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The Bandit is hired on to run a tractor trailer full of beer over county lines in hot pursuit by a pesky sheriff.
Buford T. Justice: [to his son] There's no way, *no* way that you came from *my* loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!
Buford T. Justice: Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a god-damn hurry.
Junior: My hat blew off, daddy. Buford T. Justice: I hope your goddamn head was in it.
Alabama State Trooper: Did you see that? They went right through our roadblock! Buford T. Justice: You som'bitches couldn't close an umbrella!
Sheriff Branford: The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation. Buford T. Justice: The god damn Germans got nothin' to do with it.
Buford T. Justice: [shouting at a trucker that has sheered a door off of Justice's patrol car] I saw that, you sombitch! You did that on purpose! You're going away till you're gray! I got the evidence! Buford T. Justice: [speaks to Junior] Put the evidence in the car. Junior: But Daddy... Buford T. Justice: Put the *evidence* in the *car*! [shouting to trucker again] Buford T. Justice: I'm gonna barbeque yo' ass in molasses!
Junior: [waiting for the "funeral procession] Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he? Buford T. Justice: If they'd a cremated the sum-bitch. I could be kickin' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now.
[Communicating through the C.B. radio] Bandit: Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please. Buford T. Justice: Who there? Bandit: This is Bandit Darville talkin'. Buford T. Justice: Where are you, you sombitch? Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog, 'cause I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that. Buford T. Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOMBITCH?
Bandit: [Bandit and Frog walking through the wooded area] When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the country you're standin' in... as to just how dumb you are. Carrie: Mr Bandit, you have a lyrical way of cutting through the bullshit. Bandit: And you have a unique way with the English language, Miss Frog.
Cledus Snow: I don't think my dog bit you, mister. 'Cause Fred definately DON'T like grease!
Carrie: You have a great profile. Bandit: Yeah, I do, don't I? Especially from the side. Carrie: Well, at least we agree on something. Bandit: Yeah. We both like half of my face.
Carrie: [after being given the handle of "Frog" by Bandit] Why? Bandit: Because you're always hoppin around. And kinda you're cute, like a frog. And I'd like ta jump ya.
Bandit: [walks up the steps to Cletus's house, where his wife, whose hair is in huge curlers, is standing in the doorway] Well, well, well, hello, Beautiful. [she stares at him with a stern look on her face] Bandit: How about 'Gorgeous?' Waynette Snow: You can't have him. Bandit: Well, obviously, *you* can. [indicates the gaggle of kids] Bandit: What are you tryin' to do, start another race? [pushes past her and into the house] Waynette Snow: Look, you got Cledus in jail once! Leave us alone! One of the Snow kids: [climbs on Bandit's back] Hi, Uncle Bandit! Waynette Snow: He ain't your damned uncle! [steps on the dog, who whimpers] Waynette Snow: One of you damned kids, get this dog out of here! [Bandit keeps walking toward the bedroom, where Cletus is sleeping] Waynette Snow: Dammit, Bandit, *look at me!* Bandit: [stops and turns wearily] I find it hard to look at you, Waynette, very hard. Especially when you've got those things in your hair. Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah.
Bandit: For the good old American life: For the money, for the glory, and for the fun... mostly for the money.
Cledus Snow: [to Fred, his hound] He about as crazy as you are ugly!
Buford T. Justice: What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Bandit: Oh I love your suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.
Georgia State Trooper: [during the final chase, the motorcycle cop has landed in a ditch with water] Son, don't you know this ain't Saturday?
Bandit: Sheriff... do the letters F.O mean anything to you? Buford T. Justice: [putting C.B down] Sma't Alec!
Branford's Deputy: You know something Sheriff? Sheriff Branford: What? Branford's Deputy: If J.W. don't get outta my way I'm gonna pass him. Sheriff Branford: Where in the woods? Listen I don't care if your dad is the mayor, you wreck this car; it's commin out of your pay. Branford's Deputy: Yeah but Sheriff he's getting away. Sheriff Branford: Son he's not going anywhere. The Mulberry Bridge has been dismantled for the past 6 months.
Buford T. Justice: Duck, or you're gonna be talkin' out yo ass!
Carrie: Would a cop taking a leak on the side of the road interest you? Bandit: [looking] Yes it would... He was taking a 10-100 Carrie: Well that's better than a 10-*2*00 [both laugh]
[Regarding The Bandit in a hammock] Big Enos: Son, you're looking at a legend. Little Enos: I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot a like, daddy.
Bandit: Hold on, Now just wait a minute - just what do you need all that beer for anyway? Little Enos: Because he's thirsty, dummy!
Buford T. Justice: And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway. [begins to turn away, then returns] Buford T. Justice: Oh, you can THINK about it... but don't do it!
Cledus Snow: You can't drive a fork lift. Bandit: I can drive any forkin' thing around.
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: Bandit? This is Mr B., and I'm gearjammin' this rollin' refinery, you got another smokey on the rubber? Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: Come ahead, Bandit. We'll slip you into the rockin' chair, play a little hide-and-seek. Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: The welcome mat is out, and you're comin' home.
Bandit: What's a Texas sherrif doing in Arkansas? Cledus Snow: I don't know. Carrie: I don't know. [Bandit looks at her] Carrie: I don't know! Bandit: [on the CB] Well who the heck knows? Cledus Snow: I really don't know.
[Bandit has just used a broken bridge to jump a river] Carrie: That was great! I want to jump something else! I want to jump a car, or a house, I wanna jump something! Bandit: [still shaking] Then jump me!
Buford T. Justice: One shit at a time!
Cledus Snow: [whistles] [hears a police motorcycle siren] Cledus Snow: Oh, no! Hey, Bandit, Hey, Bandit, listen to this! Cledus Snow: [siren blares out of Bandit's CB] You know who that is? That be the Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'. You better flip-flop back here and gimme' a hand, son, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble. Please roger that transmission! Bandit: Hold on to Fred, son! Here comes the cavalry!
Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it. Bandit: And? Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother! Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.
Bandit: Well, go girl, go! Carrie: [She is driving] I'm goin' I'm goin! I got the metal to the petal and the thing to the floor!
Bandit: New car. Gotta have a new car to block for the truck. [watches as Little Enos begins counting out money] Bandit: Speedy car. [watches as Little Enos counts out more money] Bandit: Speedier than that. Little Enos: [mumbling] I'd like to kick his ass just once.
Bandit: [commenting on Carrie's legs] Well, Cowboys love fat calves. Carrie: They're not fat! Bandit: Well, they're bigger then mine. Carrie: Do we really wanna talk about legs? Bandit: Well, one of us does. Otherwise we... Carrie: Smart ass.
Buford T. Justice: Breaker, breaker for the Bandit. Bandit: Come on back, breaker. Buford T. Justice: Bandit I got a smokey report for you. Come on! Bandit: Well, talk to me good buddy. Buford T. Justice: You got trouble comin... Bandit: Well what's your handle son, and what's your twenty? Buford T. Justice: My handle's Smokey Bear and I'm tail-grabbin yo ass right now!
Carrie: Don't you ever take off that hat? Bandit: I take my hat off for one thing, and one thing only. Carrie: Oh... [beat] Carrie: Take your hat off. [Bandit looks stunned] Carrie: If you want to... Bandit: I want to.
Buford T. Justice: Hey boy, where's Sheriff Branford? Sheriff Branford: I AM Sheriff Branford. Buford T. Justice: Ooo, Hee-Hee. For some reason or another, you sounded a little taller on radio, hee-hee.
Buford T. Justice: This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags.
[last lines] Junior: [running after Sheriff Justice's car] Daddy! Wait! Who's gonna hold your hat?
Buford T. Justice: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker. Junior: Except for that... Buford T. Justice: Shut your ass.
Cledus Snow: [over CB about Carrie's dress] Hey, is she wearing a [pause] Cledus Snow: *wedding dress*? Bandit: [Carrie throws dress out of the car since she has changed into jeans and a shirt] She was. Cledus Snow: What's she wearing now? Come back. Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that girl's got on. Her mind! [laughs Earthily] Cledus Snow: 10-4.
Cledus Snow: You know who that is? That be the Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'.
Bandit: Cledus, get the money. Cledus Snow: Yeah, how 'bout the money? Little Enos: How 'bout double or nothin'? Cledus Snow: How 'bout forgettin' it? Bandit: Wait a minute. What about double or nothin'? Little Enos: You run up to Boston, and bring back some clam chowder for me and my daddy. Carrie: You're on. Bandit: Uh, you're on. Big Enos: In 18 hours? Bandit: You're still on. Cledus Snow: WHAT? You're *crazy*! And I'm *divorced*!
Little Beaver, Lady Truck Driver: Hey Bandit! This is Little Beaver... Put your foot on the floor, we got your backdoor and I'm clear!
Cledus Snow: Atlanta to Texarkana and back in twenty eight hours? That ain't never been done before, not in no rig. Bandit: That's cause *we* ain't never done it in no rig. You got to stop thinkin so negative son, we aint not never made it yet have we? Cledus Snow: Well no... Bandit: Well alright. [hops up into trailer]
Big Enos: Twenty to one I break the son of a bitch this time. Little Enos: Gimme five-hundred on the Bandit.
Cledus Snow: Hey Bandit. Me an' Fred's got a question. Bandit: What you an' Fred want? Cledus Snow: How come we doin' this? Bandit: Well why not? Cledus Snow: Well they said it couldn't be done. Bandit: Well thats the reason, son! Cledus Snow: [shrugs] That's good with Fred. We're clear. Bandit: [laughing] Ten-four
Little Enos: I think you're just a little bit scared. Bandit: That's real good psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother? Little Enos: Your momma is so ugly...
Carrie: I think I just went 10-100. Bandit: Well that's Better than 10-200. Carrie: [a little flustered] Yes that's true. [they both laugh]
Buford T. Justice: [shouting out of a restaurant to Junior waiting in the car] You want something? Junior: Hushpuppies, Daddy! Buford T. Justice: We got no time for that crap! [mutters under his breath] Buford T. Justice: Dumb sumbitch...
Buford T. Justice: [while stuck in traffic] What the hell is this, a drive-in movie? Buford T. Justice: [Sheriff Justice honks the horn, which malfunctions, and Junior reaches for the wheel] Get off of there, you Moose twit!
Buford T. Justice: Do what I say you pile a' monkey nuts!
Bandit: You chasin' somebody Sheriff? Somebody chasin' you? Buford T. Justice: Nobody's chasin' me, boy!
Junior: Daddy, the top came off. Buford T. Justice: No shit.
Cledus Snow: [Buford's car runs in front of Cledus' truck] [to bandit over the CB] Cledus Snow: Hoss, you ain't gonna believe this, but that crazy sombitch just tried to drive right up under my truck!
Georgia State Trooper: [during the final chase, the motorcycle cop has landed in a ditch with water] Son, don't you know this ain't saturday?
Buford T. Justice: What the hell is the world coming to?
Buford T. Justice: Just keep your eye out for that Mr. Bandit bastard!
Bandit: What the hell was that? Carrie: A left. Or a half a U.
Buford T. Justice: If you're gonna hang out in places like this, wear a badge on your didey
Junior: Daddy, the top came off! Buford T. Justice: No shit!
Bandit: You must be in a hell of a hurry, huh, Sheriff? Buford T. Justice: You bet your ass on that, boy.
Cledus Snow: Besides, I can't go with you. I got to go to Conyers in the morning and pick up a load of manure. Bandit: Shitty job.
Buford T. Justice: You sum bitch. You did that on purpose. You're going away 'till you're gray. I got the evidence.
[after kicking one of the car thieves in the rear] Buford T. Justice: That's an attention-getter.
Buford T. Justice: Hey, boy, where is Sheriff Bradford? I AM Sheriff BRANford Hee hee For some reason, you sound a little taller on radio. [Turns to his son] Buford T. Justice: What in the hell is the world coming to?
Carrie: I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.
Cledus Snow: Hey, we really ought to pay somebody for that mess we made. Bandit: [Hands Cledus notepad and pen] I got that all figured out. Just tell em to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette. [Gets in car and drives off] Cledus Snow: [writing a note] Send bill to Big Enos Burdette; Burdette; B, Ber, B-u-r... [sees Bandit take off] Cledus Snow: Hell, I got to go! [leaves without finishing note]
Bandit: Now, gettin' to Texarkana and back in 28 hours, that's no problem. Little Enos: It ain't never been done before, hot shit. Bandit: Watch your language, little lady.
Big Enos: Any fool who would paint his truck like this would show up at a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.
Bandit: Snowman, you got your ears on? Cledus Snow: You lucky devil, you got him! Where the hell are you?
Cledus Snow: Whoa! [to Bandit over the CB] Cledus Snow: I just passed another Kojak with a Kodak, this place is crawling with bears, where the hell are you?
Bandit: What do you think they do for excitement in this town? Cledus Snow: Probably sit around and watch the cars rust.
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