To save Earth from an alien probe, Admiral Kirk and his fugitive crew go back in time to 20th century Earth to retrieve the only beings who can communicate with it, humpback whales.

Punk on bus: [Playing loud music on the bus]
Kirk: Excuse me.
Punk on bus: [He ignores him]
Kirk: Excuse me. Would you mind stopping that noise?
Punk on bus: [He turns it up louder]
Kirk: [louder and firmer] Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that damn noise?
Punk on bus: [He flips him off]
Kirk: [He looks at Spock]
Spock: [He gives the punk the Vulcan neck-pinch, followed by the delighted applause of the grateful bus passengers]
[Spock is still learning how to use profanity correctly]
Spock: They like you very much, but they are not the hell "your" whales.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: I suppose they told you that.
Spock: The hell they did.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Don't tell me! You're from outer space.
Kirk: No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space.
[faced with a 20th century computer]
Scotty: Computer! Computer?
[He's handed a mouse, and he speaks into it]
Scotty: Hello, computer.
Dr. Nichols: Just use the keyboard.
Scotty: Keyboard. How quaint.
Kirk: [Explaining Spock's odd behavior] Oh, him? He's harmless. Back in the sixties, he was part of the free speech movement at Berkeley. I think he did a little too much LDS.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: LDS?
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Do you guys like Italian?
Spock: No.
Kirk: Yes.
Spock: No.
Kirk: [at Spock] No, Yes.
Spock: No.
Kirk: Yes, I love Italian...
[looks at Spock]
Kirk: And so do you.
Spock: Yes.
Chekov: Admiral. We have found the nuclear wessel.
Kirk: Well done, Team two.
Chekov: And Admiral... it is the *Enterprise*.
[Kirk and Spock look at each other]
Kirk: Understood.
Kirk: Mr. Spock, have you accounted for the variable mass of whales and water in your time re-entry program?
Spock: Mr. Scott cannot give me exact figures, Admiral, so... I will make a guess.
Kirk: A guess? You, Spock? That's extraordinary.
Spock: [to Dr. McCoy] I don't think he understands.
McCoy: No, Spock. He means that he feels safer about your guesses than most other people's facts.
Spock: Then you're saying...
Spock: It is a compliment?
McCoy: It is.
Spock: Ah. Then, I will try to make the best guess I can.
McCoy: Please do.
Spock: Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?
Kirk: Spock, where the hell's the power you promised?
Spock: One damn minute, Admiral.
McCoy: [probing Chekov's head] Tearing of the middle meningeal artery...
Doctor #1: What's your degree in, dentistry?
McCoy: How do YOU explain slowing pulse, low respiratory rate and coma?
Doctor #1: Fundascopic examination!
McCoy: Fundascopic examination is unrevealing in these cases!
Doctor #1: A simple evacuation of the epidural hematoma will relieve the pressure!
McCoy: My God man, drilling holes in his head is not the answer! The artery must be repaired! Now, put away your butcher's knives and let me save this patient before it's too late!
Chekov: [to a policeman] Excuse me, sir! Can you direct us to the naval base in Alameda? It's where they keep the nuclear wessels.
[He pauses, looks at Uhura, and tries again]
Chekov: *Nuclear wessels*.
McCoy: You realize that by giving him the formula you're altering the future.
Scotty: Why? How do we know he didn't invent the thing?
Ambassador Sarek: As I recall, I opposed your enlistment in Starfleet. It is possible that judgment was incorrect. Your associates are people of good character.
Spock: They are my friends.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Sure you won't change your mind?
Spock: Is there something wrong with the one I have?
Spock: [in response to Kirk pawning his antique spectacles from The Wrath of Khan] Excuse me, Admiral. But weren't those a birthday gift from Dr. McCoy?
Kirk: And they will be again, that's the beauty of it.
[to the Antique Store Owner]
Kirk: How much?
Antique Store Owner: Well, they'd be worth more if the lenses were intact. I'll give you one hundred dollars for them.
Kirk: [pause] Is that a lot?
Kirk: Out of the way...
Shore Patrolman: Sorry, Doctor, I have strict orders...
Dr. Gillian Taylor: [Gillian moans in pain]
McCoy: My God, man. Do you want an acute case on your hands? This woman has immediate postprandial, upper-abdominal distention. Now, out of the way! Get out of the way!
[They enter the operating room]
Kirk: What did you say she has?
McCoy: Cramps.
Scotty: Admiral, there be whales here!
Ambassador Sarek: Do you have a message for your mother?
Spock: Yes. Tell her I feel fine.
Kirk: Our mission? Spock, you're talking about the end of every life on Earth! You're half human.
Kirk: Haven't you got any goddamn feelings about THAT?
McCoy: [Dr. McCoy is talking about Mr. Spock]
McCoy: I don't know if you've got the whole picture, but he's not exactly working on all thrusters.
Vulcan Computer: What was Kiri-Kin-Tha's first law of metaphysics?
Spock: Nothing unreal exists.
Spock: To hunt a species to extinction is not logical.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Whoever said the human race was logical?
Dr. Gillian Taylor: He's just gonna hang around the bushes while we eat?
Kirk: [shrugs] It's his way.
[about 20th Century America]
Kirk: This is an extremely primitive and paranoid culture.
[Chekov is being interrogated]
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: Name.
Chekov: My name?
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: [sarcastically] No, my name.
Chekov: I do not know your name.
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: You play games with me, Mister, and you're through.
Chekov: I am? May I go now?
McCoy: You sure this is such a bright idea?
Kirk: What do you mean?
McCoy: [referring to Spock] I mean him! Back at his post like nothing happened. I don't know if you got the whole picture or not, but he's not quite operating on all thrusters!
Kirk: It'll come back to him.
McCoy: Are you sure?
[Kirk doesn't answer]
McCoy: That's what I thought.
[the crew is on a shuttlecraft pondering what their new starship will be]
Sulu: ...I'm counting on the *Excelsior*.
Scotty: The *Excelsior*? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?
Kirk: A ship is a ship.
Scotty: Whatever you say so.
Scotty: Thy will be done.
[the new starship USS *Enterprise* 1701-A emerges into view]
Kirk: My friends.
Kirk: We've come home.
Klingon Ambassador: Vulcans are well-known as the intellectual puppets of this Federation!
Ambassador Sarek: Your vessel did destroy the USS Grissom, your men did kill Kirk's son. Do you deny these events?
Klingon Ambassador: We deny nothing. We have the right to preserve our race.
Ambassador Sarek: You have the right to commit murder?
Gillian: You're not from the military are you? Trying to teach whales to retrieve torpedoes or some dipshit stuff like that?
Kirk: No, ma'am. No dipshit.
Gillian: Well, good. That was one thing, I would have dropped you off right here.
Spock: Gracie is pregnant.
[Gillian brakes to a sudden stop]
McCoy: Hi. Busy?
Spock: Uhura is busy. I am monitoring.
Spock: Admiral, may I ask you a question?
Kirk: Spock, don't call me "Admiral". You used to call me Jim. Don't you remember, "Jim"?
Spock: [He gives a blank look]
Kirk: [He gives up] What's your question?
Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, "double dumb-ass on you" and so forth.
Kirk: Oh, you mean the profanity?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Well that's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word.
McCoy: Perhaps, we could cover a little philosophical ground. Life
McCoy: Death
McCoy: Life.
McCoy: Things of that nature.
Spock: I did not have time on Vulcan to review the philosophical disciplines.
McCoy: C'mon, Spock, it's me, McCoy. You really have gone where no man's gone before. Can't you tell me what it felt like?
Spock: It would be impossible to discuss the subject without a common frame-of-reference.
McCoy: You're joking!
Spock: A joke
Spock: is a story with a humorous climax.
McCoy: You mean I have to die to discuss your insights on death?
Spock: Forgive me, Doctor. I am receiving a number of distress calls.
McCoy: I don't doubt it.
Kirk: If we play our cards right, we may be able to find out when those whales are being released.
Spock: How will playing cards help?
McCoy: [McCoy, masked and in surgical garb, passes an elderly woman groaning on a gurney in the hallway] What's the matter with you?
Elderly patient: [weakly] Kidney
Elderly patient: dialysis.
McCoy: [geniunely surprised] Dialysis?
[musing to himself]
McCoy: What is this, the Dark Ages?
[He turns back to the patient and hands her a large white pill]
McCoy: Here,
McCoy: you swallow that, and if you have any more problems, just call me!
[He pats her cheek and leaves]
Spock: Ready to engage computer, Admiral.
Kirk: What's our target in time?
Spock: Late twentieth century.
Kirk: Can you be more specific?
Spock: Not with this equipment. I've had to program some of the variables from memory.
Kirk: What are some of the variables?
Spock: The availability of fuel components, mass of the vessel through a time continuum, and probable location of humpback whales - in this case, the Pacific Basin.
Kirk: And you programmed all that from memory?
Spock: I have.
McCoy: Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!
Spock: [recognizing the quote] Hamlet, Act One, Scene Four.
Kirk: [smiling] No doubt about your memory, Spock. Engage computers. Prepare for warp speed.
Disgruntled guy in car: Hey, why don't ya watch where you're going, ya dumb-ass!
Kirk: Well, uh, double dumb-ass on you!
Kirk: May fortune favor the foolish.
McCoy: I mean, I may have carried your soul, but I sure couldn't fill your shoes.
Spock: My shoes?
McCoy: Forget it.
Chekov: Cloaking device now available on all flight modes.
Kirk: I'm impressed - That's a lot of work for a short voyage.
Chekov: We are in an enemy wessel, sir. I did not wish to be shot down on our way to our own funeral.
Kirk: Good thinking.
[Kirk and Spock enter a bus headed for the aquarium - only to exit the bus about two seconds later]
Spock: [to Kirk] What does it mean, "exact change"?
Amanda: Spock, does the good of the many out weigh the good of the one?
Spock: I would accept that as an axiom.
Amanda: Then you stand here alive because of a mistake made by your flawed, feeling, human friends. They have sacrificed their futures because they believed that the good of the one - you - was more important to them.
Spock: Humans make illogical decisions.
Amanda: They do, indeed.
Sulu: San Francisco.
Sulu: I was born there.
[after landing and cloaking a Klingon spaceship in Golden Gate Park]
Kirk: Everybody remember where we parked.
Shore Patrolman: How's the patient, doctor?
Kirk: He's gonna make it.
Shore Patrolman: He? You came in with a she.
Kirk: One little mistake...
Lt. Saavik: [to Kirk] David died most bravely. He saved Spock. He saved us all. I thought you should know.
Scotty: Damage control is easy. Reading Klingon - that's hard.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Don't tell me you don't use money in the 23rd Century.
Kirk: Well, we don't.
Elderly patient: [the dialysis patient is being wheeled down the hall after being given the pill by McCoy]
Elderly patient: The doctor gave me a pill, and I grew a new kidney! The doctor gave me a pill, and I grew a new kidney!
Intern #1: [in disbelief, walking ahead of the patient] Fully functional?
Intern #2: [incredulous] Fully functional!
Spock: Admiral, if we were to assume these whales were ours to do with as we pleased, we would be as guilty as those who caused their extinction.
[Gillian has just beamed aboard the Klingon ship for the first time]
Kirk: Hello, Alice. Welcome to "Wonderland".
Kirk: This is good-bye?
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Why does it have to be good-bye?
Kirk: Well, like they say in your century, I don't even have your telephone number.
[last lines]
[on the bridge of the new Enterprise]
Sulu: Helm ready, Captain.
Kirk: All right, Mr. Sulu. Let's see what she's got.
Federation Council president: [In an emergency transmission] This is the President of the United Federation of Planets. Do not approach the Earth. The transmissions of an orbiting probe are causing critical damage to this planet. It has almost totally ionized our atmosphere. All power sources have failed. All Earth-orbiting starships are powerless. The probe is vaporizing our oceans. We cannot survive unless a way can be found to respond to the probe. Further communications may not be possible. Save your energy.
Federation Council president: Save yourselves. Avoid the planet Earth at all costs. Farewell.
[Transmission distorts and fades away]
[to 20th Century American interrogators]
Chekov: I am Pavel Chekov, a commander in Starfleet. United Federation of Planets Service Number 656-5827D.
McCoy: You're going to try time traveling in this rustbucket?
Kirk: Well, we've done it before.
McCoy: Sure, you slingshot around the Sun, pick up enough speed - You're in time warp. If you don't, you're fried.
Kirk: I prefer it to nothing.
McCoy: I prefer a dose of common sense! You're proposing that we go backwards in time, find humpback whales, then bring them foward in time, drop 'em off, and hope to Hell they tell this probe what to do with itself!
Kirk: That's the general idea.
McCoy: Well, that's crazy!
Kirk: You've got a better idea?
Kirk: Now's the time.
Gillian: [to Kirk] See you round the galaxy.
Kirk: You're not exactly catching us at our best.
Spock: That much is certain.
[Kirk is pacing back and forth, considering a below-decks room in the Klingon ship for possible whale transport]
Kirk: Scotty, how long is this bay?
Scotty: About sixty feet, Admiral.
Kirk: Can you enclose it to hold water?
Scotty: [laughs] I suppose I could. You planning to take a swim?
McCoy: [sourly] Off the deep end, Mr. Scott!
Kirk: We got to find some humpbacks.
Scotty: Humpbacked... people?
Kirk: Whales, Mr. Scott, whales!
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Wait a minute. How did you know Gracie's pregnant? Nobody knows that.
Spock: Gracie does.
Scotty: [over the intercom] I'm ready, Spock! Let's go find George and Gracie!
Kirk: You mean the profanity? That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays attention to you unless you swear every other word. You'll find it in all the literature of the period.
Spock: For example?
Kirk: Oh the collected works of Jacqueline Susann. The novels of Harold Robbins...
Spock: Ah, the "Giants".
Ambassador Sarek: It is difficult to answer, when one does not understand the question.
[Kirk has just spoken very abruptly to Mr. Scott]
Scotty: He's in a wee bit of a snit, isn't he?
Spock: He is a man of deep feelings.
Scotty: Aye, what else is new?
Kirk: They say the sea is cold, but the sea contains the hottest blood of all.
Gillian: "Whales Weep Not" - D. H. Lawrence.
Chekov: Please, please - We're looking for the naval base in Alameda can you tell us where the nuclear wessels are?
Random Passerby: Oh, I don't know if I know the answer to that. I think it's across the Bay. In Alameda!
Chekov: That's what I said - Alameda, I know that.
Cmdr. Uhura: But where is Alameda?
Lady in tour: [seeing Spock mind-melding with George the whale] Maybe he's singing to that man.
2nd Garbageman: [after seeing the invisible Klingon ship flatten a garbage can while landing in Golden Gate Park] Did you see that?
1st Garbageman: No, and neither did you so shut up!
Klingon Ambassador: Behold the quintessential Devil in these matters: James T. Kirk, renegade and terrorist.
Saratoga captain: What do you make of it?
Saratoga science officer: It appears to be a probe, Captain. From an intelligence unknown to us.
Saratoga captain: Continue transmitting universal peace and hello in all known languages. Get me Starfleet Command.
Saratoga helmsman: Ready, Captain.
Saratoga captain: Starfleet Command, this is the U.S.S. Saratoga patrolling sector five, neutral zone. We're tracking a probe of unknown origin on apparent trajectory to the Terran solar system. Attempts to communicate with the probe have been negative on all known frequencies.
Starfleet Command: Continue tracking, Saratoga. We will analyze transmissions and advise.
Kirk: [Trying to revive Mr. Checkov] Pavel, talk to me
Kirk: Name! Rank!
Chekov: [groggily] Chekov, Pavel. Rank
Chekov: Admiral!
Klingon Ambassador: Remember this well - there shall be no peace as long as Kirk lives.
Federation Council president: Captain Spock, you do not stand accused.
Spock: Mister President, I stand with my shipmates.
Federation Council president: As you wish.
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: What do you think?
FBI Agent 2: He's a Russki.
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life, of course he's a Russki but he's a retard or something...
FBI Agent 2: You better call Washington.
Chekov: [picks up his phaser from the table, aiming at the FBI agents] Don't move!
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: OK, make nice, give us the ray gun.
Chekov: I warn you, if you don't lie on the floor... I will have to stun you.
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: Go ahead. Stun me.
Chekov: I'm very sorry, but...
[tries to fire the phaser, but it jams. Laughs nervously]
Chekov: Heh, must be the radiation.
[throws the phaser at the FBI agent and escapes through a back door]
Spock: Father.
Ambassador Sarek: I am returning to Vulcan within the hour, I would like to take my leave of you.
Spock: It was most kind of you to make this effort.
Ambassador Sarek: It was no effort. You are my son. And besides, I am most impressed with your performance in this... crisis.
Spock: Most kind.
Ambassador Sarek: As I recall, I opposed your enlistment in Starfleet. It is possible that judgment was incorrect. Your associates are people of good character.
Spock: They are my friends.
Ambassador Sarek: Yes, of course. Do you have a message for your mother?
Spock: Yes. Tell her, "I feel fine." Live long and prosper, father.
Ambassador Sarek: Live long and prosper, my son.
McCoy: My God, man! Drilling holes in his head isn't the answer! Now put away your butcher knives and let me save this patient before it's too late!
[Captain Kirk and his crew prepare to time warp in order to retrieve Humpback whales from the past; via sling-shooting around the sun]
Kirk: [to himself] May fortune favor the foolish...
[normal voice]
Kirk: Warp speed, Mister Sulu.
Sulu: Aye, sir. Warp speed.
[the captured Klingon Vessel speeds up at warp speed]
Sulu: [silence in the cockpit; nonchalantly] Warp two... warp three.
Kirk: [uneasy] Steady as she goes...
Sulu: Warp four...
[a metallic reading plate slips off of Spock's desk. Spock reaches for it, but it falls into the grate. As the ship gets closer and closer to the sun, the interior of the Klingon vessel begins to vibrate gradually]
Sulu: Warp five...
[Another metallic reading plate slips off of Uhura's communications desk; clattering to the floor]
Sulu: Warp six...
[several objects fall to the floor noisily in the background as the ship's alarms go off]
Sulu: Warp seven... warp eight...
Chekov: Sir... heat shield's at maximum!
Sulu: [over the alarms] warp NINE! Time warp two, Time warp three...
Kirk: [over the noise] We need to break away the speed.
Sulu: [literally shouting over the alarms] Time warp five, Time warp six, Time warp seven, Time warp eight...
[a screen bursts into shatters due to the pressure from the sun; Uhura screams. Kirk, Chekov, McCoy and Spock immediately turn their heads toward Uhrua's direction]
Cmdr. Uhura: [over the noise] I'm fine... I'm all right.
[Kirk lets out a sigh of relief; steam hisses as the ceiling cracks; the window shows that they are getting really close to the sun]
Kirk: [shouts] NOW MISTER SULU!
[the ship successfully maneuvers around the sun]
Punk singer: Just what is the future? / The things we've done and said? / Let's just push the button / We'd be better off dead / 'Cause I hate you / And I berate you / And I can't wait to get to you / The sins of all the fathers / Being dumped on us, the sons / The only choice we're given is / "How many megatons?" / And I eschew you / And I say *screw* you! / And I hope you're blue too / We're all bloody worthless...
Federation Council president: The Council is now in session. If you will all take your seats. Bring in the accused.
[Spock leaves his seat and he moves at side of Kirk]
Federation Council president: Captain Spock, you do not stand accused.
Spock: Mister President, I stand with my shipmates.
Federation Council president: As you wish. The charges and specifications are: conspiracy, assault on Federation Officers, theft of Federation Property namely the Starship Enterprise, sabotage of the U.S.S. Excelsior, wilful destruction of Federation Property specifically the aforementioned U.S.S. Enterprise, and finally disobeying direct orders of the Starfleet Commander. Admiral Kirk, how do you plead?
Kirk: On behalf of all of us, Mister President, I am authorised to plead guilty.
Federation Council president: So entered. Because of certain mitigating circumstances, all charges but one are summarily dismissed. The remaining charge, disobeying orders of a superior officer is directed solely at Admiral Kirk. I'm sure the Admiral will recognise the necessity of keeping discipline in any chain of command.
Kirk: I do, sir.
Federation Council president: James T. Kirk. It is the judgment of this Council that you be reduced in rank to Captain, and that as a consequence of your new rank, you be given the duties for which you have repeatedly demonstrated unswerving ability: the command of a starship.

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