new babe pool.
Cheryl: [making bizarre arm gestures] Who's ready to come out?
Viola: [imitating her expression] Kill me.
Andrew: Freshman dorm's that-a-way, twiglet.
Sebastian: Besides, if you want to chase your dreams, sometimes you gotta break the rules, right?
Duke: [after seeing Olivia nod at Viola and wave] Dude you know her?
Viola: Talked to her for like a second.
Duke: Just because you wear a wig, doesn't mean you're a girl.
Viola: So, uh, you play the beautiful game... bros... brothers... brethren?
Daphne: So Monique's getting you all excited about being a debutant, huh?
Viola: Thuper duper exthited! Have a good carnival!
Principal Gold: I'd like to say 'welcome'.
Principal Gold: Welcome to, Illyria, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome... to Illyria.
[speaking again]
Principal Gold: I just wanted to say 'welcome'!
Andrew: Yea, she gives great nods.
Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Ask me if I like Cheese
Duke: Duke: Um, ok. Do you like cheese?
Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Why yes I do, my favorite's Gouda.
Daphne: You did all this to play soccer?
Coach Pistonek: Yeah. Yeah. NO. No playing. You have to forfeit. There's no girls in this league. Here, look in the manual.
Eunice: I know tricks.
Toby: Is your sister hot?
Viola: [as Sebastian] Uh... I guess so... she's got a great personality
Toby: Ew
Sebastian: [after falling over on the football pitch again] What am I doing? This isn't FUN.
Principal Gold: There you go. Have a great apple and sandwich.
Viola: Be a man. Suck it up and rub some dirt in IT.
Duke: All right, I'll rub some dirt on it...
Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: [as Sebastian] I skipped a couple grades. I'm brilliant. Shh.
Viola: So what about the thing... we talked about it... that you're gonna do later?...
Duke: What thing? I'm... I'm thingless...
Duke: You know... it's crazy how wrong you can be about a person... just crazy... You think that they are one thing and then they turn out to be the exact opposite. You know what? Save it. We were suppose to be friends.
Viola: We are friends.
[Duke showes Viola/Sebastian against the wall]
Duke: You dont even know the meaning of the word.
Principal Gold: [to Sebastian/Viola] Have a great apple and sandwich!
Principal Gold: What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way to not is to not.
Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
[first lines]
Justin: Oh! She shoots, she scores! Goal!
Viola: [as Sebastian, watching Kia strut away from him/her in front of Duke, Andrew, and Toby] I'd tap that.
Eunice: [wheezing] I'll be the best lab partner you ever had
Viola: This is *not* over.
Andrew: [to Duke] Some guys just walk in the light you know.

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