Sixteen Candles Quotes
A young girl's "sweet sixteenth" birthday becomes anything but special as she suffers from every embarrassment possible.
[Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house]
Long Duk Dong: Okay. I'm comin'.
[opens closet door]
Long Duk Dong: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. Okay.
[opens front door, screams and shuts door]
Long Duk Dong: Go away! I call F.I.B. I call police! Go away!
Jake: Open the door.
Long Duk Dong: No way, Jose!
Jake: Open the door.
Long Duk Dong: You beat up my face.
Jake: You grabbed my nuts.
Long Duk Dong: [looks through frosted glass on door] Is that you?
Jake: Yeah, that me.
Long Duk Dong: [opens door] Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you my new - new-style American girlfriend.
Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?
Long Duk Dong: She not here.
Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?
Long Duk Dong: She got married.
Jake: What?
Long Duk Dong: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.
Jake: Married?
Long Duk Dong: Married.
Jake: Married?
Long Duk Dong: Yeah. Married
[closes door]
Jake: [turns around, under breath to himself] Married?
Long Duk Dong: Married! Jeez.
Long Duk Dong: Okay. I'm comin'.
[opens closet door]
Long Duk Dong: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. Okay.
[opens front door, screams and shuts door]
Long Duk Dong: Go away! I call F.I.B. I call police! Go away!
Jake: Open the door.
Long Duk Dong: No way, Jose!
Jake: Open the door.
Long Duk Dong: You beat up my face.
Jake: You grabbed my nuts.
Long Duk Dong: [looks through frosted glass on door] Is that you?
Jake: Yeah, that me.
Long Duk Dong: [opens door] Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you my new - new-style American girlfriend.
Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?
Long Duk Dong: She not here.
Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?
Long Duk Dong: She got married.
Jake: What?
Long Duk Dong: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.
Jake: Married?
Long Duk Dong: Married.
Jake: Married?
Long Duk Dong: Yeah. Married
[closes door]
Jake: [turns around, under breath to himself] Married?
Long Duk Dong: Married! Jeez.
The Geek: Damn Mom, I've got my headgear on!
Caroline: [annoyed] Will you wake up?
The Geek: [opens eyes] Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.
The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.
The Geek: You own a church?
Caroline: [annoyed] Will you wake up?
The Geek: [opens eyes] Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.
The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.
The Geek: You own a church?
Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.
Grandpa Fred: [chuckles] I better go get my magnifying glass.
Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so Perky.
Grandma Helen: [reaches to cup them]
Samantha: [cut to Sam's bedroom] I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.
Grandpa Fred: [chuckles] I better go get my magnifying glass.
Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so Perky.
Grandma Helen: [reaches to cup them]
Samantha: [cut to Sam's bedroom] I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.
The Geek: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw he and Caroline kissing] I'm dead.
[the phone rings and he answers it]
The Geek: Hello?
Cliff: Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
The Geek: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff: Ted, we're dying, what happened?
The Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
[the phone rings and he answers it]
The Geek: Hello?
Cliff: Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
The Geek: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff: Ted, we're dying, what happened?
The Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
Jake: Yes, hello sir, um...
Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?
Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.
Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?
Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.
Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?
Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.
Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?
Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.
The Geek: I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.
Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?
The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.
Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.
Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?
The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.
Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.
Randy: [Samantha has filled out an "anonymous" sex quiz naming her crush, which has fallen into unknown hands] Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.
Samantha: Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.
Randy: I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a Senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.
Samantha: I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.
Randy: He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.
Samantha: God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.
Samantha: Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.
Randy: I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a Senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.
Samantha: I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.
Randy: He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.
Samantha: God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.
Jake: I'll make a deal with you.
[holds up the panties]
Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?
The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.
Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.
Jake: I trust you...
The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.
[holds out a bowl]
The Geek: Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
The Geek: Positive.
[holds up the panties]
Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?
The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.
Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.
Jake: I trust you...
The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.
[holds out a bowl]
The Geek: Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
The Geek: Positive.
Jake: [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?
The Geek: Yeah.
Jake: How did you get 'em?
The Geek: She gave 'em to me.
Jake: Did you...?
The Geek: No! No, Jake. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!
Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
The Geek: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling ya.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
The Geek: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.
The Geek: Yeah.
Jake: How did you get 'em?
The Geek: She gave 'em to me.
Jake: Did you...?
The Geek: No! No, Jake. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!
Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
The Geek: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling ya.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
The Geek: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.
Jake: You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.
The Geek: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I'll kick your ass.
The Geek: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
The Geek: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?
The Geek: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I'll kick your ass.
The Geek: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
The Geek: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?
Samantha: [Samantha and Randy are watching Caroline taking a shower in the locker room] It's unbelieveable. I swear to God Caroline Mumford had to flunk about nine grades.
Randy: Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her. Practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet.
Samantha: And she's going with Jake. Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.
Randy: Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her. Practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet.
Samantha: And she's going with Jake. Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.
The Geek: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, your car, Jake?
Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.
The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.
Jake: So?
The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!
Jake: Then don't hit anything.
The Geek: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.
Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.
The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.
Jake: So?
The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!
Jake: Then don't hit anything.
The Geek: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.
Samantha: [mouths from across the street] Me?
Jake: Yeah, you.
[smiles and jogs across the street]
Samantha, Jake: [both in unison] Hi.
Jake: Hi.
Samantha: Hi. What are you doing here?
Jake: I heard you were here.
Samantha: You came here for me?
Jake: Is that okay?
Samantha: [flattered] Yeah, it's okay.
Jake: Do you have to go to reception now?
Samantha: I'm supposed to.
Jake: Can I call you later?
Samantha: Sure... I mean no.
Jake: No, I can't call you later?
Samantha: Yeah... No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.
Jake: Oh. Great.
[walks Samantha to his Porsche]
Jake: Yeah, you.
[smiles and jogs across the street]
Samantha, Jake: [both in unison] Hi.
Jake: Hi.
Samantha: Hi. What are you doing here?
Jake: I heard you were here.
Samantha: You came here for me?
Jake: Is that okay?
Samantha: [flattered] Yeah, it's okay.
Jake: Do you have to go to reception now?
Samantha: I'm supposed to.
Jake: Can I call you later?
Samantha: Sure... I mean no.
Jake: No, I can't call you later?
Samantha: Yeah... No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.
Jake: Oh. Great.
[walks Samantha to his Porsche]
