World famous pop group The Spice Girls zip around London in their luxurious double decker tour bus having various adventures and performing for their fans.

[Geri and Mel B are playing chess on the Spice Bus]
Ginger Spice: Check!
Scary Spice: What d'you mean "check"?
Ginger Spice: I mean, check; my bishop's got your king.
Scary Spice: Where?
Ginger Spice: There! You've either got to move it in front, or move it out of the way.
Scary Spice: Well I'll move that fairground horse to there. Sort that out!
Ginger Spice: You can't *do* that!
Scary Spice: Sez who?
Ginger Spice: Says Mr. Chess! It's been in the rules for thousands of years!
Scary Spice: Well I'm gonna break the rules and set this little fairground horse free amonst all these little square fields, like that. There!
Ginger Spice: I'm gonna slap you in a minute!
Elton John: [after being kissed by The Spice Girls] Whoo!
Clifford: You don't have a life. You have a schedule.
The Chief: When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness. Whether they're clean or not.
Spice Girls: We're the Spice Girls, yes indeed. Just Girl Power is all we need. We know how we got this far.
Ginger Spice: Strength and courage and a Wonderbra!
Spice Girls: Would this work with only one?
Baby: Just with me I have no fun.
Spice Girls: Would this work with only two?
Scary Spice: We need more for what we do.
Spice Girls: Would this work with only three?
Sporty: Three's a crowd, bad company.
Spice Girls: Would this work with only four?
Posh: No way, girl, we need one more!
Spice Girls: Listen up, take my advice - we need five for the power of Spice. Give it up, give it out, take a stand, scream and shout! One, two, three, four, five Spice Girls!
Ginger Spice: Now that's Girl Power.
Chief: The headless chicken can only know where he's been. He can't see where he's going.
Clifford: [exasperated] How can all the toilets break down at once?
Dennis: It's not my fault. Hey, it's hard enough to get a plumber to come to your house, and that stays in one place. But you try getting a plumber to come to a bus that's driving all over the countryside. It's impossible.
Clifford: [frustrated] Well, can't you do something about it?
Dennis: [confused] Like what?
Clifford: [he means fix the toilets, not "fix" the girls so they can't pee] Fix them!
Dennis: Hey man, I love these girls, and I'd do anything for them. But I won't do that.
Mr. Step: [Yelling] Righty horrible, lot! Left, right, left, ooh! Ah! Don't give me any of that Julie Andrews hilltop clap trap! I'm your mother now, and I don't mean superior
[Yelling at Baby Spice]
Mr. Step: Take that sweet out of your mouth
[Starts rambling incoherently, then starts half-galloping]
Mr. Step: Right... now... shootanoo. Shendy. Shendy. Shendy. Shend.
Ginger Spice: Are you the dance teacher, Mr. Step?
Mr. Step: [Stops in front of Ginger Spice] That is correct. I'm going to show you pore du bra. Well, that wouldn't really apply to you.
[Ginger Spice looks at her breasts, Mr. Step starts dancing, and the girls attempt to follow along]
Mr. Step: Oh. Mama. Oh, ma. Oh, oh, oh mama. Mama. Oh ma. Mama.
[Stops dancing]
Baby: You know, we can't dance like that.
Mr. Step: Yes, I know, I've seen your videos.
[Starts laughing]
Scary Spice: This is ridiculous. Let's just do our own thing.
Mr. Step: Ah! Don't even understand things, they're so strange. That's it, we're gonna get fit, fit, fit, fit, fit! One, two, one, two, three four...
[the girls start dancing, Mr. Step notices and decides to go along with it]
Mr. Step: One, two, one, two, three, four. One, two, one, two, three, four. One, two, one, two, three, four. One, two, one, two, three, four...
Spice Girls: [singing] Never give up on the good times, gotta believe in the love you find. Never give up on the good times, living it up is a state of mind
Mr. Step: [Starts marching, the girls follow] I... love it! Make your mother proud of you. What sort of men are you anyway/ left, right, left, right, left, right. Left, right, left, right, left, right. Right then, Spice Girls, regimental calls!
Baby: In my bed, I've got two teddies, I've got a rabbit, I've got two dollies, and one Susan, she's got a bad eye,
[they cut to other peoples' conversations then back to Emma, still talking]
Baby: and then I've got a green giraffe which I won at a fair, he was the only one left, I felt *really* sorry for him,
[cuts back and forth, again]
Baby: then there's Buzz, Woody, the alien, and then I've got a fluffy pink hot water bottle. So, there's just not enough room for you, mate!
[pats him on the shoulder which is sweaty and then looks a the sweat that's now on her hand]
Baby: ... ugh!
Kevin McMaxford: Or if they find a cure for Déjà Vu?
Brad: [scoffs] Not me.
Kevin McMaxford: Or if they find a cure for Déjà Vu?
Brad: [scoffs] Not me.
Clifford: Look at this! Front page news, again. Suppose the whole lot of you'd been drowned.
Ginger Spice: Well, we weren't though, were we?
Posh: Speak for yourself.
Clifford: What did you think you were doing? Going off like that?
Scary Spice: We were just having fun!
Clifford: What?
Baby: Fun! You know, like ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Sporty: Look, Clifford, we're old enough to take responsibility for our own lives, do you know what I mean?
Clifford: You don't have a life, you have a schedule! You are part of a well-oiled, global machine! There are people everywhere working their butts off for you! People like Deborah, here.
Deborah: Oh, can we leave my butt out of this, please?
Ginger Spice: Oh, just don't be so uptight, Clifford.
Clifford: Uptight? Uptight? You've got a live gig here tomorrow. It's my job to see that you turn up. My bum is on the line, here!
Posh: Can you please leave butts and bums out of this, for one minute?
Sporty: Clifford, some things are more important than gigs, you know.
Clifford: Like what?
Ginger Spice: Like self respect and our freedom, for a start!
Baby: Yeah, and friendship!
Clifford: What are you saying? You-you don't want to turn up here, tomorrow night?
Ginger Spice: [defiantly] Well, maybe we don't.
Baby: What'd you say that for?
Ginger Spice: I don't know, I just said it.
Emma: You know, I'm always gonna be known as Baby Spice, even when I'm 30!
Posh: You love it really Emma, you you play up to it all the time.
Emma: No I don't!
Posh: Yes you do.You're doing it now.
Emma: I'm not!
Sporty: Oy, don't you be starting on Capricorns.
Scary Spice: Does anyone know how to deliver a baby?
Ginger Spice: Don't worry, I know all about home delivery.
Scary Spice: Yeah, right.
Ginger Spice: Well, I read it in a book. Okay, the first thing to do is put your legs together!
Scary Spice: Well that's a bit late! She should have done that nine months ago!
Nicola: Don't make me laugh, please.
Scary Spice: Do not make her laugh, else it'll just shoot out like a cannon ball!
Baby: Seriously, what if the baby comes out right now?
Posh: Well it's not gonna go very far. I mean, look, she's still got her tights on!
Ginger Spice: [shouting up Nicola's skirt] Stay up there! We're not ready for you yet!
Piers Cuthbertson-Smyth: [after Posh and the 2 young fans fall into the Thames] I want a close up of that wet infant!
Jess: Look, Piers, I'm only getting you shouting.
Piers Cuthbertson-Smyth: Well, shush then!
Clifford: Well done girls, excellent performance
Scary Spice: What are you talking about, you weren't even watching Clifford!
Clifford: Yes I was!
Sporty: Don't lie, no you weren't!
Clifford: I sensed the vibes! I have an excellent vibe sensor right here
Scary Spice: Yeah right.
Baby: He just doesn't love us anymore!
Clifford: Oh yes I do. I love you like a wildebeest loves five lionesses chewing at his legs!
Baby: Rawr!
Deborah: He didn't mean that!
Clifford: [defiantly] Oh, *didn't* I?
Baby: [Tearfully] Look, can we please stop arguing?
Posh: When you know exactly what we're supposed to be doing. Will somebody please let *me* know?
[she storms off]
Scary Spice: [Angrily] Oh great, Clifford! Now look what you've gone and done!
Clifford: Well, that's just too bad!
Scary Spice: Well yeahj it is too bad cos you know what? I'm going home now, see ya!
[follows Victoria]
Clifford: Bye!
Baby: Look can we stop all this, this is doing my head in?
Sporty: [follows her bandmate in concern]
Sporty: Emma!
[runs after her]
Sporty: [a long oause ensues, and only Geri is left]
Ginger Spice: I hope you know what you're doing, cos if you're looking for a fight. you're gonna lose!
Ginger Spice: [as Sporty Spice] Hup! Hup! Hup! I'm so Sporty!
[Kicks at the camera]
Ginger Spice: Ha! Hup! Hup!
Baby: [as Scary Spice] Rah!
Posh: [as Baby Spice] My mummy's my best friend. Shh!
Sporty: [as Posh Spice] I'm just too Posh.
Ginger Spice: [as Sporty Spice] When's Liverpool gonna win the cup, like, eh?
Baby: [as Scary Spice] Are we finished yet?
Scary Spice: [as Ginger Spice] Um, blah, blah, blah. And, Girl Power. Feminism, d'you know what I mean?
Baby: [as Scary Spice] Oh no!
Ginger Spice: [as Sporty Spice, jumps onto the runway] Yo!
Scary Spice: [as Ginger Spice] I feel as though I'm bein' strangled. How do you feel?
Sporty: [as Posh Spice] Really uncomfortable!
Posh: [as Baby Spice] Well, I just nearly fell off these shoes and sprained my ankles.
Baby: [as Scary Spice] These things are really tight. They go right up my bum.
Ginger Spice: [as Sporty Spice] There are really comfy, actually.
Sporty: [as Posh Spice] Don't even think about it!
Baby: [as Scary Spice] I'm off. I'm gettin' these off! Bring me some platforms
Scary Spice: [as Ginger Spice] How can you wear these things?
Ginger Spice: [as Sporty Spice] You look a pile of crap in my clothes, anyway.
[Clifford sits silently backstage, panicked that the girls really aren't going to show up for the concert. Finally he speaks to the documentary camera]
Clifford: Okay. So this is the plan. The band starts up, the fans go wild, the lights come on, and I walk center stage... and hang myself.
[to the camera man]
Clifford: Oh by the way this is my good side.
[back to the audience]
Clifford: My final words are: The Spice Girls? I HATE THEM!
[Suddenly the girls burst through the door shouting and laughing]
Scary Spice: Hey! What you doing sitting around?
Baby: Come on! We got a show to do!
Ginger Spice: How ya doing?
Sporty: Where are the mics?
Posh: Where are the clothes!
Scary Spice: And WHERE are the bacon butties?
Clifford: I love those girls! I love those girls!
Posh: [after the girls hear noises in the night and after running into each other and scaring themselves, seek refuge in Victoria's room] It's *pathetic*, you know, that we can't even sleep in our own rooms
Sporty: Yeah, I don't know what we're making such a fuss for, it's only an old house!
Posh: A big old house
Baby: [very scared] A big old scary haunted, big old house!
Sporty: [the girls see a spaceship] What's that?
Ginger Spice: Oh my God, run for it!
Baby: I can't move!
Alien 1: [the aliens land their spaceship and walk out]
[in alien language]
Alien 1: It's them! It's them! Look!
Alien 2: [in alien language] Are you sure?
Alien 1: [in alien language] Yes! There's the little blonde one.
Alien 2: [in alien language] That's what you said before - and it was a sheep!
Scary Spice: [one of the aliens tries to touch Scary's breast] Oi! Get off!
Sporty: [exasperated] Mel, you've done it now!
Alien 1: [in alien language] I told you shake hands!
Sporty: [after falling into the bus] Victoria!
Posh: Sorry!
Graydon: [Describing the events as they are happening] Now they're coming up on the tower bridge.
Voice of Bridge Keeper: Attention, please. Your attention, please. The bridge will shortly be lifted.
Graydon: The road is rising right in front of them to let a boat through!
Posh: The bridge is going up!
Graydon: They can't believe it!
Scary Spice: Oh, my god! I don't believe it!
Graydon: Are they crazy enough to try and jump the gap?
[Sporty, Baby, Ginger, and Scary put on their "game faces"]
Posh: Hold onto your knickers, girls!
Graydon: Hey, baby! These are the Spice Girls, of course they're gonna go for it! Up it goes. A five ton London bus sailing through the air at seventy miles an hour! It's incredible!
Martin Barnfield: It's expensive!
[the Spice Bus easily jumps the gap]
Martin Barnfield: Um... not necessarily.
Graydon: But then, just when you think they're safe, they discover the bomb.
Martin Barnfield: What bomb?
Baby: [Opens up a secret door, looks at the bomb, and screams]
Graydon: That bomb.
Scary Spice, Ginger Spice, Sporty, Baby, Posh: [All scream]
Martin Barnfield: Why?
Graydon: Those are the rules.
Martin Barnfield: My god, I've had enough of the rules!
[Attempts to choke Graydon, but Clifford holds him back]
Martin Barnfield: What are you trying to do, kill them? No more! They've suffered enough! Please!
Graydon: All right! All right! They... they run up the steps to the Albert Hall, zoom past the guards, hurdle down the corridor, and they burst through that door right there.
[Points to the door]
Clifford: [Watches the door, expecting to see the Spice Girls run in. When they don't, he attemspt to choke Graydon. Martin tries to hold him back] You lied to me!
Martin Barnfield: Hey! Hey! Hey, now! Hey! Hey! That's enough of that!
Clifford: Where are they?
Graydon: [Still choking] I'll rewrite it.
Musical Director: Okay, girls, that was absolutely perfect without really being any good at all.
Alien 1: [in unintelligible alien language] Can I have your autograph? It's not for me, it's for my brother.
Sporty: What's his name?
Alien 1: [in unintelligible alien language] Krtkkarphillmuk.
Sporty: [confused] Is that three or four K's?
Posh: You could always take your shirt off Geri.
Ginger Spice: Shut up.
Posh: It was just a joke.
[the keyboardist has just made a mistake]
Sporty: Hold on, hold on. What's going on?
Ginger Spice: What are you doing, duh?
Scary Spice: Sort your fingers out, dude!
Sporty: Or have you got boxing gloves on?
Deborah: Come on, Clifford. Don't you remember being a kid?
Clifford: [glares] What?
Deborah: You know? Fooling around on the playground, scrapping your knee.
Clifford: Deborah, what planet are you from?
Deborah: [finding Clifford alone in a bar] I thought i'd find you here.
Clifford: Sorry, there's only room for one depressed personality here.
Deborah: Come on, Clifford. At least you're still alive.
Clifford: That's the bit that depresses me.
Deborah: If it makes you feel better, I have a degree in politics, philosophy and economics, and I spend my entire life worrying wether Mel C. is wearing the right Nike Air Max.
Clifford: By the way, did you sort them out yet?
Deborah: Yes.
Clifford: Whoo.
Deborah: Mind you, I'd rather be us than the girls. Fame is such a fickle thing.
Elvis Costello: So, what can I get you?
Deborah: Gin and Tonic, please. Wait a minute. Make that a double.
Elvis Costello: Yes.
Deborah: You know what happens now, don't you?
Clifford: What's That?
Deborah: We sit here more and more self-pitying, telling tragic tales of lost lovers, and deaden the night with bursting passion and ruining our professional relationship.
Clifford: I'm up for that.
Martin Barnfield: We're cooking here. This is a stew, a gumbo, a jambalaya, if you will. We're just jamming.
Kevin McMaxford: Something's happening to me. What is it?
Brad: You're smiling, sir.
Piers Cuthbertson-Smyth: [singing while inquiring of three getting in on one ticket] Tonight is the night when three become one.
Sporty: Why Milan, Clifford?
Clifford: Just a TV special. Italians, screaming fans, the usual thing.
Scary Spice: Are we there yet?
Ginger Spice: [the girls are talking about male and female body language] Apparently there are these animals in the jungle or the rainforest or somewhere like that. Anyway, when the male's courting the female, he goes up to her and pees on her.
[the rest of the girls make disgusted noises]
Sporty: Geri, did you have to?
Ginger Spice: No, but it's his way of showing he fancies her, and the thing is, they get it on afterwards and mate.
Baby: Well, called me old-fashioned but I'd much prefer a bunch of flowers.
Baby: [as they discuss further movie roles in the end credit] And I don't want to me nice all the time. Maybe I could slap somebody, like Victoria here.
Posh: [indignantly] Emma!
Baby: We've got to see Nicola in the morning. The baby's overdue.
Clifford: Babies are allowed to be overdue you're not.
Martin Barnfield: Act? Did anyone care if Marilyn Monroe could act? All they cared was, "Was she in focus?"
Enzo: Your mother.
Clifford: My mother?
Enzo: Si.
[through his megaphone]
Enzo: Your mother.
Piers Cuthbertson-Smyth: But you do like boys, don't you, Geri?
Ginger Spice: C'mon.
Ginger Spice: Is the Pope a Catholic?
Piers Cuthbertson-Smyth: Apparently he is, yes.
Male Reporter: [the next day] And now, the latest news concerning the Spice Girls have questioned the religious conviction of the Pope, but suggesting that he might not be Catholic. We asked the Bishop of Candlemen what he thought.
Bishop: It's a terrible suggestion! Almost blasphemous! Of course the Pope's a Catholic, otherwise he wouldn't've been invited to become Pope, would he? I'd like to know what evidence the Spice Girls have to support these allegations! I really would!
Clifford: Dennis pull over.
Dennis: [rolls his eyes and pulls over]
Clifford: The girls need to go to the bathroom again.
Clifford: Just a minute.
Deborah: [turns around]
Clifford: I love you.
Scary Spice: [as they are talking about being stereotyped] You know, I think it's the same with fish
[points out fish in tank]
Scary Spice: I mean, look at this, you've got the spotty one, that's *wacky*. You've got the fluffy one, that's *cute* And then you have this... ugly loser one. That reminds me of my ex boyfriend, Steven
Scary Spice: Ugh
Ginger Spice: Did you *know*, that the largest fish ever is the manta ray?
Posh: [continuing] And then you've got the little *ginger* one, which is full of *useless* information, about *manta rays*!
Ginger Spice: That's it, push!
Nicola: I am pushing!
Sporty: Are you sure she should be pushing?
Scary Spice: Well what else is she gonna do?
Nicola: Is it a boy or a girl?
Baby: It's a beetroot!
Sporty: It's a girl!
Baby: [Who Do You Think You Are plays] I love this song.
Ginger Spice: That's cause we wrote it.
Ginger Spice: [looking down at the male dancer's crotch area] Think that's real down there?
Scary Spice: Looks like a pair of rolled up socks to me.
Scary Spice: [the girls are in the woods at night and frightened] Something just pushed past me, and I'm not joking!
Ginger Spice: Probably one of those disgusting beasts want to eat you.
Baby: [frightened] Ugghhh!
Sporty: [the girls hear a loud, strange noise that sounds like a fart] Oh pack it in, Mel!
Scary Spice: [indignantly] It wasn't me!
Posh: [after Sporty, Posh, and two fans have fallen into the Thames from a boat] Help!
Scary Spice: What, what?
Posh: This dress is dry-clean only Melanie!
[Sporty makes an exasperated sound]
Child fan: Do they have sharks in the Thames?
Posh: Oh, shut up!
The Chief: The answer is no Clifford.
Clifford: Chief?
The Chief: The girls can't have the morning off.
[the Spice Girls have al just stormed out after a huge row about an incident where they ran off with two competition winners and several of them fall into the River Thames]
Clifford: So what do you think? No I don't want to hear what you think?
Clifford: *What* do you think?
Deborah: I think you have definitely, definitely lost
Clifford: I think I may have just started the breakup of the Spice Girls
Clifford: [as Deborah stalks off] AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!
Posh: Was that really worth it?
Sporty: I'm so glad we've got the morning off.
Baby: Yeah. First time in over a month, Clifford.
Scary Spice: Are we there yet?
Emma: But we can't dance like that.
Mr. Step: I know. I've seen your videos! Hahahahahaha!
Ginger Spice: [in closing credits, to Deborah] "All right, sweetheart!" That's from that film you did.
Clifford: Now hear this: it is dangerous to leave moisturising cream in the refrigerator, as it could be mistaken for mayonaisse. That is all.
Clifford: I told them before. If they wanted to be spontaneous they had to clear it with me first.
Ginger Spice: [in closing credits, to Deborah] We needed a serious actress like you to give it some depth, because we didn't want it to be.
Posh: Superficial.
Judge: Emma, Victoria, Melvin C., Melvin B., Geri. You've been charged with releasing a single that is by no means as kicking as your previous records. Nor does it have such a dirty phat bass line. You are sentenced to having your next record enter the charts at 179 and having it fall completely out the following week.
[bangs the gavel]
Judge: Call Hootie and the Blowfish!
Clifford: They're hot, Chief! They've got fire in their eyes, hunger in their bellies... and great big shoes on their feet!
Scary Spice: [after doing Bob's hair] Right! Now, you look great!
As Himself: [looking at his hair in a mirror] What the hell have you done?
Graydon: [Describes what's going on throughout the entire scene] He crashes to the ground. And now the girls come face-to-face with their tabloid tormentor. The evil reporter has been unmaksed and in that moment, Damien's whole worthless life flashes before his eyes because, the girls have made him realize that he's been living a meaningless lie.
Damien: [Lying on the ground, in pain] Oh, d'you know what, girls... you've made me realize... I've been... living a meaningless lie.
Graydon: It's his character's one defining moment, and there isn't a dry seat in the house.
Martin Barnfield: I'm wet already.
Clifford: So, then what? Is that the end?
Graydon: No! Damien goes after the really big evil boss, McMaxford.
Clifford: Well, what about the girls?
Graydon: Well, the girls, they've gotta get to Albert Hall, right? I mean, they've been at the hospital for twelve hours.
Baby: Dennis!
Posh: Out of the ways girls?
Scary Spice: What are you doing?
Posh: Fasten your seatbelts.
[Gets in the driver's seat of the Spice Bus, puts her seatbelt on, presses down on the gas pedal, and starts driving like a lunatic]
Dennis: [Getting up off the ground] Hey! That's my bus!
Posh: Come on! What are you doing? What's the matter, are you blind? Come on, what are you doing? Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Sunday drivers! It's only Saturday!
Graydon: And now the Spice Bus is racing across London, through Trafalger's Square. Pigeons are flying up. Guys are diving into fountains. And as it zooms through them all, past Bukingham Palace, Prince William is there. He's looin' at the window through a curtain. He turns to the Queen! The Queen, man! And he says "Oi, granny, look. It's the Spice Girls. They're on telly in a minute". And the Queen looks out and says "Oh, you're right. Isn't that the Posh one drivin'?"
Baby: Look, there's the Queen! Hi, William!
Ginger Spice: Hi, Charlie.
Scary Spice: Hello, Harry.
Graydon: And then, suddenly, they're on top of the bus.
Clifford: Why?
Martin Barnfield: The rules!
Graydon: Right, right, the rules. Anyhow, there they are, standing in gale-force winds. Holding on for dear life. Emma slips, but Geri grabs her. But then Geri slips, so Mel B grabs her. But then, she slips, so Mel C grabs her. Four? Wait, that's four. Oh, there's one driving, right. Anyway, they're standing on top of a bus, whiplashing back and forth, about to be turned into Spice Jam!
Martin Barnfield: Oh, my god!
Clifford: And...?
Graydon: Two old nuns in a mini-metro pull up right in front of them. The braking tumbles the girls back into the bus.
Judge: [UK Version]
Ginger Spice: Boys, boys! Calm down! Haven't you ever heard of the word "compromisation"?
[the two competition winners and Victoria are being pulled back onto their boat after taking a tumble into the River Thames]
Scary Spice: Vicky, Vicky, you want to wear this?
[offers her jacket]
Posh: [venomously] I'm not that desperate, thank you!

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