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Two aimless middle-aged losers still living at home are forced against their will to become room-mates when their parents marry.
Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison! Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit! Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Male Therapist: So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself. Dale Doback: I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and... I just figure it out. Male Therapist: Is this Good Will Hunting? Dale Doback: No. Male Therapist: It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting. Dale Doback: Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck...
[about Robert] Brennan Huff: I'm not gonna call him Dad. Nancy Huff: Brennan, you're 39 years old. I wouldn't expect you to call him Dad. Brennan Huff: Well I'm not going to, *ever*! Even if there's a fire!
Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors. Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
Dale Doback: Why are you so sweaty? Brennan Huff: I was watching Cops.
Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the weiner. Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!
Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!
Dr. Robert Doback: You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES! Brennan Huff: Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck! Nancy Huff: Brennan. Brennan Huff: Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000. Nancy Huff: Oh, stop it! Stop it right... Brennan Huff: Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass... Nancy Huff: Brennan! Brennan Huff: ...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!
Brennan Huff: I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.
Dale Doback: I'm just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here. Dr. Robert Doback: Dale, I think it's time for a change. For both of us. Dale Doback: Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked. [brief pause] Dr. Robert Doback: We literally have never done any of those things.
[Dale and Brennan are in beds next to each other] Dale Doback: [whispering] Hey, you awake? Brennan Huff: [also whispering] Yeah. Dale Doback: I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad. Brennan Huff: Well that's fine. Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass. Dale Doback: Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime. Brennan Huff: Who's the retard? Dale Doback: You. Brennan Huff: [raising his voice] Hey ya'll don't say that! Dale Doback: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded. Brennan Huff: Just shut up! Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors. Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck! Dale Doback: [Dale turns his face to Brennan] Oh yeah? Brennan Huff: [Brennan turns his face to Dale] Yeah. Dale Doback: I'm a curly-headed fuck? Brennan Huff: Yeah. You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I'm gonna punch you square in the face. Dale Doback: I hope you stay still when you sleep, cause I'm gonna put a rat trap between your legs. Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you. [Dale turns away from Brennan] Dale Doback: I want you out of my fucking house! Brennan Huff: No way Kimosabe. This is my house now.
Brennan Huff: Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that motherfucker! Nancy Huff: Jesus, Brennan!
Brennan Huff: I remember my first beer. Dale Doback: That's so funny the first time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
Dale Doback: Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!
Brennan Huff: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale. Dale Doback: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you mean.
Dr. Robert Doback: When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur, I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world, I made my arms short and I roamed the back yard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared, everybody knew me and was afraid of me, and one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it's time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job".
Dale Doback: Hey man. Did you touch my drumset? Brennan Huff: [Brennan nods his head] Brennan Huff: Nope. Dale Doback: It's just weird, 'cause, it seems like someone definitely touched my drumset. Brennan Huff: Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch 'em. Dale Doback: [Dale throws Brennan's feet off the couch] Brennan Huff: Hey! Dale Doback: [angrily] Did you touch my drumset? Brennan Huff: Hey, knock it off! Dale Doback: I know you touched my drumstick, 'cause the left one has a chip in it. Brennan Huff: Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated. Dale Doback: Fuck you Brennan! I know you touched my drumset, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it. Brennan Huff: Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass! Dale Doback: You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then! Brennan Huff: I don't have to swear to shit! Dale Doback: That's 'cause you fucking touched my drumset! 'Cause I know COPS doesn't start 'till 4:00! Brennan Huff: [Brennan begins to leave the room] Dale Doback: Where you going? Brennan Huff: I'm going upstairs... 'cause I'm gonna put my nutsack, on your drumset! Okay? [Brennan continues to walk upstairs towards his drumset] Dale Doback: If you do that - I'm warning you, right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife!
Brennan Huff: I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins. Nancy Huff: You dont know anyone named Johnny Hopkins. Brennan Huff: It was Johnny Hopkins, and Sloan Kettering, and they were blazin that shit up everyday.
Dale Doback: [after hearing Brennan sing] You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.
Sporting Goods Manager: [after Dale finishes his very prolonged fart] Was that a fart? Dale Doback: I don't know. Sporting Goods Manager: I can taste it. On my tongue. Dale Doback: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart. Sporting Goods Manager: Is that onion? Onion and... Onion and ketchup. Sporting Goods Manager: It stinks. And this is a small room. Brennan Huff: Shit. Sporting Goods Manager: Okay. Now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.
Derek: So, what do we do now? Brennan Huff: We could hug? Derek: Yeah, you'd like that, you faggot!... I'm sorry, I'm new to this.
Brennan Huff: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain? Derek: What? Brennan Huff: If you lick my butt hole.
Alice: Stay golden, Ponyboy.
Dr. Robert Doback: We're putting the house on the market. Dale Doback: Where are we moving? Brennan Huff: Is the house haunted? Dr. Robert Doback: Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream. Dale Doback: Well what about us? Nancy Huff: I- I'm sorry. Robert... we thought that you should take responsibility for your own lives. Dr. Robert Doback: And this is the exciting part. We're gonna put enough money in your accounts for a security deposit on an apartment. Dale Doback: What's this all about? Nancy Huff: Um, more than just money. We're gonna get you another kind of support as well. Dr. Robert Doback: You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. And guys, that's non-negotiable. Brennan Huff: Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy? [Robert nods] Brennan Huff: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Nancy Huff: You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs. Brennan Huff: Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, "Lets get it on." Dale Doback: That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper! Brennan Huff: Look, I didn't touch your drum set, okay? Dale Doback: I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
Dale Doback: On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three. Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Velociraptor. Brennan Huff: Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to. Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Good Housekeeping. Brennan Huff: If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with? Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: John Stamos. Dale Doback: [stomps foot] What? Brennan Huff: Did we just become best friends? Dale Doback: Yep! [they high five each other] Brennan Huff: Do you wanna do karate in the garage? Dale Doback: Yep!
Dale Doback: [as they are called back into the office for their first interview] We're here to fuck shit up!
Nancy Huff: [Brennan and Dale are sleeping, Nancy walks in to wake them up] Guys. Guys. Guys! Brennan Huff: [Both guys wake up and quote last line from their dreams] I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy. Dale Doback: The clown has no penis. Nancy Huff: What kind of dreams are you guys having? Hey, it's 12:30. Brennan, your brother's coming today, so you might want to get up. Brennan Huff: Today? Nancy Huff: Yep. Brennan Huff: Shit. Dale Doback: What's your problem? Brennan Huff: My little brother is even a bigger asshole than you are.
Brennan Huff: Holy Santa Claus Shit!
Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: Chewbacca masks! [Growling, cheering and high-fiving. One mask is made with artificial fur, and the other is only molded rubber] Dale Doback: Chewbacca! Brennan Huff: It's okay that mine's not movie quality.
Alice: I wanna roll you up in a little ball and shove you up my vagina... You could just live there, it's warm and it's cozy... Oh I'd just walk around with you in there and just knowing, whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch it's your hair on my vagina!
Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags. Dale Doback: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.
Brennan Huff: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!
Denise: So, I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce. Brennan Huff: Okay. Denise: How old were you when they got divorced? Brennan Huff: Fifteen. Denise: That's a hard age. Brennan Huff: Yes. Yeah. Denise: Do you want to talk about some of those feelings? Brennan Huff: I love you. Denise: Obviously... you don't know me. Brennan Huff: I love you so much. Denise: Thank you, and I will take that as a feeling that you have of... comfortability with me. Brennan Huff: It's more than comfortability. I mean, I fuckin' love you. Denise: Okay, I... think... Brennan Huff: I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now. Denise: That is so... off-putting. Brennan Huff: You're not feeling this? Denise: In no way, shape, or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever.
Dale Doback: The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
Dale Doback: Brennan you're alive! Oh my God! Brennan Huff: I know. I'm alive. Dale Doback: You were dead. I saw you die. Brennan Huff: I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.
Dale Doback: [referring to him and Brennan geting beat up by kids, while crying] You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.
Dale Doback: [while Brennan is singing] Boats and hoes!
Nancy Huff: [as Dale and Brennan knock each other out after fighting each other] WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?
Brennan Huff: Shut your mouth. Sh-sh-shut your mouth.
Derek: I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out. [Points to ab muscles] Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit? Dale Doback: No. Derek: You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.
Brennan Huff: We put liquid paper on a bee, and it died.
Dale Doback: Boats and hoes!
Derek: I have to sell or lease at last 80 helicopters to make my nut. And you... You mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick. Randy: Like Kobayashi. Randy: [makes eating noise] Derek: I've seen him do it. Brennan Huff: You've actually seen him eating a man's penis? Derek: It was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him. But I saw it.
Dr. Robert Doback: Rock the fuck out of those drums, Dale!
Dale Doback: Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon? Brennan Huff: Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword... And you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, Right? Dale Doback: I would've done the exact same thing.
Brennan Huff: Your drumsets a whore! I tea bagged your drumset! Dale Doback: My drumsets a guy so it makes you gay you fucker!
Brennan Huff: [Putting nutsack on Dale's drumset] John Bonham playing Moby Dick for real.
Derek: Brennan has a man-gina!
Brennan Huff: This wedding is horse shit!
Dale Doback: Look... we can bicker about this night, but what's done is done Dad. Are you guys going to invest or not? Dr. Robert Doback: That's it!
Brennan Huff: I have a green belt... read it and weep. Dale Doback: I don't believe in belts.
Dr. Robert Doback: [they start getting hot and heavy] My name is Robert, and I play racquetball. I collect coins. [breathes heavily] Dr. Robert Doback: Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food! Nancy Huff: [breathing heavily] I am Nancy Huff; I know how to make Tandoori Chicken. [continues undressing] Nancy Huff: I contribute to NPR every single year... [pause] Nancy Huff: ... and I love the movies of Rob Reiner! Pilates changed my life! [they continue making out while stripping off their clothes] Dr. Robert Doback: [they make out on the bed] I have a boat, and I wanna retire and sail around the world... Nancy Huff: Oh, I LOVE the sea! [they kiss and embrace each other] Dr. Robert Doback: And I drive a Mercedes and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale, who still lives at home! [pause] Nancy Huff: [rises from the bed and looks down at him, shocked] What did you *just* say? Dr. Robert Doback: [sulks] Oh! I knew I shouldn't have told you that! Nancy Huff: I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan- who still lives at home with me! [they begin to have sex]
Dale Doback: [after knocking Brennen unconscious and dragging him across the lawn rolled up in a carpet] This is just like Cold Case files! This is just like Cold Case files! This is just like Cold Case files!
Alice: [sobs as she clings to Dale] OH, I *HATE* MY LIFE, DALE! [continues sobbing] Alice: DALE, I HATE MY LIFE!
Brennan Huff: [mowing lawn, dressed as Nazi] Hey Derek, sprechen sie dick?
Brennan Huff: [in his therapist's fantasy] I've traveled five hundred miles to give my seed.
Brennan Huff: I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna to do what's sensible, I'm gonna file for unemployment. Then I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because they got an excellent corporate structure and they... *they* give *you* the tools to be your own boss.
Derek: [Derek suddenly climbs up Brennan's treehouse with a beer] What's up, faggots? [to Brennan] Derek: What's up man? What? You're not gonna come down and say hi to me? What's with that, dipshit? Huh? Brennan Huff: [faintly] Hi, Derek. Derek: Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking. You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here... Dale Doback: What is your problem, man? Derek: My problem? I don't know! I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year! [smirks] Derek: How much did you make? Dale Doback: [shrugs] It's not about money... Derek: No, it's not about money. Well, for me, it's a little bit about money... [pause] Derek: And I made that much money last year. I am the VP of the biggest executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard. Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out! [Derek lifts up his shirt and shows Dale and Brennan his chest abs] Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with! Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen!
Dale Doback: [both waking up from dreams on top of each other] Oh no, I'm late for school. Brennan Huff: I'll kiss you on the mouth, Kenny Rogers.
Dale Doback: Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week.
Nancy Huff: [speaking at her wedding] Well, as you all know, my youngest son, Derek, couldn't be here because of an important fishing trip. But my other son, Brennan, was going to be moving into his own place, but he was recently let go from his job at PetSmart, so he is gonna be living with us. Brennan Huff: [raises up out of his chair] I wasn't *fired* from my job, I was laid off, but you wouldn't know the difference! [he raises his plate] Brennan Huff: I DIDN'T WANT SALMON! I SAID IT FOUR TIMES! [Brennan throws his plate and walks out of the room] Brennan Huff: This wedding is *HORSESHIT!*
[repeated line] Dr. Robert Doback: You know what I got for Christmas? A crushed soul!
Dr. Robert Doback: [as Dale is playing video games in his room] Dale... Dale, I'm leaving for the conference. Dale Doback: You leave me money for pizza, Dad? Dr. Robert Doback: Yeah. There's $20 on the hall table. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy! Dale Doback: But what if I want wings? Dr. Robert Doback: [as he leaves out of the house] You don't need wings! Dale Doback: That's *NOT* ENOUGH, DAD!
Dr. Robert Doback: [at his wedding ceremony] I would like to thank all of you... for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day! And I would like to raise my glass; Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms! Dale Doback: [abruptly gets up out of his chair and throws his plate, rolling his eyes] UGH! Get a room, Dad! Dr. Robert Doback: [as Dale walks out] Oh for chris- Dale!
Dale Doback: Hey Brenden Brennan Huff: Good to see ya Dale. Dale Doback: Thanks for hiring our catering company. Brennan Huff: Easy decision. You guys have an outstanding track record. Dale Doback: [looks around and sighs] This is like old times huh? Brennan Huff: Ah, it really is! Brennan Huff: You still have your night vision goggles? Dale Doback: No, no. No, I had to sell those to pay for car insurance... How about you? You still kickin' boards or breakin' holes in pumpkins or anything? Brennan Huff: No... but I did start taking baby aspirin. To reduce my risk for heart attack. Dale Doback: That makes sense. You gotta keep an eye on it. Brennan Huff: You really do. Dale Doback: Gotta knock off the sweets! [laughs] Brennan Huff: Thank you! [laughs as well] Brennan Huff: That's a tr- that's a truly funny observation! Dale Doback: [finishes laughing] Yeah.
Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team. Nancy Huff: Oh, little league? Dale Doback: Fantasy league.
Dale Doback: Hey, can I ask you something? Brennan Huff: Yeah. Dale Doback: You know back when you first moved in? Brennan Huff: Yeah. Dale Doback: Did you touch my drumset? Brennan Huff: No, I didn't. Dale Doback: No, really, I won't get mad I just want to know. Brennan Huff: No I know. You said you wouldn't get mad. I'm just telling you I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I never did it. Dale Doback: Well then I owe you an apology. Brennan Huff: No, you don't, at all. No. Dale Doback: Why would you take an apology if you didn't do it? Brennan Huff: Because I'm cool. It doesn't matter
Dale Doback: [attacking Brennan after catching him messing around with his drum set] I warned you! There's *one rule* in the house, and you broke it! [Dale and Brennan continuing fighting]
Dr. Robert Doback: I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you. Dale Doback: Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Fuck you!
Dr. Robert Doback: You have one month to find jobs or you're out on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday and you will go! Dale Doback: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son. Dr. Robert Doback: I'm not buying that crap anymore!
Brennan Huff: I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?
Denise: Brennan, I thought you were incredibly brave. And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible, with no emotional, intimate, sexual, or any other undertones that you could possibly infer.
Derek: What if I were to tell you that I could sell this house... for 30 percent above market? Dr. Robert Doback: That'd be great. Could you do it? Derek: Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby. Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs. I'd even do it for four-fifths commish... because you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends.
Dr. Robert Doback: [presenting in front of a crowd at a conference] The RTI cochlear implant is the state-of-the-art implantable hearing device due to its input processing of sound via the speech processor. [pause] Dr. Robert Doback: But the most exciting new development is the external processor, which fits directly over the ear... [he suddenly spots Nancy Huff in the audience and becomes transfixed] Dr. Robert Doback: ... which eliminates the need to... put your face between those breasts, and- [audience laughs]
Dale Doback: Hey. Are you awake? Brennan Huff: Yeah. Dale Doback: I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house. Brennan Huff: I know. I feel bad. Dale Doback: Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here. Brennan Huff: Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are. Dale Doback: You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad. Brennan Huff: Yeah. Dale Doback: But I can't imagine how you feel after my dad looked right at you and said it's all your fault that they broke up. Brennan Huff: That's funny, because my mom said: "If that curly-headed fuck Dale wasn't here everything would be perfect." Dale Doback: You take that back. Brennan Huff: No way. It's your fault. Dale Doback: You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land. You refuse to get a joband you don't know what it's like to work for something. Brennan Huff: You don't take responsibility for your actions. This is all your fault! Dale Doback: Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public! Dale Doback: [Brennan leaves the bedroom angrily] Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy, because you know it's true. Just avoid everything. What are you doing? [Brennen is heard in the next room banging on the drums and chanting] Brennan Huff: Dale broke up Mom and Dad Dale Doback: Motherfucker! [Dale rushes into his office] Brennan Huff: Dale broke up Mom and Dad Dale broke up Mom and Dad [Dale picks up a cymbal and hits Brennan over the head with it. Brennan falls] Dale Doback: Brennan! Get up, Brennan, I know you're faking. Get up! Get up! Brennan?
Randy: [to Brennan] I don't know what it is about your face, [holds up fist] Randy: but I just wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole.
Nancy Huff: Brennan, Denise called and she said she can't spend New Years Eve with you because she's not your girlfriend she's your therapist Brennan Huff: Is that what she said? She's a rascal.
Dale Doback: Chewbacca masks!
Dale Doback: Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened? Nancy Huff: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart. Brennan Huff: Oh, he did? Nancy Huff: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you...? Dale Doback: No. I thought it was gonna be silent. Brennan Huff: It was not silent. Dale Doback: It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing. Brennan Huff: It got louder. It got louder.
Dale Doback: We're in the bathroom! Alice: This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on. [suddenly opens his pants and mounts him against the wall] Dale Doback: It's all slippery!
Brennan Huff: I love you. Denise: Obviously you don't know me. Brennan Huff: I love you so much. Denise: Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have of comfortibility with me. Brennan Huff: It's more that comfortability. I fuckin' love you. Denise: Okay I think that... Brennan Huff: I'm just thinking about our new life together. It feels like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now. Denise: That is so off-putting. Brennan Huff: You're not feeling this? Denise: In no way, shape, or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever
Dr. Robert Doback: [about his dream to be a dinosaur] So I thought, I'll be a doctor for a little while... and then go back to that. Brennan Huff: How is that even a skill?
Nancy Huff: We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding. Dr. Robert Doback: We completely understand. You were busy fishing... with Mark Cuban. Derek: Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well not just the Cube's, but Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst, super chef Bobby Flay. I mean, it was insane, it was almost too much.
Nancy Huff: [During Christmas Dinner. Tiffany is 12] What about you Tiffany, what did you get for Christmas? Tiffany: I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace, but next year I'm gonna ask Santa for breast implants because I'm impatient with my body.
Brennan Huff: Holy Thing from the Fantastic Four's shit!
Dale Doback: [Brennan is burying Dale in the garden] But I'm still alive! Brennan Huff: You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!
Dale Doback: [Talking to an employment agency worker] Look, I wanna' be honest with you. I really need a job. And, I will take any position - as long as it doesn't involve having sex with old ladies for money, or bear traps. Those are my two bugaboos.
Dale Doback: What is your problem, man? Derek: My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, uh, Dale. In fact, I have the opposite of a problem. I made over 550K last year. How much did you make? Dale Doback: It's not about money. Derek: It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made *that* much money last year.
[first lines] Nancy Huff: Hey, Brennan. Brennan Huff: Mom, I'm watching the thing... Nancy Huff: Yeah. I'm leaving. Brennan Huff: ...with the lady. Nancy Huff: Okay, I'll be home around 11. Brennan Huff: Bye, Mom. Nancy Huff: Bye, Brennan. aerobic instructress on TV: Let's slowly get those hips up. Brennan Huff: [shoves right hand down his pants to masturbate] aerobic instructress on TV: Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.
Derek: You can have some dope parties on this lawn. Second Homebuyer Husband: You don't have to talk like that. You can just say it's nice. Derek: Nah, that's how I talk. Look at this door, it's fresh.
[last lines] Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: [simultaneously getting out of bed to go sleepwalking; mumbling indistinctly] Dale Doback: You got my passport? Brennan Huff: What? Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly] Dale Doback: I'm good. Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly] Dale Doback: All right. Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly] Dale Doback: Don't worry, I'm not gonna be late. Don't worry.