The Kid

The Kid Quotes

An unhappy and disliked image consultant gets a second shot at life when an eight year old version of himself mysteriously appears.

Rusty Duritz: So, I'm forty, I'm not married, I don't fly jets, and I don't have a dog? I grow up to be a loser.
Russ Duritz: There's safety in sandwiches.
Russ Duritz: [looking at Rusty] Doesn't the fact that I'm a pathetic dweeb make you despise me?
Amy: No. Why? Do you despise you?
Rusty Duritz: How old are you?
Russ Duritz: Forty. In a couple days.
Rusty Duritz: That is old! I'm turning eight. In a couple days.
Russ Duritz: Eight. You're eight. I'm eight.
Rusty Duritz: This is scary.
Russ Duritz: No. This is hilarious.
Rusty Duritz: Isn't it cool we both have to go to the bathroom at the same time?
Russ Duritz: Yes. I'll cherish this moment for a lifetime.
[Seeing that Russ and Rusty are the same person]
Amy: I wish I was standing on a carpet.
[faints]
Rusty Duritz: Holy smokes... 99 channels and there's nothing on!
Russ Duritz: Look at him. It's so embarrassing.
Amy: You're not embarrassing. You're adorable... then. You're adorable then.
Russ Duritz: Stop biting your nails.
Amy: *Nail.* I only bite one. What's it to you, anyway?
Russ Duritz: It matters because you work for me. When you bite your nails, you're advertising nervousness and insecurity.
Amy: Really? Advertising all that with one little nail?
[pushes up her nose at him]
Amy: What's this advertise?
Russ Duritz: Toshiya, let me ask you something. If you get called a jerk four times in a single day, does that make it true?
Amy: What, only four? Did you get up late?
Russ Duritz: Excuse me, I'm asking Toshiya.
Toshia: Four times is a pattern. It have to be five times to be a fact.
Russ Duritz: Thank you. See? There's hope after all.
Amy: Jerk.
[Russ has been talking to Janet on his headset all the way into the building; now he gets off the elevator and walks up to her desk, still talking into his headset]
Janet: Take your phone off now, you're with a human being.
[on their way to a meeting]
Amy: Wait a minute, wait a minute... Hello.
Russ Duritz: Hello...
Amy: I haven't seen you in a couple of days, how've you been?
Russ Duritz: Fine. Now can we go in?
Amy: No. This is the bit where you ask me.
Russ Duritz: Amy, we're really late. We don't have time to...
Amy: Come on, give it a whirl.
Russ Duritz: [bored, condescending] Hi, Amy. How are you doing?
Amy: [shrugs] Fine. We're really late.
Rusty Duritz: Am I in trouble?
[wiping his runny nose on his hand and going to wipe it on the car seat]
Russ Duritz: You're going to be in *trouble* if you wipe that snot on my calfskin seat, don't do it!
[Russ calls Janet to meet him in the building's garage; when she arrives, he steps out from behind the dumpster, where he has been hiding]
Janet: I'm not throwing your dismembered enemies' bodies into the dumpster. I've got my limits.
Rusty Duritz: When do I learn how to drive?
Russ Duritz: When you're sixteen.
Rusty Duritz: When do I get a car?
Russ Duritz: When you're eighteen.
Rusty Duritz: When do I get a hickey?
Russ Duritz: [smile] When you're seventeen.
Rusty Duritz: When do I find out what a hickey is?
Russ Duritz: Not tonight.
Russ Duritz: What's done is done.
Rusty Duritz: Yeah.
Russ Duritz: But, hey, today's your birthday. Happy birthday, kid.
Deirdre Lefever: Why wouldn't your eight-year-old self time travel here to give you a hand? You're obviously in trouble. He could straighten you out!
Russ Duritz: You think he's here to straighten *me* out?
Deirdre Lefever: Well of course! You didn't think it was the other way around, didja?
Russ Duritz: [nods hesitantly]
Deirdre Lefever: Maybe he's here for you to teach him some things... but maybe he's here for you to remember some things, ever thought about that?
Russ Duritz: Not until just now, no.
Deirdre Lefever: Look, you're turning forty tomorrow, you haven't acquired a single thing of real value in your life...
Russ Duritz: Hey...
Deirdre Lefever:
Russ Duritz: Who, Amy? Oh, come on, she's not... we work together, that's all. She's neurotic! She bites her nails... well, nail.
[holds up his finger]
Russ Duritz: This one.
[realizes]
Russ Duritz: Oh, my God...
Deirdre Lefever: [to the waitress] While he's getting a clue, could I get a warm-up, please?
Russ Duritz: Aww, somebody call the waahmbulance!
Rusty Duritz: [watching airplane take off] Wow! Look at us go!
Russ Duritz: Yeah, look at us go... Look at us go, kid.
Russ Duritz: Stop biting.
Amy: Leave me alone. I'm advertising terror and bewilderment.

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