Stand Up Guys

Stand Up Guys Quotes

A pair of aging stickup men try to get the old gang back together for one last hurrah before one of the guys takes his last assignment - to kill his comrade.

Val: They say we die twice. Once when the breath leaves our body, and once when the last person we know says our name.
Val: So, what'll it be. Chew gum, or kick ass.
Doc: I'm all outta gum.
Doc: You can't open a car with a coat hanger any more, Val.
Val: Says who?
Doc: Says the people who make cars.
Doc: [stealing a gangster's car] This is not a good idea, Val.
Val: Yeah, well, my life is full of not good ideas.
Doc: [as Val is urging them to steal the car] This car belongs to the Jargoniew brothers. I happen to know that.
Val: A-and that's supposed to mean something to me?
Doc: Nobody messes with these guys! They are the type of guys that take your kidneys out and not even sell them!
Val: So how's your health?
Hirsch: Well, they took something out of me a couple of months ago.
Val: What'd they take out?
Hirsch: I don't know. I didn't ask, it's none of my business. But I'm a little more streamlined now, a little more aerodynamic.
Hirsch: Hey, Val...
Val: Yeah?
Hirsch: It's like the old days, isn't it?
Val: No! It's better.
Hirsch: Yeah! Why?
Val: Because this time we can appreciate it.
Hirsch: Yeah, that's why.
Val: [In the confessional] Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
Priest: How long since your last confession?
Val: 60 years give or take a few.
Val: Are you a real doctor?
Doctor: Are you a real patient? Is that a real penis?
Val: [Looking for the second girl in a proposed meage a trois] What about you?
Wendy: Who me? No. I don't do it for money. I just can't...
Val: Well, we won't pay you.
Doc: [These lines are read like a well-polished mantra familiar to all of them] What time is it?
Hirsch: I don't know. What time is it?
Val: It's time to kick ass or chew gum, and guess what?
Doc: I'm all out of gum!
[They ritually stomp their feet]
Doc: My friend is looking for a "party".
Wendy: Yeah? What kind of party?
Val: Bar Mitzvah.
Hirsch: Give me the key.
Doc: There's no key.
Hirsch: Give me the key.
Doc: It's new. It's a button. Push the button.
Val: Push the button.
Doc: It's computers.
Hirsch: Man, this is like the future.
Val: Oh Ouh! Mount Everest just moved into my pants.
Val: [after taking too much ED medication] I'm fighting the Battle of the Bulge here. This thing is going up and down like a yo-yo...
Val: [Just coming out of prison] You look like shit!
Doc: You look worse!
Doc: Exit, stage left.
Val: This is the worst apartment I've ever seen.
Doc: Hey, it's not much, but it's mine.
Val: Your place looks like where I just came from except it's worse.
Doc: So, it's not to your liking. Sorry.
Val: Not to my liking is the understatement of all time.

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