Spies Like Us

Spies Like Us Quotes

Two bumbling government employees think they are U.S. spies, only to discover that they are actually decoys for Nuclear War.

Ace Tomato Agent: Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Are there any Paraguayans here?
[subtle laugh]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?
Captain Hefling: [Talking about an encrypted transmission from the Chinese] That was a static-filled, triple-scrambled microwave transmission between 2 soldiers talking in mandarin Chinese.
Austin Millbarge: They were only using a simple polyphonetically grouped 20-digit key transposed in boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this...
[Holds up a kid's cipher disk]
Captain Hefling: A drogan's decoder wheel? They put these into cereal boxes for kids.
Austin Millbarge: Yeah, I found it in a box of "lucky charms".
Captain Hefling: Break it down again with the machines!
Austin Millbarge: I already did.
[Shows him the decoded message]
Captain Hefling: Well... Then clean up your
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Imhaus exits]
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Marston exits]
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [amorously] Doctor!
[Boyer exits]
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Hadley exits]
Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors!
Keyes: By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!
General Sline: To guarantee the American way of life, I'm willing to take that risk.
Russian Interregator #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?
Russian Interregator #2: Yours.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [catches a live grenade] Hey! What's this?
Austin Millbarge: You don't want it!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [stands up and casually throws the grenade back]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What did she say?
Austin Millbarge: She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Tell her so do we.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I'm sorry I'm late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying?
Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?
[Milbarge and Fitz-Hume hear a sound]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Did you hear that?
Austin Millbarge: Yeah. It's a dickfer.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfer?
Austin Millbarge: To pee with.
[Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are surrounded by Ninja warriors]
Austin Millbarge: Show some balls, man!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it's too late to try and impress them.
Austin Millbarge: I gotta take a leak. You should go too.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?
Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.
Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!
Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz?
Austin Millbarge: [Nods triumphantly]
Alice, Fitz-Hume's Supervisor: You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No... not now.
Russian Interregator #1: Why are you here?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell spell Sartre?
[soldier slaps him]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?
Test Monitor: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?
[There is a war cry in the distance]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Was that me?
[Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume]
Austin Millbarge: We need a plan.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let's play dead.
General Sline: When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
[Arguing surgical techniques]
Austin Millbarge: We mock what we don't understand.
Tadzhik Highway Patrolman: [Talking about an encrypted transmission from the Chinese] That was a static-filled, triple-scrambled microwave transmission between 2 soldiers talking in mandarin Chinese.
Austin Millbarge: They were only using a simple polyphonetically grouped 20-digit key transposed in boustrophendonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this...
[Holds up a kid's cipher disk]
Tadzhik Highway Patrolman: A drogan's decoder wheel? They put these into cereal boxes for kids.
Austin Millbarge: Yeah, I found it in a box of "lucky charms".
Tadzhik Highway Patrolman: Break it down again with the machines!
Austin Millbarge: I already did.
[Shows him the decoded message]
Tadzhik Highway Patrolman: Well... Then clean up your desk!
[Surrounded by Ninja warriors]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Alright. Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay...
[Shows a picture from his wallet]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.
Austin Millbarge: They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're on our side! WE'RE AMERICANS!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [in celebration after saving the human race] ... Can I borrow your tent?
Austin Millbarge: [while rescuing Fitz-Hume] You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Feet!
Austin Millbarge: Hat!
Golfer: [a golf ball rolls into the tent where Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are working as doctors, and in walks Bob Hope] Ah! Mind if I play through.
[He hits his golf ball out of the tent]
Golfer: Doctor. Doctor.
[pause]
Golfer: I'm glad I'm not sick.
Austin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!
[Fitz-Hume smashes terminal]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It's broken.
Austin Millbarge: Bring it here.
[Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Milbarge holding rock instead of the terminal]
Austin Millbarge: Not the rock.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [walks in the test room with a broken arm and a patch over his eye] ... I'm sorry I'm late. I had to attend the reading of a will.
Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school.
Austin Millbarge: [Listening to faint music] It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays
Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [trying to buy time by making something up] All right! All right, I'm an American agent!
Russian Interregator #2: And...?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: And? And... uhh... they... they sent me here t-to assassinate your Premier!
Russian Interregator #2: [to the other interregator] I knew it! Pay up, comrade!
Russian Interregator #1: [unimpressed] Let's cut his fingers off anyway.
Col. Rhumbus: Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.
Austin Millbarge: For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.

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