The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard Quotes
Used-car liquidator Don Ready is hired by a flailing auto dealership to turn their Fourth of July sale into a majorly profitable event.
Ivy Selleck: Mister Ready, this business has been in our family for 40 years, so no sleazy stuff okay?
Don Ready: Don't worry about it darlin' we're not going to break the rules, we're just going to bend them a little bit...
Ivy Selleck: [wiggles around faking enthusiasm] Okay, okay. I just, I know your type. You know it's all the thrill of the hunt, I get it. I mean you crave it, you corner it, but mister Ready let me ask you a question. You know what to do when you catch it?
[awkward silence drops around the dinner table]
Don Ready: Are we talking about pussy?
Don Ready: Don't worry about it darlin' we're not going to break the rules, we're just going to bend them a little bit...
Ivy Selleck: [wiggles around faking enthusiasm] Okay, okay. I just, I know your type. You know it's all the thrill of the hunt, I get it. I mean you crave it, you corner it, but mister Ready let me ask you a question. You know what to do when you catch it?
[awkward silence drops around the dinner table]
Don Ready: Are we talking about pussy?
Don Ready: Hey, uh, Paxton... Lance Bass called, He said he, uh... Oh, fucking forget it.
Paxton Harding: Yeah, like he would have your number.
Stu Harding: Hey, Lance Bass never opened for OTown, My boy did. You can Google it.
Paxton Harding: Yeah. I told them that already, dad. They refused to Google it.
Paxton Harding: Yeah, like he would have your number.
Stu Harding: Hey, Lance Bass never opened for OTown, My boy did. You can Google it.
Paxton Harding: Yeah. I told them that already, dad. They refused to Google it.
Brent Gage: You can do this. You are a winner. Don Ready has the heart of a champion.
Don Ready: I'm a fucking stallion. I should be owned by a goddamn middle eastern sheik!
Brent Gage: There's almost no doubt you invented the phrase "It's all good".
Brent Gage: In the schoolyard a Don Ready is a euphemism for a hard-on.
Don Ready: I'm a fucking stallion. I should be owned by a goddamn middle eastern sheik!
Brent Gage: There's almost no doubt you invented the phrase "It's all good".
Brent Gage: In the schoolyard a Don Ready is a euphemism for a hard-on.
Brent Gage: [Knocking on motel room door] Come on Don... come on.
Babs Merrick: What's going on? Don's never been late for the last day of a sale.
Ivy Selleck: [Opening door] Don's gone. Aaaaand you did not see me here. Okay.
Babs Merrick: Well did he go to the lot?
Ivy Selleck: I don't know. He kind of just freaked out and left.
Jibby Newsome: 'Querque all over again.
Babs Merrick: Fuckin' 'Querque.
Babs Merrick: What's going on? Don's never been late for the last day of a sale.
Ivy Selleck: [Opening door] Don's gone. Aaaaand you did not see me here. Okay.
Babs Merrick: Well did he go to the lot?
Ivy Selleck: I don't know. He kind of just freaked out and left.
Jibby Newsome: 'Querque all over again.
Babs Merrick: Fuckin' 'Querque.
McDermott: Most people who're this situation, their life flashes before their eyes and they go through a list of regrets. For the next 45 seconds I want to go through the list of things I've done right. Number one. Full length back tattoo of the Hawaiian punch guy. 10% real fruit juice MOTHER FUCKERS!
Jibby Newsome: I'm
[pause]
Jibby Newsome: making love.
Heather: [moans] making love.
Jibby Newsome: You know what nobody ever told me 'bout making love?
Heather: What?
Jibby Newsome: How borin' it is.
Heather: Yeah!
Jibby Newsome: [pause] You can do anything you want. My safe word is blueberry pancakes.
[pause]
Jibby Newsome: making love.
Heather: [moans] making love.
Jibby Newsome: You know what nobody ever told me 'bout making love?
Heather: What?
Jibby Newsome: How borin' it is.
Heather: Yeah!
Jibby Newsome: [pause] You can do anything you want. My safe word is blueberry pancakes.
Tammy Selleck: You know Paxton here is in one of those popular bands in Temecula. Balls out!
Paxton Harding: No Big ups.
Tammy Selleck: Big Ups.
Don Ready: Either way.
[Everyone laughs]
Paxton Harding: Big ups is the name of the band! It's me and Ricky and Jason and we ya know we sing about life and love and passion, I'm not gonna lie to you we have some pretty *sick* dance moves.
Don Ready: Are, are you in a boy band?
Paxton Harding: No I'm in a man band, Were all over 30 we call it a man band,
Don Ready: You're... You're men in a boy band.
Paxton Harding: We open for O-Town! Right here in Temecula okay. Google it.
Brent Gage: No.
Paxton Harding: Google it
Brent Gage: No.
Paxton Harding: Why wouldn't you Google it, I just told you to Google it. Google "Big Ups"
Babs Merrick: No i Googled it, it said you *fucking* blow.
Paxton Harding: That was O-Town's website.
Paxton Harding: You know what. I'm rising above this, while you guys are yukking it up I'm gonna go rehearse with Big Ups.
Paxton Harding: No Big ups.
Tammy Selleck: Big Ups.
Don Ready: Either way.
[Everyone laughs]
Paxton Harding: Big ups is the name of the band! It's me and Ricky and Jason and we ya know we sing about life and love and passion, I'm not gonna lie to you we have some pretty *sick* dance moves.
Don Ready: Are, are you in a boy band?
Paxton Harding: No I'm in a man band, Were all over 30 we call it a man band,
Don Ready: You're... You're men in a boy band.
Paxton Harding: We open for O-Town! Right here in Temecula okay. Google it.
Brent Gage: No.
Paxton Harding: Google it
Brent Gage: No.
Paxton Harding: Why wouldn't you Google it, I just told you to Google it. Google "Big Ups"
Babs Merrick: No i Googled it, it said you *fucking* blow.
Paxton Harding: That was O-Town's website.
Paxton Harding: You know what. I'm rising above this, while you guys are yukking it up I'm gonna go rehearse with Big Ups.
Dick Lewiston: She's a real beauty huh? Yep a real beaut... This car is for you. Now let me guess, the man of the house needs a second car so the little lady can go to the garden club while you play gin rummy... with the boys huh?
Selleck Customer - Wife: Actually we need a car so we can go rock climbing.
Dick Lewiston: Rock climbing? Why would anybody go climb a rock? Man things are changing i remember when men were men and women were gals and we called coloreds... coloreds.
Selleck Customer - Wife: You know actually i think were gonna get going.
Dick Lewiston: Come on sweetie now don't be a bitch lets talk some numbers here.
Selleck Customer - Husband: Hey hey hey don't talk to my wife like that.
Dick Lewiston: Hey boy! I fought in the big war i mean *NOBODY* tells me what to do! Hold this.
[punches customer in face]
Selleck Customer - Wife: Actually we need a car so we can go rock climbing.
Dick Lewiston: Rock climbing? Why would anybody go climb a rock? Man things are changing i remember when men were men and women were gals and we called coloreds... coloreds.
Selleck Customer - Wife: You know actually i think were gonna get going.
Dick Lewiston: Come on sweetie now don't be a bitch lets talk some numbers here.
Selleck Customer - Husband: Hey hey hey don't talk to my wife like that.
Dick Lewiston: Hey boy! I fought in the big war i mean *NOBODY* tells me what to do! Hold this.
[punches customer in face]
Don Ready: You're here from Selleck Motors?
Peter Selleck: No but my dad is.
Don Ready: You know you're supposed to put the name of the party you're picking up not your own. Love the drawing though.
Peter Selleck: Yea I'm a really good drawer, I like to draw stomach muscles the most. I can also draw Darth Vader's Helmet, I can also draw him, I can draw uhh a saber, A lightsaber or a regular sword it dudnt even matter
Don Ready: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are ya drunk? Are you retarded? Because were here to help you.
Peter Selleck: Don't move! Dad! Amber Alert! Adult! Stranger Danger Stranger Danger! Dad!
Babs Merrick: Looks like it wasn't the fax ink, hes some sort of man child.
Ben Selleck: Its a pituitary problem ma'am, Hes 10... in the developing body of an adult
Don Ready: Awe I'm sorry buddy, I'm totally sorry. Put it up there high five, good effort there
Peter Selleck: No but my dad is.
Don Ready: You know you're supposed to put the name of the party you're picking up not your own. Love the drawing though.
Peter Selleck: Yea I'm a really good drawer, I like to draw stomach muscles the most. I can also draw Darth Vader's Helmet, I can also draw him, I can draw uhh a saber, A lightsaber or a regular sword it dudnt even matter
Don Ready: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are ya drunk? Are you retarded? Because were here to help you.
Peter Selleck: Don't move! Dad! Amber Alert! Adult! Stranger Danger Stranger Danger! Dad!
Babs Merrick: Looks like it wasn't the fax ink, hes some sort of man child.
Ben Selleck: Its a pituitary problem ma'am, Hes 10... in the developing body of an adult
Don Ready: Awe I'm sorry buddy, I'm totally sorry. Put it up there high five, good effort there
Teddy Dang: Mr. Selleck, I think i made a sale.
Ben Selleck: Terrific, good job Teddy!
Teddy Dang: And he wants to pay in cash, non sequential unmarked bills, neatly packed in this canvas bag.
Ben Selleck: well thats a bank bag Teddy...
[bag full of blue dye packs explodes in Teddy's face, customer speeds away]
Teddy Dang: Ah! My eyes, My eyes! My Lasik!
Ben Selleck: Awe shit somebody call the cops.
Teddy Dang: It Burns!
Ben Selleck: Teddy go flush your eyes out.
Teddy Dang: I feel like a smurf just jizzed in my face!
Ben Selleck: Terrific, good job Teddy!
Teddy Dang: And he wants to pay in cash, non sequential unmarked bills, neatly packed in this canvas bag.
Ben Selleck: well thats a bank bag Teddy...
[bag full of blue dye packs explodes in Teddy's face, customer speeds away]
Teddy Dang: Ah! My eyes, My eyes! My Lasik!
Ben Selleck: Awe shit somebody call the cops.
Teddy Dang: It Burns!
Ben Selleck: Teddy go flush your eyes out.
Teddy Dang: I feel like a smurf just jizzed in my face!
Babs Merrick: You're a virgin?
Jibby Newsome: Oh, hell no!
Babs Merrick: Oh.
Jibby Newsome: No, I been with hundreds of women... maybe thousands. I... I just ain't never really ever made love to a woman. You know, I've done 3-ways, 4-ways, menage-a-tois, menage sept, menage seises... I've sixty-nined, eighty-nined... one hundred fourteened. Golden, diamond and platinum showers. I like that. I mean, I ripped shit up. Done all that... but I ain't never ever made love to a woman.
Jibby Newsome: Oh, hell no!
Babs Merrick: Oh.
Jibby Newsome: No, I been with hundreds of women... maybe thousands. I... I just ain't never really ever made love to a woman. You know, I've done 3-ways, 4-ways, menage-a-tois, menage sept, menage seises... I've sixty-nined, eighty-nined... one hundred fourteened. Golden, diamond and platinum showers. I like that. I mean, I ripped shit up. Done all that... but I ain't never ever made love to a woman.
