A small town is taken over by an alien plague, turning residents into zombies and all forms of mutant monsters.

Jack MacReady: If I weren't about to shit in my pants right now, I'd be fuckin' fascinated.
Jack MacReady: [to Margaret] Praise *Jesus*? That's fucking pushing it! This shit's about as far from God as shit can get! Either of you ever seen anything like that? You even heard of anything like that? Huh? Me neither... and I watch Animal Planet all the fucking time!
Kylie Strutemyer: What are we gonna do now?
Bill Pardy: Probably turn into a couple of these fucked-up things.
Kylie Strutemyer: That's kinda negative.
Bill Pardy: Well, it's been that sorta day.
Jack MacReady: [panicked] We need to find this Grant, and I mean yesterday. Town council's lit a Roman Candle, stuck it up my ass.
Bill Pardy: Jack, your leisure activities ain't my business.
[they are discussing what caused Grant's transformation]
Jack MacReady: It's obvious the bastard's got lyme disease!
Bill Pardy: What?
Jack MacReady: Lyme disease. You touch some deer feces, and then you... eat a sandwich without washin' your hands. You got your lyme disease!
Bill Pardy: And that makes you look like a squid?
Tourneur: [referring to a mutated Grant] He looks likes something that fell off my dick during the war.
Bill Pardy: Two nights ago, a mare was stolen from this property owned by Fitzgibbon, that rancher with the cleft palate.
Wally: [mutters to Margaret] I know that guy, he looks like a chipmunk.
Bill Pardy: Your momma wasn't too proud when you came out neither, Wally.
Jack MacReady: Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?
Bill Pardy: [sarcastic] *Jesus Christ*, Jack, let me get right on it!
[Last lines]
Bill Pardy: Hey Kylie, why don't you tell Ms. Grant that story 'bout how I saved you from that deer?
Kylie Strutemyer: Oh yeah. Bill saved me from a deer.
Starla Grant: Oh yeah?
[Bill, Margaret and Trevor spot Grant and Starla getting into a car]
Trevor: That's one match I'll never get.
Margaret: [zipping Gina Kid's jacket up] Ain't no mystery. Starla was raised in them shanties off St. Luke, dirt poor. All she ever wanted was to be a lady. Ol' Grant Grant, he's always been made of green.
Trevor: Gold digger, huh?
Bill Pardy: Oh, hell, Margaret! Starla's mother left her, her daddy's a drunk, she was 17 years old. Ol' Grant pulls up in a big ol' Cadillac, house on the hill, *and* college tuition? What would you do?
Margaret: [Lifting a handkerchief to Gina Kid's nose] Blow.
Bill Pardy: Hell, if he had a 'gina, you'd'a married him, too.
Gina Kid: What's a "'gina"?
Bill Pardy: [after an awkward pause] It's a country. You know, where "Ginese" people come from. Learn to eavesdrop better.
Grant Grant: I've been around a million years! You think you can fuck with me?
Bill Pardy: Yep.
Bill Pardy: [to fellow cops] Alright folks, let's go.
[mocking Jack]
Bill Pardy: Don't forget your guns; We don't want any lyme disease popping out at us.
Jack MacReady: [sarcastic] Oh, ho ho ho. Ha ha, fuckin' ha!
Jack MacReady: [referring to the worms] If this shit is contagious and I turn into a fucking mollusk or something, I'm gonna sue those bastards!
[to Margaret]
Jack MacReady: And you can sue right along side of me. I don't care if you're a lesbo, you don't deserve this shit!
Brenda Gutierrez: [Brenda has become a giant pregnant stomach] Something's wrong with me.
Wally: [referring to his crush on Starla] I'm surprised you're able to lift a mug, you've been carrying that torch for so long.
Bill Pardy: Oh, that reminds me. There's something I wanted to tell you.
Wally: What's that?
Bill Pardy: Fuck you, fatass.
Bill Pardy: [holds up a toy squid from his desk] What's this?
Trevor: I thought we could use that like a police sketch, Chief. You know, take it door to door, see if anybody recognizes it.
Jack MacReady: [wiping off his mouth] Tried to get in my mouth. What kinda thing want you to eat it?
Bill Pardy: [after seeing a zombie become a part of Grant] Well, now that is some fucked up shit.
Bill Pardy: [sighs to himself] My easy-going nature is gettin' sorely fuckin' tested.
[from trailer]
Starla Grant: Baby, what happened to your face?
Grant Grant: It's just a bee sting.
Wally: Like finding a needle in a fuck-stack.
Jack MacReady: [referring to Starla] Bitch is hardcore.
Butcher: [Grant Grant is eyeballing a display counter filled with raw meat] Howdy, Mr. Grant.
Grant Grant: Oh, hey there, Killer.
Butcher: What can I do you for?
Grant Grant: Gimme a couple of your ribeyes.
Butcher: How many you need?
Grant Grant: Eight. Naw... ten. Uhm, no, no. You know what? Gimme fourteen.
Butcher: Having a party?
Grant Grant: Yeah, something like that. It's a... little surprise for the wife.
[Bill, Starla, Jack, and Kylie remain silent in the car after narrowly escaping a pack of zombies]
Bill Pardy: So... how's everybody's evening? Good?
Jack MacReady: [seeing all the firearms in the room] I didn't know the Russkiis were invadin'.
Margaret: You'd seen this guy, you'da wished they was.
Bill Pardy: Thank you for saving my ass back there.
Kylie Strutemyer: You're welcome.
Bill Pardy: Of course, when I tell that story, it's gonna be the other way around.
Brenda Gutierrez: The little fuckers are tearing me apart!
Jack MacReady: [Jack staggers towards Bill with alien growths on his face] Bill! Shoot me!
Bill Pardy: [shoots Jack in the head without hesitation]
Shelby: [to Bill, over the car radio] Your momma called. She said the toilet's all backed up again, wants you to come over as soon as you're finished there... She said it's what you done in there on Sunday caused the backup.
[Starla looks at Bill empathetically, who hastily glances at her out of the corner of his eye, embarrassed]
Mrs. Strutemyer: Open the door, Jellybean
[from trailer]
Bill Pardy: Don't let them in your mouth!
Bill Pardy: [to Kylie] What's with the spitting?
Jack MacReady: [after seeing the zombies walking towards him and Starla] Christ on a cross!
Starla Grant: [as Bill goes out where the worms are] Be careful.
Bill Pardy: Yeah, there's a thought.
[as they look around at the dead bodies covering Starla's front lawn]
Starla Grant: Bet you regret not running off to Hollywood with me now, eh, Bill?
Bill Pardy: Ah hell, Starla. I always regretted that.
Bill Pardy: Shelby, you gonna create a hysteria?
Shelby: [doesn't look up] Not today, Bill.
Jack MacReady: [referring to Grant] He's a goddamn Martian?
Bill Pardy: Martians is from Mars, Jack.
Jack MacReady: [through gritted teeth] Or it's a general term meaning 'outer-space fucker'.
Bill Pardy: No it isn't!
Jack MacReady: Look it up, cocksucker!
Starla Grant: Enough!
Bill Pardy: [looking at the disemboweled dog] I reckon Grant ain't got one of them puppy calendars on his desk. Just don't strike me as a real dog lover is all.
Trevor: Hey! Look.
[holds up the decapitated head of a dog]
Trevor: Knocked this one's head clear on over here.
Wally: Put that down, numbnuts!
Jack MacReady: Move the fuck out of the way, cock sucker!
Uptight Mom: Howdy, Mayor.
Bill Pardy: Grant looks like a squid, don't know where he's gonna hide... Seaworld maybe.
Charlie: [to a mutated Grant] Now, I don't care what kind of leprosy you got. We need to find that girl. Now, you can make this peaceful, or you can make it hard.
Bill Pardy: [in pain] What was that? That really hurt.
[pulls the tubule out of his stomach]
Kylie Strutemyer: You need both of them things in you to get all "womby".
Bill Pardy: Oh, that's - *awesome*!

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