The Bandit is hired on to run a tractor trailer full of beer over county lines in hot pursuit by a pesky sheriff.

Buford T. Justice: [to his son] There's no way, *no* way that you came from *my* loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!
Buford T. Justice: Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a god-damn hurry.
Junior: My hat blew off, daddy.
Buford T. Justice: I hope your goddamn head was in it.
Buford T. Justice: [shouting at a trucker that has sheered a door off of Justice's patrol car] I saw that, you sombitch! You did that on purpose! You're going away till you're gray! I got the evidence!
Buford T. Justice: [speaks to Junior] Put the evidence in the car.
Junior: But Daddy...
Buford T. Justice: Put the *evidence* in the *car*!
[shouting to trucker again]
Buford T. Justice: I'm gonna barbeque yo' ass in molasses!
Alabama State Trooper: Did you see that? They went right through our roadblock!
Buford T. Justice: You som'bitches couldn't close an umbrella!
Sheriff Branford: The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
Buford T. Justice: The god damn Germans got nothin' to do with it.
[Communicating through the C.B. radio]
Bandit: Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
Buford T. Justice: Who there?
Bandit: This is Bandit Darville talkin'.
Buford T. Justice: Where are you, you sombitch?
Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog, 'cause I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
Buford T. Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOMBITCH?
Junior: [waiting for the "funeral procession] Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?
Buford T. Justice: If they'd a cremated the sum-bitch. I could be kickin' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now.
Carrie: You have a great profile.
Bandit: Yeah, I do, don't I? Especially from the side.
Carrie: Well, at least we agree on something.
Bandit: Yeah. We both like half of my face.
Bandit: [Bandit and Frog walking through the wooded area] When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the country you're standin' in... as to just how dumb you are.
Carrie: Mr Bandit, you have a lyrical way of cutting through the bullshit.
Bandit: And you have a unique way with the English language, Miss Frog.
Cledus Snow: I don't think my dog bit you, mister. 'Cause Fred definately DON'T like grease!
Bandit: For the good old American life: For the money, for the glory, and for the fun... mostly for the money.
Cledus Snow: [to Fred, his hound] He about as crazy as you are ugly!
Carrie: [after being given the handle of "Frog" by Bandit] Why?
Bandit: Because you're always hoppin around. And kinda you're cute, like a frog. And I'd like ta jump ya.
Bandit: [walks up the steps to Cletus's house, where his wife, whose hair is in huge curlers, is standing in the doorway] Well, well, well, hello, Beautiful.
[she stares at him with a stern look on her face]
Bandit: How about 'Gorgeous?'
Waynette Snow: You can't have him.
Bandit: Well, obviously, *you* can.
[indicates the gaggle of kids]
Bandit: What are you tryin' to do, start another race?
[pushes past her and into the house]
Waynette Snow: Look, you got Cledus in jail once! Leave us alone!
One of the Snow kids: [climbs on Bandit's back] Hi, Uncle Bandit!
Waynette Snow: He ain't your damned uncle!
[steps on the dog, who whimpers]
Waynette Snow: One of you damned kids, get this dog out of here!
[Bandit keeps walking toward the bedroom, where Cletus is sleeping]
Waynette Snow: Dammit, Bandit, *look at me!*
Bandit: [stops and turns wearily] I find it hard to look at you, Waynette, very hard. Especially when you've got those things in your hair. Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah.
Cledus Snow: You can't drive a fork lift.
Bandit: I can drive any forkin' thing around.
Buford T. Justice: What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Bandit: Oh I love your suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.
Georgia State Trooper: [during the final chase, the motorcycle cop has landed in a ditch with water] Son, don't you know this ain't Saturday?
Bandit: Sheriff... do the letters F.O mean anything to you?
Buford T. Justice: [putting C.B down] Sma't Alec!
Branford's Deputy: You know something Sheriff?
Sheriff Branford: What?
Branford's Deputy: If J.W. don't get outta my way I'm gonna pass him.
Sheriff Branford: Where in the woods? Listen I don't care if your dad is the mayor, you wreck this car; it's commin out of your pay.
Branford's Deputy: Yeah but Sheriff he's getting away.
Sheriff Branford: Son he's not going anywhere. The Mulberry Bridge has been dismantled for the past 6 months.
Buford T. Justice: Duck, or you're gonna be talkin' out yo ass!
Carrie: Would a cop taking a leak on the side of the road interest you?
Bandit: [looking] Yes it would... He was taking a 10-100
Carrie: Well that's better than a 10-*2*00
[both laugh]
[Regarding The Bandit in a hammock]
Big Enos: Son, you're looking at a legend.
Little Enos: I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot a like, daddy.
Bandit: Hold on, Now just wait a minute - just what do you need all that beer for anyway?
Little Enos: Because he's thirsty, dummy!
Buford T. Justice: And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway.
[begins to turn away, then returns]
Buford T. Justice: Oh, you can THINK about it... but don't do it!
Big Enos: Twenty to one I break the son of a bitch this time.
Little Enos: Gimme five-hundred on the Bandit.
Cledus Snow: Hey Bandit. Me an' Fred's got a question.
Bandit: What you an' Fred want?
Cledus Snow: How come we doin' this?
Bandit: Well why not?
Cledus Snow: Well they said it couldn't be done.
Bandit: Well thats the reason, son!
Cledus Snow: [shrugs] That's good with Fred. We're clear.
Bandit: [laughing] Ten-four
Little Enos: I think you're just a little bit scared.
Bandit: That's real good psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?
Little Enos: Your momma is so ugly...
Carrie: I think I just went 10-100.
Bandit: Well that's Better than 10-200.
Carrie: [a little flustered] Yes that's true.
[they both laugh]
[Bandit has just used a broken bridge to jump a river]
Carrie: That was great! I want to jump something else! I want to jump a car, or a house, I wanna jump something!
Bandit: [still shaking] Then jump me!
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: Bandit? This is Mr B., and I'm gearjammin' this rollin' refinery, you got another smokey on the rubber?
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: Come ahead, Bandit. We'll slip you into the rockin' chair, play a little hide-and-seek.
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: The welcome mat is out, and you're comin' home.
Bandit: What's a Texas sherrif doing in Arkansas?
Cledus Snow: I don't know.
Carrie: I don't know.
[Bandit looks at her]
Carrie: I don't know!
Bandit: [on the CB] Well who the heck knows?
Cledus Snow: I really don't know.
Buford T. Justice: One shit at a time!
Cledus Snow: [whistles]
[hears a police motorcycle siren]
Cledus Snow: Oh, no! Hey, Bandit, Hey, Bandit, listen to this!
Cledus Snow: [siren blares out of Bandit's CB] You know who that is? That be the Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'. You better flip-flop back here and gimme' a hand, son, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble. Please roger that transmission!
Bandit: Hold on to Fred, son! Here comes the cavalry!
Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it.
Bandit: And?
Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!
Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.
Bandit: [commenting on Carrie's legs] Well, Cowboys love fat calves.
Carrie: They're not fat!
Bandit: Well, they're bigger then mine.
Carrie: Do we really wanna talk about legs?
Bandit: Well, one of us does. Otherwise we...
Carrie: Smart ass.
Bandit: Well, go girl, go!
Carrie: [She is driving] I'm goin' I'm goin! I got the metal to the petal and the thing to the floor!
Bandit: New car. Gotta have a new car to block for the truck.
[watches as Little Enos begins counting out money]
Bandit: Speedy car.
[watches as Little Enos counts out more money]
Bandit: Speedier than that.
Little Enos: [mumbling] I'd like to kick his ass just once.
Buford T. Justice: Breaker, breaker for the Bandit.
Bandit: Come on back, breaker.
Buford T. Justice: Bandit I got a smokey report for you. Come on!
Bandit: Well, talk to me good buddy.
Buford T. Justice: You got trouble comin...
Bandit: Well what's your handle son, and what's your twenty?
Buford T. Justice: My handle's Smokey Bear and I'm tail-grabbin yo ass right now!
Carrie: Don't you ever take off that hat?
Bandit: I take my hat off for one thing, and one thing only.
Carrie: Oh...
Carrie: Take your hat off.
[Bandit looks stunned]
Carrie: If you want to...
Bandit: I want to.
Buford T. Justice: This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags.
Buford T. Justice: Hey boy, where's Sheriff Branford?
Sheriff Branford: I AM Sheriff Branford.
Buford T. Justice: Ooo, Hee-Hee. For some reason or another, you sounded a little taller on radio, hee-hee.
[last lines]
Junior: [running after Sheriff Justice's car] Daddy! Wait! Who's gonna hold your hat?
Buford T. Justice: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.
Junior: Except for that...
Buford T. Justice: Shut your ass.
Cledus Snow: [over CB about Carrie's dress] Hey, is she wearing a
Cledus Snow: *wedding dress*?
Bandit: [Carrie throws dress out of the car since she has changed into jeans and a shirt] She was.
Cledus Snow: What's she wearing now? Come back. Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that girl's got on. Her mind!
[laughs Earthily]
Cledus Snow: 10-4.
Cledus Snow: You know who that is? That be the Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'.
Little Beaver, Lady Truck Driver: Hey Bandit! This is Little Beaver... Put your foot on the floor, we got your backdoor and I'm clear!
Bandit: Cledus, get the money.
Cledus Snow: Yeah, how 'bout the money?
Little Enos: How 'bout double or nothin'?
Cledus Snow: How 'bout forgettin' it?
Bandit: Wait a minute. What about double or nothin'?
Little Enos: You run up to Boston, and bring back some clam chowder for me and my daddy.
Carrie: You're on.
Bandit: Uh, you're on.
Big Enos: In 18 hours?
Bandit: You're still on.
Cledus Snow: WHAT? You're *crazy*! And I'm *divorced*!
Cledus Snow: Atlanta to Texarkana and back in twenty eight hours? That ain't never been done before, not in no rig.
Bandit: That's cause *we* ain't never done it in no rig. You got to stop thinkin so negative son, we aint not never made it yet have we?
Cledus Snow: Well no...
Bandit: Well alright.
[hops up into trailer]
Buford T. Justice: Hey, boy, where is Sheriff Bradford? I AM Sheriff BRANford Hee hee For some reason, you sound a little taller on radio.
[Turns to his son]
Buford T. Justice: What in the hell is the world coming to?
[after kicking one of the car thieves in the rear]
Buford T. Justice: That's an attention-getter.
Carrie: I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.
Cledus Snow: Hey, we really ought to pay somebody for that mess we made.
Bandit: [Hands Cledus notepad and pen] I got that all figured out. Just tell em to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.
[Gets in car and drives off]
Cledus Snow: [writing a note] Send bill to Big Enos Burdette; Burdette; B, Ber, B-u-r...
[sees Bandit take off]
Cledus Snow: Hell, I got to go!
[leaves without finishing note]
Bandit: Now, gettin' to Texarkana and back in 28 hours, that's no problem.
Little Enos: It ain't never been done before, hot shit.
Bandit: Watch your language, little lady.
Bandit: Snowman, you got your ears on?
Cledus Snow: You lucky devil, you got him! Where the hell are you?
Big Enos: Any fool who would paint his truck like this would show up at a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.
Cledus Snow: Whoa!
[to Bandit over the CB]
Cledus Snow: I just passed another Kojak with a Kodak, this place is crawling with bears, where the hell are you?
Bandit: What do you think they do for excitement in this town?
Cledus Snow: Probably sit around and watch the cars rust.
Buford T. Justice: [shouting out of a restaurant to Junior waiting in the car] You want something?
Junior: Hushpuppies, Daddy!
Buford T. Justice: We got no time for that crap!
[mutters under his breath]
Buford T. Justice: Dumb sumbitch...
Buford T. Justice: [while stuck in traffic] What the hell is this, a drive-in movie?
Buford T. Justice: [Sheriff Justice honks the horn, which malfunctions, and Junior reaches for the wheel] Get off of there, you Moose twit!
Buford T. Justice: Do what I say you pile a' monkey nuts!
Bandit: You chasin' somebody Sheriff? Somebody chasin' you?
Buford T. Justice: Nobody's chasin' me, boy!
Junior: Daddy, the top came off.
Buford T. Justice: No shit.
Cledus Snow: [Buford's car runs in front of Cledus' truck]
[to bandit over the CB]
Cledus Snow: Hoss, you ain't gonna believe this, but that crazy sombitch just tried to drive right up under my truck!
Georgia State Trooper: [during the final chase, the motorcycle cop has landed in a ditch with water] Son, don't you know this ain't saturday?
Buford T. Justice: What the hell is the world coming to?
Bandit: What the hell was that?
Carrie: A left. Or a half a U.
Buford T. Justice: Just keep your eye out for that Mr. Bandit bastard!
Buford T. Justice: If you're gonna hang out in places like this, wear a badge on your didey
Junior: Daddy, the top came off!
Buford T. Justice: No shit!
Cledus Snow: Besides, I can't go with you. I got to go to Conyers in the morning and pick up a load of manure.
Bandit: Shitty job.
Bandit: You must be in a hell of a hurry, huh, Sheriff?
Buford T. Justice: You bet your ass on that, boy.
Buford T. Justice: You sum bitch. You did that on purpose. You're going away 'till you're gray. I got the evidence.

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