The Guru

The Guru Quotes

Bored with Bollywood movies but fascinated with their Hollywood counterparts from his youth, Ram dreams to become a singer and actor in America, the country where dreams are made. He is ... See full summary »

Vijay: Do you know why they call it the American Dream? Because it only happens when you are asleep.
Ramu Gupta: Why are you afraid?
Kitty: What makes you think that I'm afraid?
Ramu Gupta: I feel it.
Chantal: Lexi, can I see you in the kitchen?
Lexi: Do you know where it is?
Dwain: Alright, you wanna lose the pants?
Ramu Gupta: Is that part of the movie?
Dwain: Could be.
Lexi: Mother, when you realize that not all people of color were put here to serve you?
Chantal: Lexi, darling, how can say that? I've served food to the homeless. Good food. Food I'd eat myself if I still ate carbs.
Sanjay: [awestruck] I talked to a real live pornstar... and she sounded naked!
Father: Enough of this swapping of spit! Let's celebrate!
Ramu Gupta: The most powerful sexual organ is your brain. Think about it.
[Faces woman]
Ramu Gupta: Are you thinking?
Turned-on Woman: My whole body is about to think!
Vijay: You have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your belly, what more do you want?
Ramu Gupta: I want what you promised.
Chantal: I give you Swami Bu.
Vijay: Swami, you're on.
[a drunk Swami collapses]
Vijay: Swami Bu has gone to another dimension.
Lexi: You can't just go away.
[shouting]
Lexi: I have abandonment issues!
Ramu Gupta: [walks into the apartment, and Sanjay and Vijay are watching a porno with Sharonna in it] What are you watching?
Vijay: [makes a sex motion] M-M-M-M-My Sharonna. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm.
Ramu Gupta: YOU BASTARDS! TURN IT OFF!
[jumps on Sanjay]
Sanjay: You've never seen Good Will Hunting?
Vijay: We also have Star Wars, Episode 69.
Mira: Ramu is on TV!
Mrs. Gupta: What he is talking about?
Nana: Sexual intercourse.
Rusty McGee: [Ramu pretends to be fixing toilet after Rusty gets home early and surprises them] Why doesn't he have any tools?
Sharonna: He's a holistic plumber.
Chantal: Edwin, is that you? You haven't been up here since the Reagan administration.
Ramu Gupta: You need to do your own thing. Live your own life.
[walks away angrily]
Lexi: I'm going to meditate on that.
Ramu Gupta: Is the Mercedes in the shop or something?
Vijay: Or something.
Vijay: Name one famous Indian in America.
Sanjay: That guy from the Simpsons.
Vijay: He is a cartoon!
Chantal: What's wrong? You haven't been up here since the Reagan administration.
Ramu Gupta: [Upon seeing the apartment] You're a real bastard, you know that?
Sharonna: I'm engaged to a nice, normal guy. Do you know how hard it is to find a nice, normal guy in New York?
Hank the Cameraman: [wedding guests are unaware that Hank is a porno cameramen] Pretend that I'm not here.
Sharonna: My pussy is the gateway to my soul.
Rasphal the Cook: Is he doing the Macarena?
Hoseman: Rusty! My heart beats for you.
[everyone else looks around perplexed]
Vijay: [shouting while knockin at the door of his roomates] IMIGRATION!

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