Newlywed couple Ted and Tami-Lynn want to have a baby, but in order to qualify to be a parent, Ted will have to prove he's a person in a court of law.

Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer: And... I won't be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
[from trailer]
Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha Jackson: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha Jackson: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
Samantha Jackson: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
[from trailer]
Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
[drenched in semen]
John: Fuck! I'm blinking it in! Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!
Ted: Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.
John: NO!
Ted: ..."hashtag GrrrMondays".
Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny, only guys with tits.
John: [to Tom Brady] You're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
John: We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent.
Ted: So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?
Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What?
Ted: I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand alright! Cut the shit!
[after crashing their car]
Ted: I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere.
Joy: Look at that! You see them two white niggers over there?
Ted: Yeah, what?
Joy: Look at them! They so happy, because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad-ass white niggers waiting for Downton Abbey to come on.

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