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When two musicians witness a mob hit, they flee the state in an all female band disguised as women, but further complications set in.
[last lines] Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all. Osgood: Why not? Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde. Osgood: Doesn't matter. Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time! Osgood: I don't care. Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player. Osgood: I forgive you. Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children! Osgood: We can adopt some. Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh... [Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig] Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man! Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect! [Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]
Jerry: Have I got things to tell you! Joe: What happened? Jerry: I'm engaged. Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl? Jerry: I am!
Junior: Syncopators. Does that mean you play that very fast music... jazz? Sugar: Yeah. Real Hot. Junior: I guess some like it hot. I personally prefer classical music.
Osgood: I am Osgood Fielding the third. Daphne: I'm Cinderella the second.
[at the booking office, trying to be hired] Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway? Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five. Jerry: We could pass for that. Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde. Jerry: We could dye our hair. Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls. Jerry: We could... Joe: No, we couldn't!
Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy. Jerry: I'm a boy. Joe: That's the boy. Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present? Joe: What engagement present? Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet. Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds! Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne? Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.
Osgood: [referring to his mother] Right now, she thinks I'm out there on my yacht - deep sea fishing! Daphne: Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding, you're barking up the wrong fish!
Sugar: If my mother could only see me now. Joe: I hope *my* mother never finds out.
Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye! Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something? Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.
Sugar: [on marrying well] I don't care how rich he is, as long as he has a yacht, his own private railroad car, and his own toothpaste.
Joe: There's another problem. Jerry: Like what? Joe: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon? Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.
Mulligan: What happened here? Little Bonaparte: [referring to Spats and his thugs] There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them. Mulligan: My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room until I get the recipe. Little Bonaparte: You wanna make a federal case of it? Mulligan: [grabs the speaker of Little Bonaparte's hearing aid] Yeah!
Osgood: You must be quite a girl. Daphne: Wanna bet?
Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
Joe: But, you're *not* a girl! You're a *guy*, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy? Jerry: Security!
Sugar: [singing] I wanna be loved by you, just you, nobody else but you. I wanna be loved by you alo-o-one. Boop boop e doo.
Sugar: Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous? Junior: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.
Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time. Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't? Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn! Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...? Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows. Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
Jerry: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!
Sugar: Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!
Sugar: [pouring bourbon into paper cup] Turn the lights on. Daphne: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party. Sugar: But I might spill some. Daphne: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party. Sugar: What's the surprise? Daphne: Not yet. Sugar: When? Daphne: Better have a drink first. Sugar: There. That'll put hair on your chest. Daphne: No fair guessing.
Junior: [Kissing] I think you're on the right track. Sugar: I must be. Your glasses are beginning to steam up.
Toothpick Charlie: Look, chief, I better blow 'cause if Columbo sees me, it's gonna be "Goodbye Charlie!" Mulligan: Goodbye, Charlie.
Sweet Sue: Idiot broads! Here we are, all packed, ready to leave for Miami, and what happens? The saxophone runs off with a Bible salesman, and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant! Beinstock, I ought to fire you! Beinstock: Me? I'm the manager of the band, not the night watchman.
Sugar: Been waiting long? Junior: [gallantly] It's not how long you wait, it's who you're waiting for!
Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter. Joe: Watch it, Daphne! Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie... Joe: Look, Stoop... Daphne: And cherry tart... Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened! Joe: What? Sugar: Guess. Joe: They repealed prohibition? Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that. Sugar: I met one of them. Joe: One of whom? Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht! Joe: You don't say. Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!
Sugar: Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Jerry: We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!
Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business. Daphne: Is that so? Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money. Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows? Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times. Daphne: You're not sure? Osgood: Mama is keeping score.
Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it! Joe: Done what? Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!
Spats Colombo: [to coin-flipping wise guy] Where did you pick up that cheap trick?
Sugar: Oh, Daphne, how can I ever repay you? Jerry: Oh, I can think of a million things. [Sugar gets into bed with him] Jerry: And that's one of them!
[Jerry sees Joe impersonating a wealthy yachtsman to flirt with Sugar] Sugar: [to Joe] This is my friend Daphne, she's a Vassar girl. Daphne: I'm a what? Sugar: Or was it Bryn Mawr? Junior: [firmly to Jerry] I heard a very sad story about a girl that went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate... and they found her strangled with her own brazier! Daphne: Yes, we've got to be very careful who we choose for a roommate.
Sugar: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there] Well I'll be back later. Jerry: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute. Sugar: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing. Jerry: Yeah, this is one for Ripley. Sugar: Do you suppose she went shopping? Jerry: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!
Joe: [to Spats, about the murders they just witnessed] We didn't see anything. Did we? Jerry: No! [laughs nervously] Jerry: Nothing. Besides, it's none of our business if you guys wanna bump each other off, we don't - [Joe nudges him to shut him up]
Mulligan: You better bring a check in case the joint is raided. Waiter: Who's gonna raid a funeral? Mulligan: Some people got no respect for the dead.
Spats Colombo: [when his speakeasy is raided] What's the rap this time? Mulligan: Embalming people with coffee - 86 proof.
Jerry: Oh, why did I let you talk me into this? Joe: I thought you weren't speaking to me.
Osgood: [to the elevator operator] All right, driver, once around the park, slowly, and keep your eyes on the road.
Little Bonaparte: [thick Italian accent] Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's been ten years since I elected myself president of dis organization... an' if I say so myself, you made duh right choice. Let's look at duh record: In duh lass fissel year we made a hundred an' twelve million dollars before taxes... only we didn't pay no taxes!
Spats Colombo: Hello, copper. What brings you to Miami? Mulligan: Heard you "opera lovers" were having a convention, so I thought I'd better be around in case anybody decided to sing.
Joe: I feel a funny sensation in my toes. Like someone is barbecuing them over a fire.
Sugar: [admiring a large fish trophy] What is it? Junior: It's a member of the herring family. Sugar: A herring? Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars? Junior: They shrink when they're marinated.
Joe: [apologizing because the motor boat will only move backwards] I'm afraid it may take a little longer. Sugar: It's not how long it takes, it's who's taking you.
Joe: We won't breathe a word! Spats Colombo: You won't breathe nothin' - not even air.
Joe: I never knew it could be like this! Sugar: Thank you. Joe: They told me I was kaput, finished, all washed up. And here you are making a chump out of all those experts. Sugar: Mineral baths, now really! Joe: Where did you learn to kiss like that? Sugar: I used to sell kisses for the milk fund.
Junior: Look, if all you're interested in is whether I am married or not... Sugar: Oh, I'm not interested at all. Junior: Well, I'm not. Sugar: That's very interesting!
Joe: [to Sugar] The ship is in ship-shape shape.
Sugar: It's me, Sugar!
Joe - 'Josephine': [to Daphne] . What are you afraid of? No-one's asking you to have a baby!
Daphne: [in the berth, with the lady band members passing food around and a corkscrew's been brought] Girls, keep it down! You'll wake up the neighbours downstairs, now Josephine... WATCH THAT CORKSCREW!
[Jerry and Joe are in the elevator with Spats and his goons] Spats' Henchman: Excuse me, ain't I had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before? Jerry: Oh, no. You must be thinking of two other broads.
Sweet Sue: Are you two from the Poliakoff agency? Joe: Yes, we're the new girls. Daphne: Brand new!
Mulligan: You shave with your spats on? Spats Colombo: I sleep with my spats on.
Sugar: Don't fight it.
[first lines] Mulligan: All right, Charlie; that the joint? Toothpick Charlie: Yes, sir. Mulligan: Who runs it? Toothpick Charlie: I already told you. Mulligan: Refresh my memory. Toothpick Charlie: Spats Columbo. Mulligan: That's very refreshing; what's the password? Toothpick Charlie: "I've come to Grandma's funeral." Here's your admission card. [he gives Mulligan a mourning armband] Mulligan: Thanks, Charlie. Toothpick Charlie: Now if you want a ringside table, just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers. Mulligan: OK, Charlie.
Daphne: [after meeting the dipsomaniac Sugar] How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?
Joe: [referring to Jerry] He has an empty stomach and it's gone to his head.
Joe: We didn't see anything! Jerry: We didn't hear anything either!
Bouncer: [examining a golf bag] What's in here? Spats' Henchman: My golf clubs. The putter, niblick, number three iron... Bouncer: [pulling out a Tommy sub-machine gun] What's this? Spats' Henchman: My mashie!
Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator, so what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?
Beinstock: [as Daphne falls up the train steps] . Whoops-a-daisy! [smacks his bottom] Daphne: Fresh!
Sugar: I come from this musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor. Joe: Where did he conduct? Sugar: On the Baltimore and Ohio.
Sugar: [on the yacht Junior's pretending he owns] Which is the port and which is the starboard? Junior: Well that depends. That depends on whether you're coming or going. I mean, *normally*, normally, the aft is on the other side of the stern. But - And that's the bridge, so you can get from one side of the boat to the other.
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