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Number 5 of a group of experimental robots in a lab is electrocuted, suddenly becomes intelligent, and escapes.
Number 5: Malfunction. Need input.
Number 5: Hey, laser lips, your mama was a snow blower.
[Stephanie is in the bath] Number 5: [confused] Stephanie... change color! Stephanie Speck: [looks down, embarrassed, reaches for a towel] Uh... Number 5: Attractive! Nice software. Stephanie Speck: You sure don't talk like a machine...
Newton Crosby: Holy shit. Number 5: No shit. Where see shit?
Number 5: Number 5 is alive.
Stephanie Speck: Life is NOT a malfunction.
Howard Marner: Crosby, we're going to have to ask you to surrender the robot. Newton Crosby: Stat? Howard Marner: Stat! Newton Crosby: What does that mean, anyway? Howard Marner: I don't know. But that's not the point.
Newton Crosby: Why did you disobey your program? Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot. Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"? Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this? Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you? Number 5: *I* told me.
Skroeder: ...and I'm going to need some Hueys. Howard Marner: Some what? Skroeder: HELICOPTERS, Howard. Jesus Christ! Howard Marner: I thought they were choppers. Skroeder: Well, now they're called Hueys. Howard Marner: Well, why wasn't I notified?
Number 5: Beautiful animal... canine... dog... mutt.
Stephanie Speck: [they're heading for the cliff] Oh, no - Jeez! Number Five, we're gonna be killed! Number 5: Disassemble? Stephanie Speck: Yes, disassemble ALL OVER THE PLACE!
Howard Marner: Hey! Who told you you could take Number One? Newton Crosby: Howard, logically, if we need protection from Number Five - this is the best weapon we could have. Howard Marner: Great. Great. So, instead of 11 million dollars on the loose - we're gonna have twenty-two. Ben Jabituya: And plus, we are needing gas money.
Ben Jabituya: I am standing here beside myself.
Number 5: Not malfunction Stephanie. Number 5 is alive.
Ben Jabituya: I am thinking she is a virgin. Or at least she used to be.
Ben Jabituya: Bye-bye, goofy woman. I enjoyed repeatedly throwing you to the ground.
Number 5: [Reading a Billboard] Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
Duke: Will he kill me if I stop? Ben Jabituya: Who is to say? Duke: Will he kill me if I don't stop? Ben Jabituya: Again I am shrugging. Duke: I'm stopping. Ben Jabituya: Good choice.
Stephanie Speck: But you can't die. You're a machine. Number 5: No. Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine? Number 5: Yes. Stephanie Speck: Yes, you are, or yes, you're not? Number 5: Yes. Stephanie Speck: Yes, WHAT? Number 5: Yes, not. Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction.
Stephanie Speck: What planet is this guy from?
Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!" Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing? Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha! Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Ben Jabituya: So now I am having no job to speak about. I will have to smack the sidewalk.
Howard Marner: What if it goes out and melts down a bus load of nuns? How would you like to write the headline on that one? Benjamin Jabituya: Nun soup?
Newton Crosby: Where are you from, anyway? Ben Jabituya: Bakersfield, originally. Newton Crosby: No, I mean your ancestors. Ben Jabituya: Oh, them. Pittsburgh.
Howard Marner: Don't tell me its laser is still armed. Ben Jabituya: Bimbo.
Number 5: Bird. Raven. Nevermore.
Ben Jabituya: I am sporting a tremendous woody.
Ben Jabituya: I don't know about you, but I am planning to scream and run.
Number 5: Number 5 stupid name... want to be Kevin or Dave!
Newton Crosby: Number 5, What do you make of this? [hands Number 5 a Rorschach blot he just made using tomato soup] Number 5: Hmmm... Wood pulp, plant - vegetable - tomato, water, salt, monosodium glutamate... Newton Crosby: Okay, thank you. Now you're talking like a robot. Number 5: ...and resemble - look like - butterfly, bird, maple leaf!
Number 5: Kick ass? Donkey, mule, burrow.
Ben Jabituya: [noticing that Newton is having a hard time driving through the semi-dark streets of town] Do you know what most people are liking at night? Newton Crosby: No, what? Ben Jabituya: Headlights. [reaches across the dashboard and switches the lights on] Newton Crosby: Oh, yeah... that's a lot better! Thanks!
Number 5: Colt .45. Semi-automatic. [crushes the gun] Number 5: Play-doh.
Frank: How, robot. Me - friend. Stephanie Speck: Talk computer, not Apache.
Ben Jabituya: Oh, bull dyke! You cannot hold your water with that story, girl.
Farmer's wife: I hope you took the grass out of the glove compartment.
Benjamin Jabituya: Who is knowing how to read the mind of a robot?
Howard Marner: [On CB] Crosby, it's Howard. If you don't have my van back in 15 minutes...! [Number 5 blows up CB]
Ben Jabituya: "Unable. Malfunction." Howard Marner: How can it refuse to turn itself off? Skroeder: Maybe it's pissed off. Newton Crosby: It's a machine, Schroeder. It doesn't get pissed off. It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes. Newton Crosby, Ben Jabituya: [in unison] It just runs programs. Howard Marner: It usually runs programs.
Stephanie Speck: [to N5 reciting TV commercials] OK, you didn't come a million miles to do television commercials, did you?
Howard Marner: Where is he? I need him! Stat! Ben Jabituya: Excuse me, sir? Crosby? He is hiding in the toilet, sir. Howard Marner: Public relations is everybody's job. Ben Jabituya: He's saying that the crowds, they are making him dog sick, sir... Howard Marner: Look, he's supposed to be here, I want him here, I *pay* him to be here. Ben Jabituya: Well, the last time I'm seeing him, he is busy womiting, sir. Howard Marner: Well, clean him up and send him out, to hobnob. Stat!
Duke: Dr. Warmonger - I mean, Dr. Marner!
Stephanie Speck: ...Where're you taking him? Ben Jabituya: This is not being a HIM. It's only being wires and several mechanisms and other such machine-type apparatus, for the Pete of sake - the sate of Peeckle...
Number 5: Okay, to make these golden fluffy pancakes... add flour, milk and eggs... Mix thoroughly... [uses his own motor to rotate the mixer - the bowl contents splatter all over the room] Number 5: Ooooo... Still lumpy!
Stephanie Speck: Boy am I the jerk of the world! Number 5: Jerk of the world: Turkey, idiot, pain in the ass.
Newton Crosby: Can you believe it's been five years since I've driven? Ben Jabituya: I would say ten.
[about the robots] Newton Crosby: Originally I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marinal aid.
Newton Crosby: Let me tell you something. I don't like those NOVA guys any more than you do. In fact, I don't care if they ever get Number 5 back. But I wanna see it. Stephanie Speck: If I show you where he is, do I have your word: You will not experiment on him, you will not flip the switches, and you will not take him apart? Newton Crosby: Absolutely. You have my word. Stephanie Speck: Okay. He's out back. I'll take you to him. Skroeder: [walks up to them] Well, while you're at it, young lady, you can take me, too. Newton Crosby: [surprised] Skroeder! Skroeder: Terrific job, Crosby. Thanks for the help. Newton Crosby: No. I had nothing to do with this! Stephanie Speck: You bastard! You're a liar!
Number 5: [as John Wayne] Ah don't worry little lady, I'll fix their wagon.
Stephanie Speck: [ending her phone conversation with NOVA's Marner] ... never mind, go back to your nuclear warheads.
Ben Jabituya: [just before he and Crosby go to meet with the public] Please wait for me. I need to go and use the jack. Newton Crosby: It's the "john."
Stephanie Speck: [taking N5 for an extraterrestrial being] Oh, my God! I knew they'd pick me. I just knew it!... Hello? Well, I guess... Welcome to my planet!
Number 5: [parodying a TV presenter's voice during his fight against the other SAINTs] "Escaped Robot Fights for His Life. Film at Eleven."
Stephanie Speck: [to a possible client, over the phone] Oh... I'm sorry, I - but I just... I have to draw the line at SNAKES. Yeah, I'm sure it would make a wonderful pet - but... Wait, isn't there a home for cobras somewhere?
Frank: [explaining why he'd just been trying to capture Steph's dog] ... you know he looked kinda sick to me, so I thought I'd just take 'im down to the vet and fix 'im up a little bit. Stephanie Speck: He doesn't look sick. YOU look sick.
Number 5: Well, if you gotta go, don't squeeze the Charmin.
General Washburne: The only way to secure the peace, Senator, as I'm sure you know, is to be prepared. See, we can parachute these robot guys behind enemy lines. They hide out till the first strike blows over. Then each one is able to just carry a 25-megaton bomb right up the middle of Main Street Moscow - like the mailman bringing bad news. We call it Operation 'Gotcha LAST!' Senator Mills: That's what you call 'ENSURING PEACE'? General Washburne: Oh, yeah. Just as you say: 'Ensuring peace'.
Number 5: Error. Grasshopper disassembled... Re-assemble!
[after Number 5 is seemingly destroyed] Skroeder: [cheerfully] Now that, my friend, is how you kick ass! Howard Marner: Years of research are down the tubes, and you're happy as a pig in slops. Skroeder: [proudly] Just doing my job, sir. Howard Marner: Maybe from now on you can do it somewhere else.
Ben Jabituya: Newton, you know what is out there in the great outdoors? Girls. Mmmmm! With brassieres and legs - mmm. You have a working knowledge of girls? Newton Crosby: No, but I read about 'em. Ben Jabituya: Oh, then... maybe I can furnish you with some schematic drawings?
Ben Jabituya: Did she stick her tongue down your throat?
Ben Jabituya: Looks like you have created another Frankfurter's monster.
Skroeder: [after watching Crosby disassemble Number 5] What the hell is the matter with you, you four-eyed idiot? Newton Crosby: [mumbling to himself] What an asshole. Skroeder: [angrily] I heard that!
Number 5: No disassemble Number Five!
Stephanie Speck: This may be hilarious where you come from, but on this planet it's considered rude.
Stephanie Speck: [to N5 who'd been watching TV all night] ... You know you lose IQ points the longer you watch. There've been actual studies!
[when driving a campervan into a fish hung on a wire] Number 5: Fish. Salmon. Sushi.
Ben Jabituya: Newton, we are wasting valueless time here.
Ben Jabituya: I have seen some strange, bizarre drivers, but you. You will be awarded a cake.
Stephanie Speck: Yes, I'd like to speak to one of your head warmongers, please.
Number 5: Number 5 [Pushing Skroeder away] Number 5: Number 5: No, no, please. No autographs, sir! Number 5: Number 5: [Grabs Stephanie] Number 5: Come Stephanie! We be jamming! [Busts out side of wall of Black Lion]
Newton Crosby: Are you sure you weren't doing any steering or anything like that? Stephanie Speck: Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.
Stephanie Speck: [about the SAINT robots] So - what are these guys used for, anyway? Ben Jabituya: It's top-secret crap. Stephanie Speck: That's what I figured.
Number 5: Many fragments. Some large, some small.
Number 5: [imitating Elmer Fudd after having seen the show on Stephanie's TV] Well, I guess that waps you up, you wascally wobot - huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh!
Skroeder: What the hell does it need input for? Newton Crosby: I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position. Howard Marner: That's a simple function. Newton Crosby: Can you triangulate YOUR position, Howard? Howard Marner: No. Newton Crosby: Well, then - there you go!
Number 5: [on seeing the Sun] Oooooo! Beautiful. Light bulb. Stephanie Speck: No - sun. Number 5: Beautiful No-sun.
Number 5: Benjamin Jabituya, delete. Benjamin Jabituya: No, wait! Rethink yourself! Number 5: Exit. Depart. Leave. Benjamin Jabituya: Eat my dust, Newton Crosby. Let us break wind. [leaves] Number 5: Newton Crosby, no run, no talk, drive. [Crosby stalls] Number 5: Today, Crosby! Today!
Howard Marner: Crosby, what's it gonna do? Newton Crosby: Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything. Skroeder: But it COULD decide to blow away anything that moves, couldn't it? COULDN'T IT CROSBY?
Howard Marner: No, I'm sure we'll all agree that Dr Crosby has designed a weapon which will keep our world safe for all time. Newton Crosby: Howard, what's so safe about blowing people up?
Stephanie Speck: I thought you were alive, Number 5. I let you tear my house to shreds and you're a ROBOT! You're a machine from that dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid! Number 5: Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell...
Ben Jabituya: With excitement like this, who is needing enemas?
Ben Jabituya: Ooh. Her pants are blazing for you, Newton Crosby. Newton Crosby: Will you grow up?
Newton Crosby: [makes a computer hand show its middle finger to Ben and chuckles very smugly] Ben Jabituya: Is that a 'yes' or the number of your intelligence quotient, uh?
Number 5: Frankie, you broke the unwritten law. You ratted on your friends. When you do that Frankie, your enemies don't respect you. You got no friends no more. You got nobody, Frankie.
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