The Cannonball Run Quotes
A wide variety of eccentric competitors participate in a wild and illegal cross-country road race. However, the eccentric entrants will do anything to win the road race, including low-down, dirty tricks.
J.J. McClure: Look, we can't have a car with numbers on it. So, we're going to have to disguise the car somehow.
Victor Prinsi: Alright.
J.J. McClure: How about a big, black limousine with diplomatic plates?
Victor Prinsi: Nah!
J.J. McClure: Nah. I know, a bloodmobile. They wouldn't stop a bloodmobile, would they?
Victor Prinsi: Nah!
J.J. McClure: Nah.
Victor Prinsi: An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!
Victor Prinsi: Alright.
J.J. McClure: How about a big, black limousine with diplomatic plates?
Victor Prinsi: Nah!
J.J. McClure: Nah. I know, a bloodmobile. They wouldn't stop a bloodmobile, would they?
Victor Prinsi: Nah!
J.J. McClure: Nah.
Victor Prinsi: An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!
Fenderbaum: We've got a secret weapon. God is our co-pilot!
The Greek: You'll need him!
Jamie Blake: *God* is our copilot?
Fenderbaum: Uh huh...
Jamie Blake: Remember our car?
Fenderbaum: Uh huh...
Jamie Blake: Two seats?
Fenderbaum: Two seats...
Jamie Blake: Where's he gonna sit?
[smack]
Jamie Blake: Where's he gonna sit?
[smack]
The Greek: You'll need him!
Jamie Blake: *God* is our copilot?
Fenderbaum: Uh huh...
Jamie Blake: Remember our car?
Fenderbaum: Uh huh...
Jamie Blake: Two seats?
Fenderbaum: Two seats...
Jamie Blake: Where's he gonna sit?
[smack]
Jamie Blake: Where's he gonna sit?
[smack]
Bradford Compton: Shakey, it's kinda tough to get close to you. Last time I saw you, you were a bit more svelte.
Shaky Finch: Yeah, well what can I tell you? In the pizza business, when things are slow you tend to eat the inventory.
Bradford Compton: Yeah, but listen, Shakey, that's not good for the Cannonball. You know that! I mean, you don't need a motorcycle, you need the Super Chief!
Shaky Finch: But even with the extra tonnage, I'm still the best there is!
Shaky Finch: Yeah, well what can I tell you? In the pizza business, when things are slow you tend to eat the inventory.
Bradford Compton: Yeah, but listen, Shakey, that's not good for the Cannonball. You know that! I mean, you don't need a motorcycle, you need the Super Chief!
Shaky Finch: But even with the extra tonnage, I'm still the best there is!
California Highway Patrolman: Headquarters, we are still in pursuit of the black Lamborghini.
Dispatcher: Car 42, you've been in pursuit for two hours. Another five minutes and you'll be in Arizona.
California Highway Patrolman: Yeah, and we're going to stay in pursuit until we catch them.
Dispatcher: It didn't take us THAT long to catch Dillinger.
Dispatcher: Car 42, you've been in pursuit for two hours. Another five minutes and you'll be in Arizona.
California Highway Patrolman: Yeah, and we're going to stay in pursuit until we catch them.
Dispatcher: It didn't take us THAT long to catch Dillinger.
Jamie Blake: I just want to thank you for informin' them about us back in Missouri. You know, how we're flashers and sex maniacs.
J.J. McClure: Well, I was just repayin' you for what you and the chocolate monk did back in Ohio.
Fenderbaum: Chocolate Monk?
Jamie Blake: He can say that. Yeah, he can say that, cause he's ridin' around with the "Good Year" blimp!
J.J. McClure: [Looking at Vic] He can say that. He can say that cause if I had the time, I'd take those rosary beads and shove em up your nose.
Jamie Blake: These rosary beads? Up this nose?
J.J. McClure: Yeah.
Jamie Blake: Will ya take a little advice? Bring friends.
Fenderbaum: Ha! Lots of em.
J.J. McClure: Well, I was just repayin' you for what you and the chocolate monk did back in Ohio.
Fenderbaum: Chocolate Monk?
Jamie Blake: He can say that. Yeah, he can say that, cause he's ridin' around with the "Good Year" blimp!
J.J. McClure: [Looking at Vic] He can say that. He can say that cause if I had the time, I'd take those rosary beads and shove em up your nose.
Jamie Blake: These rosary beads? Up this nose?
J.J. McClure: Yeah.
Jamie Blake: Will ya take a little advice? Bring friends.
Fenderbaum: Ha! Lots of em.
Fenderbaum: [Fenderbaum and Blake's Ferrari drives alongside J.J.'s ambulance] Pull over! We want to give you our blessing!
Victor Prinsi: J.J., there are two priests in that car. They want us to pull over.
J.J. McClure: Victor, that's two priests driving a Ferrari. When's the last time you saw two priests drive a Ferrari? What are they doing, taking home the bingo money?
Victor Prinsi: No, they're doing the work of the Lord. In a Ferrari, they can just do it faster.
Victor Prinsi: J.J., there are two priests in that car. They want us to pull over.
J.J. McClure: Victor, that's two priests driving a Ferrari. When's the last time you saw two priests drive a Ferrari? What are they doing, taking home the bingo money?
Victor Prinsi: No, they're doing the work of the Lord. In a Ferrari, they can just do it faster.
Organizer: Of course you know certain sceptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nations's most elite highway patrolmen are out there waiting for us after we start, but let's stay positively: Think of the fact that there's not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding... although I'm not so sure about Ohio.
[during the brawl with the mean bikers, Seymour Goldfarb Jr stands aside with his girlfriend, until one of the bikers menacingly approaches them, holding heavy wrench]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [to his girlfriend] Step back, my dear.
[the girl steps back. Seymour makes karate moves, with the music of James Bond movies is played in the background]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [to the biker] I must warn you, I'm Roger Moore!
Biker: [frowns] Who?
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [bends forward so the biker can hear him better] Roger Moore!
[the biker, unimpressed, punches Seymour in the mouth. Seymour groans in pain, covers his mouth, then helplessly slumps to the ground]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [to his girlfriend] Step back, my dear.
[the girl steps back. Seymour makes karate moves, with the music of James Bond movies is played in the background]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [to the biker] I must warn you, I'm Roger Moore!
Biker: [frowns] Who?
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [bends forward so the biker can hear him better] Roger Moore!
[the biker, unimpressed, punches Seymour in the mouth. Seymour groans in pain, covers his mouth, then helplessly slumps to the ground]
J.J. McClure: Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Mad Dog!
Mad Dog: Hey, J.J!
J.J. McClure: Look, you probably didn't realize this, but the parking lot's outside.
Mad Dog: I know. The brakes went out.
J.J. McClure: Who do you think you are? The president?
Mad Dog: [imitating Richard Nixon] Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear, we feel terrible about it. Now, if they can't take a joke,
[gives the up yours arm gesture sans finger]
Mad Dog: Hey, J.J!
J.J. McClure: Look, you probably didn't realize this, but the parking lot's outside.
Mad Dog: I know. The brakes went out.
J.J. McClure: Who do you think you are? The president?
Mad Dog: [imitating Richard Nixon] Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear, we feel terrible about it. Now, if they can't take a joke,
[gives the up yours arm gesture sans finger]
[Seymour arrives at the motel in his 1963 Aston Martin DB5 with one of his girlfriends under his Roger Moore persona]
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Good day. I am here to participate in your little jaunt to California.
Female Race Official: Well, of course. If you would sign in here, please.
[Seymour signs under the legendary actor Roger Moore's name]
Boy with Camera: [taking a picture of his little brother] Hold still, Pettie. Say "Cheese".
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: I realize the novelty of a major celebrity entering your little race, but kindly resist the temptation and keep the media coverage to a minimum. Thank you.
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Good day. I am here to participate in your little jaunt to California.
Female Race Official: Well, of course. If you would sign in here, please.
[Seymour signs under the legendary actor Roger Moore's name]
Boy with Camera: [taking a picture of his little brother] Hold still, Pettie. Say "Cheese".
Seymour Goldfarb Jr: I realize the novelty of a major celebrity entering your little race, but kindly resist the temptation and keep the media coverage to a minimum. Thank you.
J.J. McClure: Hey, Victor, didja get anything to eat?
Victor Prinsi: Yeah, I gotta lotta goodies for you guys and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me!
[singing and dancing]
Victor Prinsi: "I'm a peppa/You're a peppa/He's a peppa/She's a peppa/Wouldn't ya like to be a peppa too?
J.J. McClure: [impatiently] WILL YOU GET IN HERE?
Victor Prinsi: Yeah, I gotta lotta goodies for you guys and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me!
[singing and dancing]
Victor Prinsi: "I'm a peppa/You're a peppa/He's a peppa/She's a peppa/Wouldn't ya like to be a peppa too?
J.J. McClure: [impatiently] WILL YOU GET IN HERE?
[the racers, all neck and neck, are approaching the finish line, with Mad Dog and Batman in the lead]
Mad Dog: We got 'em.
Batman: We got 'em!
[Suddenly a car come in the way, forcing Mad Dog & Batman's GMC truck to do a 180 stop. Bradford and Shakey's motorcycle slips and skids]
J.J. McClure: [screams] LOOK OUT!
[J.J. and Victor's ambulance van and all the other cars come to screeching halt]
J.J. McClure: [yells] Okay, it's a foot race!
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: I've got the card.
J.J. McClure: No, gimmie that, Doc! Come on, it's a foot race!
[All the racers storm out and begin running to the finish line to see who can be the first to punch at the clock and win the race]
Victor Prinsi: Have no fear! Chaos is here! DA-DA-DUM!
J.J. McClure: [hands Victor the time card] Take it and win, Captain!
Pamela Glover: Come on, Chaos! You can do it!
[as Victor and Marcie sprints, J.J. jumps on the other racers, tackling them down]
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: Does anyone need medical attention?
Mad Dog: We got 'em.
Batman: We got 'em!
[Suddenly a car come in the way, forcing Mad Dog & Batman's GMC truck to do a 180 stop. Bradford and Shakey's motorcycle slips and skids]
J.J. McClure: [screams] LOOK OUT!
[J.J. and Victor's ambulance van and all the other cars come to screeching halt]
J.J. McClure: [yells] Okay, it's a foot race!
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: I've got the card.
J.J. McClure: No, gimmie that, Doc! Come on, it's a foot race!
[All the racers storm out and begin running to the finish line to see who can be the first to punch at the clock and win the race]
Victor Prinsi: Have no fear! Chaos is here! DA-DA-DUM!
J.J. McClure: [hands Victor the time card] Take it and win, Captain!
Pamela Glover: Come on, Chaos! You can do it!
[as Victor and Marcie sprints, J.J. jumps on the other racers, tackling them down]
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: Does anyone need medical attention?
[Brock Yates, the organizer of the Cannonball Run, addresses the huge crowd of racers outside the starting line]
Organizer: Okay, I'd like to welcome you all to an event that sometimes been called the automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.
[crowd chuckle]
Organizer: You all are certainly the most distinguished group of highway scofflaws and degenerates ever gathered in one place, and we gonna have a lot of fun. Of course, you know certain skeptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's most elite Highway patrolmen are out waiting for us after we start, but let's think positively. Think of the fact that there is not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding, although I'm not so sure about Ohio.
[crowd laughs as rock shows a time card]
Organizer: Everybody is gonna get a card like this. When you leave, you're gonna punch out hereat this time clock. 3,000 miles roughly away from here is another time clock just like that at the Portofino Inn. And the difference between the two times is your time across the country. The record stand at 32 hours and 51 minutes, and, believe it or not, those guys did break the 55 mile-an-hour speed limit.
[crowd and racers cheering]
Organizer: Okay, let's get that first car up here, and we're gonna get this thing underway!
Organizer: Okay, I'd like to welcome you all to an event that sometimes been called the automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.
[crowd chuckle]
Organizer: You all are certainly the most distinguished group of highway scofflaws and degenerates ever gathered in one place, and we gonna have a lot of fun. Of course, you know certain skeptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's most elite Highway patrolmen are out waiting for us after we start, but let's think positively. Think of the fact that there is not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding, although I'm not so sure about Ohio.
[crowd laughs as rock shows a time card]
Organizer: Everybody is gonna get a card like this. When you leave, you're gonna punch out hereat this time clock. 3,000 miles roughly away from here is another time clock just like that at the Portofino Inn. And the difference between the two times is your time across the country. The record stand at 32 hours and 51 minutes, and, believe it or not, those guys did break the 55 mile-an-hour speed limit.
[crowd and racers cheering]
Organizer: Okay, let's get that first car up here, and we're gonna get this thing underway!
[At the Portofino Inn, Victor, in his Captain Chaos persona, saves a woman's dog from drowning in the bay and is hailed a hero, but J.J. is furious, as his selfless act cost him and J.J. the championship win]
Victor Prinsi: [as Captain Chaos] J.J., I've saved that woman's dog.
J.J. McClure: [furious] Victor... we could've won that race. Do ya understand what I'm telling you? We could've won it!
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: You understand that? You had to go and pull that stupid stunt.
Pamela Glover: He's right, Victor.
J.J. McClure: We are sick of Captain Chaos. We are so sick of Captain Chaos that we could throw up. So you know what, Victor? There's not gonna be anymore Captain Chaos.
[grabs and rip off the mask from Victor's head; yells]
J.J. McClure: NO MORE! Ya see what I'm telling you? NO MORE!
[snatches Victor cape and slams it on the ground]
J.J. McClure: No more Captain Chaos EVER! Now what do ya think of that?
[crowd laughs as Victor seemingly feels broken-hearten over J.J. act of poor sportsmanship]
Victor Prinsi: I don't care, because...
[changes into a new superhero persona with a American flag-like mask and cape]
Victor Prinsi: I've always wanted be... Captain USA! Da-Da-DUM!
[J.J. and the racer laughs]
Victor Prinsi: It's a dirty job, but somebody go to do it.
Victor Prinsi: [as Captain Chaos] J.J., I've saved that woman's dog.
J.J. McClure: [furious] Victor... we could've won that race. Do ya understand what I'm telling you? We could've won it!
Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: You understand that? You had to go and pull that stupid stunt.
Pamela Glover: He's right, Victor.
J.J. McClure: We are sick of Captain Chaos. We are so sick of Captain Chaos that we could throw up. So you know what, Victor? There's not gonna be anymore Captain Chaos.
[grabs and rip off the mask from Victor's head; yells]
J.J. McClure: NO MORE! Ya see what I'm telling you? NO MORE!
[snatches Victor cape and slams it on the ground]
J.J. McClure: No more Captain Chaos EVER! Now what do ya think of that?
[crowd laughs as Victor seemingly feels broken-hearten over J.J. act of poor sportsmanship]
Victor Prinsi: I don't care, because...
[changes into a new superhero persona with a American flag-like mask and cape]
Victor Prinsi: I've always wanted be... Captain USA! Da-Da-DUM!
[J.J. and the racer laughs]
Victor Prinsi: It's a dirty job, but somebody go to do it.
