Sleuth Quotes
On his sprawling country estate, an aging writer matches wits with the struggling actor who has stolen his wife's heart.
Milo Tindle: Maggie never told me you were... such a manipulator. She told me you were no good in bed, but she never told me you were such a manipulator.
Andrew Wyke: She told you I was no good in bed?
Milo Tindle: Oh, yes.
Andrew Wyke: She was joking. I'm wonderful in bed.
Milo Tindle: I must tell her.
Andrew Wyke: She told you I was no good in bed?
Milo Tindle: Oh, yes.
Andrew Wyke: She was joking. I'm wonderful in bed.
Milo Tindle: I must tell her.
Milo Tindle: We are from different worlds, you and me, Andrew. In mine, there was no time for bright fancies and happy inventions, no stopping for tea. The only game we played was to survive, or go to the wall. If you didn't win, you just didn't finish. Loser, lose all. You probably don't understand that.
Andrew Wyke: It's a good thing, I am pretty much of an Olympic sexual athlete.
Milo Tindle: Yes, I suppose these days you are concentrating more on the sprints than on the long distance stuff.
Andrew Wyke: Not so dear boy! I am in the peak of condition. I could copulate for England at any distance.
Milo Tindle: Well, as they say in the Olympics, it's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts.
Milo Tindle: Yes, I suppose these days you are concentrating more on the sprints than on the long distance stuff.
Andrew Wyke: Not so dear boy! I am in the peak of condition. I could copulate for England at any distance.
Milo Tindle: Well, as they say in the Olympics, it's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts.
Andrew Wyke: I understand you're fucking my wife.
Milo Tindle: That's right.
Andrew Wyke: Right... Yes, right. So, we've cleared that up.
Milo Tindle: We have.
Andrew Wyke: I thought you might have denied it.
Milo Tindle: Why would I deny it?
Andrew Wyke: Well, she is my wife.
Milo Tindle: Yes, but she's fucking me.
Andrew Wyke: Oh, she's fucking you too, huh? Well, I'll be buggered. Ha ha. Sorry.
Milo Tindle: Yes, it's mutual.
Andrew Wyke: You take turns?
Milo Tindle: We fuck each other. That's what people do.
Andrew Wyke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.
Milo Tindle: That's right.
Andrew Wyke: Right... Yes, right. So, we've cleared that up.
Milo Tindle: We have.
Andrew Wyke: I thought you might have denied it.
Milo Tindle: Why would I deny it?
Andrew Wyke: Well, she is my wife.
Milo Tindle: Yes, but she's fucking me.
Andrew Wyke: Oh, she's fucking you too, huh? Well, I'll be buggered. Ha ha. Sorry.
Milo Tindle: Yes, it's mutual.
Andrew Wyke: You take turns?
Milo Tindle: We fuck each other. That's what people do.
Andrew Wyke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.
Milo Tindle: Where's the ladder?
Andrew Wyke: What ladder?
Milo Tindle: The ladder! Where's it gone?
Andrew Wyke: It's not working. There was always a dodgy fuse on this. I'll phone the electrician in the morning.
Milo Tindle: In the morning? What about now?
Andrew Wyke: No, no, he'll be in bed. You know these country people, early to bed, early to rise. He's a nice chap, though. He's called Norman. Charming wife, Debbie. Three delightful kids. Oh, I just remembered. He's on vacation, he's taken the kids to Bermuda.
Milo Tindle: What? So I'm stuck up here for the rest of my life?
Andrew Wyke: Have patience. Stoicism is what's called for. Works wonders.
Andrew Wyke: What ladder?
Milo Tindle: The ladder! Where's it gone?
Andrew Wyke: It's not working. There was always a dodgy fuse on this. I'll phone the electrician in the morning.
Milo Tindle: In the morning? What about now?
Andrew Wyke: No, no, he'll be in bed. You know these country people, early to bed, early to rise. He's a nice chap, though. He's called Norman. Charming wife, Debbie. Three delightful kids. Oh, I just remembered. He's on vacation, he's taken the kids to Bermuda.
Milo Tindle: What? So I'm stuck up here for the rest of my life?
Andrew Wyke: Have patience. Stoicism is what's called for. Works wonders.
Detective Inspector Black: Do you want to know my opinion of the newspapers?
Andrew Wyke: What?
Detective Inspector Black: Journalists are a bunch of prick-teasing cocksuckers.
Andrew Wyke: No.
Detective Inspector Black: That's right.
Andrew Wyke: I'm sorry, but isn't that a contradiction in terms?
Andrew Wyke: Is it?
Andrew Wyke: What?
Detective Inspector Black: Journalists are a bunch of prick-teasing cocksuckers.
Andrew Wyke: No.
Detective Inspector Black: That's right.
Andrew Wyke: I'm sorry, but isn't that a contradiction in terms?
Andrew Wyke: Is it?
Andrew Wyke: So you're not well-known.
Detective Inspector Black: No, I'm a common-or-garden copper. Just catch sex criminals, perverts.
[sniff]
Detective Inspector Black: Homicidal maniacs.
Andrew Wyke: And what do you do with them when you catch them?
Detective Inspector Black: I generally cut their balls off.
[laugh]
Detective Inspector Black: No, I'm a common-or-garden copper. Just catch sex criminals, perverts.
[sniff]
Detective Inspector Black: Homicidal maniacs.
Andrew Wyke: And what do you do with them when you catch them?
Detective Inspector Black: I generally cut their balls off.
[laugh]
Milo Tindle: Alright, I'll do it. Where do you want me to break in?
Andrew Wyke: Not so fast. You've got to get disguised first.
Milo Tindle: What for?
Andrew Wyke: Suppose somebody saw you coming.
Milo Tindle: Here? In the middle of nowhere? I could hardly find this place with a bloody map!
Andrew Wyke: You never know. A dallying couple, a passing sheep-rapist.
Andrew Wyke: Not so fast. You've got to get disguised first.
Milo Tindle: What for?
Andrew Wyke: Suppose somebody saw you coming.
Milo Tindle: Here? In the middle of nowhere? I could hardly find this place with a bloody map!
Andrew Wyke: You never know. A dallying couple, a passing sheep-rapist.
Milo Tindle: You speak Dutch yourself, do you?
Andrew Wyke: Yes, how did you know? I have a Dutch uncle.
Milo Tindle: Can't see any Italian translations.
Andrew Wyke: [Implying a double entendre] No, they're a funny lot, the Italians. Culture isn't really their thing.
Milo Tindle: Their salami's good though.
Andrew Wyke: Oh, is it?
Milo Tindle: Italian salami? Best in the world.
Andrew Wyke: Did you bring any with you?
Milo Tindle: No, I left it at home.
Andrew Wyke: Oh, shame.
Milo Tindle: We're gonna have if for supper tonight, with a couple of bottles of Valpolicella.
Andrew Wyke: Yes, how did you know? I have a Dutch uncle.
Milo Tindle: Can't see any Italian translations.
Andrew Wyke: [Implying a double entendre] No, they're a funny lot, the Italians. Culture isn't really their thing.
Milo Tindle: Their salami's good though.
Andrew Wyke: Oh, is it?
Milo Tindle: Italian salami? Best in the world.
Andrew Wyke: Did you bring any with you?
Milo Tindle: No, I left it at home.
Andrew Wyke: Oh, shame.
Milo Tindle: We're gonna have if for supper tonight, with a couple of bottles of Valpolicella.
Andrew Wyke: A great branch broke off a big tree and - flew through the air, through the skylight - as you can see. Act of God.
Detective Inspector Black: Had it in for you, did he?
Andrew Wyke: Who?
Detective Inspector Black: God.
Andrew Wyke: Oh, yes, he's always been a vicious bastard.
Andrew Wyke: You know what God's trouble is?
Detective Inspector Black: What?
Andrew Wyke: He has no father. He has no family roots. He's rootless. Nowhere to hang his hat, poor bugger. I pity him.
Detective Inspector Black: Had it in for you, did he?
Andrew Wyke: Who?
Detective Inspector Black: God.
Andrew Wyke: Oh, yes, he's always been a vicious bastard.
Andrew Wyke: You know what God's trouble is?
Detective Inspector Black: What?
Andrew Wyke: He has no father. He has no family roots. He's rootless. Nowhere to hang his hat, poor bugger. I pity him.
Milo Tindle: There it is! The original blunt instrument; the poker. Right!
Andrew Wyke: Now steady...
Milo Tindle: Where do you want it?
Andrew Wyke: Don't get carried away. It's not a murder weapon you're talking about you know!
Milo Tindle: No?
Andrew Wyke: No. We're discussing an object from which I receive in the classic formula a glancing blow which will raise a lump without actually cracking the cranium.
Milo Tindle: Why don't I just keep tapping you lightly on the head with the poker until a lump comes up?
Andrew Wyke: Now steady...
Milo Tindle: Where do you want it?
Andrew Wyke: Don't get carried away. It's not a murder weapon you're talking about you know!
Milo Tindle: No?
Andrew Wyke: No. We're discussing an object from which I receive in the classic formula a glancing blow which will raise a lump without actually cracking the cranium.
Milo Tindle: Why don't I just keep tapping you lightly on the head with the poker until a lump comes up?
