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Michael Jordan agrees to help the Looney Toons play a basketball game vs. alien slavers to determine their freedom.
Michael Jordan: What's going on here? Bugs: Why Michael! I thought you'd never ask! You see these aliens come from outer space and they wanna make us slaves for their theme park. Eh, what do we care? They're little, so we challenge them to a basketball game! But then they show up and they ain't so little, [shouts] Bugs: they're huge! We need to beat these guys, 'cause they're talking about slavery! The same jokes every night for all etoinity! We're going to be locked up like wild animals and then trotted out to peform for a bunch of lowbrow, bug-eyed, bad-headed, humor-challenged *aliens!* Eh, what I'm trying to say is... [shouts] Bugs: we need your heeeeeeeelllp! Michael Jordan: Yeah, but I'm a baseball player now! Bugs: Right. [gets out rabbit skull] Bugs: And I'm a Shakespearean actor.
Bill Murray: It's 'cause I'm white, isn't it? Michael Jordan: No. Larry's white, so what? Bill Murray: Larry's not white. Larry's clear.
Charles Barkley: It was this girl, five-feet-nuthin'. Blocked my shot! Psychiatrist: When did you first start having this dream? Charles Barkley: It wasn't a dream, it really happened!
[Stan is digging up the golf hole that Michael got sucked down] Golfer: What are you doing? Stan Podalak: I'm uh, I'm fixing a divot. Golfer: Oh. [shouting back to someone off camera] Golfer: He's fixing a divot!
Daffy: Just how did you get here, anyway? Bill Murray: Producer's a friend of mine. He sent a Teamster to drop me off. Daffy: Aha. Well, that's the way it goes.
Michael Jordan: Whatever you do, don't forget my North Carolina shorts. Daffy Duck: Your shorts? From college? Michael Jordan: I wore them under my Chicago Bulls uniform every game. Looney Tunes: Eeewwww! Michael Jordan: Hey! I washed them after every game! Sylvester: Sure... Michael Jordan: I did!
Daffy Duck: You think she's got enough toys? Bugs: Speaking of toys, remember those mugs and t-shoits and lunchboxes with our pictures on 'em? Daffy Duck: Yeah. Bugs: You ever see any money from all that stuff? Daffy Duck: Hah, not a cent! Bugs: Hmm... me neither. Daffy Duck: [sighs] It's a crying shame. We gotta get new agents, we're gettin' screwed!
Bugs: You wanna play a little one on one, doll? Lola Bunny: [angrily, with fire in her eyes] Doll? Bugs: [with hearts over his head] Uh huh. Lola Bunny: On the court, *Bugs*. Bugs: Sure. Tweety Bird: Ooo, she's hot. [Touches his rear and steam appears with a hissing sound] Lola Bunny: [starts dribbling] Ready? Bugs: Yes. [she gets past him] Bugs: I got it, I got it! [she spins around him, he winds up into a knot and she makes a basket] Michael Jordan: The girl's got skills. Bugs: [Lola comes over to him seductively] Yes? Lola Bunny: Don't ever call me "doll". [blows her ears out of her face] Bugs: Check. Lola Bunny: [as she is leaving] Nice playin' with ya. Michael Jordan: Very smooth. Bugs: Ahh, she's obviously nuts about me. Michael Jordan: Obviously.
Monstar Bupkus: That's mine! Bugs: [stealing the ball] Not today.
Daffy: How's this for a new team name: The Ducks! Bugs: Please! What kind of Mickey Mouse organization would name their team The Ducks?
Shawn Bradley: I've got other skills. I could go back and work on the farm. Or maybe... I could go back to the jungle and be a missionary again.
[saying a prayer] Charles Barkley: I promise I'll never swear again. I'll never get another technical. I'll never trash talk... [later] Charles Barkley: I won't go out with Madonna again.
Sylvester: Suffering succotash! Sylvester: What's wrong with you? Sylvester: Let's get a ladder... wait till the old lady's gone... and grab that little bird!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the starting lineup for the Toon Squad: Standing two foot four, The Wonder from Down Under: The Tasmanian Devil! [Taz squeezes two balls in his mouth, pops them, and spins around] Announcer: At small forward: standing a scintillating three foot two, The Heartthrob of the Hoops: Lola Bunny! [Lola dribbles and spins the ball on her finger] Announcer: At power forward, The Quackster of the Court: Daffy Duck! Daffy Duck: Thank you! Thank you! [Silence from the audience, crickets chirping] Daffy Duck: [disappointed, but sarcastically] Very funny. Leth's all laugh at the duck! Announcer: And the point guard, standing three foot three, four feet if you include the ears, Co-captain of the toon squad, the Doctor of Delight: Bugs Bunny! Bugs: Thank you! Thank you! Announcer: And now, the player coach of the Toon Squad, at six foot six from North Carolina, his Royal Airness: Michael Jordan!
Bugs: Look at our facilities. Daffy: We've got hoops! Elmer Fudd: We've got weights! Sylvester: We've got balls! Michael Jordan: You sure do. This place is a mess.
Daffy Duck: Mother!
Taz: Lemony fresh!
Foghorn Leghorn: Did you order the Original Recipe or Extra Crispy?
Michael Jordan: [after winning the game] Thanks guys, you got a lot of... a lot of... well, whatever it is, you got a lot of it.
Tweety Bird: I tought I taw - I did! I did! I did tee Michael Jordan!
Stan Podalak: Let me help! Let me help! I can help! I can help! Michael Jordan: What can you do? Stan Podalak: Well, I may not be very tall, but... I'm slow. Sylvester: And large. Daffy Duck: And a dork.
[One of the Monstars hurts Tweety] Michael Jordan: [to Tweety] Are you OK? Monstar Blanko: Yeah, are you OK? [the other Monstars gets angry at him] Monstar Blanko: Oops!
Female Seer: [while the Nerdlucks, hiding in a trench coat, watch Charles Barkley in the game] Sweetheart? Male Fan: What? Female Seer: Thought you were gonna get better seats this year. Male Fan: This is as good as I could get. Female Seer: This guy next to me is doing something very weird in his raincoat. Male Fan: Honey, will you just let me watch the game? Barkley's killing us!
[first lines] James Jordan: Michael? What are you doin', son? It's after midnight. Michael Jordan at 10: I can't sleep, Paps. James Jordan: Well, neither can we with all that noise you're making. C'mon, let's go inside. Michael Jordan at 10: Just one more shot? James Jordan: All right, just one.
Stan Podalak: The mouse? He picked the mouse?
Michael Jordan: Hey, Bugs? Bugs: Yeah, Mike. Michael Jordan: Stay out of trouble. Bugs: [to Lola] You know I will. [Lola laughs] Bugs: Show me! [he grabs her and kisses her on the lips, she howls and then quickly changes to the next scene by pulling it down over them like a window shade]
Nerdluck Bang: We seek the one they call Bugs Bunny. Nerdluck Nawt: Yeah, Bugs Bunny. Nerdluck Bupkus: Have you seen him? Nerdluck Blanko: Is he around? Bugs: Hmmm... Bugs Bunny... Bugs Bunny... Say, don't he have, uh, great big long ears... [pulls his ears] Bugs: like this? Nerdlucks: Yeah. Bugs: And does he hop around like this? [hops around the forrest] Nerdlucks: Uh-huh. Bugs: And does he say, "What's up, doc?" like this? [chomps carrot] Bugs: Eh, what's up, doc? Nerdlucks: [excited] YEAH! Bugs: [leaves] Nope, never heard of him. Nerdlucks: Aw... Bugs: [to the audience] Y'know, maybe there *is* no intelligent life out there in the univoise after all.
Tweety Bird: Those Monstars'd wished they'd been never born!
[Tweety Bird flies through a hole that's just been shot in Sylvester] Tweety Bird: Holey puddy-tat!
Bill Murray: Okay, here's how I see it. Duck? Daffy Duck: Yes. Bill Murray: You kick it in to the girl bunny. Down in the post. Then you dish it back out to the guy bunny. Lola Bunny: Got it. Bill Murray: Swing it around to Mike, over here. You go to the hole and dominate! Michael Jordan: Bill! We're on defense! Bill Murray: Whoa ho ho! I don't play defense. Okay, you're gonna have to listen to Mike on this guys, listen up. Michael Jordan: Okay, somebody steal the ball, give it to me, and I'll score before time runs out. Bill Murray: Don't lose that confidence, okay, paws and wings in here, all right!
Daffy Duck: Too bad you can't practice getting taller, boys.
Lola Bunny: [Bugs has just been squashed after pushing Lola out of the way] Bugs, Bugs, are you okay? Bugs: Oh, I'm fine. Lola Bunny: Oh Bugs, thank you. Bugs: Aww, it was nothin'. Lola Bunny: That was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. [she kisses him and his eyes eyes turn into hearts]
Daffy Duck: Very funny. Leth's all laugh at the duck.
[Bill Murray enters the court as a substitution] Mr. Swackhammer: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't know Dan Aykroyd was in this picture!
[last lines] Larry Bird: What's the matter, Bill? Bill Murray: [after seeing Michael's fancy return to the NBA] Larry, that could have been me. Larry Bird: Would you get over it? It's over. It's done with. You can't play. Bill Murray: Okay. [voice breaking with emotion] Bill Murray: Let's go, Bulls!
Michael Jordan: Let's do some drills.
Daffy Duck: But Mommy, I don't want to go to school today. I wanna stay home and bake cookies with you!
[Stan prepares to take a picture of Michael after the hole in one] Stan Podalak: Let me get a picture of this. All right, here we go, you want to smile. You reach in, you reach in for the ball and then you smile. OK? Michael Jordan: Yes. Stan Podalak: And you think this is good. Michael Jordan: Just take the picture! Stan Podalak: All right. [a rope comes out of the hole and pulls Michael in] Bill Murray: [after a pause] What kind of camera is that? Stan Podalak: It's just a Bill Murray: [interrupts] Would you not point it at me please and close the lens cap? Stan Podalak: I didn't do anything! I just took... Larry Bird: Where'd he go?
Bill Murray: Larry, I'm gonna give us both twos back there. We weren't in any emotional state to putt.
Daffy Duck: [after Stan enters the Toon Squad dressing room burned to a crisp by the Monstars] Looks like Stan just had a close encounter with a bug zapper.
Bill Murray: It is alive!
Woman Fan: This guy next to me is doing something very weird in his raincoat.
Stan Podalak: C'mon, Michael! It's game time! Get your Hanes on, lace up your Nikes, grab your Wheaties and your Gatorade, and we'll pick up a Big Mac on the way to the ballpark.
Player: That was a strike-out, Mike. But that was a good-looking strike-out. Real good. Player: I mean, you look good when you strike out, man. When I strike out, it looks nasty, man. But at least you look good, man.
Daffy Duck: Oh, fear clutches my breast!
Michael Jordan: Someone has to go to my house and pick up my basketball gear. Daffy: To your house? In 3-D land?
[the Monstars arrive at the gym] Monstar Bupkus: I'm here! Monstar Blanko: Me too. [he hits his head on a backboard, then puts his hands over most of his face] Monstar Blanko: That hurt!
Muggsy Bogues: What are you saying? That I'm trying to disobey my mama? Psychiatrist: I didn't say that. You did, Muggsy. Muggsy Bogues: But I love my mama.
Mr. Swackhammer: [after the Monstars have lost] Losers! Monstars: Sorry. Mr. Swackhammer: Choke artists! Monstars: Sorry again. Mr. Swackhammer: Wait'll I get you back on Moron Mountain!
Mr. Swackhammer: [after berating them for losing to the Looney Tunes] Alright, the party's over! Get in the spaceship! Michael Jordan: [to the Monstars] Why are you taking from this guy? Monstar Bupkus: Because he's bigger! Monstar Pound: He's bigger? Monstar Bang: Then, we *used* to be... Mr. Swackhammer: [the Monstars realize they are now bigger than Swackhammer and look at him menacingly] What are you doing? [They seize him and stuff him on a rocket and blasts it off into space to crash onto the Moon] Michael Jordan: Had it in you all the time, didn't ya? [the Monstars look embarrassed for a moment]
Stan Podalak: [after all of his attempts to dig to find Michael have failed] This is it! THIS IS IT! I don't know where you are, Michael! But wherever you are, you obviously enjoy bein' there more than spendin' time with me!
Jeffrey Jordan: Does everyone get mad at you? Michael Jordan: No. Worse. Everyone's real nice about it.
Nerdluck Pound: You ever heard of the Dream Team? Well, we're the Mean Team, wussy man.
Larry Johnson: I've been MRI'd, EKG'd, X-Rayed, Laser beamed...
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