Spaceballs Quotes
Planet Spaceball's President Skroob sends Lord Dark Helmet to steal Planet Druidia's abundant supply of air to replenish their own, and only Lone Starr can stop them.
Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!
Dark Helmet: [playing with his dolls]
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: No, no, please leave me alone!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] No, you are mine!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Not so fast, Helmet!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Lone Starr!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Now you are going to die! Pfffsh!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Oh, oh... OH!
Dark Helmet: [in Barf voice] Hey, what did you do to my friend?
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!
Dark Helmet: [in Barf voice] OH! OH!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] And you too!
Dark Helmet: [in Dot voice] Owww! Ah!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice] Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice] Oh, oh, leave me alone!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] No, kiss me!
[cuts between their voices]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh, your helmet is so big...
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: No, no, please leave me alone!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] No, you are mine!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Not so fast, Helmet!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Lone Starr!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Now you are going to die! Pfffsh!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Oh, oh... OH!
Dark Helmet: [in Barf voice] Hey, what did you do to my friend?
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!
Dark Helmet: [in Barf voice] OH! OH!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] And you too!
Dark Helmet: [in Dot voice] Owww! Ah!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice] Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice] Oh, oh, leave me alone!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] No, kiss me!
[cuts between their voices]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh, your helmet is so big...
Ape #1: [as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes] Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.
Ape #2: Spaceballs.
Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.
Ape #2: Spaceballs.
Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT?
[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: GOOD!
Colonel Sandurz: [Sandurz slams the door]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT?
[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: GOOD!
Colonel Sandurz: [Sandurz slams the door]
Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.
Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
[covering his neck]
Radio Operator: Not that.
Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
[aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]
Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
[covering his neck]
Radio Operator: Not that.
Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
[aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]
Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower.
[turns it on]
Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink: Ooooh!
Yogurt: [reacts to dinks] The kids love this one.
[a dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt]
Yogurt: And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.
[pulls string]
Doll: May the schwartz be with you!
Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.
[turns it on]
Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink: Ooooh!
Yogurt: [reacts to dinks] The kids love this one.
[a dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt]
Yogurt: And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.
[pulls string]
Doll: May the schwartz be with you!
Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.
[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
Roland: One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Colonel Sandurz: One.
Roland: Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Colonel Sandurz: Two.
Roland: Three.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Colonel Sandurz: Three.
Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Colonel Sandurz: Four.
Roland: Five.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Colonel Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
Roland: One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Colonel Sandurz: One.
Roland: Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Colonel Sandurz: Two.
Roland: Three.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Colonel Sandurz: Three.
Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Colonel Sandurz: Four.
Roland: Five.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Colonel Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?
Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
Radar Technician: The sweeps.
[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
Radar Technician: And the creeps.
[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
Radar Technician: The sweeps.
[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
Radar Technician: And the creeps.
[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
Princess Vespa: Now listen you...
Lone Starr: You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.
Princess Vespa: And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.
Lone Starr: You are royal pain in the...
Barf: Whoa, hold it, time.
Lone Starr: You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.
Princess Vespa: And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.
Lone Starr: You are royal pain in the...
Barf: Whoa, hold it, time.
Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
[slaps the machine]
Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
[prepairs a cup for Helmet]
Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
[slaps the machine]
Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
[prepairs a cup for Helmet]
Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.
[first title cards]
Title card/crawl: Once upon a time warp...
Title card/crawl: In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs. Chapter Eleven. The evil leaders of planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the Princess but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
Title card/crawl: Once upon a time warp...
Title card/crawl: In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs. Chapter Eleven. The evil leaders of planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the Princess but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
Megamaid Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Megamaid Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Star changes hand position]
Lone Starr: Like this?
Megamaid Guard: Yeah!
[guard falls to the ground]
Lone Starr: Thanks.
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Megamaid Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Star changes hand position]
Lone Starr: Like this?
Megamaid Guard: Yeah!
[guard falls to the ground]
Lone Starr: Thanks.
[Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct]
Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding!
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [They growl in annoyance]
Self-Destruct Voice: [Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording] Six... five... four... three... two... one...
[they close their eyes and grimace]
Self-Destruct Voice: Have a nice day.
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [open their eyes] Thank you.
[They close them again]
Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding!
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [They growl in annoyance]
Self-Destruct Voice: [Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording] Six... five... four... three... two... one...
[they close their eyes and grimace]
Self-Destruct Voice: Have a nice day.
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [open their eyes] Thank you.
[They close them again]
Barf: The minute we move in they're gonna spot us on their radar.
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.
Barf: Uh-huh.
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.
Barf: Uh-uh.
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh. Not if we jam it.
Barf: Aha! You're right.
Lone Starr: Down scope.
Barf: Down scope.
[puts down a periscope and targets the Spaceball 1's radar dish]
Barf: Radar about to be "jammed."
[then, a huge jar of "jam" smashes into the dish]
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.
Barf: Uh-huh.
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.
Barf: Uh-uh.
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh. Not if we jam it.
Barf: Aha! You're right.
Lone Starr: Down scope.
Barf: Down scope.
[puts down a periscope and targets the Spaceball 1's radar dish]
Barf: Radar about to be "jammed."
[then, a huge jar of "jam" smashes into the dish]
Colonel Sandurz: [after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops] Are you alright sir?
Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. How've you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.
Dark Helmet: [softly] Good
Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.
Dark Helmet: [Collapses]
Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. How've you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.
Dark Helmet: [softly] Good
Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.
Dark Helmet: [Collapses]
Lone Starr: We gotta get moving before dawn.
Barf: Why so early?
Lone Starr: Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
[screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible]
Barf: Nice dissolve.
Barf: Why so early?
Lone Starr: Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
[screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible]
Barf: Nice dissolve.
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr. Yogurt has taught you well. If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there.
[Reaches out to shake Lone Starr's hand and instead takes his Schwartz ring]
Dark Helmet: The Ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What's with you man? Come on! You know what? Here let me give it back to you.
[throws it down the grate]
Dark Helmet: Oh, look, you fell for that too! I can't believe it, man!
[Reaches out to shake Lone Starr's hand and instead takes his Schwartz ring]
Dark Helmet: The Ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What's with you man? Come on! You know what? Here let me give it back to you.
[throws it down the grate]
Dark Helmet: Oh, look, you fell for that too! I can't believe it, man!
Lone Starr: Chief... I can't... I can't go any further. I can't go any further.
Lone Starr: Just one more dune to go.
Barf: That's what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter... cheque please.
[collapses, dropping Dot]
Lone Starr: Must go on... MUST GO ON! Must go on...
[stops]
Lone Starr: Who am I kidding?
[Drops Vespa, collapses]
Lone Starr: Just one more dune to go.
Barf: That's what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter... cheque please.
[collapses, dropping Dot]
Lone Starr: Must go on... MUST GO ON! Must go on...
[stops]
Lone Starr: Who am I kidding?
[Drops Vespa, collapses]
Lone Starr: Called me an idiot! I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.
Dot Matrix: Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.
Barf: Wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.
Lone Starr: I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen them all.
Princess Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly...
Lone Starr: Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...
Princess Vespa: Beer-swilling pigs!
Lone Starr: Horse-faced space dogs!
Dot Matrix: Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.
Barf: Wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.
Lone Starr: I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen them all.
Princess Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly...
Lone Starr: Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...
Princess Vespa: Beer-swilling pigs!
Lone Starr: Horse-faced space dogs!
Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows...
Lone Starr: It's coming from there.
Barf: That can't be her.
[Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from]
Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] ... the trouble I've seen...
[Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing]
Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows but Jesus.
Lone Starr: It's her.
Princess Vespa: [Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
Barf: She's a bass.
Lone Starr: It's coming from there.
Barf: That can't be her.
[Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from]
Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] ... the trouble I've seen...
[Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing]
Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows but Jesus.
Lone Starr: It's her.
Princess Vespa: [Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
Barf: She's a bass.
Radar Technician: [Into raspy-sounding intercom] Sir?
Colonel Sandurz: What is it?
Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?
Colonel Sandurz: [Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician] Well?
Radar Technician: [Into the intercomm] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: [Putting the intercomm microphone back] You don't need that, private; we're right here. Now, what is it?
Radar Technician: [Raspy-sounding intercomm voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: [Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside] Now, what is it?
Colonel Sandurz: What is it?
Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?
Colonel Sandurz: [Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician] Well?
Radar Technician: [Into the intercomm] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: [Putting the intercomm microphone back] You don't need that, private; we're right here. Now, what is it?
Radar Technician: [Raspy-sounding intercomm voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: [Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside] Now, what is it?
Dark Helmet: [Helmet is going to enter an escape pod when a fat woman reaches it first] Hey hey hey! That's my escape pod! Who are you?
Bearded Lady: [in gravelly voice] I'm the bearded lady! Who are you, one of the freaks?
[bumps Helmet away, boards the escape pod laughing]
Dark Helmet: [Helmet up at the window] Wait, wait! No!
Bearded Lady: [escape pod blasts away]
Dark Helmet: Come back you fat bearded bitch!
Bearded Lady: [in gravelly voice] I'm the bearded lady! Who are you, one of the freaks?
[bumps Helmet away, boards the escape pod laughing]
Dark Helmet: [Helmet up at the window] Wait, wait! No!
Bearded Lady: [escape pod blasts away]
Dark Helmet: Come back you fat bearded bitch!
Princess Vespa: I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
Lone Starr: You're probably right.
Princess Vespa: I know now that I must learn to live without love.
Lone Starr: I guess so.
Princess Vespa: Besides, love isn't that important.
Lone Starr: Nah... It never was!
Princess Vespa: I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...
[turns and looks into Lone Starr's eyes, pauses]
Princess Vespa: love.
Lone Starr: Sure you could.
Princess Vespa: Without physical contact.
Lone Starr: Yeah.
Princess Vespa: Without being held.
Lone Starr: Yeah.
Princess Vespa: Or kissed...
[they go to kiss, but right before they make contact, Dot Matrix's "Virgin Alarm" goes off]
Lone Starr: You're probably right.
Princess Vespa: I know now that I must learn to live without love.
Lone Starr: I guess so.
Princess Vespa: Besides, love isn't that important.
Lone Starr: Nah... It never was!
Princess Vespa: I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...
[turns and looks into Lone Starr's eyes, pauses]
Princess Vespa: love.
Lone Starr: Sure you could.
Princess Vespa: Without physical contact.
Lone Starr: Yeah.
Princess Vespa: Without being held.
Lone Starr: Yeah.
Princess Vespa: Or kissed...
[they go to kiss, but right before they make contact, Dot Matrix's "Virgin Alarm" goes off]
Dot Matrix: [Mega Maid is sucking the air away from Druidia] What'll we do?
Lone Starr: We've got to act fast. Step one, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. Step two, we destroy that thing.
Princess Vespa: But isn't that dangerous?
Lone Starr: Extremely. Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it!
Lone Starr: We've got to act fast. Step one, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. Step two, we destroy that thing.
Princess Vespa: But isn't that dangerous?
Lone Starr: Extremely. Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it!
Dark Helmet: Ah, planet Druidia. And under that air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!
Colonel Sandurz: [Summing up the evil plan of the movie] We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shild, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Dark Helmet: [to camera] Everybody got that?
Dark Helmet: Good. When will the princess be married?
Colonel Sandurz: Within an hour, sir.
Dark Helmet: Well I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonne be a short honeymoon.
[laughs "evil"]
Colonel Sandurz: [Summing up the evil plan of the movie] We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shild, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Dark Helmet: [to camera] Everybody got that?
Dark Helmet: Good. When will the princess be married?
Colonel Sandurz: Within an hour, sir.
Dark Helmet: Well I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonne be a short honeymoon.
[laughs "evil"]
President Skroob: Did it work? Where's the king?
Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5
President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes!
President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]
Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5
President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes!
President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]
President Skroob: As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye.
[hangs up]
President Skroob: [under his breath] Shithead.
[hangs up]
President Skroob: [under his breath] Shithead.
Dark Helmet: Prepare to attack! On the count of three. One... two...
[Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]
Dark Helmet: WAIT! What happened? Where are they?
Colonel Sandurz: [worried] I don't know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.
Dark Helmet: AND WHAT HAVE WE GOT ON THIS THING, A *CUISINART*?
[Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]
Dark Helmet: WAIT! What happened? Where are they?
Colonel Sandurz: [worried] I don't know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.
Dark Helmet: AND WHAT HAVE WE GOT ON THIS THING, A *CUISINART*?
[first lines]
Radio Operator: Colonel Sandurz!
Colonel Sandurz: What is it, Sergeant Ricco?
Radio Operator: You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: So?
Radio Operator: Planet Druidia's in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
Radio Operator: Thanks, sir.
Radio Operator: Colonel Sandurz!
Colonel Sandurz: What is it, Sergeant Ricco?
Radio Operator: You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: So?
Radio Operator: Planet Druidia's in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
Radio Operator: Thanks, sir.
Lone Starr: [sees Barf carrying a lot of luggage] Checking in? What the hell is all that?
Barf: [unintelligable from the bag in his mouth] Ith her oyal igness' atched uggage!
Lone Starr: What?
Barf: [pulls the bag out of his mouth] Her royal highness' matched luggage!
Lone Starr: Matched luggage? What does she think this is, a princess cruise?
Barf: [unintelligable from the bag in his mouth] Ith her oyal igness' atched uggage!
Lone Starr: What?
Barf: [pulls the bag out of his mouth] Her royal highness' matched luggage!
Lone Starr: Matched luggage? What does she think this is, a princess cruise?
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