The Birdcage

The Birdcage Quotes

A gay cabaret owner and his drag queen companion agree to put up a false straight front so that their son can introduce them to his fiancée's right-wing moralistic parents.

Armand: You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.
Armand: Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.
Albert: Don't give me that tone!
Armand: What tone?
Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.
Armand: You're not a woman.
Albert: Oh, you bastard!
Armand: What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets?
Agador: It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.
Armand: My God, what a brilliant idea!
Agador: I know.
Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
Armand: I made you short?
Armand: My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit.
[sigh]
Armand: What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.
Agador: Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?
Armand: Your what?
Agador: My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right?
Armand: You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.
Armand: Is Albert here?
Agador: No.
Armand: Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.
Armand: Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!
Albert: How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?
Armand: All right, I'll bite, where are you going?
Albert: To Los Copa.
Armand: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.
Albert: I know, that's why I'm packing light.
Armand: Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
Albert: [discussing abortion] Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?
Albert: No good?
Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.
Albert: You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!
Senator Kevin Keeley: [in drag] Meet me in 20 minutes at the corner of El Dorado and Palm.
Keeley's Chauffeur: Lady, not for a million dollars.
Katherine: You were so terrified, it was so sweet.
Armand: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!
Katherine: I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days!
Armand: Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."
Armand: A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.
Louise Keeley: Oh, what interesting china.
Louise Keeley: It looks like young men playing leap frog.
Armand: So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.
Albert: Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?
Armand: What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
Albert: Oh, I could play it straight!
Armand: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!
Albert: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!
Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think.
Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!
Albert: Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.
Albert: Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.
Armand: [to Agador] Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after fucking Albert.
[Exits]
Val: You... can *cook*, right?
Agador: Your father seems to think so...
Agador: Senator, another shot for you?
Senator Kevin Keeley: I don't really drink...
Agador: Yeah, but now's the time to pretend!
Club Patron: I've never danced with a man before.
Louise Keeley: [in female drag] There's always a first time.
[last lines]
Rabbi: Mazeltov!
Pastor: As a sign of your union, you may kiss the bride.
Albert: [loudly weeps hysterically]
Armand: Now take that wig off or I'll tell Albert you're wearing it.
Agador: You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing somebody else while he's on the stage.
Armand: I have two words for you: green card.
Agador: When you gonna let me audition for you again?
Armand: When you have talent.
Albert: I'm leaving you my stereo...
Agador: I don't want it.
Albert: My red boots?
Agador: I don't want them.
Albert: And my wigs?
Agador: Which wig?
Albert: He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING!
Senator Kevin Keeley: [in drag] No one will dance with me. I think it's this dress. I told them white would make me look fat.
Barbara Keeley: [in female drag] What about me? I'm just as pretty as the rest of these guys!
Armand: Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.
Armand: What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...
Albert: You don't love me anymore, Armand.
Armand: Oh, shit.
Val: [Agador is dancing by the pool] Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening?
Armand: There are no straight maids in South Beach.
Louise Keeley: [hearing Albert's wails] Is someone else home?
Armand: Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order! My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!
Albert: Oh God, I pierced the toast!
Armand: So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."
Armand: Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!
Armand: Agador!
Val: Spartacus!
Armand: Agador Spartacus!... He insists on being called by his full name.
Louise Keeley: If necessary, we'll get the Pope's blessing, it's not hard!
Armand: Agador, you're gonna have to get yourself a uniform and dress like a butler.
Agador: No! I'm gonna look like a fag!
Armand: Maybe, but you'll look like a fag in a uniform.
Louise Keeley: Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him?
Barbara Keeley: Please don't call me Barbie. This afternoon at two o'clock. We've been sleeping together for a year.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Oh God, has he been tested?
Louise Keeley: Oh, Kevin!
Barbara Keeley: Yes, and so have I.
[Louise screams]
Albert Goldman: "You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."
Val: My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.
Armand: Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt.
Val: I can still get hurt.
Val: Agador, why aren't you wearing your shoes?
Agador: [manly voice] I do not wear the shoes... because... they make me fall down.
Albert: Armand! Did you see that?
Armand: What?
Albert: He blew a bubble while I was singing. He can't do that while I'M SINGING!
Armand: What is that crap you served us?
Agador: It's Guatemalan Peasant Soup.
Armand: What's Guatemalan Peasant Soup?
Agador: I don't know, I made it up. I made it up!
Senator Kevin Keeley: [in drag] Don't leave me. Don't leave me here. I don't want to be the only girl not dancing!
Albert: My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."
Albert: Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
Armand: Ugh, what is this, sludge?
Agador: Yes, it's sludge; I thought it'd make a nice change from coffee.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.
Albert: Aaaaahhhhh! We've been robbed.
Armand: How 'bout those dolphins, huh?
Armand: Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show.
Albert: Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can...
Armand: Let me do this, Albert.
Armand: It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.
Agador: My father was the shaman of his tribe and my mother was the high priestess.
Armand: So why the hell did they move to New Jersey?
Agador: I don't know, they're so stupid.
Albert: Here, let me help you lean on it.
Armand: I think I need a doctor.
Albert: Oh, don't be silly! It isn't even swollen!
Armand: [pulls away] Maybe we should go to an emergency room, you know, I can get an X-ray.
Albert: [grabs him] You're overreacting! Don't be such a baby!
[opens door]
Albert: Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!
Albert: Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?
Louise Keeley: It's so dangerous! You could've fallen!
Senator Kevin Keeley: I did!
Armand: You look like Lucy's stunt double.
Agador: [dancing around in red wig cleaning] No actually I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky
Armand: That's horrifying.
Armand: Work it, own it, sell it!
Armand: Fuck the shrimp!
Agador: [in a scene after one in which he was dressed like Lucy] Armand, why don't you let me be in the show?
Val: I'm getting married.
Armand: Ohh.
[He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go]
Val: It's a girl. Are you upset?
Armand: Let me tell you why.
Armand: Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.
Albert: I see... I see.
Val: It's just for tonight.
Albert: I understand, it's just while people are here.
Albert: Hmm, Turkish coffee.
Agador: See!
[Slaps Armand's arm]
Agador: My Guatemalaness; my natural heat!
Armand: Yes, I'm afraid of your heat.
Louise Keeley: I like its... severity.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Oh, I got to fire this woman. Uh, Miss Porter, page two, second paragraph, it's "porno", not "pronto".
Albert: I'm just... a guy!
Armand: What about those?
[Gesturing to Albert's pink socks]
Albert: These? Well, one does want a hint of color.
Armand: [Armand and Val laugh at him, trying to hide it in their expressions, though]
Albert: You think when I dress like this I'm even more obvious.
Agador: Good eve-e-ning. May I take jour purse as usual... or for the first tine?
Albert: Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!
Armand: Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
Senator Kevin Keeley: That's just what Rush Limbaugh said!
[first lines]
[singers are performing "We Are Family" on-stage]
Cyril: [backstage, into a telephone] Agador! Where is Starina? She goes on in 5 minutes!
Val: I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion... much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich.
Albert: [Armand has entered from the kitchen to hear Albert finishing a story] ... and so they decided to find a cemetery they *really* loved instead of eating tofu!
Senator Kevin Keeley: She's a small town girl and he's a pretentious European. The worst kind. Him and his Cold' whatever... his decadent china. I've seen this all before. Aristotle Onassis was like this. And all of the French. Especially Mitterand. And the English. Not Margaret Thatcher, of course. But you can't tell me John Major doesn't have something on the side.
Albert: [in reference to the dinner plates] Mine has a girl. Doesn't yours have a girl?
Senator Kevin Keeley: I'm so glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole. Dole is just too, too...
Louise Keeley: Dark.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Well, I was gonna say liberal, but he's dark, too.
[on the phone]
Senator Kevin Keeley: Hello, Ben. Ready for what? WHAT?
Louise Keeley: What's the matter, Kevin?
Senator Kevin Keeley: Jackson's dead.
Louise Keeley: Oh my God!
Senator Kevin Keeley: He died in bed? Whose bed? A prostitute?
Louise Keeley: No!
Senator Kevin Keeley: A minor? And black?
Louise Keeley: What?
Senator Kevin Keeley: I don't believe this! I don't FUCKING believe this!
Armand: Take it! Take it all! What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?
Senator Kevin Keeley: I feel like I'm insane.
Armand: [very sharply to the Keeleys] Sit down!
Armand: [sweetly] Please.
Katherine: Armand Goldman.
Armand: Katie Archer, or is it "Mrs." something?
Katherine: No. I'm between husbands.
Val: Who put Playboy in the bathroom?
Goldman Girl: Leave it, it's what they read.
Val: Don't add! Just subtract!
Waiter: Armand, the Kennedys are here again for supper, third time this week, you want to pick up their tab?
Armand: Ted?
Waiter: No, just the younger ones.
Armand: Wish we could get Ted. Give 'em a free round of coffee.
Louise Keeley: I noticed you didn't have this kind of blind sympathy for Bessy Jackson!
Senator Kevin Keeley: Bessy Jackson is an insensitive cow!
Val: Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late.
Agador: [In what he thinks is a normal waiter's voice] Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on.
[blows out match]
Agador: I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.
Val: Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just... give me a break, okay?
Agador: [In real voice] Okay.

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