The Heartbreak Kid Quotes
A newly wed man who believes he's just gotten hitched to the perfect woman encounters another lady on his honeymoon.
Eddie Cantrow: Oh, excuse me.
Flamboyant Man: Yeah.
Eddie Cantrow: Hey, are you running this whole thing?
Flamboyant Man: Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.
Eddie Cantrow: No, no. I didn't - I didn't mean that.
Flamboyant Man: Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.
[the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them]
Wedding Coordinator: [in a sing-song voice] Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*!
[simpering]
Wedding Coordinator: How can I help you?
[after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away]
Flamboyant Man: Yeah.
Eddie Cantrow: Hey, are you running this whole thing?
Flamboyant Man: Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.
Eddie Cantrow: No, no. I didn't - I didn't mean that.
Flamboyant Man: Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.
[the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them]
Wedding Coordinator: [in a sing-song voice] Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*!
[simpering]
Wedding Coordinator: How can I help you?
[after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away]
Eddie Cantrow: Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?
Tito: Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.
Tito: I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.
Eddie Cantrow: Oh.
Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.
Tito: Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.
Tito: I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.
Eddie Cantrow: Oh.
Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.
Eddie Cantrow: [about Lila] She doesn't have a great sense of humor.
Doc: Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...
Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.
Doc: Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...
Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.
10 Year Old Girl: Are you like a widow or something?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.
10 Year Old Girl: Sorry.
12 Year Old Twin: He's full of it. He's gay.
Eddie Cantrow: No. I'm not gay.
12 Year Old Twin: Let's play 5 in 5 then.
Eddie Cantrow: What is that?
12 Year Old Twin: It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.
Eddie Cantrow: [shrugs] Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.
12 Year Old Twin: Quick - how'd your wife die?
Eddie Cantrow: Murdered.
12 Year Old Twin: How?
Eddie Cantrow: Icepick.
12 Year Old Twin: They get the guy?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah.
12 Year Old Twin: What was his name?
Eddie Cantrow: Ronald.
12 Year Old Twin: Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?
Eddie Cantrow: Brad Pitt.
12 Year Old Twin, 12 Year Old Twin: [point and laugh victoriously]
Eddie Cantrow: No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise...
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.
10 Year Old Girl: Sorry.
12 Year Old Twin: He's full of it. He's gay.
Eddie Cantrow: No. I'm not gay.
12 Year Old Twin: Let's play 5 in 5 then.
Eddie Cantrow: What is that?
12 Year Old Twin: It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.
Eddie Cantrow: [shrugs] Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.
12 Year Old Twin: Quick - how'd your wife die?
Eddie Cantrow: Murdered.
12 Year Old Twin: How?
Eddie Cantrow: Icepick.
12 Year Old Twin: They get the guy?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah.
12 Year Old Twin: What was his name?
Eddie Cantrow: Ronald.
12 Year Old Twin: Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?
Eddie Cantrow: Brad Pitt.
12 Year Old Twin, 12 Year Old Twin: [point and laugh victoriously]
Eddie Cantrow: No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise...
Eddie Cantrow: I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.
Buzz: Oh, you're too much. Really?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed down and -
[growls]
Eddie Cantrow: [everyone stops laughing]
Eddie Cantrow: It was not pretty.
[pause]
Gayla: Did you file charges?
Eddie Cantrow: No, I...
Miranda: He was making a joke, Gayla.
Deborah: About anal rape...?
Buzz: Oh, you're too much. Really?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed down and -
[growls]
Eddie Cantrow: [everyone stops laughing]
Eddie Cantrow: It was not pretty.
[pause]
Gayla: Did you file charges?
Eddie Cantrow: No, I...
Miranda: He was making a joke, Gayla.
Deborah: About anal rape...?
