A young boy with stunted growth is convinced that God has a great purpose for him.

Simon: What I want to do and what I do are two separate things. If we all went around doing what we wanted all the time, there'd be chaos.
Simon: I said, what does coffee and donuts have to do with God?
Rev. Russell: They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and talk about up coming events.
Simon: Who ever said church needs a continental breakfast?
Simon Birch: Sex makes people crazy.
Simon: Boobs!
Simon: I've been thinking.
Joe: Yeah?
Simon: Last year we were in the squirt league, and this year we're in the pewee.
Joe: So?
Simon: So what do they want us to do, play baseball or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking.
Simon: Your mother is so sexy, sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.
Joe: What if I said the same thing about your mother?
Simon: I'd have you committed.
Joe: Hey, your son is not a screw up, he's a hero.
Mr. Birch: What?
Joe: I said he's a hero. And you don't deserve him. I want you to know that.
Adult Joe Wenteworth: Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with. It responds like a snail to our impatience, then it races like a gazelle when you can't catch a breath.
Rev. Russell: What are you doing sitting in a corner Simon?
Simon: Thinking about God.
Rev. Russell: In a corner?
Simon: Faith is not in a floor plan.
Simon: You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one.
Adult Joe Wenteworth: When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was my mother's scent and how I hated it when it began to disappear. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. Simon and I never talked much about that day on the baseball field. It was too painful for both of us. For as much as I loved my mother, I knew that Simon loved her just as much. She was the only real mother he ever had.
Simon: It's the *Virgin* Mary, Eddie. What does Joseph have to do with anything?
Miss Leavy: The Star of Bethlehem is not a piƱata!
Simon: I don't see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are.
Simon: I'm a miracle you know.
Joe: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adult Joe Wenteworth: Ben Goodrich legally adopted me just two days before my 13th birthday. Not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for bringing him into my life. With Simon's help, I had finally found my real father.
Simon: I look like a burn victim.
Miss Leavy: [reading off remaining roles for the Christmas play] ... Well, there's the shepherds, but they don't do much -
[Everyone's hands spring up instantaneously]
Adult Joe Wenteworth: [voicecover] Miss Leavy always tried to downplay the role of the shepherds, but we weren't fooled. We knew that all you had to do was stand there with a staff and try not to laugh at all the poor fools with speaking parts.
Miss Leavy: The Virgin Mary does not chew gum.
Joe: Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.
Joe: My balls just turned to prunes!
Simon: My balls just turned to raisins!
Joe: I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
Simon: Now get over there with the other flying monkeys, where you belong.
Simon Birch: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Simon: She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.
Joe: Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?
Simon: I'd have you committed.
Adult Joe Wenteworth: [voiceover] I am doomed to remember a boy with a wrecked voice, not because of his voice, or because he was the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the instrument of my mother's death, but because he is the reason I believe in God. What faith I have, I owe to Simon Birch, the boy I grew up with in Gravedown, Maine.
Simon: Ahh! It's a horse!
Simon Birch: Thank you Miss Wenteworth.
Rebecca Wenteworth: You know what Simon? Thank you.
Simon: If God's made the church bake sale a priority, we're in a lot of trouble.
Simon: I don't think God's plan includes breaking and entering.

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