Ted 2 Quotes
Newlywed couple Ted and Tami-Lynn want to have a baby, but in order to qualify to be a parent, Ted will have to prove he's a person in a court of law.
Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer: And... I won't be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer: And... I won't be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
[from trailer]
Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What?
Ted: I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand alright! Cut the shit!
John: What?
Ted: I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand alright! Cut the shit!
