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Two friends who are dissatisfied with their jobs decide to join the army for a bit of fun.
Psycho: The name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you. Leon: Ooooooh. Psycho: You just made the list, buddy. And I don't like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you. Sergeant Hulka: Lighten up, Francis.
John Winger: Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you? Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw "Old Yeller?" Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end? [raises his hand] John Winger: [Sarcastically] Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure. [hands are reluctantly raised] John Winger: I cried my eyes out. So we're all dogfaces, we're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us - we're soldiers. But we're American soldiers! We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're ten and one! Now we don't have to worry about whether or not we practiced. We don't have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us. Now do what I do, and say what I say. And make me proud.
Recruiter: Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That's robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing. John Winger: Convicted? No. Russell Ziskey: Never convicted.
Sergeant Hulka: Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let's hear your story. John Winger: Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination. [points to the soldier next to him] John Winger: Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka. [the soldiers start clapping] Sergeant Hulka: Well, okay, hotshot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are.
John Winger: C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like going into Wisconsin. Russell Ziskey: Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it!
General Barnicke: Are you telling me that you men finished your training on your own? John Winger: That's the fact, Jack. Soldiers: That's the fact, Jack.
[Winger's girlfriend is leaving him] John Winger: You can't go! All the plants are gonna *die*!
John Winger: And then depression set in.
Captain Stillman: All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar. Soldier with Mortar: What coordinates, sir? Captain Stillman: [annoyed] Coordinates? Soldier with Mortar: Yes, sir, they determine where the mortar's... Captain Stillman: Soldier, the army has spent a lot of money teaching you to fire that thing. Now set it and fire it. Soldier with Mortar: Sir, we don't know where the shell's gonna... Captain Stillman: Soldier. The only way to learn anything is to do it. Now fire the weapon.
[after stumbling on the sidewalk] Captain Stillman: Have that removed.
John Winger: Ma'am, I'm sure there are a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't.
John Winger: Why'd the chicken cross the road? Soldiers: To get from the left to the right John Winger: He stepped out of rank, got hit by a tank Soldiers: He ain't no chicken no more
[when Russell is teaching English class] Russell Ziskey: Okay, I know you're anxious to jump right in and start speaking English, but there's a couple of things I need to know first, because I've never done this before. So, how many of you would say you speak English fairly well, but with some difficulties? [pause] Russell Ziskey: A little English? [a man raises his hand] Russell Ziskey: Yes? You speak some English? Man learning English: Son of bitch. Shit. Class: [in unison] Son of bitch. Shit.
[Sergeant Hulka is on the ground after getting blown off of a tower] Dewey Oxburger: Sergeant, does this mean we're through for the day?
Russell Ziskey: [trying to teach the platoon to march] C'mon, rhythm! Hut, 2, 3, 4. Black guys help the white guys...
Russell Ziskey: I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.
Russell Ziskey: You could join a monastery. John Winger: Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls? Russell Ziskey: Never. John Winger: So much for the monastery.
John Winger: My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of shoes.
Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals? John Winger: [John and Russell look at each other] You mean, like, flaming, or... Recruiter: Well, it's a standard question we have to ask. Russell Ziskey: No, we're not homosexual, but we are *willing to learn*. John Winger: Yeah, would they send us someplace special? Recruiter: I guess that's "no" on both. Now if you could just give Uncle Sam your autograph...
Captain Stillman: [spying on female soldiers taking showers] I wish I was a loofah.
John Winger: Tito Puente's gonna be dead, and you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he's fabulous."
Sergeant Hulka: You better hit those bunks my little babies, or Sergeant Hulka with the "big toe" is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.
Sergeant Hulka: Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same. John Winger: Uncle Hulka?
Sergeant Hulka: Soldier, I've noticed that you're always last. John Winger: I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.
General Barnicke: Where have you been soldier? John Winger: Training, sir. Soldiers: Training, sir. General Barnicke: What kind of training? John Winger: Army training, sir. Soldiers: Army training, sir.
Captain Stillman: Well, explain yourselves. Dewey Oxburger: Well sir, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA, well one thing led to another, and the instructions got all fouled up... Captain Stillman: Shut up. Dewey Oxburger: Okay, Sir. Captain Stillman: You men are a *disgrace*. Maybe a few days in the stockade will help you change your rotten attitudes. Cruiser: But, um, we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir. Captain Stillman: That's even better. Tomorrow, you'll be on parade in front of General Barnicke. And when he sees what total fuck-ups you are, I will recommend that your whole platoon repeat the entire course of basic training.
Russell Ziskey: John, do you think I'm officer material? John Winger: God, I'm worried about you. Russell Ziskey: Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe. John Winger: Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck! Russell Ziskey: We've got each other.
General Barnicke: Where is your drill sergeant, men? John Winger: Blown up, sir! Soldiers: Blown up, sir!
Cruiser: I guess we're going after John and Russell. I can't believe they're Russian spies. Can you? Psycho: All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.
Stella Hansen: Okay, guys, you're home. Get out. Russell Ziskey: You're not gonna report this or anything, are you? Stella Hansen: I'm gonna treat it like a UFO sighting. I saw something, but I'm not quite sure what it was. Russell Ziskey: Thank You.
Dewey Oxburger: [as he gets off the bus at camp, to Capt. Stillman] How's it going, Eisenhower?
John Winger: [busting himself in the crotch with a suitcase] Oh, my balls! OH, MY BALLS!
Cruiser: I joined the army 'cause my father and my brother were in the army. I thought I'd better join before I got drafted. Sergeant Hulka: Son, there ain't no draft no more. Cruiser: There was one?
Captain Stillman: Where the fuck's my truck? Where - ? *Where's* *my* *truck*? Hey, where's the EM-50? Soldier Outside Motor Pool: A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed sir.
Sergeant Hulka: We got a full day ahead of us. We're gonna start out with a five-mile run. [Soldiers groan] John Winger: I know that I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested. Sergeant Hulka: Well, I'll tell you what, soldier. Let's make it ten miles.
Russell Ziskey: [while Winger is doing push ups for the bet with Ziskey] I think you're ready for the Special Olympics...
John Winger: Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.
Sergeant Hulka: I'm getting too old for this shit.
[after a shoe shine] John Winger: I don't think I've ever been this happy.
Russell Ziskey: [Russell has just accosted John, who is trying to sneak off the base in the middle of the night... Russell has John on the ground] Where do you think you're going? Are you going AWOL? Are you going AWOL? John Winger: No, I'm deserting. Russell Ziskey: You idiot! You desert now, it's a federal offense! John Winger: I'll take my chances with the feds! Russell Ziskey: You're not going anywhere! [pulls him up and throws him up against a tank] Russell Ziskey: You listen to me! You're gonna finish basic training! You're gonna keep your mouth shut, and you're gonna do everything he tells you! You know why? John Winger: [innocently] Why? Russell Ziskey: Because you talked me into this, you idiot! It was your idea! John Winger: I didn't talk you into this. You NEEDED this. Russell Ziskey: [drags John back to the ground] I'm gonna kill you, damn you! Where's the great pay? Where's the travel? Where's the Winnebago, Goddamnit! [MPs Stella and Louise pull up in their jeep]
Dewey Oxburger: It doesn't seem fair. John Winger: FAIR? Who cares about fair? The world isn't fair. Truth is fair. Is it fair that you were born like this? NO! They're not expecting somebody like you in there, Ox. They're expected one of these slugs. You're different. You're weird. You're a mutant. You're a killer. You're a trained killer. You're a LEAN... MEAN... FIGHTING... MACHINE! Dewey Oxburger: [after joining Murray for "FIGHTING... MACHINE!"] I'LL DO IT!
John Winger: We're so damned lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?
John Winger: I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend. Russell Ziskey: You still have your health.
Dewey Oxburger: My name's Dewey Oxburger. My friends call me Ox. You might have noticed that, uh, I've got a slight weight problem. Soldiers: Nooo! Noooo! Dewey Oxburger: Yeah, yeah I do. Yeah, I do. I went to this doctor. Well, he told me I swallow a lot of aggression... along with a lot of pizzas! Ha Ha Ha! Pizzas! I'm basically a shy person, I'm a shy guy. Uh, he suggested taking one these uh, aggression training courses. You know these aggression training courses like EST, those type of things. Anyway, it cost 400 bucks! 400 bucks to join this thing? Well I didn't have the money and I thought to myself, "Join the army"! It's free. So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds. And you got what, a 6 to 8 week training program here? A real tough one. Which is perfect for me. [Looks around at all the soldiers and gestures emphatically] Dewey Oxburger: I'm going to walk out of here a Lean, Mean, Fightin' Machine! Ha ha ha ha!
Col. Glass: [menacingly] You screw this up, Stillman... and I'll have you assigned to a weather station above the Artic Circle! You got that? Captain Stillman: [contrite] Yes, sir... thank you, sir. Col. Glass: Good. [turns and leaves]
Sergeant Hulka: When I tell you move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier. Understand? Cruiser: Yes, sir.
Sergeant Hulka: You don't say "sir" to me, I'm a sergeant, I work for a living. Soldiers: Yes, sergeant! Sergeant Hulka: I didn't hear you! Soldiers: *Yes, sergeant*! Sergeant Hulka: *That's* what I wanna hear. John Winger: Do you think this guy's over-doing it a bit?
Cruiser: My hobbies are fast cars and fast women because uh... that's why my... the guys in my car club call me the 'cruiser'. Dewey Oxburger: Should have called him the dork!
Sergeant Hulka: I'm talking about something important, like discipline and duty and honor and courage. And you ain't got none of it! John Winger: Those words mean so much to a man who scrubs garbage cans. Look, if you don't want me in your Army, kick me out, but get off my back.
John Winger: [Winger and Hansen are trapped by enemy fire] You know who would love this? Russell! John Winger, Stella Hansen: Russell! Russell! Help us! John Winger: [Russell fires the flamethrowers on the EM-50 driving the enemy back] Thaaaank yoooou!
Corporal, Stillman's aide: [Stillman is in his office, using a telescope to spy out his window and into the women's shower... Glass and the corporal walk in] Excuse me, C-C-Captain... Captain Stillman: [angry] When I don't want to be disturbed... Col. Glass: [interrupting] STILLMAN! Captain Stillman: [breaks the window and sends the telescope through it, then turns around and stands at attention] Yes, sir! Corporal, Stillman's aide: Colonel Glass to see you, sir. Captain Stillman: I can see that, Corporal! Dismissed. [to Glass] Captain Stillman: Oh, it's a pleasure to see you, sir! Col. Glass: Let's skip the bullshit, Captain. I have a problem, and I need your help. Are you familiar with the EM-50 project we have in Italy? Captain Stillman: Yes... it's a tank... or something. Col. Glass: [impatiently] It's an Urban Assault Vehicle!
Sergeant Hulka: Now, since nobody else has got the guts... [turns to John] Sergeant Hulka: ...to admit it, the rest of this platoon... will do the next two weekends on KP. [soldiers groan] Sergeant Hulka: How's that sound to you, mister? John Winger: I think it sucks.
John Winger: Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.
John Winger: Come on. Let's take the truck. [John stares at Russell. Russell looks away from the manual to John, then up to the EM-50] Russell Ziskey: Nooo. John Winger: Oh yeah. Russell Ziskey: Nooo. John Winger: Oh-ho, yeah. Russell Ziskey: No, no. John Winger: Oh-oh... Russell Ziskey: No. John Winger: ...yeah, yeah... Russell Ziskey: No. John Winger: ...yeah, yeah... Russell Ziskey: No. John Winger: ...yeah, yeah. Russell Ziskey: No, John. No. John Winger: I'll drive. Russell Ziskey: Okay.
John Winger: [knocking on the door of the room the soldiers are being held prisoner in] Hello? Hello? Dewey Oxburger: Hello? John Winger: [in a falsetto voice] Hello. Dewey Oxburger: Who is it? John Winger: It's Idi Amin. Elmo: It's Winger!