The Adventures of Baron Munchausen Quotes
An account of Baron Munchausen's supposed travels and fantastical experiences with his band of misfits.
Horatio Jackson: Ah, the officer who risked his life by singlehandedly destroying...
Functionary: [whispering in his ear] Six.
Horatio Jackson: *Six* enemy cannon and rescuing...
Functionary: Ten.
Horatio Jackson: Ten of our men held captive by The Turk.
Heroic Officer: Yes, sir.
Horatio Jackson: The officer about whom we've heard so much.
Heroic Officer: I suppose so, sir.
Horatio Jackson: Always taking risks far beyond the call of duty.
Heroic Officer: I only did my best, sir.
Horatio Jackson: Have him executed at once.
Soldier: Yes, sir. Come along.
Horatio Jackson: This sort of behavior is demoralizing for the ordinary soldiers and citizens who are trying to lead normal, simple, unexceptional lives. I think things are difficult enough as it is without these emotional people rocking the boat.
Functionary: [whispering in his ear] Six.
Horatio Jackson: *Six* enemy cannon and rescuing...
Functionary: Ten.
Horatio Jackson: Ten of our men held captive by The Turk.
Heroic Officer: Yes, sir.
Horatio Jackson: The officer about whom we've heard so much.
Heroic Officer: I suppose so, sir.
Horatio Jackson: Always taking risks far beyond the call of duty.
Heroic Officer: I only did my best, sir.
Horatio Jackson: Have him executed at once.
Soldier: Yes, sir. Come along.
Horatio Jackson: This sort of behavior is demoralizing for the ordinary soldiers and citizens who are trying to lead normal, simple, unexceptional lives. I think things are difficult enough as it is without these emotional people rocking the boat.
Baron Munchausen: What's this?
Vulcan: Oh, this is our prototype. RX, uh, Intercontinental, radar-sneaky, multi-warheaded nuclear missile.
Baron Munchausen: Ah! What does it do?
Vulcan: Do? Kills the enemy.
Baron Munchausen: All the enemy?
Vulcan: Aye, all of them. All their wives, and all their children, and all their sheep, and all their cattle, and all their cats and dogs. All of them. All of them gone for good.
Sally: That's horrible.
Vulcan: Ahh. Well, you see, the advantage is you don't have to see one single one of them die. You just sit comfortably thousands of miles away from the battlefield and simply press the button.
Berthold: Well, where's the fun in that?
Vulcan: Oh, this is our prototype. RX, uh, Intercontinental, radar-sneaky, multi-warheaded nuclear missile.
Baron Munchausen: Ah! What does it do?
Vulcan: Do? Kills the enemy.
Baron Munchausen: All the enemy?
Vulcan: Aye, all of them. All their wives, and all their children, and all their sheep, and all their cattle, and all their cats and dogs. All of them. All of them gone for good.
Sally: That's horrible.
Vulcan: Ahh. Well, you see, the advantage is you don't have to see one single one of them die. You just sit comfortably thousands of miles away from the battlefield and simply press the button.
Berthold: Well, where's the fun in that?
Sally: Are you all right?
Baron Munchausen: Am I dead?
Sally: No.
Baron Munchausen: Blast!
Sally: Who are you really?
Baron Munchausen: [groans]
Sally: Baron Munchausen isn't real, he's only in stories.
Baron Munchausen: Go away! I'm trying to die!
Sally: Why?
Baron Munchausen: Because I'm tired of the world and the world is evidently tired of me.
Sally: But why? Why?
Baron Munchausen: Why, why, why! Because it's all logic and reason now. Science, progress, laws of hydraulics, laws of social dynamics, laws of this, that, and the other. No place for three-legged cyclops in the South Seas. No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine. No place for me.
Baron Munchausen: Am I dead?
Sally: No.
Baron Munchausen: Blast!
Sally: Who are you really?
Baron Munchausen: [groans]
Sally: Baron Munchausen isn't real, he's only in stories.
Baron Munchausen: Go away! I'm trying to die!
Sally: Why?
Baron Munchausen: Because I'm tired of the world and the world is evidently tired of me.
Sally: But why? Why?
Baron Munchausen: Why, why, why! Because it's all logic and reason now. Science, progress, laws of hydraulics, laws of social dynamics, laws of this, that, and the other. No place for three-legged cyclops in the South Seas. No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine. No place for me.
Berthold: Hang on. Hang on! It's all coming back. I've-I've been stuck here for over twenty years, ever since you were last here on the moon. You abandoned me here! You swine! You toddled off with that old queen of tarts and left me to rot in that parrot cage, didn't you? And now you come back here, just because it suits you, after wasting half my life and expect me to follow you to the ends of the earth!
Baron Munchausen: Yes.
Berthold: All right.
Baron Munchausen: Yes.
Berthold: All right.
Horatio Jackson: Take this man, Baron. He has today shown a commendable level of Bravery, far beyond the call of Duty.
Soldier: That's all right, sir. Proud to be doing my job.
Horatio Jackson: Have him executed at once.
[Soldier is dragged away]
Horatio Jackson: We can't have such emotional people demoralising the average citizen.
Soldier: That's all right, sir. Proud to be doing my job.
Horatio Jackson: Have him executed at once.
[Soldier is dragged away]
Horatio Jackson: We can't have such emotional people demoralising the average citizen.
[after the King of the Moon's body crashes, his head flies free]
King of the Moon: I'm free! I'm free at last! The body is dead! The body is dead, long live the head, it's finished, finito, heh-heh! Bye, body! Ha-ha! I shall prove a head does not need a body to survive! I am omnipotent, ha-ha! Yes... OH! Oh no, I got an itch! Oh, no! Oh no, oh no... AH-CHOOOOO!
[the force of the sneeze rockets him backwards and out of sight]
King of the Moon: I'm free! I'm free at last! The body is dead! The body is dead, long live the head, it's finished, finito, heh-heh! Bye, body! Ha-ha! I shall prove a head does not need a body to survive! I am omnipotent, ha-ha! Yes... OH! Oh no, I got an itch! Oh, no! Oh no, oh no... AH-CHOOOOO!
[the force of the sneeze rockets him backwards and out of sight]
[the Queen's head comes to rescue the Baron]
Baron Munchausen: Where exactly is Roger?
Queen Ariadne: In bed, with my body, of course. OH!
[makes a series of high-pitched moans and squeals]
Queen Ariadne: Stop it. Stop it!
[to the Baron]
Queen Ariadne: If he discovers my head's with you - ooh! Quickly, quickly. Quickly! Climb into my hair.
[continuing to whimper]
Sally: Why is she making those funny noises?
Baron Munchausen: Um, her body is with the King, and he is, uh... tickling her feet.
Baron Munchausen: Where exactly is Roger?
Queen Ariadne: In bed, with my body, of course. OH!
[makes a series of high-pitched moans and squeals]
Queen Ariadne: Stop it. Stop it!
[to the Baron]
Queen Ariadne: If he discovers my head's with you - ooh! Quickly, quickly. Quickly! Climb into my hair.
[continuing to whimper]
Sally: Why is she making those funny noises?
Baron Munchausen: Um, her body is with the King, and he is, uh... tickling her feet.
Sally: [the King of the Moon has imprisoned Sally and the Baron in a cage] 'One of the King's favourites'!
Baron Munchausen: This cage isn't real, just part of the King's lunacy.
Sally: [stamping on the metal floor] Seems solid enough to me.
Baron Munchausen: I see we're in a not-very-helpful frame of mind...
Baron Munchausen: This cage isn't real, just part of the King's lunacy.
Sally: [stamping on the metal floor] Seems solid enough to me.
Baron Munchausen: I see we're in a not-very-helpful frame of mind...
Baron Munchausen: I want you to come and help us fight the Turk again.
Albrecht: Oh no, I couldn't do that. No. Not since I found myself. No, now I really know it, I never really wanted to be *big*, and *strong* and lug heavy things about. No. Now I know, I want to be dainty and sensitive. They call me 'The Midgett' down here. I love it. It's bliss.
Berthold: He's gone funny.
Albrecht: Oh no, I couldn't do that. No. Not since I found myself. No, now I really know it, I never really wanted to be *big*, and *strong* and lug heavy things about. No. Now I know, I want to be dainty and sensitive. They call me 'The Midgett' down here. I love it. It's bliss.
Berthold: He's gone funny.
