The Italian Job Quotes
After being betrayed and left for dead in Italy, Charlie Croker and his team plan an elaborate gold heist against their former ally.
John Bridger: I feel so optimistic. How do you feel?
Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I'm fine.
John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?
Charlie Croker: Yeah, unfortunately.
John Bridger: Freaked out...
Charlie Croker: Insecure...
John Bridger: Neurotic...
Charlie Croker: And Emotional.
John Bridger: You see those columns behind you?
Charlie Croker: [looks behind him and sees the pillars] What about them?
John Bridger: That's where they used to string up thieves who felt fine.
Charlie Croker: After you.
Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I'm fine.
John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?
Charlie Croker: Yeah, unfortunately.
John Bridger: Freaked out...
Charlie Croker: Insecure...
John Bridger: Neurotic...
Charlie Croker: And Emotional.
John Bridger: You see those columns behind you?
Charlie Croker: [looks behind him and sees the pillars] What about them?
John Bridger: That's where they used to string up thieves who felt fine.
Charlie Croker: After you.
Left Ear: [observing the front gate to Steve's house. He sees guard dogs] Shit.
[Speaks into his wire]
Left Ear: This dude got dogs. I don't do dogs... I had a real bad experience, man.
Charlie Croker: [from their Netcom Cable van] What happened?
Left Ear: I had. A bad. Experience. Damn it. "I'm" deaf!
[Speaks into his wire]
Left Ear: This dude got dogs. I don't do dogs... I had a real bad experience, man.
Charlie Croker: [from their Netcom Cable van] What happened?
Left Ear: I had. A bad. Experience. Damn it. "I'm" deaf!
John Bridger: Charlie, there are two kinds of thieves in this world: The ones who steal to enrich their lives, and those who steal to define their lives. Don't be the latter. Makes you miss out on what's really important in this life.
Charlie Croker: What are you talking about, John? You've been a good father.
John Bridger: Sending presents doesn't make you a good father. I've spent half my kid's life in prison. Don't get to be my age with nothing but this, Charlie. Find somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with, and hold onto her forever.
Charlie Croker: What are you talking about, John? You've been a good father.
John Bridger: Sending presents doesn't make you a good father. I've spent half my kid's life in prison. Don't get to be my age with nothing but this, Charlie. Find somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with, and hold onto her forever.
Steve: Don't talk about right or wrong with me, man, because I don't give a shit. Okay? You got your cards, I got my cards. We made our play, and I came out on top. Okay? Now, if you want to start the game up again, that's fine with me. What is your play here, really? Come on, what do you? What do you think? You'll try to take out my guards, right? I have five of them that you don't know about. You'll try to have Lyle hack the system? I'll change it again tomorrow morning. What was your final move? I mean. Have Bridger's daughter come in and try to crack my safe? That's very poetic and all, but I just don't see it. I don't think she'll get anywhere near it.
Charlie Croker: Same old Steve huh? Always thinking defensively. That's why you're always number two.
Charlie Croker: Same old Steve huh? Always thinking defensively. That's why you're always number two.
[Lyle arrives on his motorcycle. He has trouble on the bike, though]
Charlie Croker: That's Lyle. He's my computer genius. You know he's who really invented Napster? At least that's how Lyle tells it. Said Shawn Fanning was his roommate in college and stole his idea.
[We see a flashback of Fanning stealing a Floppy disk from a napping Lyle]
Charlie Croker: I think it's his first time riding that bike, though.
Lyle: Hey.
[Lyle falls over]
Charlie Croker: You okay?
Lyle: Yeah.
[a car drives up behind him]
Charlie Croker: That's Left Ear. Demolition and explosives. When he was ten, he put one too many M-80s in the toilet bowl.
[Cuts to the exterior of a toilet stall. Suddenly the door bursts open from an explosion. The toilet is spraying a fountain of water up]
Kid On Left: Damn, that was cool. How did you do that?
Young Left Ear: What?
Kid On Right: How did you do that?
Young Left Ear: WHAT?
Kid On Right: I said, "how did you do that?"
Young Left Ear: What?
[Flashback to present]
Charlie Croker: Lost the hearing in his right ear. He's been blowing stuff up ever since.
[a car zooms in from behind Charlie and Stella]
Charlie Croker: Handsome Rob. Premier wheel man. Once drove all the way from Los Angeles just so he could set the record for longest freeway chase.
[Cuts to Rob being chased down the freeway by a massive armada of police cars]
Charlie Croker: You know he got 110 love letters sent to his jail cell from women who saw him on the news?
[We see two women hanging a banner on a bridge saying "We heart you, Rob."]
Charlie Croker: That's Lyle. He's my computer genius. You know he's who really invented Napster? At least that's how Lyle tells it. Said Shawn Fanning was his roommate in college and stole his idea.
[We see a flashback of Fanning stealing a Floppy disk from a napping Lyle]
Charlie Croker: I think it's his first time riding that bike, though.
Lyle: Hey.
[Lyle falls over]
Charlie Croker: You okay?
Lyle: Yeah.
[a car drives up behind him]
Charlie Croker: That's Left Ear. Demolition and explosives. When he was ten, he put one too many M-80s in the toilet bowl.
[Cuts to the exterior of a toilet stall. Suddenly the door bursts open from an explosion. The toilet is spraying a fountain of water up]
Kid On Left: Damn, that was cool. How did you do that?
Young Left Ear: What?
Kid On Right: How did you do that?
Young Left Ear: WHAT?
Kid On Right: I said, "how did you do that?"
Young Left Ear: What?
[Flashback to present]
Charlie Croker: Lost the hearing in his right ear. He's been blowing stuff up ever since.
[a car zooms in from behind Charlie and Stella]
Charlie Croker: Handsome Rob. Premier wheel man. Once drove all the way from Los Angeles just so he could set the record for longest freeway chase.
[Cuts to Rob being chased down the freeway by a massive armada of police cars]
Charlie Croker: You know he got 110 love letters sent to his jail cell from women who saw him on the news?
[We see two women hanging a banner on a bridge saying "We heart you, Rob."]
[about John]
Charlie Croker: Just because he was around me more doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about you all the time.
Stella Bridger: [Sniffling] It would be nice if it was true.
Charlie Croker: It is true. He always regretted not having been a good enough father to you, Stella.
Stella Bridger: How do you know that?
Charlie Croker: Because he told me.
Charlie Croker: Just because he was around me more doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about you all the time.
Stella Bridger: [Sniffling] It would be nice if it was true.
Charlie Croker: It is true. He always regretted not having been a good enough father to you, Stella.
Stella Bridger: How do you know that?
Charlie Croker: Because he told me.
Lyle: [Handsome Rob approaches Becky, the cable technician, in the parking garage. Lyle watches, amazed] Are you kidding me? How does he do that? How do you do that? What are you saying?
[Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices]
Lyle: [speaking as Handsome Rob] Hey, how are you?
Lyle: [speaking as Becky] Oh, I'm good!
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?
Lyle: [as Becky] Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.
Lyle: [as Becky] Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu.
Lyle: [as Becky] Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?
Lyle: [as Becky] No.
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Perfect!
[Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices]
Lyle: [speaking as Handsome Rob] Hey, how are you?
Lyle: [speaking as Becky] Oh, I'm good!
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?
Lyle: [as Becky] Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.
Lyle: [as Becky] Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu.
Lyle: [as Becky] Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?
Lyle: [as Becky] No.
Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Perfect!
Lyle: [about Stella getting into Steve's house and finding the location of the safe by impersonating a Netcom employee] You think Stella can pull it off?
Handsome Rob: I have my doubts... but there's no talking to Charlie
Lyle: [in an accent] What, you theenk he's meexing beesness with plezore?
Handsome Rob: He should know better. Only "I'm" allowed to do that.
Handsome Rob: I have my doubts... but there's no talking to Charlie
Lyle: [in an accent] What, you theenk he's meexing beesness with plezore?
Handsome Rob: He should know better. Only "I'm" allowed to do that.
[Lyle isn't answering Charlie's calls]
Handsome Rob: He only answers to "The Napster" now, Charlie
Charlie Croker: Oh, no. I am not calling you The Napster.
Lyle: Why not? You call him Left Ear.
Left Ear: Well, I am.
Lyle: And him Handsome Rob.
Charlie Croker: Well, that's because he is Handsome Rob!
Lyle: Well you can call me The Napster.
Handsome Rob: He only answers to "The Napster" now, Charlie
Charlie Croker: Oh, no. I am not calling you The Napster.
Lyle: Why not? You call him Left Ear.
Left Ear: Well, I am.
Lyle: And him Handsome Rob.
Charlie Croker: Well, that's because he is Handsome Rob!
Lyle: Well you can call me The Napster.
[as they are dangling from under the road way, after Left Ear's gotten all the explosives in place, and is about to insert the detonater]
Left Ear: Just give me a minute.
Charlie Croker: [impatiently] NOW?
Left Ear: I'm about to insert this detonator tube, and if the brass touches the sides, we'll both be the last people we ever see.
Charlie Croker: [suddenly looking very nervous] Take all the time you need.
Left Ear: [after a long pause] Hey, Charlie?
Charlie Croker: What?
Left Ear: [pause] I love you, man.
Charlie Croker: I love you too.
Left Ear: Just give me a minute.
Charlie Croker: [impatiently] NOW?
Left Ear: I'm about to insert this detonator tube, and if the brass touches the sides, we'll both be the last people we ever see.
Charlie Croker: [suddenly looking very nervous] Take all the time you need.
Left Ear: [after a long pause] Hey, Charlie?
Charlie Croker: What?
Left Ear: [pause] I love you, man.
Charlie Croker: I love you too.
Charlie Croker: What's the matter.
Yellow: He says he wants to sit up in front with the driver!
Coco: I always get sick in the back.
Yellow: Listen, if I go in the back, I'll get me migraine, I'll be out like a light.
Charlie Croker: You are not going to be sick. You are not going to have your migraine. And everybody is gonna sit in the back of the motor!
Arthur: Charlie, me in the back of the motor with my asthma?
Yellow: He says he wants to sit up in front with the driver!
Coco: I always get sick in the back.
Yellow: Listen, if I go in the back, I'll get me migraine, I'll be out like a light.
Charlie Croker: You are not going to be sick. You are not going to have your migraine. And everybody is gonna sit in the back of the motor!
Arthur: Charlie, me in the back of the motor with my asthma?
Mr. Bridger: We've come here to pay our respects to Great Aunt Nellie. She brought us up properly and taught us loyalty. Now I want you to remember that during these next few days. I also want you to remember that if you don't come back with the goods, Nellie here will turn in her grave, and, likely as not, jump right out of it and kick your teeth in.
[timing the getaway to Union Station]
Handsome Rob: It's either bad traffic, peak traffic, slit-your-wrist traffic... you know, five people died from smoking in between traffic lights today.
Left Ear: You know, they do have the Metrorail, Rob, you could always use that.
Handsome Rob: Yeah, that'd be ideal for carrying a ton of gold now, wouldn't it, genius?
Charlie Croker: What's your guesstimate?
Handsome Rob: The last twenty times I done this journey, you've got an average of thirty two minutes and a top time of fifty, but if we had green lights all the way, we could do it in fourteen minutes.
Stella: [poking fun] What? Couldn't get through traffic?
Handsome Rob: It's either bad traffic, peak traffic, slit-your-wrist traffic... you know, five people died from smoking in between traffic lights today.
Left Ear: You know, they do have the Metrorail, Rob, you could always use that.
Handsome Rob: Yeah, that'd be ideal for carrying a ton of gold now, wouldn't it, genius?
Charlie Croker: What's your guesstimate?
Handsome Rob: The last twenty times I done this journey, you've got an average of thirty two minutes and a top time of fifty, but if we had green lights all the way, we could do it in fourteen minutes.
Stella: [poking fun] What? Couldn't get through traffic?
Charlie Croker: A police boat can get from the station to our position in seven. That means you've got four minutes to work your magic.
John Bridger: What? You told me ten and you said that I would have five.
Charlie Croker: [slightly panicking] When?
[John smiles and then chuckles]
Charlie Croker: [sighs with relief] Do not be messing with me right now, okay? I will kick your ass.
John Bridger: What? You told me ten and you said that I would have five.
Charlie Croker: [slightly panicking] When?
[John smiles and then chuckles]
Charlie Croker: [sighs with relief] Do not be messing with me right now, okay? I will kick your ass.
Lyle: And then he's just the media darling... He's on the cover of all the magazines, I should of been on the cover of Wired Magazine. You know what he said? He said he named it "Napster" because it was his nickname because of the nappy hair under the hat. But he, it's because I was NAPPING when he STOLE it from me! He didn't even graduate!
Handsome Rob: I think it's time to move on, don't you? They shut him down, I wish they would do the same to you.
Handsome Rob: I think it's time to move on, don't you? They shut him down, I wish they would do the same to you.
Lyle: [typing into his computer] They are about to hit a major detour and be sent your way.
[presses a button. A traffic light at one intersection turns green. Lyle then presses another button, turning the opposite light green. With both directions having greens, one car ends up sideswiping the back of another one. Lyle watches the crash, and says]
Lyle: Oops.
[He presses a different button. Another light turns green. Two cars collide and pancake together, sliding into a parked car. Lyle types into his computer]
Lyle: You'll... never... shut down... the *real*... Napster.
[At the traffic control center, the message "YOU'LL NEVER SHUT DOWN THE REAL NAPSTER" appears across all of the video monitor screens. The scene changes to various clips of gridlock across the city]
[presses a button. A traffic light at one intersection turns green. Lyle then presses another button, turning the opposite light green. With both directions having greens, one car ends up sideswiping the back of another one. Lyle watches the crash, and says]
Lyle: Oops.
[He presses a different button. Another light turns green. Two cars collide and pancake together, sliding into a parked car. Lyle types into his computer]
Lyle: You'll... never... shut down... the *real*... Napster.
[At the traffic control center, the message "YOU'LL NEVER SHUT DOWN THE REAL NAPSTER" appears across all of the video monitor screens. The scene changes to various clips of gridlock across the city]
Charlie Croker: Me? I've been a thief since I had baby teeth.
[in flashback, Charlie tells two bullies what to do so he can rob another kid]
Young Charlie: Okay, you both know what to do.
Bully: Cough it up now.
[They stage some horseplay on another kid]
Bully: Watch it, spas! Hey, what's your problem, man?
[Charlie steals money from that kid's pocket and walks away]
[in flashback, Charlie tells two bullies what to do so he can rob another kid]
Young Charlie: Okay, you both know what to do.
Bully: Cough it up now.
[They stage some horseplay on another kid]
Bully: Watch it, spas! Hey, what's your problem, man?
[Charlie steals money from that kid's pocket and walks away]
Lyle: You want all greens? 'Cause, ah, 'cause you got 'em.
[chuckles]
Charlie Croker: What have you got?
Lyle: Welcome to L.A.'s Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.
Charlie Croker: You want to do a dry run?
Lyle: [singsong] I thought you'd never ask.
[chuckles]
Charlie Croker: What have you got?
Lyle: Welcome to L.A.'s Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.
Charlie Croker: You want to do a dry run?
Lyle: [singsong] I thought you'd never ask.
Lyle: [watching his screen] Metro just passed the station. You are clear for ninety seconds. Go!
[the three MINIs all turn and drive along the sidewalks, dodging pedestrians]
Charlie Croker: Come on, Steve.
[the three MINIs make a left turn and travel down the stairs into the 7th and Metro station. They dodge commuters inside the mezzanine area]
Lyle: Thirty seconds and counting.
[They turn onto the platform, as a Blue Line train comes into the station]
Lyle: Fifteen seconds, you're blocked in or you're paint on the train.
Left Ear: Go, go, go, go!
[They accelerate past a number of baffled Blue Line passengers inside the train]
Charlie Croker: Stay right on me. This is gonna be tight.
[He jumps his MINI in the tight space between the train and the wall. Stella follows. Left Ear produces some sparks as he makes the jump]
Left Ear: Go-go-go-go-go-go!
Lyle: You're gonna stop right... there.
[he presses a button and chuckles to himself. The train comes to a stop at the end of the platform, and the overhead lines lose power. The entire train goes dark]
[the three MINIs all turn and drive along the sidewalks, dodging pedestrians]
Charlie Croker: Come on, Steve.
[the three MINIs make a left turn and travel down the stairs into the 7th and Metro station. They dodge commuters inside the mezzanine area]
Lyle: Thirty seconds and counting.
[They turn onto the platform, as a Blue Line train comes into the station]
Lyle: Fifteen seconds, you're blocked in or you're paint on the train.
Left Ear: Go, go, go, go!
[They accelerate past a number of baffled Blue Line passengers inside the train]
Charlie Croker: Stay right on me. This is gonna be tight.
[He jumps his MINI in the tight space between the train and the wall. Stella follows. Left Ear produces some sparks as he makes the jump]
Left Ear: Go-go-go-go-go-go!
Lyle: You're gonna stop right... there.
[he presses a button and chuckles to himself. The train comes to a stop at the end of the platform, and the overhead lines lose power. The entire train goes dark]
Left Ear: Okay, party people. Here's the status. There's an anti-scaling fence, hardened electro-plated steel. Yeah, I'll have to paint that up with some nitromon.
Charlie Croker: Security on the property?
Left Ear: An armed guard, here. A little rent-a-cop with a nine millimeter on his hip. But that booth, security booth looks prime for a chemical grenade.
Lyle: Nitromon? Chemical grenades? That stuff's pretty hard to come by.
Left Ear: Yeah, Lyle, it's a bear market. Shit!
Charlie Croker: Security on the property?
Left Ear: An armed guard, here. A little rent-a-cop with a nine millimeter on his hip. But that booth, security booth looks prime for a chemical grenade.
Lyle: Nitromon? Chemical grenades? That stuff's pretty hard to come by.
Left Ear: Yeah, Lyle, it's a bear market. Shit!
Stella's Receptionist: How long to crack it?
Stella Bridger: Four minutes, and forty three seconds.
Stella's Receptionist: You're the man.
Stella Bridger: What's in the line up?
Stella's Receptionist: Todd Millikan called. He has a prototype combination lock he wants you to test out. He says he added two false contact points on the tumbler.
Stella Bridger: I'll pretend to be stumped for a couple of seconds. Give him a thrill.
Stella Bridger: Four minutes, and forty three seconds.
Stella's Receptionist: You're the man.
Stella Bridger: What's in the line up?
Stella's Receptionist: Todd Millikan called. He has a prototype combination lock he wants you to test out. He says he added two false contact points on the tumbler.
Stella Bridger: I'll pretend to be stumped for a couple of seconds. Give him a thrill.
Charlie Croker: I found him Stella. He's in Los Angeles. The gold bricks he stole from us had a Balinese dancer stamped on them. This guy worked for a contact of mine, Skinny Pete, that a gold dealer in L.A.'s been buying those bricks.
Stella Bridger: Yeah? How do you know it's him.
Charlie Croker: Skinny Pete sent me this.
[shows her a photo of Steve]
Stella Bridger: Yeah? How do you know it's him.
Charlie Croker: Skinny Pete sent me this.
[shows her a photo of Steve]
John Bridger: For after the haul.
Charlie Croker: Hope I'll get to fire it up.
John Bridger: Still no word from the garbage men?
Charlie Croker: No. They're no shows. Three months of preps down the tube, and I dragged you out of retirement for nothing.
John Bridger: This is fun. I like this. You've taken over the reigns, all the worries. You're loosey goosey. I'm just along for the ride.
Charlie Croker: Hope I'll get to fire it up.
John Bridger: Still no word from the garbage men?
Charlie Croker: No. They're no shows. Three months of preps down the tube, and I dragged you out of retirement for nothing.
John Bridger: This is fun. I like this. You've taken over the reigns, all the worries. You're loosey goosey. I'm just along for the ride.
Lyle: James Hymen? Come one, just once give me a cool name!
Left Ear: A hundred and forty pounds? Try one sixty five!
Handsome Rob: Try lifting some weights!
[as everyone is leaving Lyle still notices his bike is still laying on the ground]
Lyle: Hey, Charlie?
Charlie Croker: Handsome? Think you can help him with his bike?
Left Ear: Yeah, help Knievel set up for his next jump!
Left Ear: A hundred and forty pounds? Try one sixty five!
Handsome Rob: Try lifting some weights!
[as everyone is leaving Lyle still notices his bike is still laying on the ground]
Lyle: Hey, Charlie?
Charlie Croker: Handsome? Think you can help him with his bike?
Left Ear: Yeah, help Knievel set up for his next jump!
