Conjoined twins from Martha's Vineyard move to Los Angeles so that one of them can pursue an acting career.

April: Can I ask you a personal question?
Walt: Nine inches.
April: [after surgery to separate the twins] Bob, you look good.
Walt: He looks good. What am I chopped liver?
April: Actually, yeah.
Walt: Christ Bob, you haven't been laid in five years.
Bob: Hey, how would you know?
[Walt gives him a serious look]
Bob: Damn.
1st AD: Excuse me, Miss Cher, there's a few fans outside hoping for autographs.
Cher: Allright, but I am not taking any pictures.
Cute Autograph Girl: Oh shit, it's just Cher.
Dart in Head Guy: [with dart stuck in his head] Hey, do I look different to you?
Man: You got a dart in your head, you dumb shit.
Bob: [to Walt] Don't you walk away from me!
Walt: All right. Burgers on the house!
[everyone shouts "Yeah!"]
Bob: He's just kiddin', you cheap bastards.
Walt: Hey, Dave. How about another tall one?
Dave: Got it. How about you there, Bob?
Bob: No, no. No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.
Walt: Times up Casanever. Can I join you for a drink?
Bar Hottie: Sure.
Walt: Okay, what's your name?
Bar Hottie: Debbie.
[they shake hands]
Walt: Hi I'm Walt Tenor.
Bar Hottie: Nice to meet you.
Walt: Nice to meet you!
Walt: What's a three-letter word for man's best friend?
April: Tit?
Walt: No, I've tried that already.
Walt: She's got mace.
May: [to motel clerk] Hey, you wouldn't happen to know if Bob was alone, would you?
Moe: I highly doubt it.
[on her new TV show]
Cher: This makes Touched by an Angel look like Trainspotting.
May: [to Bob and Walt] Look, I was hoping we could have a word in private, I mean just the three of us.
Bob: [to Walt, on the operating table just before the twins are anesthetized for dangerous separation surgery] Promise me you'll still be there when I wake up.
Rocket: [Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself] Hey Bob, get the lead out of your ass!
Bob: Hey, up yours, Rocket!
Rocket: [sarcastically] Oh, Nice Comeback.
Man in burger bar: [to Rocket] Hey! I ordered diet coke!
Rocket: Enjoy your meal
Man in burger bar: [to Bob] Hey, you shouldn't have freaks in here!
Bob: You know, you're absolutely right, we don't want freaks in here, so Rocket, would you kindly show this freak to the door?
Walt: What's a four-letter word for snatch?
Bob: Grab.
Walt: Oh... right. Whoopsie.
Bob: Hey, I'm alone!
Convenience Store Patron: Great buddy, you're gonna stay that way, too!
Walt: Are you kidding? You could win an humanitarian award for how nice you were to us.
Cher: Aww... no. Well, really, is there talk of me getting one?
Walt: No, no, it's just a figure of speech.
[Walt and Bob are considering separation]
Walt: Think about it. You'll be able to read a book alone, play golf by yourself,
[whispering]
Walt: masturbate in private like the good Lord intended.
Bob: What are you talking about?
Walt: Oh, please, last night it was like trying to sleep next to a paint-shaker.
Bob: We flew over the Grand Canyon on our way out here.
May: Really?
Bob: Yeah, it's way different from the Vineyard. You know, with the big hole and shit. Um, and it's orange.
Doctor 1: I'm afraid... we lost them.
[girls gasp and begin to cry]
Doctor 1: [other doctor enters]
Doctor 2: It's okay, they'd been taken up to the top floor. We found them.
Mimmy: Bob, the people at Table 14 are really hungry, where's the food?
Bob: How much time have I got left?
Mimmy: You're already fourteen minutes over!
Bob: Well then, what are they bitching about? They're gonna get a free meal.
Morty O'Reilly: I'm gonna have to level with you. Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've ever had.
Bob: We're not Siamese. We're American.
Rocket: [Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself] Hey Bob, get the lead out of your ass!
Bob: Hey, up yours, Rocket!
Rocket: [sarcastically] Oh, Great Comeback.
Morty O'Reilly: If you do this, you're committing career suicide.
Walt: That's what they said when Erik Estrada quit "CHiPS".
Morty O'Reilly: You're shitting me. He quit?
Walt: She'll be back. Where else is she gonna find a guy like you?
Bob: I don't know. Chernobyl?
Walt: Boozing with Cher... boozing with Cher...
[from trailer]
Bob: We share a liver.
April: Are you sure you even need a liver?
Drive-by Heckler: Hey, Freaks!
Cher: I was a bitch with a capital C.
Cher: [to extremely young lover, while in bed together] Go to bed. You have a geography test in the morning.
Bob: Hi, how are ya? My name's Bob Tenor but I'm really more of a baritone.
Bar Hottie: Hi Bob.